Green Eggs And Cruz

In a 21 hour filibuster speech Senator Cruz of Texas held up the chamber's vote on the House Budget Bill without ever really explaining why he doesn't like green eggs and ham. In the guise of reading to his daughters via CNN, Senator Cruz read Dr. Seuss's entire manifesto on intellectualism and demagoguery creating a new homosexual communist world order. 

Senator A

"I knew Senator Cruz was a communist but I didn't know he was gay."

Senator B

"I knew Senator Cruz was gay but I had no idea he was a communist."

Senator C

"I knew Senator Cruz was gay and a communist but I never suspected he could read."

Senator D

"I knew Senator Cruz was gay, communist and literate but I didn't know he was Jewish."

Senator E

"I wanted to hear The Cat in the Hat."

Senator F

"I'm a little wary of the eggs they serve in the Senate Dining Hall."

Senator G

"I don't eat anything green. Period."

Senator H

"I don't eat anything green and anything that can't scream."

Senator I

"Sam I am is one of my constituents and what a lot of people don't realize is that he raises pigs and chickens."

Senator J

"The green eggs are intellectuals and academics (eggheads) without any real world experience and the hams are the politicians and talking heads spouting their ignorance in the media. The box Sam I am won't eat them on is television and the fox he refuses as a dining companion is Fox News.  Since most people read their papers or listen to the radio in the morning they're pretty much our national breakfast."

Senator 

"Cruz said something about health care but it only distracted from egg story."

Don Arrup

Satire1

Emancipation

Dear Friends,

Some of you are familiar with my views on prostitution. I have never viewed it as amoral and believe it should be legal. Many marriages and relationships are prostitution and given an empty respectability for their real or portrayed monogamy. Like Prohibition and the War on Drugs, this situation has simply empowered the worst elements of national and international criminality. Our legal system has only facilitated sex trafficking and "white" slavery by punishing the victims while letting go the customers who in some instances are shamed by having their names published for needing sex. It wasn't until the end of the Clinton Administration that the Justice Department began to look into the enslavement and rape for profit that has ruined the lives of tens of thousands of young people every year. The JD under the Bush Administration admirably began addressing this horror movie reality as a priority.

But the FBI are not the ones who bust whore houses. Local authorities in the vast majority of states follow local laws and end up arresting and imprisoning kidnapped boys, girls and women, treating them as criminals rather than victims. They do not rescue them.

This has been of special concern to me as an American. I love the writing and sentiment of the Declaration of Independence but feel that it was a crock of shit. I would have never signed the Constitution of the United States. We did not even begin to drag toward anything anyone could call freedom and liberty until the most important battle of our Civil War, the fight for the Thirteenth Amendment (beautifully portrayed in the recent film "Lincoln").

Not only in my country but in my hometown and adopted city slavery has been allowed to continue. Locking up and deporting rape victims, many of whom are not welcomed back to their former homes, has done nothing to hurt the business model of the sex slave trade which discards their victims after a few years as their market value (youth and beauty) are quickly consumed. 

Finally, New York state, the immigrant state to this day, is addressing this injustice. 

http://www.nytimes.com/2013/09/26/nyregion/special-courts-for-human-trafficking-and-prostitution-cases-are-planned-in-new-york.html?hp&_r=0

Hopefully this initiative will prove successful and a model for the rest of the country.

I apologize for this piece's lack of humor, which though perfectly valid and often more effective in communicating the essence of an issue, but I wanted you all to be aware of a little noted change in a part of our society that could prove to be a small but very real turning point in this country's unending struggle to manifest its highest ideals.    

Don Arrup

Author of Satire1

Rice Putin

President Obama in his primetime address to the nation last Tuesday used the phrase "American Exceptionalism" to explain why his speech clarified nothing about his plans to address the Syrian government's use of chemical weapons on their own population. The consensus among talking heads and louder asses was that he was using AE to denote the country's unique origin and circumstances rather than the neo-conservative notion of United States superiority. 

"American Exceptionalism" was originally coined by Joey Steel (Joseph Stalin) in a letter chastising American communists for excusing our country from the greater historical forces that plague the rest of the world. He sent the letter in 1928, one year before the Stock Market Crash and the Great Depression that followed proved he was right. 

Before the inspection/destruction joke was offered, Russia's president Vladimir Putin wrote an Op Ed piece in the New York Times taking issue with Obama's vague utterances. Putin, a former KGB agent, probably had the speech decoded into something intelligible enough to argue with. As Obama's speech and Putin's rebuttal stole the front pages through the weekend, Satire1 took to the streets and corridors of power to find out if anyone anywhere has any idea what they are talking about besides just bombing Syria into the Stone Age.

Senator Zee

"I think ole Joe is still running Russia. Don't they have his brain in some bowl all wired up to a gabbaphone?"

Tex Mexas

"Obama said he was going to bomb Syria because the evidence is clear that the children and old people we kill with our bombs don't suffer."

Kelly Cockroach

"This government and its citizens have been using chemical weapons against my species for over a hundred years and nobody says nothing."

Governor Heep

"Rootin Tootin Putin is just trying to confuse the American people with his clear argument and prose. It's a dirty communist trick."

Tori Pone

"You have Hezbollah on the government's side fighting Al Qaeda on the rebel's side. Doesn't that mean they're both our allies now?"

Senator John McCain

"I told the president we should have armed the rebels before we found out who they were. Now we look stupid."

Don Arrup

Satire1

Who's Driving The Bus?

As unseasonal heat returns to the streets of ole New York, elections, like adolescent erections, have popped up, primaries for the parties, liar's poker on a billion dollar scale. The whole damn Apple is up for sale. Who wants to take the blame for the next four years?

