Satire1 hosted a round table of the top four Republican Presidential hopefuls to discover who was the real conservative. The candidates were handed a list of controversial changes and asked which ones they would repeal if given the power.
WOULD YOU REPEAL
Gay Marriage
Mitt
I have no problem with a gay man marrying a lesbian.
Santi
Homosexuality is a sin but in the spirit of toleration I will accept their votes.
Newt
We're not ancient Athens.
Ronpaw
The government has no business telling you who you can and can not marry. Just don't get too hillbilly.
ORomaCare
Ronpaw
I don't want to pay anyone else's doctor. I don't even want to pay mine. And I'm a doctor.
Santi
Obama is forcing Catholic women to get abortions and inseminating urban teenagers.
Newt
What we need in this country is affordable and profitable care that you don't have to wait half the day for. What we need is McHealthCare.
Mitt
Obama and his moll Pelosi took what was a perfectly conservative local action and liberalled it all up with mandates and single payer and uhh let me rephrase that.
Roe vs Wade
RonPaw
I don't believe in health care for men. In my forty years as an obstetrician I never saw a male patient and other doctors told me that even if you do they don't listen to you anyway.
Mitt
I have no problem with a gay man married to a lesbian having a baby.
Gingrich
We're not ancient Sparta where you throw babies you don't want off a cliff.
Santi
Look, when Eve bit that apple that was a contract.
Brown vs The Board of Education
Ronpaw
I'm not a lawyer or a historian but I know what we ended up with- equal and shitty.
Mitt
Every American child deserves the best education that doesn't cost money.
Gingrich
America was the first county to have public education. We invented it here. It was local and taught the skills that children needed to become good citizens. And whatever the others say on education I'm to the right of them.
Santi
The radical atheist union brainwashing establishment has been filling our children's heads with myths like evolution and gravity long enough.
Social Security
Ronpaw
The New Deal generation that created this Ponzi scheme is finally dying off. The Boomers are in for a surprise and our children know it won't be there for them.
Mitt
Anyone who is currently living off of Social Security has nothing to fear. Everyone else has nothing to expect.
Ging
The Social Security System was never designed to be the a retired individual's main source of income. And the fact that your house is worth as much as an outhouse was in 2007 complicates things.
Santi
If God wanted us to be secure in our later years he wouldn't have invented old age.
Women's Suffrage
Ging
The Declaration of Independence states that we believe that all men are created equal. Well no on in their right mind believes that but I will say this-I respect women's unique problems and needs and I buy my wife jewelry.
Ronpaw
At least half the men I know just do what their wife tells them so I don't see what difference it makes who goes in the booth.
Mitt
That was the women a hundred years ago with the big hats?
Santi
I already told you about Eve and if you're Catholic or Mormon I guess it was Pandora for you.
Emancipation
Ronpaw
If you believe this is a free country and respect the right to private property I don't know what business it is of the government's if you own another human being. Most of our Founding Fathers did.
Santi
Many of the people in the Bible were slaves at one point or another and it didn't stop them from becoming famous.
Ging
The Republican Party was founded as the party of Emancipation but now we've come full circle and believe in state's rights.
Mitt
I don't believe in reestablishing slavery in America especially when it is so much cheaper to rent them in China.
Steve Jobs proved that the outsourcing of slavery just makes better economic sense.
Second Amendment
Ronpaw
I think it is clear enough. If you are a militia you can shoot anybody you want.
Ging
When the Constitution was written pistols, rifles and cannons were all single load. Now that we have automatic weapons and nuclear arms the liberals want to regulate them.
Santi
Our Founding Fathers promoted individual gun ownership to avoid creating a large standing army to deal with the Native Americans. Now, after three decades of Invasion Immigration the Native Americans who infiltrate our borders have created drug gangs and salsa bands.
Mitt
I'm opposed to the current regulations placed on our God given and Constitutional right to bear arms. Take paranoid schizophrenics. Nobody has more enemies than they do and yet the liberals don't want to sell them a gun.
The Constitution
Ging
The Constitution was written by rich men to consolidate the power of rich men and protect the property of rich men which included human beings. It was not originally what anyone today would think of as a democratic document. The Electoral College and provision of State's Rights were included to protect slavery and were never repealed. Now there have been some changes by way of amendments that have made the Constitution a little more democratic but if I am elected president I will only appoint conservative strict constructionist judges who will intuit the reasoning of our long dead forefathers and bring America back to the plutocracy it was created to be.
Ronpaw
I don't know what all you lawyers and historians mean when you talk about the Founding Fathers intent as if they were somehow of one mind because that just wasn't the case. Most of them hated each other more than they did King George and some of them killed each other when they got a chance.
Mitt
I think America functioned much better under the original Articles of Confederation.
Santi
I don't believe any document written by human beings has the power to tell human beings to go against what my God has told them to do.
Magna Carta
Ging
Over seven centuries ago the British people demanded a recognition of their rights from their King. Okay, it was the British barons but it was the first step.
Ronpaw
I think the Magna Carter was exactly the wrong thing for the common people of England to do at that time or any time. Instead of asking somebody to recognize their rights they should have just stopped recognizing their oppressor's authority.
Mitt
Being a Mormon I don't drink very often but I do like the big bottles of champagne.
Santi
Is this Jimmy Cater's wife we're talking about?
Creation
Mitt
If I'm elected God I will clean away this mess and recreate the heavens and the Earth in less time then my predecessor. Four days tops.
Ging
Three!
Santi
I thought Carter's wife was named Rose Ann. After he left office she got her own sitcom.
Ronpaw
We're in full agreement that creation has long run out its course. The drug epidemic we won't survive is the cell phone. Its a microwave antenna people are pressing against their face to listen to little electronic chatter that sounds like people they think they know. Its a brain virus. So I'd wipe the slate clean and then get rid of the slate. I go. Everything goes. I'd only leave gold behind.
Don Arrup
Satire1
No comments:
Post a Comment