Congress Bans Waterboarding of Credit Card Holders

The International Red Cross complained to Congress and the Administration that American credit card holders are still suffering inhumane treatment from the banking industry and that recent legislation does not go near far enough to protect their most basic rights. “Offering a line of credit to an American is tantamount to giving a machine gun to a nine year old,” said the IRC spokesthing. “They not only shoot themselves in the foot, they blow it off completely only to find that their health insurance will not cover it.”

“The IRC believes that the facilities of Guantanamo Bay are a vacation resort compared to the treatment low income Americans and students suffer at the hands of credit card companies whose doomsday contracts steeped in legalese and flea font seduce citizens into financial white slavery. The almost universal clause that the companies reserve the right to do anything to you for any reason harkens back to Antebellum.”

“There’s a reason its called Master Card. It means the cardholder has a master who by contract can change the conditions of that contract for any reason at anytime.”
The new bill by Congress ignores most of the non-contract contract’s conditions but many members of Congress were quick to point out the new and few protections.

“The Banks will have to give you sixty days notice that they are going to have sex with your wife and I’m sure that President Obama will sign it,” said Congressman Schlub of East Virginia. “They can’t just walk into your- uh, their house and drop their pants at will like they do today. The American taxpayer should know when they’re being screwed and this legislation guarantees that. It will be April 15th and sixty days from notification from the banks.”

Critics point out that the bill will not become active for over a year and a lot of Americans will be screwed before the law takes effect. “The economy is a singles bar and has been since the late 1970’s,” said Senator Cocheesz of New Cuba. “You drink a little too much, spend a little too much and you don’t who you’ll wind up under.”

Advocates for consumers have pointed out that the new bill does nothing to limit the high interest rates that had been banned as usury in Western Civilization for almost two thousand years but were relaxed in 1980 during that high inflationary period when only bank lobbyists had good theatre tickets. “Where was I going to take my secretary when Cats was sold out a year in advance?” asked Congressman Bellows.”

The Department of Homeland Security has been flooded with requests from distressed voters to gain incarceration to GITMO in anticipation of the terrorists being transferred to unsold real estate developments in Arizona and Nevada. “Their dental plan is better than my union offers,” said Horace Achies of New York. “And I look good in orange.”

Don Arrup
Satire1

In Memoriam

Satire1 again suspends its wit this post in memory of those individuals and their families whose sacrifice makes this and other blogs like it possible.

Don Arrup
Satire1

CIA Purposes New Green Torture Techniques

A spokespook for the Central Intelligence Agency outlined new techniques of persuasion to replace the illegal legal illegal possibly criminal waterboarding, which anyone with access to a newspaper or a television was fully aware of except for certain democrat members of Congress. “Being born is traumatic. Growing up is brutal and growing old is cruel. What we at the Company have been trying to affix is the line between Edgar Allen Poe and Mark Twain.”

Pending findings of Congressional hearings and opinions from the new Injustice Department, the CIA is ready to implement a whole new line of Next Generation Green torture techniques including:

Video tapes of House Speaker Nancy Pelosi’s explanation of how she wasn’t told but heard that some were briefed about waterboarding no they said not waterboarding and snowboarding wasn’t even mentioned

A stuttering economist and an accountant with nasal problems explaining the U.S. tax code

Al Gore

Marriage

Highlights of Detroit Lions’ last six seasons

Los Angeles traffic

New York City hospitality

Irish cuisine

Rush Limbaugh’s Christmas Show

Barney and Friends

Sequels to any hit movie

Dancing With The Has Beens

Don Arrup
Satire1

Zombie Versus Vampire Banks

Bank of America is called such as it is bought and paid for by all Americans. As spent as the post honeymoon gonads of a octanagerian BA has gone from a gigantic mausoleum capable of only foreclosing homes and raising credit card fees to a black hole tax hole insatiable financial vampire too big to fail and to deep to nail.

Garlic will not protect you nor the cross. Bank of America cannot see itself in the mirror or face the sun but it knows what it needs: Your tax dollars.

“We are America. We are the Bank.”

Obama weighed in at a press conference.

