Yuletide Tales 16

--Grandpaw Straw, who was this Amahl and what were these Night Visitors who visited him?

Well, Little Billy, Amahl was a little cripple boy whose widowed mother’s health insurance didn’t cover his previous condition. The Night Visitors were Senators from the swamp between Maryland and Virginia who were following the radio star Limbaugh’s directions to a tower in New York City bearing gifts to the baby Donald.

--What happened to Amahl?

Amal and his mother were beaten to death with Amal’s crutch by the Senators because they were not lobbyists.

--And who’s this Scrooge fellow I’m always hearing about this time of year?

Hillary Scrooge was a former Senator who ran a gigantic foundation that sucked the life’s blood out of every charitable heart it fooled. 

--I heard Hillary was the cheapest skate that every lived.

With her own money true but no one could spend the people’s money like Hillary Scrooge. There was not a black hole in the country or the entire solar system she would not sink the Treasury into and claim as part of her sainthood.

--Didn’t ghosts come after her when she was trying to sleep?

Her old partner Bill spooked her first and told of the three to follow. The Ghost of Floozies Past, Bernie Sanders Claus and the Ghost of Continuing Investigations made for a long Eve.

--Did Tim’s dad at least get a raise?

Bob Cratchit’s bookkeeping job was lost to Microsoft Office and an online accounting service out of Ireland.

--And Tiny Tim? Did he ever walk again?

Not before he was trampled to death in Times Square under the heels of a He’s Not My President rally.

--How about Rudolph? Will he lead Santa’s sleigh team tonight?

I’m afraid not, Billy. Even though his red nose is due to a genetic abnormality Santa simply doesn’t have the time on Christmas Eve to be pulled over for sobriety tests in every burg he rolls through.

--You mean the police don’t trust Santa Claus?

Santa moves a lot of goods and services without taxation and violates sacred trade deals. Obama pledged to end the magic and miracle economy and to his credit he has had some success putting that genii back into the bottle.

--But Grandpaw Straw, it sounds like Christmas will never be the same.

Christmas never was the same, Billy. The best thing about the past is it’s over. You can trim, hang, send, wrap and sing and still you have to wait for Christmas to just bite you in the ass. Hanukkah and Kwanzaa too.  

--But Grandpaw, what about New Year’s?

What’s new about it?

Don Arrup

Satire1

Russian Prez Elect Trump Denies CIA Helped Him

After discussing plans to minefield their border against immigration from the former Soviet satellite countries, Demetri Trump dismissed reports in the capitalist press that Russian intelligence has evidence of American Central Intelligence tampering with his election.

“Hey, we fix our own elections here, thank you,” Trump said. “The Americans can’t even manage an honest election let alone a fixed one.”

Russian Enterprise Institute experts Boris Badenov and Natasha Fatale agreed.

“We don’t have any of this secret ballot and shameful booth. Our elections are most open and free,” said Badenov. 

“The table, pen and ballot box is right out in the open in front of the firing squad where everybody can see.” Ms. Fatale added.  

“In America, everything is rigged- elections, courts, Wall Street, junior proms. It’s all the big fix,” said Trumpov. “In Russia, the will of the people is supreme and they want me to make all the decisions so I bow to the will of the people.”

Both Boris and Natasha used to work for the former Red House occupants Clintoffs (who they refer to as Moose and Squirrel) but switched allegiances when their new Fearless Leader emerged. “Trumposki will make Mother Russia great again,” boasted Boris. “We have an army of spies and soldiers and plenty of nukes. Diplomacy is for losers.”

“That is why Fearless Pompadour has appointed Russia’s top pump jockey to be Foreign Minister,” Natasha snarled, referring to black market energy mobster and Godfather of X-ON, Rox Tillev. “All he needs now is some backwater clown to be Energy Minister. The Red Army and KGBeen will take care of everything else.”

Don Arrup

Satire1

Turd Party

Jill Stein, Green Party candidate for the Presidency of the United States, only needs 270 electoral votes to surpass Trump and Clinton. Since accepting the results of elections has become un-American this millennium, Ms. Stein is calling for and getting recounts in several states. Satire1 offers a variety of views on the subject.

