The People’s Republic of China recalled their New Year 4707 of the Ox over fears of the spread of mad ox disease. Allegations that the New Year was fed recent Rat and Pig years illegally has astronomers, philosophers and astrologers scrambling for clues as to the health of the current times. Children are being denied birthdays. Pregnant women are moving into their eleventh and twelfth months of gestation refusing to give birth until the health of the New Year can be determined. Grandmothers across Asia refuse to get out of bed saying that the Sun is a liar. Clocks, computers and watches are being destroyed and burned in public. The actress whose voice would announce the time on the phone was beheaded in Shanghai. An angry mob of thousands paraded her head on the end of pole through the streets shouting bring back yesterday.
But the Ox ate the Rat and that was that.
Government officials took immediate emergency measures by lining every Taoist, Feng shui expert and Children’s television program host against the wall. Despite hundreds of executions and proclamations from the government every indication points to a continued slide into tomorrow.
Some theoretical physicists are suggesting blowing up the Sun since China has both a large nuclear arsenal and rockets capable of penetrating outer space. Critics point out that the attack would probably prove more symbolic than practical since the Sun is just one big ongoing explosion to begin with. Health officials have suggested leading the entire nation in a super slow Tai Chi Chuan form through the use of television, radio and the Armed Forces. They do concede that the form would at most slow time down perhaps only making the mad year longer. Seated meditation is still the only method known to stop time but the government banned it as too religious. The Minister of Science and Snakes said that the ancient Mayan calendar due to end in three years was overly optimistic. “I don’t see anything on the planet outliving the American banks.”
Don Arrup
Satire1
