Kitchen Table
A: Hey, they’re giving away houses for no money down.
B: No money? That’s what we’ve got. Let’s get a house.
A: I think we’ll have to at least start paying for it later.
B: I can do anything later. Call the man.
New Kitchen Table
C: The neighbors say our house has doubled in value.
D: How am I supposed to sleep with only six bedrooms?
C: We could refinance and get back every penny we paid for it and fly around the world.
D: And will you look at that yard. I’m retiring soon. What if I want to raise elephants?
C: We could use the rest of the equity to buy a yacht and sail around the world.
D: I’m suffocating in here. The walls are so close I can see them.
C: Let’s sell this place. We’ll get double our money for it.
D: Double? We’ll get triple or nothing.
Realtor’s
A: We have no credit history.
E: We have a loan for that.
B: We have no income.
E: We have a loan for that.
A: We have no job.
E: Hold it. That changes everything. If you’re both going to be home all day you’re going to need a bigger house.
B: When do we have to start paying for this?
E: Did you read the fine print?
A: We can’t read.
E: Later. The fine print says later.
B: I can do anything later.
E: Put your X here.
A: So we can just move in?
E: Right after you pay my commission, title fee, deed fee, closing fee, registration and processing.
B: How much is that?
E: We can loan that to you too.
A: When do we have to pay that back?
E: Look, it’s all fine print. Sigh here and here and here.
B: What after a few years we don’t win the lottery and the bank wants its money?
E: Just walk away.
A: Where will we go?
E: I don’t care. Hey, you could come back here to your Aunt’s. Of course, if you do she’ll need a bigger house.
Wall Street Big Office
F: Longest running housing boom in history and the banks have all the action but I’ve got the perfect plan. We capitalize the mortgage companies, chop up the loans and re-bundle them into securities to sell.
G: I don’t know. Those loan officers have gotten pretty loose. They’d give a dog a mortgage for the commission.
F: We just break up the loans small enough and redistribute them to spread the risk.
G: Yeah, but what if a lot of these loans default?
F: Foreclosure. They’ll take back the house which will almost certainly be worth more by the time of eviction.
G: What if too many loans default?
F: We’ve sold that paper. What do we care?
Wall Street Bigger Office
H: Our stock’s only up ten points this week!
I: And the rest of the street is up over twelve!
H: We’re doomed. Every print, newsletter and TV analyst will be telling investors to dump us for our competitors. We won’t survive the month.
I: Our Frankenfinance office says it has the next big thing, collateralized debt obligations.
H: Can we make money on them?
I: They project billions.
H: What’s our exposure on these loans?
I: Nobody knows but it’s a good bet even the courts couldn’t figure it out. Want me to tell you what they are?
H: I know what they are. They’re perfect.
AIG London Office
J: What are these?
K: Bundles of smithereened loans we’re selling as securities.
J: What do you want me to do with these?
K: Insure them. They’ll sell better if they’re insured.
J: We charge a higher premium for that. So what’s really behind this paper?
K: God knows.
J: How do you expect me to insure these if I can’t value them?
K: They’re worth what people will pay for them.
J: What do I insure them against?
K: Investors coming to their senses.
J: I’ll take that bet. Give me a couple of hundred billion.
K: That’s all?
Securities and Exchange Commission
L: Wall Street is out of control with these junk loans and credit default swaps. I don’t think our policy of allowing the firms to police themselves is working.
M: We’re a grossly under funded and under staffed agency. Getting the firms to agree to police themselves is perfect. Now that they’re working for us there isn’t anything they can do without them knowing about it. We have them completely covered.
Bond Rating Office
N: I heard that Fannie and Freddie wouldn’t touch this stuff till the firms threatened to cut them out of the market.
O: AIG underwrites it and your brother in law works for one of the big boys. How’s he doing?
N: He just bought another Porsche.
O: Wow, and he’s a moron. Too bad we don’t have a rating higher than triple A.
The Fed
P: The industry is swindling home buyers and fleecing investors.
Q: The markets will work this all out.
P: I fear a lot of people are going to get hurt in the process.
Q: This is the Fed. What do you care about, people or the markets?
The Treasury
R: Zzzzzzzzzzz.
Don Arrup
Satire1
