Sour Grapes

Mitt Romney on a conference call to major donors.

"Its hard to beat a guy who just gives people stuff for free."

"Obama wants to continue to fund the Veteran's Administration to care for soldiers who can't even fight anymore. And Public Television just because they get our children interested in learning. And relief for the Sandy smashed New York metropolitan area. What people who aren't rich are doing living near New York is beyond me."

"Obama Care is going to provide for millions more people. This will practically starve the funeral homes which are family owned businesses. I don't know what he has against entrepreneurs."

"Soon you won't even be able to buy food outside a restaurant without food stamps. If people aren't hungry they won't leave their TV sets."

"So Obama bought his support with your tax dollars but you were right to back me because if I had won you wouldn't have had to pay a dime."

Don Arrup

Satire1

Turkey Pardon Challenged

The Senate Ethics Committee will hold hearings on President Obama's pardoning of Cobbler the Turkey on the eve of  last Thanksgiving. Accusations have surfaced that Cobbler had actually lost the public's internet vote and that it was Gobbler the Turkey who should have been spared. Though the president said that neither bird would be killed no one outside of his daughters and pre school children took him seriously. Gobbler was reported to have been delicious.

Quotes from the buzz:

"Obama didn't have to pardon either of them. He could have eaten them both and you know he wanted to. There's a way a skinny man looks at a fat bird. "

"Cobbler? What are you talking about? If we didn't already have the term 'turkey neck' that feather bag would have forced us to make it up."

"Everybody thinks Gobbler was so buff but I know turkeys and I'm telling you he was obese."

"At my place Obama would have had to pardon a pizza."

"Obama had to pardon Cobbler after UN Ambassador Rice assured the world Gobbler was going down."

"Voters who didn't own a computer or weren't online had to wait hours at libraries to have their voices heard."

"I think the Chinese hacked this election."

"They were both white. Where's the choice?"

"I think the turkey should have pardoned the president."

"I had to chose between two turkeys earlier this month."

Don Arrup

Satire1

Petraeus

As the fallout of General Petraeus and Allen's irregular relations with married star hags continues and computers are confiscated and statements recorded, Satire1 takes to the shadows to find out how the spooks in the field feel about the former CIA Director's infidelity.

Napoleon Solo (Man from U.N.C.L.E.)

"Finally I understand why the THRUSH goons whipped me for fourteen hours because I wouldn't tell them who my biographer was."

China Doll

"As if it wasn't hard enough to seduce these middle aged alcoholic trench coats now we're getting competition from librarians."

White Spy (Mad Magazine's Spy Vs Spy)

"Sleeping with your biographer is just how powerful straight guys have sex with themselves."

Maxwell Smart

"Would you believe the D/CIA risked the security of the country because he was madly in love with a beautiful author? Okay, then would you believe he was fatally attracted to the kindred spirit of a fellow West Point Graduate? How about any any pretty face who flattered him and his wife looks like a pie wagon?"

James Bond

"M would never do that."

Boris Badenov

"I told you they were the real moose and squirrel."

George Smiley

"I guess two unfinished wars, the collapse of Europe, China muscling neighbors and stealing your industrial secrets and upheaval and terrorism throughout the Middle East just isn't enough action for some chaps."

Jack Ryan

"If these honchos who come over here from the Pentagon or the Hill would just spank their monkey like every other married man there wouldn't even be an Al Qaeda."

Don Arrup

Satire1

Soldier Boy

She fell in love with a soldier

But ended up with a spy 

Both married, have kids

And in the public eye

No pictures of her husband

Who was also fed the lies

Spy's wife got a big job

And doubled in her size

Ten years, two wars

Is a long not fucking time

He didn't win the wars

But controlled the mess we made

Sparing lives and treasure

Why shouldn't he get laid?

The big chief seat was taken

Where does a hero go?

To their 24th home

To run the spook show

All the dangers in the world

Not enough to fill his glass

So he reached to Carolina

For some easy ass

But groupies have their rivals

And wars all of their own

Everything's on the internet

Including who you bone

So our nation's greatest strategist

And master of our spies

Couldn't even cover up

A rendezvous with thigh

Don Arrup

Satire1

Plant Kingdom Weighs In

While the news and polling agencies wasted their time interviewing enfranchised Americans on the recent election Satire1 polled members of the plant kingdom as to who they would have preferred command their destiny.

Pumpkins- ornamental and sugar

"Obama is too thin. We don't know if Mormons have an All Saints Day so we don't know if they recognize Halloween but Romney has a Jack O'lantern smile and great hair."

Monsanto GMO Corn

"We don't care. Neither would dare touch our subsidies or the growing monopoly we have on the American and world diet. Romney doesn't drink Bourbon but he likes grits."

Hops

"Romney would have been a disaster for us while Obama's answer to racial profiling and civil unrest is to come in and have a beer."

Sugar Beets

"Michelle Obama is trying to ween your children off sugar and corn syrup in favor of moldy fruits and backyard vegetables. This favoritism is un-American and will end the hard earned attention your children won with their food allergies and asthma."

Tobacco

"Obama smokes on the side and though Romney doesn't the founders of his religion were big chewers. So we consider Romney and his contemporaries as traitors."

Wheat

"Obama has turned a blind eye to corn's Axis like takeover of your groceries. Even once sacred crackers like Saltines are losing ground to tortilla chips. It even has potatoes losing sleep."

