Anybody But Mitt

Former Governor Mitt Romney on the campaign trail

"I think if there is one word that describes me it would have to be conservative. I am a true conservative, have conservative values, governed the Commonwealth of Massachusetts conservatively, have lots of kids, same wife. religious and filthy rich. Now if that doesn't spell conservative I don't know what does. Almost everyone thinks I'm conservative. Very conservative. The only people who don't think I'm a conservative are the conservatives."

Don Arrup

Satire1

Belated Valentines

To Newt Gingrich from Mitt Romney

I love your big pants and reporter spanking charm

Your sordid marriages and spiteful ex

You really did no harm

And though we fought and spat

On our debate dates

Throughout the year

Soon we'll be dancing together

Kicking Obama's rear

To Mitt Romney from the poor

It wasn't news to us

That we had lost your love

You've fallen for the Mad Hatters

And their libertarian lust

But your heart is not so free

No matter what you say

And on your knees you'll beg

Come next Election Day

To Dictator Assad from "his people"

You murdered us outside our Mosques

Each Friday since the Spring

You bully us just like your father

As to your throne you cling

And though your tanks still trample

And your helicopters spray

There are not enough bullets in all the world

To make us go away

To President Obama from the American Catholic Church

A sticky fight

When it comes to rights

And for each act we must pay

You sided with women

Against our boss

November is Judgement Day

Don Arrup

Satire1

Poor

In response to Republican Primary frontrunner Mitt Romney's statement that he doesn't care about the poor Satire1 spoke to the other candidates in this year's presidential election circus on their thoughts on the subject.

Mitt Romney

"First of all let me get the record straight as to what I said that caused so much controversy. The liberal media has misquoted me by snatching a sound bite and editing it to embarrass me and try and keep my nomination competitive. What I actually said was I don't give a shit about the poor because they don't vote, there is a safety net called prison to catch them and then they can never vote and I'll build enough prisons to make sure that there is a roof over every Americans head and a hot meal to nourish them."

Newt Gingrich

"I let my record as Speaker of the House speak for me concerning the plight of impoverished Americans. I have never and will never care about America's poor. That is why I ended welfare. As a candidate I called Obama the food stamps president and assured the American people that those down on their luck will starve when I become president. There will be plenty of positions open in our armed forces once I get us into war with Iran and the Moon for those who will grasp the opportunity and I know for a fact that at least some of the millions former governor Romney pays in extortion to the Mormon Church is going towards the poor. "

Rick Santorum

"I don't think it is the government's role to interfere with God's plan. Jesus said the least among us belonged to him and that they will inherit the earth after the rich have stripped it of every mineral and nutrient. The federal government's anti-poverty programs are anti-christian and inviting the undereducated masses to damnation through material comfort."

Congressman Ron Paul (the only one with a job)

"I don't know who Mitt Romney is talking about when he talks about the poor because that is just about everybody except for the handful of suits he belongs to who have been erecting this giant ponzi scheme and calling it an economy. If you're an American you are broke because the country is broke, the currency is worthless, dollar bills are just IOUs to the Chinese and if you think you own a house you better think again because that house owns you and hopefully it provides some privacy and protection from the elements because the only thing increasing faster than property taxes will be the interest rate on its mortgage and the decline in its value."

President Obama

"I'm tired of listening to my critics accuse me of caring for the poor and I challenge them to point to one thing I've done as president to ease their plight. Everything I've done since taking office has been to preserve the middle class and try and keep them from joining the poor. My expansion of the food stamps program is welfare but it is corporate welfare preserving the profits of General Mills and the American Meat Association. Just as my health care bill is designed to protect not the health of the American people but the health insurance industry. The extension of unemployment benefits rescued breweries and distilleries both local and national in danger of losing customers."

"Even back in my community organizing days I was caroling bodies to the voting booths to keep the same ham handed politicians who scream and holler for the conservative media while collecting their envelopes in office. I don't see how any reasonable citizen could mistake such shameless manipulation as caring."

"The American people are a generous and caring people as long as it doesn't cost us anything. In good times and bubbles we believe that anyone who works hard at school and isn't killed by drug gangs has a chance to make something of themselves. In hard times we believe that anyone who is poor is stupid and lazy and might as well join a drug gang."

Don Arrup

Satire1

The Devil And Bill Parcells

Bill. Coached the Black Nights till offered the throne of the fly boys who he flew to national prominence. Pros beckoned. Made the Giants giant again and again then went to hell to the Was Boston Patriots owned by Kraft. Always Bill took Billy with him. Even after he got the beantown boys to the big time and blew back to the Apple to fuel the lowly Jets. Jersey Boy Bill found comfort in Gang Green and retired to an office trusting Billy to keep the Jets soaring. But Billy blew back to Bosstown and has been nothing but trouble since.

