The People’s Republic of China recalled their New Year 4707 of the Ox over fears of the spread of mad ox disease. Allegations that the New Year was fed recent Rat and Pig years illegally has astronomers, philosophers and astrologers scrambling for clues as to the health of the current times. Children are being denied birthdays. Pregnant women are moving into their eleventh and twelfth months of gestation refusing to give birth until the health of the New Year can be determined. Grandmothers across Asia refuse to get out of bed saying that the Sun is a liar. Clocks, computers and watches are being destroyed and burned in public. The actress whose voice would announce the time on the phone was beheaded in Shanghai. An angry mob of thousands paraded her head on the end of pole through the streets shouting bring back yesterday.
But the Ox ate the Rat and that was that.
Government officials took immediate emergency measures by lining every Taoist, Feng shui expert and Children’s television program host against the wall. Despite hundreds of executions and proclamations from the government every indication points to a continued slide into tomorrow.
Some theoretical physicists are suggesting blowing up the Sun since China has both a large nuclear arsenal and rockets capable of penetrating outer space. Critics point out that the attack would probably prove more symbolic than practical since the Sun is just one big ongoing explosion to begin with. Health officials have suggested leading the entire nation in a super slow Tai Chi Chuan form through the use of television, radio and the Armed Forces. They do concede that the form would at most slow time down perhaps only making the mad year longer. Seated meditation is still the only method known to stop time but the government banned it as too religious. The Minister of Science and Snakes said that the ancient Mayan calendar due to end in three years was overly optimistic. “I don’t see anything on the planet outliving the American banks.”
Don Arrup
Satire1
Wednesday, January 28, 2009
Wednesday, January 21, 2009
Bush Haters Face Emotional Unemployment
I wanted him gone for eight long years, dreaming of America like Shangri-La and after the black guy gave the speech he walked down the steps and I feel empty. Its like he doesn’t care that I hate him anymore. I still hate Cheney but it just isn’t the same and he’ll probably die soon.
He invaded Vietnam and started trouble between Israel and the Palestinians who always got along swell before him.
Before he was president I weighed 20lbs less and had no gray hairs.
He charged me too much for my house and gave me diabetes.
I smoked cigarettes all day long as much as I liked wherever I liked and then his administration comes and I’m addicted.
Without George W. Bush to hate I just don’t know what my marriage is about anymore. We disagree about everything else. Hating the president was all we shared. Every night after hours of shouting and hiding and not listening we would find him, the destroyer of our lives, George W. Bush. I really never believed that Cheney had anything to do with us as a couple. My friends are deluded about that.
It was impossible to be a woman while he was in office.
I voted for him in 04 just so I could hate him for four more years. Hated him for four, voted for him in 04 and went on hating him for four more. If I hate the new guy I’m a bigot. God, I miss him.
Don Arrup
Satire1
He invaded Vietnam and started trouble between Israel and the Palestinians who always got along swell before him.
Before he was president I weighed 20lbs less and had no gray hairs.
He charged me too much for my house and gave me diabetes.
I smoked cigarettes all day long as much as I liked wherever I liked and then his administration comes and I’m addicted.
Without George W. Bush to hate I just don’t know what my marriage is about anymore. We disagree about everything else. Hating the president was all we shared. Every night after hours of shouting and hiding and not listening we would find him, the destroyer of our lives, George W. Bush. I really never believed that Cheney had anything to do with us as a couple. My friends are deluded about that.
It was impossible to be a woman while he was in office.
I voted for him in 04 just so I could hate him for four more years. Hated him for four, voted for him in 04 and went on hating him for four more. If I hate the new guy I’m a bigot. God, I miss him.
Don Arrup
Satire1
Saturday, January 17, 2009
In Defense Of W
Since June 11, 2002 the United States has not suffered another new terrorist attack on its soil. However, Simon Cowell is still at liberty and on the air.
The wars in Iraq and Afghanistan have overshadowed Bush 43’s deft interplanetary diplomacy. Many foreign policy experts believe that if Al Gore had won in 2000 we would be at war with the Sun.
During his term White House interns have returned to blowing security guards.
In the last eight years the price of VHS tapes has fallen by more than half and vinyl records are practically free.
