Hit Parade

Satire1 was a safety in elementary school which meant that I was assigned to help the other students cross Loch Raven Boulevard without getting killed. Safeties in professional football on the other hand are assigned to kill any opposing player who tries to cross the first down marker or goal line. With the NFL Hall of Fame players sporting more crutches than the French Army after World War I, Commissioner Roger Goodell has rightly tried to impose rules to reduce the amount of injuries to players protected only by Robo Cop armor and Star Wars technology.

The New Orleans Saints Defensive Coordinator Gregg Williams was recently found guilty of running a Big Easy Murder Incorporated racket whereby defensive players were given "bonuses" or more accurately and literally blood money to injure players on the opposing teams. With suspensions ranging from eight games to one year the wrath of the Commish has been dolled.

In light of these disclosures, not entirely unique to the Saints and the present day, it seems the height of injustice that then Giants then Jets receiver Plaxico Burress was imprisoned for carrying a handgun considering the number of big strong men who wanted him hurt.

Satire1 has more thoroughly investigated the charges regarding the Saints and found the price list of hits not published in the Sports pages of your daily paper.

Hit List

(All injuries must be confirmed by a licensed physician or coroner)

Sphinx Mush- $1,000- complete flattening of the nose. Both cheeks must appear as one.

Anonymous- $2,000- blow must knock the numbers off either the front or back of opponent's jersey while jersey remains intact.

Egg Out-$10,000- for confirmed knocking of receiver's eyes out of his head with one hit. Eyes may still be attached to head by the optic nerves but clearly and fully outside the lids. $4,000 for one eye.

Decap-$20.000- complete removal of opponent's head from one hit. Can be shared if resulting from multiple hits occurring simultaneously. Head falling off shoulders on stretcher or in locker room nets half bonus.

Oblit-$23,000- complete obliteration of opponent at the monocular level from one hit. Remnants of uniform must remain intact. Rare instances of spontaneous combustion will be investigated by trained physicists.

Dracula-$25,000- defender's helmet must pass completely through torso of opponent. $2,000 bump bonus if defender can remove his head with helmet still on. $5,000 bone bonus if defender pushes opponent's spine completely outside carcass.

Don Arrup

Satire1