Hit Parade

Satire1 was a safety in elementary school which meant that I was assigned to help the other students cross Loch Raven Boulevard without getting killed. Safeties in professional football on the other hand are assigned to kill any opposing player who tries to cross the first down marker or goal line. With the NFL Hall of Fame players sporting more crutches than the French Army after World War I, Commissioner Roger Goodell has rightly tried to impose rules to reduce the amount of injuries to players protected only by Robo Cop armor and Star Wars technology.

The New Orleans Saints Defensive Coordinator Gregg Williams was recently found guilty of running a Big Easy Murder Incorporated racket whereby defensive players were given "bonuses" or more accurately and literally blood money to injure players on the opposing teams. With suspensions ranging from eight games to one year the wrath of the Commish has been dolled.

In light of these disclosures, not entirely unique to the Saints and the present day, it seems the height of injustice that then Giants then Jets receiver Plaxico Burress was imprisoned for carrying a handgun considering the number of big strong men who wanted him hurt.

Satire1 has more thoroughly investigated the charges regarding the Saints and found the price list of hits not published in the Sports pages of your daily paper.

Hit List

(All injuries must be confirmed by a licensed physician or coroner)

Sphinx Mush- $1,000- complete flattening of the nose. Both cheeks must appear as one.

Anonymous- $2,000- blow must knock the numbers off either the front or back of opponent's jersey while jersey remains intact.

Egg Out-$10,000- for confirmed knocking of receiver's eyes out of his head with one hit. Eyes may still be attached to head by the optic nerves but clearly and fully outside the lids. $4,000 for one eye.

Decap-$20.000- complete removal of opponent's head from one hit. Can be shared if resulting from multiple hits occurring simultaneously. Head falling off shoulders on stretcher or in locker room nets half bonus.

Oblit-$23,000- complete obliteration of opponent at the monocular level from one hit. Remnants of uniform must remain intact. Rare instances of spontaneous combustion will be investigated by trained physicists.

Dracula-$25,000- defender's helmet must pass completely through torso of opponent. $2,000 bump bonus if defender can remove his head with helmet still on. $5,000 bone bonus if defender pushes opponent's spine completely outside carcass.

Don Arrup

Satire1

Goldman Sached

As the ping pong champ Greg Smith jumped ship at the tip of Wall Street last week Satire1 set up shop outside 200 West Street to talk to the Goldman banksters he left behind.

"Any smalltime client with any sense knew that we never gave a shit about them but since we usually made a killing we made sure to feed the pigeons."

"You don't take your money to Greed Street and look for a nice guy. If you're looking to make money without really working then you're a thief and you want to be in with the smartest thieves."

"Sure we played both sides of the bubble but we let our clients in on the action. We blew it up and they took the pop."

"This will all blow over after Romney takes office. He was one of us and the best president right now that money can buy."

"I'm not worried about prosecution. The prisons they send us to are like Club Med and I could use a vacation. But I've heard rumors about Washington possibly taxing our loot- even invading the Cayman Islands. It just doesn't pay being a pirate anymore."

"Your kid couldn't build a sand castle on the beach without our financing. If they jail every white collar criminal in this country Americans are going to find themselves living like the Flintstones."

Don Arrup

Satire1

O'Bama

President O'Bama addressed the nation in his weekly radio address on Saint Patrick's Day.

"My fellow Irish Americans. I want to extend to you from all the O'Bamas our wishes for you to have an intoxicated and embattled Saint Patrick's Day. I know that the country continues to struggle. We are still spilling American blood in distant deserts while those they left behind lose their homes while their children face ever shrinking prospects and massive student debt."

"But there is pot of oil at the end of the rainbow if only we could find the rainbow. The ornery leprechaun banker that guards it will be prosecuted and I guarantee that his wrist will be slapped for trashing our economy and destroying our future."

"Until then, let us continue to prod our dead horse economy by the spending of the green, green technology dreams, kissing the Boehner stone and furious fisticuffs over every detail of the budget as if any legislation could spare us from becoming the Ireland of Americas."