Donald Trump

“The whole election was fixed. Jill Stein was screwed. She definitely won a few states, Tenhio, Virginisee, New Calichusettes at the very least.”

Hillary Clinton

“I can see how even a turd party candidate who might have cost me a couple of states might feel herself not properly evaluated or calculated. In respect to her right to challenge the results my campaign will contribute 247 lawyers and 827 million in cash to encourage an inquiry we don’t actually condone.”

Woman at Hartsdale Road and Loch Raven Boulevard 

“I’m a Democrat and I voted for Hillary but Jill was right on Clinton’s heels and 63 and a half million votes either way could have given us a Green President.”

Joe Patagonia, Owner of Whoosebot (a Chow Collie)

“I think we need a president who can sing. Or at least dance. I hope Trump hires some song writers or a choreographer instead of the same old speechwriters. Peggy Noonan just makes too  much sense and nobody wants that. Nothing in the entire world makes sense anymore so what is Peg talking about?”

Another Woman at Hartsdale and Loch Raven

“Why doesn’t Trump grab my bundle? Why does a perfectly healthy rich American celebrity order in skinny foreign bitches for wives? Somebody didn’t suck his dick in high school.”

Dick Hurtz D.D.S.

“Stein just can’t believe a woman couldn’t win it this time and I’m with her. Hillary couldn’t overcome a caveman and a Communist? What do we need to change? The solar system?”

Jack Kack, mortician and squash player

“I can’t believe the parties and the media don’t get it. The losing party wins. Their voters stay upset and write checks and fill the bitchdrome while the supposed winners have to try to actually govern this mobacracy and build something out of the diarrhea they’ve been selling.”

Gertrude Slime, ?

“The White House Press Corps is afraid they’re going to lose their jobs to Twitter. Trump only has four words for you that he’ll be using for the next four years- we’re working on it.”

Chloe Towtown, graduate student and excessive masturbator

“Jill Stein definitely won. Hillary Clinton didn’t get any votes. She just got some anti-Trump votes. Donald Trump didn’t get any votes. He just got anti-Hillary votes. Jill is the only candidate who actually had voters vote for her. We can’t count the negative votes. Besides, there’s too many of them.”

Don Arrup

Satire1

Trump Says He Will Not Pardon Turkeys

As a part of his hard on fowl policy, President Elect Trump claims that he will not pardon turkeys  when Thanksgiving approaches once he is in office. “President Obama has no problem throwing another bird on the farm welfare system but when I take office it will be the oven for all gobblers.”

Citing the deep sadness he experienced when he first encountered starving Harvard students, Trump swore that he would leave no drumstick unturned until every fattened bird was roasted on the third Thursday of November. 

The “original illegal aliens” as the President Elect refers to Native Americans, Trump holds responsible for bringing the bird from the Middle East to the Americas. “This continent was a clean continent before the Indians brought that Muslim bird here from the Ottoman Empire. This land was a paradise before they came here with their credit default swaps and pay day loans.”

Though the President Elect doesn’t blame the birds for the complete collapse of our entire economy and society he points out that their flesh was the second largest contributor to the white meat mania of just a decade ago. “Both the right wing and liberal press constantly accused me of supporting White Meat Supremacy during my campaign. I eat red meat and yellow, hot dogs are terra-cotta, blue fish, grey octopus and barbecue black. I’m multi-carnivore. Tell all the animals. You come here. We’ll eat you. It’s not a problem.”

Pressed by the press the President Elect confessed that the only turkey he would consider pardoning would be Hillary Clinton.

