As the country and world face new and frightening challenges Americans can be comforted with the fact that neither presidential candidate has ever had an original thought in their lives and certainly won't entertain any now that the country is falling apart.
Satire1 has gone straight to the garbage dump of history to interview the original proponents of today's clashing ideologies.
Franklin Delano Roosevelt
"I can't believe the country's kept that social security swindle I sold them back in the thirties. It is the most regressive tax ever created. The poor are whacked on every penny they make while the rich are touched only on their chum change. In 1935 when we passed it almost no worker lived to collect a dime while we padded the country club years of the owners. We didn't see the increase in longevity coming which explodes the Ponzi scheme but we thought it wouldn't last twenty years anyway."
Ronald Reagan
"Of course deficits don't matter unless you love your kids or prosperity or something. Nancy and I never fell into that trap. Just cut all the tax rates and starve the beast and the entrepreneurs and crime bosses will pick up the pieces. All you need is a big smile and a bogey man to blame. Getting votes is like selling movie tickets. Don't confuse them with reality. The public demands the same old crap."
FDR
"I loved your trickle down nonsense. I mean how many servants can the rich hire?"
RR
"Hey, I kept my promise to slash tax rates in the first year. Then after I learned my salary might be in jeopardy I raised them for the next seven."
FDR
"I do admire how much milage you got out of the Cold War even though the Soviets were long spent. I had World War Two to cover my ass when none of my charades worked."
RR
"I love how you Democrats get away with calling Republicans the rich man's party. I'd have sold our secrets to the Soviets for half the money you guys made 'representing' the interests of the poor."
FDR
"We bought the poor off. Your party thought you could simply let a fifth of the country starve but found that your law and order campaigns actually cost twice as much in police and prisons."
RR
"Try four to six times as much when you factor in the private security but at least that's private sector."
FDR
"We both kept our friends rich with military buildups and enlistment was good jobs for the poor. I had hoped to keep us out of the mess but the Japanese just didn't get how the game is played."
RR
"The Soviet leaders knew I was the only friend they had. Without my bluster and threats of science fiction their people would have filled the streets for a washing machine that worked."
FDR
"You're more in touch than me. Who's the bogey man they're using now? The Arabs?"
RR
"The American people are tired of killing Muslims after two wars. They've been switching it more to the Chinese."
FDR
"The Chinese? We're more married to them than we were to our wives."
RR
"Yeah, but Americans don't feel like we're on top anymore."
FDR
"The average American knows what it is to be on the bottom on their belly but took pride that their country was on top."
RR
"Now their butts feels double pumped."
FDR
"This could drive people to the point of voting."
RR
"I don't think it will get that crazy."
FDR
"Does either party have any new ideas?"
RR
"You were at the start of American greatness and I was buried with the end of it. We had great lies then and countries need great lies in order to be great. We outlasted the Soviet Union because we changed from your lie to mine but now we're trying to keep the same lies going and lies only work so long."
VOTE
Don Arrup
Satire1
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