Don O'Arrup

Satire1

Daylight Spending

President Obama addressed the nation during his weekly radio address.

"My fellow Americans, you are all aware of the differences of opinion between myself and the Republicans as to how to address the deficit. Our unwillingness to compromise is endangering our immediate economic future and that for generations to come."

"Last week I proposed suspending the return to Daylight Savings Time and ushering in a new era where every American has more hours- two more hours if my full proposal is passed- every year to work, worship or spend with their families. I asked Congress to not only suspend the hour jump yesterday but to actually turn the clock back an hour again making it Spring Back, Fall Back."

"I am sorry to say that it appears my proposal was dead on arrival in the Republican controlled House of Representatives before my Director of the Four Dimensions was given a hearing on the costs and benefits of this change."

"Now I'm not going to lie to you. There will be some expenditures involved in adding a hour in both the Autumn and Spring. Since the additional hours are added early Sunday morning only federal employees working the weekend will be making an additional two hours wages. The atomic clocks controlled by our military will have to be reprogramed and prisoners will have additional hours of incarceration but they can't vote anyway so screw them."

"The Surgeon General has assured me that a large portion of the American people are suffering from sleep deprivation from working more than one job, trying to balance work and the needs of the family and the vast universe of free pornography available on the internet. Another precious hour of sleep right at the peak of our busiest times of the year could mean the difference between crashing your car and getting safely to work on time; reviewing that last chapter before midterms at the Community College you snobbed your way into or simply getting the nookie you need to think straight before facing a long week of work."

"I am sorry to say that my Republican colleagues once again were unwilling to consider another one of my brilliant ideas simply because they feared its passage would make me look good in an election year. So if at any time between now and November you find yourself short of time you know that the fault lies not with you but with Republicans controlling the House of Representatives."

Don Arrup

Satire1

You're Right And I'm Righter

Satire1 hosted a round table of the top four Republican Presidential hopefuls to discover who was the real conservative. The candidates were handed a list of controversial changes and asked which ones they would repeal if given the power.

WOULD YOU REPEAL

Gay Marriage

Mitt

I have no problem with a gay man marrying a lesbian.

Santi

Homosexuality is a sin but in the spirit of toleration I will accept their votes.

Newt

We're not ancient Athens.

Ronpaw

The government has no business telling you who you can and can not marry. Just don't get too hillbilly.

ORomaCare

Ronpaw

I don't want to pay anyone else's doctor. I don't even want to pay mine. And I'm a doctor.

Santi

Obama is forcing Catholic women to get abortions and inseminating urban teenagers.

Newt

What we need in this country is affordable and profitable care that you don't have to wait half the day for. What we need is McHealthCare.

Mitt

Obama and his moll Pelosi took what was a perfectly conservative local action and liberalled it all up with mandates and single payer and uhh let me rephrase that.

Roe vs Wade

RonPaw

I don't believe in health care for men. In my forty years as an obstetrician I never saw a male patient and other doctors told me that even if you do they don't listen to you anyway.

Mitt

I have no problem with a gay man married to a lesbian having a baby.

Gingrich

We're not ancient Sparta where you throw babies you don't want off a cliff.

Santi

Look, when Eve bit that apple that was a contract.

Brown vs The Board of Education

Ronpaw

I'm not a lawyer or a historian but I know what we ended up with- equal and shitty.

Mitt

Every American child deserves the best education that doesn't cost money.

Gingrich

America was the first county to have public education. We invented it here. It was local and taught the skills that children needed to become good citizens. And whatever the others say on education I'm to the right of them.

Santi

The radical atheist union brainwashing establishment has been filling our children's heads with myths like evolution and gravity long enough.

Social Security

Ronpaw

The New Deal generation that created this Ponzi scheme is finally dying off. The Boomers are in for a surprise and our children know it won't be there for them.

