Obama Admits He Doesn't Know How Many Houses John McCain Owns
"I've never had to take John home after chambers and I've only been to Arizona a couple of times. Wonderful state though. May even still be in play. Needs more cities. Michelle's not a desert person."
McCain Hospitalized After Bad Hair Day
A spokesperson for the McCain campaign assured reporters that the Senator's hair was never in danger and that a group of top cosmetic surgeons were being flown in from Los Angeles as he spoke. "Senator McCain is totally in command of the crisis. We can't put America at risk. This could happen on the last day of our convention. John McCain and his campaign are fully focused on finding someone who can comb the Senator's hair."
Fourteen Way Tie For Worst Speech Ever Uttered At Democratic National Convention
"My husband thought I was great and I don't even give head."
"They laughed at the wrong parts."
"No one's afraid of hamburgers anymore."
"Cows have to stop farting. They're melting the polar caps."
"I lost my house."
"I lost my job."
"I lost my health coverage."
"I lost my mind."
"I lost my virginity."
About time.
Don Arrup
Satire1
Thursday, August 28, 2008
Thursday, August 21, 2008
Obama Soley Responsible for Spike in Oil
Senator Barack Obama admitted today that the most recent McCain ads suggesting he is responsible for the recent spike in oil and gasoline prices were dead on the money- his money and yours.
“Before accepting my party’s nomination for the Presidency of the United States I feel it’s important that the American people understand that my opponent, Senator McCain, is accurate when he says I’m the reason you are paying significantly more for your gasoline and heating oil. Since entering the United States Senate I have acted as a one man country and developed my own diplomatic relations with India and China among others and have pressed them to abandon the bicycle which I assured them makes them look ridiculous and third world to top investors and promised them their economies would thrive if they would just waste more energy. If they could not afford the automobiles I told them to just buy the demon piss and burn in it in ditches. If investors don’t see you doing everything you can to pollute your environment, mortgage your children’s futures while enslaving yourselves to the Middle East terrorist sponsors then they will take their investment dollars elsewhere. India and China listened to me and put incredible demand pressure on the international market driving up the commodity futures Michelle and I have been cornering for the last three years. Understand that each move each breath even every thought that flashes by in my brilliant Ivy head raises the price of your gas and your heating oil.
Now, drilling offshore or in Alaska won’t give you any relief until my daughters are out of the house but it could affect my oil futures now. There are three hundred million people in the United States and I can’t please all of you so I’m going to please myself. Osama and Obama can both get rich on the same paper. McCain married millions while my wife will be taking a brutal pay cut to work twice as hard as First Lady. The American people know how to sacrifice and so I’m asking all of you to give it up at the pump to keep the first family rich. You did it for eight years for younger Bush. I’m asking all of you to do it for my family.
Don Aruup
Satire1
“Before accepting my party’s nomination for the Presidency of the United States I feel it’s important that the American people understand that my opponent, Senator McCain, is accurate when he says I’m the reason you are paying significantly more for your gasoline and heating oil. Since entering the United States Senate I have acted as a one man country and developed my own diplomatic relations with India and China among others and have pressed them to abandon the bicycle which I assured them makes them look ridiculous and third world to top investors and promised them their economies would thrive if they would just waste more energy. If they could not afford the automobiles I told them to just buy the demon piss and burn in it in ditches. If investors don’t see you doing everything you can to pollute your environment, mortgage your children’s futures while enslaving yourselves to the Middle East terrorist sponsors then they will take their investment dollars elsewhere. India and China listened to me and put incredible demand pressure on the international market driving up the commodity futures Michelle and I have been cornering for the last three years. Understand that each move each breath even every thought that flashes by in my brilliant Ivy head raises the price of your gas and your heating oil.
Now, drilling offshore or in Alaska won’t give you any relief until my daughters are out of the house but it could affect my oil futures now. There are three hundred million people in the United States and I can’t please all of you so I’m going to please myself. Osama and Obama can both get rich on the same paper. McCain married millions while my wife will be taking a brutal pay cut to work twice as hard as First Lady. The American people know how to sacrifice and so I’m asking all of you to give it up at the pump to keep the first family rich. You did it for eight years for younger Bush. I’m asking all of you to do it for my family.