At the United Nations, Russia plays roulette with chemical weapons. Obama tap dances on Republican faces. The public doesn't want war. Washington will give them more. Arab Spring, Rebel's Summer and Washington's Fall.

As China goes on hacking, Big Oil continues fracking, Americans drive cars made by Welfare corporations like our adopted industrial farms all financed by banks using Uncle Sam's credit card.

Damn it's hot. The city's an August parking lot. I want beer, bikini'd women and a beach to park my rear. But Labor's weekend's come and gone. The end of summer's song. And it's back to work if you have it again.

Don Arrup

Satire1

Supreme Court Rules All Marriage Unconstitutional

After upholding most of the Unaffordable Health Care Act the Supreme Court issued a far more important and sweeping verdict that the marriage between any two individuals is unconstitutional and in violation of the guarantees of liberty and due process under the law. 

In a six to three decision justices sided with the State of Delaware that only corporations had the right to marry and that churches and Justices of the Peace have been soaking the public offering illegal legitimacy to sexual relationships making us a country of "pimps and whoes."

The National Association of Divorce Lawyers whose services will no longer be required had argued for the institution of marriage and promised to find another case to protect the institution of divorce.

"The verdict is inconclusive regarding divorce. Over half of married couples chose divorce proving it is the more popular and necessary institution. The Court's ruling today denying states the power to recognize matrimony as a legal relationship does not necessarily mean that the states can not recognize divorce."

"Basically, if you were married this morning before the verdict was released you are now shacked up. The ruling doesn't prohibit you referring to yourself as married. The right to lie was upheld in a First Amendment Case verdict today protecting the right of scumbags to claim they were war heroes."

Lobbyists for caterers, florists, dressmakers, magazine vendors and Karaoke machine manufactures vowed to find another case to bring to the high bench.

Justice Scalia uncharacteristically explained his voting with the majority before getting into his sedan. "I married my whoe even though I knew it was wrong. I thought the issue of gay marriage would expose matrimony for what it was and force us to strike it down. I did it because my whoe wanted it. She needed and still needs the lie. I always knew I was wrong, my parents were wrong and their parents. Marriage is not only unconstitutional it is un-American."

The Federal Bureau of Investigation is charged with disarming Justices of the Peace, clergy, Elvis imitators and boat captains who work the various now illegal "hitch houses."

Justice Kagan, the only justice on today's court to have never been entrapped, commented:

"It's all been just one multigenerational romantic Ponzi scheme. Basically a couple of copulators get together and copulate themselves a commune composed of the fruits of their degeneracy and then lord over them for a couple of decades and then send them out to expand the commune. Family is just the Madison Avenue Disney Sunday school name for communism."

Justice Sotomayor, who divorced in 1983 and voted with the majority, said:

"Though I knew at the time that my marriage couldn't possibly be legal it was the only way to obtain a divorce which had always been my ambition. Though this ruling does not necessarily protect divorce it opens the possibility for citizens to obtain a legal divorce protected by the courts without all the messy emotional and financial entanglements of marriage."

Justice Kennedy weighed in:

"It has been a supreme injustice that the rewards of divorce have been denied to citizens simply because they had the sense and the decency to avoid marriage. Religious institutions which depend on familial enslavement to populate their constituencies can recognize any relationship they want and call them whatever they wish but soon we hope to have a case that will force them and everyone to recognize divorce."

A spokesperson for Michelle Obama said that since the institution of the First Lady has become associated with being a spouse of the executive that she be referred to as Top Moll from now on. Former spouses of Governors and Mayors are considering Big Squeeze, Head Hancho, Stud Bud and Puddins as their new titles.

Don Arrup

Satire1

Don't Budge

At home with the Budgets. Bud Budget likes to make money. Money is something you accumulate. Bunny Budget likes to spend money. Dollar birds should be free and fly away after they tickle your palms. Tonight, the Budgets are ordering out. 

Bud wants to go Chinese. Bunny likes Italian. Bud says the Italians service is slow and the food too expensive because they pay a living wage. Food made by drudges is healthier and costs less. You order Chinese and you are master. Order Italian and you are a paisan. Bunny fears that the sweat kitchen workers don't have health insurance and will cough on the rice. Bud says that there is only so much health to go around and we Americans are lucky to have immigrants to be sick for us.

Both Budgets love Sushi but Bud says with the kids in college they can't afford it. Bunny says put it on the credit card. Not with our mortgage and falling assets, Bud replies. Bunny calls Bud a cold fish. 

The Budgets take a break from the discussion to snack on chips. Two bags later they're down to melba toast topped with peanut butter and it is becoming an argument. Bud suggests they compromise and order from the Korean place. Bunny says the old owner's son just died and the grandson has just taken over. Nobody in the whole restaurant looks as if they've eaten in weeks except for him.

They're down to the last of the peanut butter which they scoop with their fingers when Bunny suggests the Greek place. Bud says they've been ravaged by bill collectors and probably don't even have a pizza oven anymore. Bunny says that is all the more reason to patronize them or they will close and drug dealers and banksters will take over the mall. Bud says that Big Bank and Big Pharma have been there for years but they only rob people during the day.

Bunny suggests Mexican as a compromise. They're underpaid and exploited. Bud agrees but says the guy who delivers the food won't leave. He'll want to mow the lawn or fix the roof. He'll offer such a cheap deal we won't be able to turn him away. That's how they exploit us. 

Bud shouts Quickie Burger. Bunny says she doesn't eat factory food. Real hunger starts to set in. Bunny says they'll have to start growing their own food if they are ever going to eat again. Bud spills out his wallet and demands they eat the money. Not the Dollar Birds says Bunny. Bud says eat them before they're taxed away. 

Don Arrup

Satire1