Congress Bans Waterboarding of Credit Card Holders

The International Red Cross complained to Congress and the Administration that American credit card holders are still suffering inhumane treatment from the banking industry and that recent legislation does not go near far enough to protect their most basic rights. “Offering a line of credit to an American is tantamount to giving a machine gun to a nine year old,” said the IRC spokesthing. “They not only shoot themselves in the foot, they blow it off completely only to find that their health insurance will not cover it.”

“The IRC believes that the facilities of Guantanamo Bay are a vacation resort compared to the treatment low income Americans and students suffer at the hands of credit card companies whose doomsday contracts steeped in legalese and flea font seduce citizens into financial white slavery. The almost universal clause that the companies reserve the right to do anything to you for any reason harkens back to Antebellum.”

“There’s a reason its called Master Card. It means the cardholder has a master who by contract can change the conditions of that contract for any reason at anytime.”
The new bill by Congress ignores most of the non-contract contract’s conditions but many members of Congress were quick to point out the new and few protections.

“The Banks will have to give you sixty days notice that they are going to have sex with your wife and I’m sure that President Obama will sign it,” said Congressman Schlub of East Virginia. “They can’t just walk into your- uh, their house and drop their pants at will like they do today. The American taxpayer should know when they’re being screwed and this legislation guarantees that. It will be April 15th and sixty days from notification from the banks.”

Critics point out that the bill will not become active for over a year and a lot of Americans will be screwed before the law takes effect. “The economy is a singles bar and has been since the late 1970’s,” said Senator Cocheesz of New Cuba. “You drink a little too much, spend a little too much and you don’t who you’ll wind up under.”

Advocates for consumers have pointed out that the new bill does nothing to limit the high interest rates that had been banned as usury in Western Civilization for almost two thousand years but were relaxed in 1980 during that high inflationary period when only bank lobbyists had good theatre tickets. “Where was I going to take my secretary when Cats was sold out a year in advance?” asked Congressman Bellows.”

The Department of Homeland Security has been flooded with requests from distressed voters to gain incarceration to GITMO in anticipation of the terrorists being transferred to unsold real estate developments in Arizona and Nevada. “Their dental plan is better than my union offers,” said Horace Achies of New York. “And I look good in orange.”

Don Arrup
Satire1