Don Aruup
Satire1
Saturday, August 16, 2008
McCain's the White Guy
On the campaign trail:
I’m sorry, McCain, I’m not voting for an ex-con for Big Man.
>I was a prisoner of war in Hanoi, North Vietnam.
What were you doing there?
>I was bombing their logistical lines.
And how was that making things better?
>I loved attacking the enemy.
Now you seem like a reasonable man.
>Yes, I’d say I am a reasonably reasonable man.
So, you do everything for a reason.
>Navy man.
So North Vietnam must have really messed with you.
>They weren’t always gracious hosts for the five years I stayed.
Well, you did bomb them first.
>Because they attacked South Vietnam.
And your cousins lived there.
>No, my honor lived there where my country had made a commitment. I was part of the flesh and blood of that commitment. It was an honor and I always strove to think about it and treat it as such.
On the street in Baltimore:
Yeah, I’m voting for McCain. Why shouldn’t we have a brother in the White Man’s House?
--No, no, McCain’s the white guy.
McCain’s done time and he got his college from being in the service.
--He wasn’t in the service he was in the Navy. He went to that Admirals’ College in Annapolis.
McCain’s got college and prison. He knows war and street.
--What’s his first name?
John.
--That’s the name of a guy who has to buy his ass.
It’s not all that white.
--Pimp’s meat.
What about John Henry—with the hammers?
--I’m telling you McCain’s the white guy. Even his hair is white.
What color’s his wife?
--Rich.
Who doesn’t like that color? Didn’t he grow up in Chicago?
--No, he was born in Coco Solo.
I thought he was from Africa.
--No, Coco Solo is in Panama.
He’s not from Chicago?
--That’s Obama.
No, Obama is Fred Flintstone’s kid.
--No, Bam Bam is Barney Rubble’s kid.
McCain is not a cartoon. I’m telling you he is a brother.
--I’m telling you he’s the white guy.
I know he’s got a white mama.
--They both do.
But I’ve seen pictures of him in the paper. He’s shade, man, just like you and me.
--Obama.
No, no, McCain, the brother.
Don Arrup
Satire1
I’m sorry, McCain, I’m not voting for an ex-con for Big Man.
>I was a prisoner of war in Hanoi, North Vietnam.
What were you doing there?
>I was bombing their logistical lines.
And how was that making things better?
>I loved attacking the enemy.
Now you seem like a reasonable man.
>Yes, I’d say I am a reasonably reasonable man.
So, you do everything for a reason.
>Navy man.
So North Vietnam must have really messed with you.
>They weren’t always gracious hosts for the five years I stayed.
Well, you did bomb them first.
>Because they attacked South Vietnam.
And your cousins lived there.
>No, my honor lived there where my country had made a commitment. I was part of the flesh and blood of that commitment. It was an honor and I always strove to think about it and treat it as such.
On the street in Baltimore:
Yeah, I’m voting for McCain. Why shouldn’t we have a brother in the White Man’s House?
--No, no, McCain’s the white guy.
McCain’s done time and he got his college from being in the service.
--He wasn’t in the service he was in the Navy. He went to that Admirals’ College in Annapolis.
McCain’s got college and prison. He knows war and street.
--What’s his first name?
John.
--That’s the name of a guy who has to buy his ass.
It’s not all that white.
--Pimp’s meat.
What about John Henry—with the hammers?
--I’m telling you McCain’s the white guy. Even his hair is white.
What color’s his wife?
--Rich.
Who doesn’t like that color? Didn’t he grow up in Chicago?
--No, he was born in Coco Solo.
I thought he was from Africa.
--No, Coco Solo is in Panama.
He’s not from Chicago?
--That’s Obama.
No, Obama is Fred Flintstone’s kid.
--No, Bam Bam is Barney Rubble’s kid.
McCain is not a cartoon. I’m telling you he is a brother.
--I’m telling you he’s the white guy.
I know he’s got a white mama.