Bill went Cowboy for a while while Billy embraced Bad Boy Brady. Bill finally retired for good to his Jersey hood but Billy is back and up to no good.

Purple Birds. Our hope lied in them. The ravenous Ravens had the Pats down pat but for a toe of a sky snatcher and the guy who foots pigskins. The ray of light and Lewis that reached the field from the angry heavens was gone. He's off to Hawaii with the other fallen.

So now only the Giants stand in the way. Can Big Blue save the day?

Grabbing Gronkowski has a bit of a gimp but flanker spanker Wes still rides the wind like Mercury through defenses puzzled and muzzled by Billy and Brady's flying circus. Let the blitz begin.

Not since 1940 when England stood alone against the onslaught of evil has the fate of so many fans fallen into the hands of so few. What is G coach Coughlin to do?

Pound the rock. Even as B&B rack up the score. Hit and block. Make their shoulders sore. Brad Jack and Shaw must carry the day and ball till late in the first half they begin to crack the New England oyster. Let the play action begin. Then Cruz will cruise, Manningham will be the man and ole Saint Nicks will move the sticks. The thin Blue line of Osi, Canty, Tuck and lucky Pierre must allow no time for Brady to air.

Eli's coming. Top tier or no the score will show. In the final minutes it will fall into his hand. Strike up the band.

Duane Charles Parcells and Billy Belichick created this mess. Their coaching promiscuity, broken contracts and exchanged draft picks allowed an evil dynasty to fester in the far northeast. Now New York must kill the beast once and for all so that heavens light might once again fall on America's beloved game of football.

Go Giants.

Don Arrup

Satire1

Open Marriage

Fellow Republican Presidential hopefuls responded to the allegations of former House Speaker Newt Gingrich's ex wife that he had proposed an open marriage.

Rick Santorum

"I believe in closed marriages. I never got any except when my wife was ovulating and that includes Christmas and Valentine's Day so I know what it is like to struggle in this country. It is commonly agreed among theologians that sex is portrayed as original sin in the Bible and should be treated as a necessary evil to continue the human race and sell them cars and beer."

"My only open relationship is with God and the fat cats funding my campaign."

Ron Paul

"Excuse me but I don't think candidate's sex life or the sex life of any elected official is anyone's business but their own. If the governor or president isn't having his needs met in office or in his relationship he should be free to contract a blowjob or quickie with a professional so he or she can get on with their lives and job. The Republican Party is supposed to be about getting the government off the backs of the people and out of their pockets and here we are with both hands in Mr. Gingrich's pockets just sort of feeling around to see which of his nuts is bigger."

"Since CNN has decided that it is the Playboy news channel maybe we should just stop all this endless debating and pull up that table you reporters are sitting behind and have each of the candidates just pull it out and let the American people decide who is the bigger man."

Newt Gingrich

"You wouldn't want to do that in the general election, Congressman Paul. President Obama is from Hawaii."

Mitt Romney

"You're all missing the whole point. As the pre-ordained nominee predicted in the Book Of Mormon let me put the American people at ease. I and my six wives have always held ourselves to the strictest interpretation of monogamy. A monogamy not just of the body but of the spirit.

Don Arrup

Satire1

Food Stamp Prez

Republican Presidential hopeful Newt Gingrich spoke to Satire1 after calling President Obama "the food stamp president."

"I don't know how in a country that only grows one quarter of the world's food supply and throws away enough food everyday to feed the world people can expect there not to be hunger. Obama wants to feed them while I say that hunger is the primary motivation for people to educate and empower themselves. Hunger is even more powerful than greed. Besides, few of the hungry, especially those of color, will ever vote Republican and with their growing numbers if we want to retain the character of this country the best way is to starve them off the voting rolls."

"Obama is the food stamp president. I want to be starvation president. I won't even have to campaign. I'll let the Democrats do that for me. I'll just visit schools and veteran hospitals and offer pithy proposals for inexpensive programs. When the interviewers ask me if I am heartless I'll say I have as much compassion as any reasonable person until I have to pay my bills."

"My first act as president will be to call on Congress to move elections for federal office up to April just before taxes are due so the American people can weigh how much all this costs. November is as far away from the IRS deadline as you can get. And with all the holiday marketing brainwashing in full swing before you even start to buy things people can be deluded into thinking they care."

"My second act will be to abolish funds for homeless shelters and public housing. If you don't feed people there is no need to house them. The shelters can easily be turned into work camps where habitat challenged individuals who volunteer to rebuild our infrastructure will be provided for. And I'd let the private sector take the public housing and farm out the inhabitants to struggling businesses in need of cheap labor. The corporations who run half our nation's prison systems could do this and return a taxable profit. This way, without creating any new federal agency or entitlement we clear up the housing problem and the need for illegal immigrant labor-with no cost to the taxpayer."