Happy T Bird Day

Don Arrup

Satire1

The Last Poll

Democrats over 40

1) Elizabeth Warren

2) George Clooney 

3) Michelle Obama

4) Bernie Sanders

5) Stalin

6) Satan

7) Hillary Clinton

Republicans over 40

1) Ted Cruz

2) Peggy Noonan

3) Jesus Christ

4) Newt Gingrich

5) Adolf Hitler

6) Paul Ryan

7) Donald J Trump

8) Sarah Palin

Democrats under 40

1) Bernie Sanders

2) Justin Bieber

3) Bernie Sanders

4) Elizabeth Warren

5) Jane O’Meara Sanders

6) Justice Ruth Bader Ginsberg

7) Batman

Republicans under 40

1) Paul Ryan

2) Alexander Hamilton

3) Pope Francis

4) Hillary Clinton

5) Adam Smith

6) Abraham Lincoln

7) Donald J Trump

Vote

Don Arrup

Satire1

Fright Night 2016

FRIGHT NIGHT 2016

The real Fright Night 2016 is Tuesday, November 8 but in observance of Halloween and the horrors to come next week Fox News and MSNBC run their holiday specials.

Fox News

6pm     A Fistful of Hello

8pm     Return of the Regulator

10pm    The Devil Wears Pantsuits 

12am    Saving Private Equity

2am     Trumptanic 

MSNBC

6pm     The Trumpford Wives

8pm     Shadow of the Co Pay

10pm    The Server in the Cellar

12pm    Not Another Bimbo

2am      Not Another Weiner!

Don Arrup

Satire1

C Town Glory

For those of you who are not Major League Baseball or history buffs, a little primer to put tonight’s World Series opener between the two longest suffering franchises in professional sports in perspective. 

The Last Time The Cleveland Indians Won The World Series

--Native Americans (i.e. “Indians”) were the only people here to play baseball

--Umpires had just begun calling balls and strikes since language was just invented

--There were no home teams or home runs since the concepts of a settled domicile and private property had yet to be invented

--Fly outs and pop outs would today be considered indecent exposure

--A sacrifice bunt could not involve a minor or non consenting adult

--Hot dogs were free but you had to catch them

The Last Time The Chicago Cubs Won The World Series

--The ball had yet to be invented

--Both leagues were still integrated with Neanderthal and Cro-Magnon players

--The Detroit Tigers were actually Saber-toothed tigers 

--Games were not scheduled but spontaneous meetings of rival hunting parties who threw rocks at each other and swung their clubs to return thrown rocks  

--Hot dogs, yeah, but don’t ask

Don Arrup

Satire1 

Shrimpathon

The city of Las Vegas, Nevada consumes 60,000 pounds of shrimp daily almost on par with the total shrimp consumption in the rest of the United States combined. Since the Gulf of Nevada produces few shrimp (zero to be exact as there is no Gulf of Nevada) all of the shrimp is imported from other regions of the United States and abroad. 

Asians particularly love shrimp and the Chinese refer to shrimp (and lobsters and prawns) as “Sea Dragons” while the Sioupachejo tribe of Baldwin, Maryland refers to the delicacy as “Small Hands.” As fate and television ratings would have it, C (linton) Dragon debates Small Hands Trump in Las Vegas tonight. A veritable shrimpathon.

Moderating the debate (as if moderation on any level was even a remote possibility) will be Chris Wallace, estranged son of Mike Wallace, the famous 60 Minutes milquetoast. Chris was a 1951 All American Pre School Linebacker for the Northside Chicago Crib Crushers before playing Ninja and outside executioner for the elite Hotchkiss School in Lakeville, Connecticut.

Reporting and anchoring for three of the four major networks , Wallace has maintained his technique of Tasmanian Devil interviewing seeking the interviewee’s genitals even over the truth. “Fact checking is not the moderator’s job but the opposing candidate’s. I just go for the balls and see what rolls out.”

Critics from both parties claim that since it is fall and far into the race the opposing candidate will try to hide their nuts from squirrelly journalists even in front of the entire nation. Wallace promises more action and controversy than a Kardashian pajama party and to shed more blood than light in this dark campaign.

President Obama praised Wallace’s intentions. “I’ve been in this office for almost eight years and the one thing I have learned above all else is the American people don’t want to hear the truth. And I don’t blame them. The truth sucks. And if you think things are bad from what you see and read, let me tell you.”