“You see, the American people are so used to being sucked dry by these big banks that if we let them fail, for even a day, the shock to our system could be fatal. We could drown in our own blood so to speak. We’re like those pale women in negligees wandering inside the glass vestibules around the bank machines waiting for the bank to open- like Dracula’s coffin. Sure, it’s clean and there’s no cobwebs or bats flying around. And once in a while you see somebody actually walk out with some rather than just the chumps pinching the blood nipple machine for enough green to get a sandwich.”

“The first protection I will ask from Congress is that the Banks can’t take your pants. The American people need to have their butts covered. The Banks have already agreed to this in principle because if the American people don’t have pants they don’t have pockets and if they don’t have pockets where are the Banks and myself going to put our hands? So our Administration and the Banks have agreed to join hands while they are still in your pockets to protect your family jewels and treasure. This is the way to prosperity and a brighter future. We are Americans because we are the depositors, debtors and now guardian uncles of the Bank of America. Bank bless America and Bank bless all of you.”

Don Arrup
Satire1

Porky Pig, Bio-Terrorist

Porky Pig, The Three Little Pigs and The Little Piggies have been implicated in a report by the Central Intelligence Agency of designing and propagating the virus H1N1 otherwise known as Swine Flu. The report includes aerial photographs of a group of laboratories in northern Mexico formerly employed in the making of heroin and crystal methadone by the local drug cartels that the CIA claims have been converted into bio-weapons factories. “We may have had it wrong in Iraq,” says CIA spokesman, Agent X Death, “but this time we have hard evidence that the disgruntled former Warner Brothers star has joined forces with the disgraced real estate developers and the lower digits of children to create deadly drug resistant strains of their species influenza to transmit to the human race.”

As the World Health Organization studies the evidence President Obama is taking preliminary actions which he calls cautionary including an executive order to shut down the Cartoon Network and arresting children wearing sandals or going barefoot in public. “I know these measures may appear extreme to our uninformed citizens,” said the President, “but I will see to it that the Federal Government will bring its full and indiscriminate force to bear on those who threaten our lives and property. My own daughters have been isolated by the Secret Service and await blood testing and interrogation for wearing flip flops to the family breakfast table.”

The Pentagon has been ordered to present its contingency plans for the invasion of Mexico as the leaders in a majority of NATO countries have already pledged to commit troops to the effort. Al Qaeda released a video to Al Jazeera claiming credit for the pandemic saying that the swine and the haters of swine eaters have finally joined forces to cleanse the world of bacon breath. As scientists race to create a vaccine reports of massacres and genocidal rampages on hog farms and slaughterhouses from Chicago to Beijing continue to pour in.

President Obama promises to track down the perpetrators of this atrocity whether their house is made of straw, wood or brick. “We’ll huff and we’ll puff and we’ll blow their hideouts down,” Obama said. “We’ve already taken into custody the Little Piggies who went to the market, stayed home, had roast beef and had none, however, the Little Piggy who went wee wee wee all the way home at this time is still at large.” Agents of the FBI, DEA and Alcohol, Tobacco and Curly Tails are working in cooperation with local police to bring the last Little Piggy to justice

Acting Surgeon General and Acting Assistant Secretary of Health Rear Admiral Steven K. Galson (ARASGAASH) when asked what would happen if the virus mutates into a far more lethal and aggressive strain responded,
“Da-da-da-da-da-da-dat’s all folks.”

Don Arrup
Satire1

Why We Don't Have Universal Health Care

I asked the guy standing next to me at the bus stop why we don't have Universal health care. He said it was because I smoked and he didn't want his tax dollars covering my oxygen tank. I told him he was fat and I didn't want to pay for his triple bypass. The diabetic woman with three kids was asking people passing by if they had any candy while promising her kids ice cream when they got home. The church lady refused to pay for people who had more than one sex partner while the drunk announced he needed a drink and a new liver. The girl who had come out of the tanning salon said that if the bus didn’t come soon she’d get skin cancer which caused the junkie to laugh so hard he stumbled into the street where he was hit by a skateboarder not wearing a helmet knocking the junkie in front of an SUV driven by a guy engrossed in his cell phone. Then the SUV swerved and crushed a Smart car.

The fat guy turned to me and said, “You see, this is why I don’t exercise.”

*Read on the air as one of WNYC's semi-finalists in their Satire Slam Contest on 4/29/09. Thank you to all the readers and listeners for their support.

Don Arrup
Satire1