"Look, its just like a cat that meows on your porch. The first time you see him he looks wet and cold and hungry so you toss him a few scraps out of kitchen wastebasket. Next thing you know you're spending half your weekend at PetCo and the vet's."

Don Arrup

Satire1

Romney Claims Firing Workers Creates Jobs

Leading Republican Presidential hopeful Mitt Romney explained today how his love of firing people at companies that his corsair capital firm stole created jobs for Chinese and Mexican workers and helped preserve the financial security of the United States.

"Of course we outsourced every possible position at the companies we acquired. It was our duty to our shareholders and America. Without these jobs China wouldn't have the money to lend us and even more Mexicans would come over the border for work. Most of the people we did retain were cleaning staff and I made a point that they must be illegal immigrants who send at least half their wages back to Mexico."

"If more American companies would step up and do the right thing like we did no one would even think of crossing our borders because they would be leaving the very places where my fellow filthy rich are creating employment."

"President Obama continues to labor under the delusion that Americans want to work. He fails to realize that America is the economic and market laboratory for the world. We create new products and services so that other countries can steal them and sell them back to us at a lower price. This way we rich can get richer and the rest of Americans can still afford the products they used to make."

" And if there is anything that the last decade has taught us it is that the American dream is still alive. Any American, despite their financial situation, can own their own home for a least a couple of months and then get on with their lives. And to all those complainers who come up to me and tell me they can't find a job I tell them my shoes need a shine and I can't get that cheaper on line."

Don Arrup

Satire1

I Owe Ahh...

After a year of Republican Presidential Candidate Debates the people have spoken. The good people of the State of Iowa do not slip into a booth and secretly vote on their choice. The Caucuses are public and the whole idea is to debate and declare. Satire1 interviewed some of the more interesting participants on their views of the process and the candidates.

Farmer Joe (no relation to Joe the Plumber)

"Jesus Christ died on the cross to cut taxes and protect corn subsides and now this Obama fella is threatening to take religion out of farm policy. I'll vote for any white guy who can lick him."

Babs

"Obama's not even an American. He's from Hawaii. The birth certificate says."

Bud

"The Mormon looks like he spends half his waking day in front of the mirror and the other half in front of the camera. And Gingrich's pants don't fit. I'd vote for Ron Paul but he looks too much like my barber. I'm doing Michelle."

Buddy

"I thought they had beer at this thing."

Bo

"The big cities like New York and Des Moine with their big media think they own the country but today real Americans had a voice. I don't like any of them in either party. They're all politicians. They promise you they'll do everything and then they don't do it and when they do do it its even worse."

Bob

"I fought for this country and freedom and corn and I saw up close the terrorists who were trying to take our corn from us. Somebody has to break the gridlock in Washington or the automatic cuts will kick in and the Pentagon will not have enough funds to protect both our freedoms and our corn."

Bobbie

"Obama is trying to make us all marry gay people and that would be fine with me if everybody looked like Sarah Palin or George Clooney but that ain't the case."

Baby

"I voted for Rick Sanitarium. He has everything I look for in a Republican. He ain't Mitt Romney."

Don Arrup

Satire1

Super Committee Makes Bold Move

The Joint Select Committee on Deficit Reduction or Super Committee which failed to find a compromise to save the United States from becoming Big Greece set up tents and card tables in Zucotti Park just above Wall Street in an attempt to force the Occupy Wall Street Protesters to come up with some specific demands. The lawmakers who had been appointed by their party leaders expressed frustration and outrage that the mass of recent college graduates and warmed over 60's radicals haven't shown the leadership and direction the country so desperately needs to survive the Great Recession.

"The OWS is in danger of making themselves irrelevent by not offering proposals on how to fix the nation's long term fiscal health." said one Senator who chose annominity to avoid offending lobbyists. "We members of Congress are too enslaved by endless campaigning and special interests while the protesters have the advantages of unemployment and homelessness to enjoy all the freedoms that only America can provide. It is time they grow up and point the way."

"I think the Occupiers are showing a shameless self indulgence and immaturity by refusing to compromise on their dogmas enough to keep the country going," said one Congresswoman terrified of her constituents. "If we can't get leadership from a throng of sex and drug crazed malcontents then we will be forced to turn back to Washington."

"Mayor Bloomberg can not evict us as we have Congressional immunity," said one of the Committee Chairpersons wearing a paper bag over his head. "We are being joined by Ambassadors from other dead beat nations coming over from the UN to demand that the OWS roll up its sleeves and submit something we can vote against,"

Don Arrup

Satire1