“The economy isn’t bad. It’s over. Done. Our schools are doing a good job of preparing our children for 1955. They can get great jobs but they will probably have to move- back in time. And as far as international affairs, Israel will survive. We won’t. This is our last election before Shari Law replaces Donald Chump or Hellary Clinton with a Caliph and the Supreme Court with a bunch of beards.”

“And you don’t even want to know what will happen to my Cubs.”

Don Arrup

Satire1

Monster Masher

It was on a plane at thirty thousand feet. Practically outer space. I noticed when I went to wash my small hands that there was an attractive young lady apparently alone, possibly lonely, maybe even a little frightened of being away from her mother for the first time- her real mother- the mother of us all- Mother Earth- she’s like a broad in Greek Mythology- I went to college. I FELT AN OBLIGATION to invite her out of her outer space isolation. I HEEDED A VOICE that said invite the young woman to the seat I always reserve for such emergencies- legs up to here only her hemline went higher- higher than the plane- the seat next to me.

I explained the crisis to the stewardess who promptly and discretely passed the “upgrade” to the lass. Yes, I arranged it. Yes, I was deceitful in a generous and sensitive way so as not to make the young lady feel in any way obligated. The stewardess, tall, blond, Dutch like I like them but too busy at the time, escorted the accuser in question to the open space on my love seat. We were at at least thirty thousand feet- maybe even forty- practically outer space- Earth rules don’t apply. I’m up there. I’m Captain Kirk with an attractive- well, all the broads on the Enterprise are knockouts. No fatties. No dogs. No dogs. No hogs.

I was talking to this woman and it was thirty years ago when people still got laid and thirty thousand feet- deep space- even the Moon was like a dot- and it’s Star Trek and I’m Captain Kirk and she was no Spock I can tell you and we hit an air pocket as we were leaving the Earth’s atmosphere and I could feel the air pressure plunge so I plunged my small hands into her lower orifices so her bowels and birthing apparatus wouldn’t be sucked out of her into the cabin by the violent vacuum. 

I was applying First Aid!

Look, doctors and nurses are going to deny this. They lie because no woman would take a plane again if this got out and there is no pill they can sell you to stop it so with no buck for them or anybody why blow the airline industry’s racket? 

I’m talking about Tunnel Rectum and Puckered Pussy. Very real dangers for women. You can forget your creams. Forget your essential oils, special diets, yoga. Nothing is going to protect you, ladies. Especially your doctors. And the reason your doctors and nurses and therapists can’t help you is that they deny Tunnel Rectum and Puckered Pussy exist. Tens of thousands of cases documented every year and they’ll tell you it’s all in your head. No, Dumbbell, it’s in my ass not my head. Bill me when you get your head out of yours. 

The doctors and the nurses and the airlines. Cahoots. The difference between a nurse and a stewardess? The uniform. Their own mothers couldn’t tell them apart. On the first Thursday of every month, the doctors fly the planes and pilots put on white robes and hit the hospitals and operating rooms. This has been going on for years. Since Monica Clinton and Bill Lewinsky.

And the real question is- who’s the victim here? A young woman now an old broad, unbeknownst to her, is invited to an upgrade from steerage to first class on the Starship Enterprise and gets to sit next to the Captain. The Star Fleet Captain since military school. Soon to be Star Fleet Commander in Chief. And we hit a bump and everything changes and the air changes and she just consumed my small hands with her vagina and anus. Taking advantage of them as though they were little children. 

And I really wouldn’t go there if it wasn’t for the flagrant violation. Being accused of giving first aid to a young woman with so much of her femininity just hanging out of her no dress and now I’m supposed to be the bad guy? I saved her life. She was able to walk all the way back to steerage. No problem. Able to walk right through the rest of her hurtful, bitter life.

Saved her from an in flight air pressure hysterectomy and this is how she thanks me. 