Mitt

Anyone who is currently living off of Social Security has nothing to fear. Everyone else has nothing to expect.

Ging

The Social Security System was never designed to be the a retired individual's main source of income. And the fact that your house is worth as much as an outhouse was in 2007 complicates things.

Santi

If God wanted us to be secure in our later years he wouldn't have invented old age.

Women's Suffrage

Ging

The Declaration of Independence states that we believe that all men are created equal. Well no on in their right mind believes that but I will say this-I respect women's unique problems and needs and I buy my wife jewelry.

Ronpaw

At least half the men I know just do what their wife tells them so I don't see what difference it makes who goes in the booth.

Mitt

That was the women a hundred years ago with the big hats?

Santi

I already told you about Eve and if you're Catholic or Mormon I guess it was Pandora for you.

Emancipation

Ronpaw

If you believe this is a free country and respect the right to private property I don't know what business it is of the government's if you own another human being. Most of our Founding Fathers did.

Santi

Many of the people in the Bible were slaves at one point or another and it didn't stop them from becoming famous.

Ging

The Republican Party was founded as the party of Emancipation but now we've come full circle and believe in state's rights.

Mitt

I don't believe in reestablishing slavery in America especially when it is so much cheaper to rent them in China.

Steve Jobs proved that the outsourcing of slavery just makes better economic sense.

Second Amendment

Ronpaw

I think it is clear enough. If you are a militia you can shoot anybody you want.

Ging

When the Constitution was written pistols, rifles and cannons were all single load. Now that we have automatic weapons and nuclear arms the liberals want to regulate them.

Santi

Our Founding Fathers promoted individual gun ownership to avoid creating a large standing army to deal with the Native Americans. Now, after three decades of Invasion Immigration the Native Americans who infiltrate our borders have created drug gangs and salsa bands.

Mitt

I'm opposed to the current regulations placed on our God given and Constitutional right to bear arms. Take paranoid schizophrenics. Nobody has more enemies than they do and yet the liberals don't want to sell them a gun.

The Constitution

Ging

The Constitution was written by rich men to consolidate the power of rich men and protect the property of rich men which included human beings. It was not originally what anyone today would think of as a democratic document. The Electoral College and provision of State's Rights were included to protect slavery and were never repealed. Now there have been some changes by way of amendments that have made the Constitution a little more democratic but if I am elected president I will only appoint conservative strict constructionist judges who will intuit the reasoning of our long dead forefathers and bring America back to the plutocracy it was created to be.

Ronpaw

I don't know what all you lawyers and historians mean when you talk about the Founding Fathers intent as if they were somehow of one mind because that just wasn't the case. Most of them hated each other more than they did King George and some of them killed each other when they got a chance.

Mitt

I think America functioned much better under the original Articles of Confederation.

Santi

I don't believe any document written by human beings has the power to tell human beings to go against what my God has told them to do.

Magna Carta

Ging

Over seven centuries ago the British people demanded a recognition of their rights from their King. Okay, it was the British barons but it was the first step.

Ronpaw

I think the Magna Carter was exactly the wrong thing for the common people of England to do at that time or any time. Instead of asking somebody to recognize their rights they should have just stopped recognizing their oppressor's authority.

Mitt

Being a Mormon I don't drink very often but I do like the big bottles of champagne.

Santi

Is this Jimmy Cater's wife we're talking about?

Creation

Mitt

If I'm elected God I will clean away this mess and recreate the heavens and the Earth in less time then my predecessor. Four days tops.

Ging

Three!

Santi

I thought Carter's wife was named Rose Ann. After he left office she got her own sitcom.

Ronpaw

We're in full agreement that creation has long run out its course. The drug epidemic we won't survive is the cell phone. Its a microwave antenna people are pressing against their face to listen to little electronic chatter that sounds like people they think they know. Its a brain virus. So I'd wipe the slate clean and then get rid of the slate. I go. Everything goes. I'd only leave gold behind.

Don Arrup

Satire1