The United States has stopped acting like the meat of a Mexican/Canadian sandwich.
People have stopped blaming teachers unions for Hurricane Katrina.
Richard Nixon has become a sympathetic figure.
No one asks George Walker Bush why we didn’t go into Baghdad anymore.
No one cares about Vietnam.
Detroit is almost out of its misery.
Blowjobs aren’t such a big deal.
Don Arrup
Satire1
The wars in Iraq and Afghanistan have overshadowed Bush 43’s deft interplanetary diplomacy. Many foreign policy experts believe that if Al Gore had won in 2000 we would be at war with the Sun.
During his term White House interns have returned to blowing security guards.
In the last eight years the price of VHS tapes has fallen by more than half and vinyl records are practically free.
The United States has stopped acting like the meat of a Mexican/Canadian sandwich.
People have stopped blaming teachers unions for Hurricane Katrina.
Richard Nixon has become a sympathetic figure.
No one asks George Walker Bush why we didn’t go into Baghdad anymore.
No one cares about Vietnam.
Detroit is almost out of its misery.
Blowjobs aren’t such a big deal.
Don Arrup
Satire1
Saturday, January 10, 2009
Hamas & Jewish Settlers Ally And Invade Israel
In an unforeseen turnaround of historic proportions the Iranian backed Palestinian terrorist organization Hamas made a secret alliance with the radical Jewish settlers of the West Bank and together launched a two front attack on the state of Israel breaking through Israeli army lines and taking nearly one third of its territory. Proclaiming a marriage of convenience in order to end the “Tyranny of the Two State Solutionists” Hamas and the settlers who have declared themselves the New Judea claim that they will wage war against the state of Israel and the Palestinian Authority Fatah until there isn’t a pacifist left in the region.
“If God didn’t want war he wouldn’t have made human beings,” said Shem McDonald, spokesperson for the New Judea Secretariat. “We have raised the Temple and it is a tank.”
“Israel was becoming impossible to terrorize,” complained Mohamed Smith of Hamas. “We launched over two thousand rockets and the Israelis ignored us. They were deliberately attempting to impoverish us of our weapons. It’s a violation of our human rights as a people. What have you got to do to get invaded around here?”
On January 2cd the Israeli Army entered the Gaza Strip. “Everything everywhere is a trap in the Middle East,” said Col. Hiram McDougal of Israeli Army Intelligence. “There’s just too much religion and oil and people and Sun for anything but craziness. “ Col. McDougal said that he was surprised that Hamas and the settlers hadn’t allied before. “They both want the exact same thing. They want all of Palestine for themselves. Why did it take them so long to realize this?”
Both Hamas and the settlers have pledged to annihilate the other once the unbelieving majorities are exiled. “This is holy land. If you aren’t killing or being killed you don’t belong here,” said Smith. McDougal agreed, “Caliphate or Messiah, just bring it.”
Don Arrup
Satire1
“If God didn’t want war he wouldn’t have made human beings,” said Shem McDonald, spokesperson for the New Judea Secretariat. “We have raised the Temple and it is a tank.”
“Israel was becoming impossible to terrorize,” complained Mohamed Smith of Hamas. “We launched over two thousand rockets and the Israelis ignored us. They were deliberately attempting to impoverish us of our weapons. It’s a violation of our human rights as a people. What have you got to do to get invaded around here?”
On January 2cd the Israeli Army entered the Gaza Strip. “Everything everywhere is a trap in the Middle East,” said Col. Hiram McDougal of Israeli Army Intelligence. “There’s just too much religion and oil and people and Sun for anything but craziness. “ Col. McDougal said that he was surprised that Hamas and the settlers hadn’t allied before. “They both want the exact same thing. They want all of Palestine for themselves. Why did it take them so long to realize this?”
Both Hamas and the settlers have pledged to annihilate the other once the unbelieving majorities are exiled. “This is holy land. If you aren’t killing or being killed you don’t belong here,” said Smith. McDougal agreed, “Caliphate or Messiah, just bring it.”
Don Arrup
Satire1
Thursday, January 1, 2009
Fiscal Crisis ABC
Kitchen Table
A: Hey, they’re giving away houses for no money down.