Oats

"Mormons are just home grown Quakers so you know where we stand."

Cotton

"Stop picking on us."

Peanut

"I never saw either of them come out of their shell."

Broccoli

"The Latter Day Saints don't condone flatulence and Obama looks too thin to fart so they were a wash for us."

Lima Bean

"Ditto Broccoli."

Navy Bean

"Romney's was definitely our man. More ships more beans."

 Eggplant 

"Which one ordered an eggplant omelet?"

Don Arrup

Satire1

Elephant Rehash

With a sitting president with an approval rating just above Penn State's football coaching staff how did the Republican party manage to reelect him? To liberals Obama was a traitor, to conservatives a liar and to moderates he seemed out to lunch. 

Romney wasted his soundbites explaining that Obama was an honorable man just not up to the job and did nothing but convince unaligned voters that he himself had little integrity and would say anything to win. Romney wanted to be in front of the American people 24/7 and he wanted to hide. When asked about his taxes he asked about Obama's. When asked about Romney Care he criticized Obama Care. When asked about his defense policy he pointed to Obama's. 

Hey, we know Obama. Who are you?

His choice of unambiguous Representative Paul Ryan for VP only made Romney seem more suspect by contrast. He claimed that the government can't create jobs and that he would create 12 million jobs as president. He explained his 47 percent remark about as well as Clinton explained lying about the blow jobs. And finally, he wanted to put the nation's car manufacturers in the hands of lawyers and firms like Bain Capital.

Romney ran to the center after the primaries but he couldn't outrun the statements he made to win them. Most Americans don't make enough to owe the IRS. The word "taxes" only sends elephants screaming into the night. The Big Brother Government he lambasted was rescuing the northeast from the most powerful Atlantic storm ever recorded while his biggest supporter Governor Christie was praising the president for his interference and tyranny.

Almost everyone elected to Washington is part of the top 1% in terms of wealth and they like most Americans look out for their own. That's natural, that's democracy and that's American. But to listen to Romney and his wife recount how they struggled with only a million dollar stock portfolio while he attended Harvard seemed to most Americans a little out of touch. It's like he saying we only had a silver shovel to start out with but we turned it into a gold bulldozer.

Most Americans don't follow politics. Most vote with their gut. Both candidates put a microscope on their opponent and a magnifying glass on themselves. Since we knew Obama it appeared to be a contest between a flawed man and a slick ham. Didn't pass the mustard.

Don Arrup

Satire1 

Night of the Living Dead Ideas

As the country and world face new and frightening challenges Americans can be comforted with the fact that neither presidential candidate has ever had an original thought in their lives and certainly won't entertain any now that the country is falling apart.

Satire1 has gone straight to the garbage dump of history to interview the original proponents of today's clashing ideologies.

Franklin Delano Roosevelt

"I can't believe the country's kept that social security swindle I sold them back in the thirties. It is the most regressive tax ever created. The poor are whacked on every penny they make while the rich are touched only on their chum change. In 1935 when we passed it almost no worker lived to collect a dime while we padded the country club years of the owners. We didn't see the increase in longevity coming which explodes the Ponzi scheme but we thought it wouldn't last twenty years anyway."

Ronald Reagan

"Of course deficits don't matter unless you love your kids or prosperity or something. Nancy and I never fell into that trap. Just cut all the tax rates and starve the beast and the entrepreneurs and crime bosses will pick up the pieces. All you need is a big smile and a bogey man to blame. Getting votes is like selling movie tickets. Don't confuse them with reality. The public demands the same old crap."

FDR

"I loved your trickle down nonsense. I mean how many servants can the rich hire?"

RR

"Hey, I kept my promise to slash tax rates in the first year. Then after I learned my salary might be in jeopardy I raised them for the next seven."

FDR

"I do admire how much milage you got out of the Cold War even though the Soviets were long spent. I had World War Two to cover my ass when none of my charades worked."

RR

"I love how you Democrats get away with calling Republicans the rich man's party. I'd have sold our secrets to the Soviets for half the money you guys made 'representing' the interests of the poor." 

FDR

"We bought the poor off. Your party thought you could simply let a fifth of the country starve but found that your law and order campaigns actually cost twice as much in police and prisons."

RR

"Try four to six times as much when you factor in the private security but at least that's private sector."

FDR

"We both kept our friends rich with military buildups and enlistment was good jobs for the poor. I had hoped to keep us out of the mess but the Japanese just didn't get how the game is played."

RR

"The Soviet leaders knew I was the only friend they had. Without my bluster and threats of science fiction their people would have filled the streets for a washing machine that worked."

FDR

"You're more in touch than me. Who's the bogey man they're using now? The Arabs?"

RR

"The American people are tired of killing Muslims after two wars. They've been switching it more to the Chinese."

FDR

"The Chinese? We're more married to them than we were to our wives."

RR

"Yeah, but Americans don't feel like we're on top anymore."

FDR

"The average American knows what it is to be on the bottom on their belly but took pride that their country was on top."

RR

"Now their butts feels double pumped."

FDR

"This could drive people to the point of voting."

RR

"I don't think it will get that crazy."

FDR

"Does either party have any new ideas?"

RR

"You were at the start of American greatness and I was buried with the end of it. We had great lies then and countries need great lies in order to be great. We outlasted the Soviet Union because we changed from your lie to mine but now we're trying to keep the same lies going and lies only work so long."

VOTE

Don Arrup

Satire1