The broad in my tower was all over me. There’s no question. I kept trying to bob and weave between her relentless frontal attacks on my lips, my face. I can’t even mention what my small hands were trying to protect down there. It wasn’t my wallet, I can tell you. And she gets frustrated and then dizzy and before you know it I’m performing CPR on her to keep her on her feet. Probably the only guy beside her brother who ever did that. CPR, ladies and gentlemen. It was mouth to mouth. I don’t sing show tunes. And now, still alive after I saved her, she’s accusing me of what? kissing her? Give me a break.

Don Arrup

Satire1 

Supreme Diversity

Sixty years ago, Ruth Bader Ginsberg attended Harvard Law School as one of seven women in a freshman class of five hundred and became a member of the school’s prestigious law review. Her husband’s promotion to New York City brought Brooklyn born Ruth back to finish her law degree at Columbia. Later, she would be initiated into the super secret robed society of the The Supremes which is the enforcing arm of the Universal Cahoots Council of Catholics and Jews which clandestinely controls our species and planet.

Justice Ginsberg, a born a then Jew, was hoping to be joined by another member of her tribe, Merrick Garland, whom President Obama chose to replace recently deceased Roman Catholic Anthony Scalia. But Republicans in the Senate balked at the prospect of a robe from the Mid West. Senator Babel Belt “The Senate has preserved a careful coastal monopoly in the court that can not be sullied by a “tweener” from Illinois. We appreciate that Judge Garland is named after a storied American rifle and is a descendant of Israel but Justice Scalia’s preservation of the secret Constitution will not be undone by one of Obama’s fellow Chicago hoods.”

Concerns across the political spectrum that the Two Law Schools, Two Religions, Two Coasts Court was corrupted by Ginsberg’s migratory judicial education are being stated for the first time in the media by the ruling Oligarchs. “Let the Protestants and Mormons and even Minorities be President and legislators. Nothing they do lasts anyway. But when it comes to the Supremes you’re talking appointments for life.”

“As long as we can keep the Protestants and agnostics battling over blowjobs and bathrooms the Elders of Zion and the Holy See can continue to run the world,” Ginsberg explained. “Rabbi Xi Jinping and Cardinal Putin have provided wonderful distraction on the international front. All the fuss in the Middle East is just jockeying on the part of Muslims to get a better deal for the sand traps. You don’t see the Buddhists making trouble. They know Tibet is for tourists.”

Don Arrup

Satire1

Blow Matthew Blow

Hurry hurry hurry Hurricane Matthew

Forty six years ago today Janis Joplin died

For love of Matthew who never bought her albums

Attended her concerts

Or stared at her poster on his wall

The Baltimore Orioles go to Canada today

To face the godless bats of the northern barbarians

Bring Baseball’s best to Baltimore

Where they can reclaim the land as theirs

During the seventh inning stretch

Second Bananas Debate tonight

As if they mattered

Trump and Clinton are too mean to die

Bullets bounce off them

Only the truth stings and the country bleeds

The real president of the United States Kim Kardashian

Was robbed of boobs and booty in a Paris Hotel

Terrorists blew up her celebrity

Toppled her pedestal

Stole the Mercedes Benz the Lord gave her instead of JJ

Russia and the United States aren’t kissing

Columbia kicks its rebels out of bed

Uber has yet another competitor

And the media sells this to us

Calling it news

Don Arrup

Satire1

I Don't Want Your Fat Vote

Former Miss Universe undatable according to Donald. Hillary puts her opponent’s supporters on the pillory. I don’t want their deplorable vote. Don’t sully my sanitary napkin campaign and presidency. I want Bernie’s votes. I want Obama’s.

Enough.

Following this election is like being spanked with a fish. The only reason Donald still has supporters is that he hasn’t had enough time to get to them with his insults. Hillary has support because lies take time to be discovered. 

Neither is as bad as their opponents make them out to be. Almost no one in the history of the species is as bad as their opponents make these two out to be. One is a friend of Putin. The other a friend of Pelosi. Tough call.