B: No money? That’s what we’ve got. Let’s get a house.
A: I think we’ll have to at least start paying for it later.
B: I can do anything later. Call the man.
New Kitchen Table
C: The neighbors say our house has doubled in value.
D: How am I supposed to sleep with only six bedrooms?
C: We could refinance and get back every penny we paid for it and fly around the world.
D: And will you look at that yard. I’m retiring soon. What if I want to raise elephants?
C: We could use the rest of the equity to buy a yacht and sail around the world.
D: I’m suffocating in here. The walls are so close I can see them.
C: Let’s sell this place. We’ll get double our money for it.
D: Double? We’ll get triple or nothing.
Realtor’s
A: We have no credit history.
E: We have a loan for that.
B: We have no income.
E: We have a loan for that.
A: We have no job.
E: Hold it. That changes everything. If you’re both going to be home all day you’re going to need a bigger house.
B: When do we have to start paying for this?
E: Did you read the fine print?
A: We can’t read.
E: Later. The fine print says later.
B: I can do anything later.
E: Put your X here.
A: So we can just move in?
E: Right after you pay my commission, title fee, deed fee, closing fee, registration and processing.
B: How much is that?
E: We can loan that to you too.
A: When do we have to pay that back?
E: Look, it’s all fine print. Sigh here and here and here.
B: What after a few years we don’t win the lottery and the bank wants its money?
E: Just walk away.
A: Where will we go?
E: I don’t care. Hey, you could come back here to your Aunt’s. Of course, if you do she’ll need a bigger house.
Wall Street Big Office
F: Longest running housing boom in history and the banks have all the action but I’ve got the perfect plan. We capitalize the mortgage companies, chop up the loans and re-bundle them into securities to sell.
G: I don’t know. Those loan officers have gotten pretty loose. They’d give a dog a mortgage for the commission.
F: We just break up the loans small enough and redistribute them to spread the risk.
G: Yeah, but what if a lot of these loans default?
F: Foreclosure. They’ll take back the house which will almost certainly be worth more by the time of eviction.
G: What if too many loans default?
F: We’ve sold that paper. What do we care?
Wall Street Bigger Office
H: Our stock’s only up ten points this week!
I: And the rest of the street is up over twelve!
H: We’re doomed. Every print, newsletter and TV analyst will be telling investors to dump us for our competitors. We won’t survive the month.
I: Our Frankenfinance office says it has the next big thing, collateralized debt obligations.
H: Can we make money on them?
I: They project billions.
H: What’s our exposure on these loans?
I: Nobody knows but it’s a good bet even the courts couldn’t figure it out. Want me to tell you what they are?
H: I know what they are. They’re perfect.
AIG London Office
J: What are these?
K: Bundles of smithereened loans we’re selling as securities.
J: What do you want me to do with these?
K: Insure them. They’ll sell better if they’re insured.
J: We charge a higher premium for that. So what’s really behind this paper?
K: God knows.
J: How do you expect me to insure these if I can’t value them?
K: They’re worth what people will pay for them.
J: What do I insure them against?
K: Investors coming to their senses.
J: I’ll take that bet. Give me a couple of hundred billion.
K: That’s all?
Securities and Exchange Commission
L: Wall Street is out of control with these junk loans and credit default swaps. I don’t think our policy of allowing the firms to police themselves is working.
M: We’re a grossly under funded and under staffed agency. Getting the firms to agree to police themselves is perfect. Now that they’re working for us there isn’t anything they can do without them knowing about it. We have them completely covered.
Bond Rating Office
N: I heard that Fannie and Freddie wouldn’t touch this stuff till the firms threatened to cut them out of the market.
O: AIG underwrites it and your brother in law works for one of the big boys. How’s he doing?
N: He just bought another Porsche.
O: Wow, and he’s a moron. Too bad we don’t have a rating higher than triple A.
The Fed
P: The industry is swindling home buyers and fleecing investors.
Q: The markets will work this all out.
P: I fear a lot of people are going to get hurt in the process.
Q: This is the Fed. What do you care about, people or the markets?
The Treasury
R: Zzzzzzzzzzz.
Don Arrup
Satire1
A: Hey, they’re giving away houses for no money down.