--They both do.
But I’ve seen pictures of him in the paper. He’s shade, man, just like you and me.
--Obama.
No, no, McCain, the brother.
Don Arrup
Satire1
Saturday, August 9, 2008
Oh Eight Oh Ate O Hate Olympics
Though pollution is officially under control, the carbon monoxide levels are still dangerously high. Men and women are asked to respirate on Mondays, Wednesdays and Saturdays while children, athletes and old people may breath at will.
Too many flags, the world is too small. I’m tired of the color, the excitement, the smiles and the youth. There’s nothing to be happy about. Most of you will lose.
Only Batman, the Lone Ranger and the Phantom will be permitted to wear masks. If Superman and Chinaman can take the pollution so should you.
Brett Farve breaks world’s record in false retirements. Red Army team has been delayed by road game in Georgia. Sudan’s Equestrian team is still busy in Darfur. Beach Volleyball is not a sport. Protesting in Tiananmen Square is. 2012 Games should be held in Tibet, which is to say nowhere. Thank god China completely cleaned up its human rights record before the Opening Ceremonies and has allowed the media all the access it promised.
What do I think of the games? Hitler would be proud.
Don Arrup
Satire1
Too many flags, the world is too small. I’m tired of the color, the excitement, the smiles and the youth. There’s nothing to be happy about. Most of you will lose.
Only Batman, the Lone Ranger and the Phantom will be permitted to wear masks. If Superman and Chinaman can take the pollution so should you.
Brett Farve breaks world’s record in false retirements. Red Army team has been delayed by road game in Georgia. Sudan’s Equestrian team is still busy in Darfur. Beach Volleyball is not a sport. Protesting in Tiananmen Square is. 2012 Games should be held in Tibet, which is to say nowhere. Thank god China completely cleaned up its human rights record before the Opening Ceremonies and has allowed the media all the access it promised.
What do I think of the games? Hitler would be proud.
Don Arrup
Satire1
Friday, August 1, 2008
Bernanke Gives Good Fed
And Treasury Secretary Paulson who helped give Bear Sterns the golden sack has hopped into bed with the ménage a trois of Bernanke, Fannie and Fred to make for mixed doubles just in time for the U.S. Open legs tourney. Lets still have an economy after Labor Day. If we don’t have any banks left who is going to foreclose on all those criminals who stole the nation’s homes on credit?
Why bother to foreclose? Just send in Blackwater to kill the T note terrorists where they steal my good sleep in beds pillaged in installments. They’re the ones eating food everyday starving half the world to death. Driving cars and heating homes they never should have possessed in the first place.
McCain’s guy was right about us being a nation of whiners. The price of gas skyrockets to almost half what the rest of the world has been paying for years and all I can think about is that guy in China. I used to make four hundred times his salary and now I only make a hundred times what he makes. I’ve lost three quarters of my income standing still. He and these people with homes are impoverishing me. It’s all a conspiracy
Obama said that McCain’s ad said or implied or lied that Obama doesn’t look like the faces on the dollar bills. That’s a compliment. The numbers are pretty but no one loves those mugs. Boycott the banks and you’ll murder them. Credit cards are suicide. I came, I saw, iPod.
Don Arrup
Satire1
Why bother to foreclose? Just send in Blackwater to kill the T note terrorists where they steal my good sleep in beds pillaged in installments. They’re the ones eating food everyday starving half the world to death. Driving cars and heating homes they never should have possessed in the first place.
McCain’s guy was right about us being a nation of whiners. The price of gas skyrockets to almost half what the rest of the world has been paying for years and all I can think about is that guy in China. I used to make four hundred times his salary and now I only make a hundred times what he makes. I’ve lost three quarters of my income standing still. He and these people with homes are impoverishing me. It’s all a conspiracy
Obama said that McCain’s ad said or implied or lied that Obama doesn’t look like the faces on the dollar bills. That’s a compliment. The numbers are pretty but no one loves those mugs. Boycott the banks and you’ll murder them. Credit cards are suicide. I came, I saw, iPod.
Don Arrup
Satire1
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