Trump and Clinton seem like such buffoons because they are the fun house mirrors of us. Trump’s angry. We’re angry. Clinton feels encroached upon. So do we. They tell us what we want to hear. We tell ourselves what we want to hear. Wall Street is the problem and half of us own stocks. Trade has destroyed us and we stand in line at Walmart. The government has taken us over so where’s my mother’s Social Security check?

In guns we trust. In green we trust. (Money green not sustainable environment. When is global warming going to reach my nuts?) In big houses, big cars, big wallets and breasts.

Hang in there. We’re still America. We’re just not in the pageant this year.

Don Arrup

Satire1

Battle Of The Blondes 2

Hofstra U. Auditorium, 9:26pm September 26 in the last year of the world

Hillary

That is not true. That is not true. I never said I would offer Ms. Lewinsky an ambassadorship if I became president. I said I would consider Monica for a- 

Trump

Is it true you said you do not want to be called Mrs. President?

Hillary

Sounds like the President’s wife.

Trump

And you do not want to be called Madame President?

Hillary

I am not running the White House as a brothel.

Trump

So Bill won’t be living with you?

Hillary

I have mentioned Ms. Monica Lewinsky as a possible candidate among many who I would consider for the new cabinet post I’m proposing, Secretary of Women and Minorities.

Trump

How many white men do you have on your list for that secretaryship?

Hillary

Last time I checked white men were not a minority.

Trump

Thirty one per cent is not a majority.

Hillary

They are the majority of the House, the Senate, the Supreme Court-

Trump

How can you tell? They’re all wearing moo moos. It’s the Transgender Court.

Hillary

And transracial. Justice Kennedy is a black man. Justice Thomas is not.

Trump

So, tell us about this department of bitches and whiners.

Hillary

I’m going to get Monica a job anywhere away from my husband if I have to promote her to Admiral of the furthest fleet. That, or keep her right under my heel.

Trump

Sounds like a plan. Okay, forget the lesbian man moderator. We didn’t come here to be moderate. Nobody wants moderation. Everybody wants more. We’re all pissed off. Rich and poor. Black, Red, Yellow, Brown and White. Forget the moderator. Down to it, Hellary. 

Hillary

What? I’m the devil now?

Trump

No, I’m the Devil and you’re my minion, bought and paid for. 

Hillary

I always keep you in my heart. Donald.

Trump

I’ll show you my tax returns if you show me your lost emails.

Hillary

I’ll show you mine if you show me yours?

Trump

We’re in the corner of the school yard in the teacher’s one blindspot.

Hillary

Where life takes place. 

Trump

So we just continue to show what we’ve shown and consolidate our image into an even grosser cartoon?

Hillary

That won’t end in November.

Trump

I only have to make it through one term and I go into syndication.

Hillary

First thing I’m going to do is pardon myself and then maybe Bill.

Trump

I’m not building a wall.

Hillary

No shit.

Trump

I have a bigger project. This country is going to build a hotel on the Moon.

Hillary

And call it Trump Hotel?

Trump

No, Trump Moon. We’ve had that rock for over fifty years and haven’t done anything with it. 

Hillary

Well, if building a hotel on the Moon was my highest priority I would certainly vote for you.

Trump

I want you to vote for me.

Hillary

Vote for you? How much?

Trump

I have a figure written on my hand.

Hillary

Your hand is too small. No, I spoke too soon. It’s a deal.

Trump

Thought that would impress you.

Hillary

If you get in give Lewinsky an ambassadorship.

Trump

Where do you want her?

Hillary

I don’t know. Mars. Middle Earth. Out of the way.

Trump

If you become president don’t steal my moon idea.

Hillary

Not much chance of that. 

Trump

Because I’ll be running again as a Democrat or third party. Whatever.

Hillary

Well, may the best blonde win.

Don Arrup

Satire1

First Debate

(About mid way through:)

DT

I know you’re a liberated woman-

HC

Do we still use that term? American women liberated ourselves in the early 70’s.

DT

My daughter is going to be President some day.

HC

So is mine.

DT

So you won’t mind if I urinate on you from here.

HC

Excuse me?