B: No money? That’s what we’ve got. Let’s get a house.
A: I think we’ll have to at least start paying for it later.
B: I can do anything later. Call the man.
New Kitchen Table
C: The neighbors say our house has doubled in value.
D: How am I supposed to sleep with only six bedrooms?
C: We could refinance and get back every penny we paid for it and fly around the world.
D: And will you look at that yard. I’m retiring soon. What if I want to raise elephants?
C: We could use the rest of the equity to buy a yacht and sail around the world.
D: I’m suffocating in here. The walls are so close I can see them.
C: Let’s sell this place. We’ll get double our money for it.
D: Double? We’ll get triple or nothing.
Realtor’s
A: We have no credit history.
E: We have a loan for that.
B: We have no income.
E: We have a loan for that.
A: We have no job.
E: Hold it. That changes everything. If you’re both going to be home all day you’re going to need a bigger house.
B: When do we have to start paying for this?
E: Did you read the fine print?
A: We can’t read.
E: Later. The fine print says later.
B: I can do anything later.
E: Put your X here.
A: So we can just move in?
E: Right after you pay my commission, title fee, deed fee, closing fee, registration and processing.
B: How much is that?
E: We can loan that to you too.
A: When do we have to pay that back?
E: Look, it’s all fine print. Sigh here and here and here.
B: What after a few years we don’t win the lottery and the bank wants its money?
E: Just walk away.
A: Where will we go?
E: I don’t care. Hey, you could come back here to your Aunt’s. Of course, if you do she’ll need a bigger house.
Wall Street Big Office
F: Longest running housing boom in history and the banks have all the action but I’ve got the perfect plan. We capitalize the mortgage companies, chop up the loans and re-bundle them into securities to sell.
G: I don’t know. Those loan officers have gotten pretty loose. They’d give a dog a mortgage for the commission.
F: We just break up the loans small enough and redistribute them to spread the risk.
G: Yeah, but what if a lot of these loans default?
F: Foreclosure. They’ll take back the house which will almost certainly be worth more by the time of eviction.
G: What if too many loans default?
F: We’ve sold that paper. What do we care?
Wall Street Bigger Office
H: Our stock’s only up ten points this week!
I: And the rest of the street is up over twelve!
H: We’re doomed. Every print, newsletter and TV analyst will be telling investors to dump us for our competitors. We won’t survive the month.
I: Our Frankenfinance office says it has the next big thing, collateralized debt obligations.
H: Can we make money on them?
I: They project billions.
H: What’s our exposure on these loans?
I: Nobody knows but it’s a good bet even the courts couldn’t figure it out. Want me to tell you what they are?
H: I know what they are. They’re perfect.
AIG London Office
J: What are these?
K: Bundles of smithereened loans we’re selling as securities.
J: What do you want me to do with these?
K: Insure them. They’ll sell better if they’re insured.
J: We charge a higher premium for that. So what’s really behind this paper?
K: God knows.
J: How do you expect me to insure these if I can’t value them?
K: They’re worth what people will pay for them.
J: What do I insure them against?
K: Investors coming to their senses.
J: I’ll take that bet. Give me a couple of hundred billion.
K: That’s all?
Securities and Exchange Commission
L: Wall Street is out of control with these junk loans and credit default swaps. I don’t think our policy of allowing the firms to police themselves is working.
M: We’re a grossly under funded and under staffed agency. Getting the firms to agree to police themselves is perfect. Now that they’re working for us there isn’t anything they can do without them knowing about it. We have them completely covered.
Bond Rating Office
N: I heard that Fannie and Freddie wouldn’t touch this stuff till the firms threatened to cut them out of the market.
O: AIG underwrites it and your brother in law works for one of the big boys. How’s he doing?
N: He just bought another Porsche.
O: Wow, and he’s a moron. Too bad we don’t have a rating higher than triple A.
The Fed
P: The industry is swindling home buyers and fleecing investors.
Q: The markets will work this all out.
P: I fear a lot of people are going to get hurt in the process.
Q: This is the Fed. What do you care about, people or the markets?
The Treasury
R: Zzzzzzzzzzz.
Don Arrup
Satire1
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