DT

For the emails certainly. For Benghazi never.

HC

Are you going to try to urinate on me?

DT

From here. If I can piss that far.

HC

With your small hands?

DT

This is all bladder under my shirt. I’m half German.

HC

What happened to Swedish? Where did your grandparents come from this week?

DT

I’m Swedish through my daughters. The first thing I’m going to do when I get in the White House is legalize blowjobs in the White House.

HC

It is a private residence along with the seat of the executive.

DT

I’m legalizing blowjobs because I’m inviting the leader of every county we have a trade or defense deal with-

HC

If you are referring to treaties that would be over half the countries in the world.

DT

And I will receive them In State, on their knees, making America great again in their mouths.

HC

So this is your dickplomacy?

DT

Merkel will have to do something with her hair.

HC

You want the most powerful politician in Europe to change her hair for one blowjob?

DT

I put on makeup to blow your husband.

HC

What?

DT

Violet Spring eye shadow and candy apple lipstick. I was glad to. He was at the time of fellatio the nation’s president and leader of the free world.

HC

That’s not how I heard it, Lickie Loo.

DT

Merkel needs a new do. 

HC

The combined forces of United States, China and Russia couldn’t get a comb through-

DT

I’m not marching American lives through those follicles-

HC

You’re afraid of women.

DT

I love women.

HC

American dicks are too big- at least since the conclusion of the Second World War. A diet as meat-centric as nomads combined with the grains of an agrarian society. Big, fat, overinflated American phalluses have turned half the world into pussy and the other half into rectum.

DT

What are other countries for? For god’s sake, for mine, why allow other cultures if they don’t serve us? The gas stations around Israel are just that. Nobody told them to stick their religion in our face. They kicked our ass a thousand years ago and now we’re kicking theirs. What’s the problem? 

HC

Well, there are problems and we have to deal with them. You can’t just say anything you want and expect that to fix the world.

DT

Except for popping off a couple of beards with drones and Seals, you and Obama used nothing but words and the whole globe has fallen apart. There isn’t even a Europe anymore. Western Europe is just the waiting room for Third World refuges. Now every poor country thinks they’re Mexico and can just go wherever the beer is colder. 

HC

If you don’t believe in surgical strikes against terror what are you going to do? Carpet bomb the Hajj?

DT

When we have Tomahawk missiles gathering dust in the Arabian Sea?

MODERATOR

We need to take a break for-

HC & DT

Shut the f*#k up!

Don Arrup

Satire1

Say What?

On Friday, August 26 the New York City Taxi and Limousine Commission will cease to test new applicants for English proficiency as a part of their chauffeur license exam. The Councilman who sponsored the bill said that since Uber and Lyft didn’t burden their thugs the city should follow suit and cease to molest prospective cabbies with unreasonable demands like the ability to communicate with riders. 

Satire1, being somewhat familiar with the English language from reading Shakespeare and translating Jane Austin into Valley Girl, ventured out into the streets of New York to find out what New Yorkers had to say about the change.

“You mean, New York taxi drivers were supposed to be able to speak English before this? Since when?”

“I read somewhere that Hillary Clinton could speak English. She had to learn it to go to England a couple of times and there’s like four bathrooms in all of London.”

“There were four bathrooms before The Blitz left Londoners with just one which they call the Loo. They all go down the Tube to do their business whether it’s to blow a fag or open their bumbershoot.”

“I took a class in English in high school and we read about this whoe named Ivan all punked out in armor. Queen Elizabeth Taylor was in the movie and she spoke perfect American.”

“English is like what Klingons and the other ear guys speak on Star Trek. It’s like outer space talk but you can kind of understand it.” 

“A guy in my building speaks English and he lives everyday in the middle of a massacre. Everything’s bloody this and blimey that.”

“Who wants a driver who can understand every intimate secret you and your friends blab on your cell phone?”

“Why would anyone talk to a taxi driver in New York City? No one knows where they are to begin with let alone where they’re going. You hop in a cab in New York just to get the hell away from where you are.”

Don Arrup

Satire1