Health Care Debate Caused National Bullet Shortage
Unload your Constitutional Rights into your neighbor’s car. Rumors of Death Panels roaming the Midwest.
SUVS Protected By The Second Amendment
They kill more people than guns.
Sex Responsible For Overpopulation
Childless couples and singles celebrated the world over “I was careful and lucky and today I’m free” Day with masturbation and ice cream.
Marie Antoinette Gave Head
Is that what that huge wig was all about?
God No Longer Wants To Be Called Lord
Wants to be called “G” now.
Israelis To Be Called Palestinians Since They Live In Palestine
Diabetes Is The New AIDS
Obese is the new sexy.
James Cagney Put Something In His Hair
Record High Unemployment Among Six-Year-Olds
Experts blame aging Rock stars trying to stay relevant.
Sweatshops To Install Fans
Popeye Put Something In His Pipe
Asthma Linked To Breathing
Second Hand Cell Phone The New Smoke
Women Look Good
Obama Put Something In His Hair And Now He Doesn’t
Emmys Are A Commercial
Television makes itself an advertisement for television.
Monica Lewinsky Put Something In Her Mouth
Beer Tastes Good
Don Arrup
Satire1
Friday, September 25, 2009
Wednesday, September 16, 2009
Smoking Banned In Public Imagination
Nico Nazis of the NYC Dept. of Health have proposed banning smoking in public parks, beaches and imagination. A spokesperson for the agency suggested that the Sun was allergic to cigarette smoke and has brought the record rainfall of the summer in order to combat the second hand smoke of those relaxing in the parks and beaches. The spokesperson said that along with seeking the ban in open-air public spaces that they would seek a ban on smoking in the public imagination. This would include banning any movie or book that portrays smoking or characters who smoke. Casablanca, The Magnificent Seven and Star Wars would be among the casualties.
Nora Coffy, chairwoman of the Committee to Castrate All Smokers, praised the proposals. “My thirty-sixth floor apartment overlooks Riverside Park and I can’t open the windows to smell the Henry Hudson Parkway in spring because there is always some smoker violating a public bench with their murderous addiction. Sometimes it’s a cigar smoker!”
Don Arrup
Satire1
Nora Coffy, chairwoman of the Committee to Castrate All Smokers, praised the proposals. “My thirty-sixth floor apartment overlooks Riverside Park and I can’t open the windows to smell the Henry Hudson Parkway in spring because there is always some smoker violating a public bench with their murderous addiction. Sometimes it’s a cigar smoker!”
Don Arrup
Satire1
Saturday, September 12, 2009
The Uncivil War
So once again South Carolina fired its volley at the Federal summit provoking uncivil war in a time of conflict. A white man insulting a black man in public is nothing new of course only this time the black man was the President of the United States addressing the nation. A perfunctory apology was strong-armed out of accuser by his party’s leadership. The President’s enemies mailed him checks.
The last time South Carolina protested a President it was Abraham Lincoln, the first Republican to hold that office, and the protest was cannon balls and rockets fired on Fort Sumter. The rebels won the day and lost the war. Some, obviously, never got over it.
Was the accusation correct? Was the President lying when he said that the Health Care Reform he was advocating would not cover illegal immigrants? In New York City where Satire1 resides most hospitals and clinics do not ask about a patient’s resident status. Whose fault is that? The Republicans did nothing to reform immigration when they were in power so the mess spills over into Health Care and Education issues. Congress could empower the President to cut off all federal health care dollars to states that don’t comply with the small print of whatever bill passes but South Carolina might see that as an intrusion on state’s rights.
I agree that the President pronouncing that illegal immigrants will not be covered strains credulity in practice. Some clinics and hospitals will probably find a way to cover abortion as well with the reform but is it a lie of the magnitude that the enemies of reform have spread? Death panels? Canadian socialism?
One politician calling another politician a liar is like a ram calling a bull horny.
Don Arrup
Satire1
The last time South Carolina protested a President it was Abraham Lincoln, the first Republican to hold that office, and the protest was cannon balls and rockets fired on Fort Sumter. The rebels won the day and lost the war. Some, obviously, never got over it.
Was the accusation correct? Was the President lying when he said that the Health Care Reform he was advocating would not cover illegal immigrants? In New York City where Satire1 resides most hospitals and clinics do not ask about a patient’s resident status. Whose fault is that? The Republicans did nothing to reform immigration when they were in power so the mess spills over into Health Care and Education issues. Congress could empower the President to cut off all federal health care dollars to states that don’t comply with the small print of whatever bill passes but South Carolina might see that as an intrusion on state’s rights.
I agree that the President pronouncing that illegal immigrants will not be covered strains credulity in practice. Some clinics and hospitals will probably find a way to cover abortion as well with the reform but is it a lie of the magnitude that the enemies of reform have spread? Death panels? Canadian socialism?
One politician calling another politician a liar is like a ram calling a bull horny.
Don Arrup
Satire1
Saturday, September 5, 2009
Labor Day Rag
We don’t call it Workers’ Day because that sounds communist. We do recognize that many of us keep the world livable in dirty, often-dangerous underpaid jobs that are just as important as any other real job. If Presidents, moms, dads, groundhogs, veterans, secretaries and trees have their day so should those who feed, clean, sew, repair, build and dispose.
Except for President’s Day there is no Boss’s Day. You might say every workday is Boss’s Day unless you have been one. Its not Employees Day but if you’re unemployed its not your day- you don’t get a day off or to celebrate or be celebrated and you damn well know it.
We have these holidays and we usually forget what most of them mean or chose not to think about it. Memorial Day is back to the beach weekend rather than a remembrance of the price paid and being paid for our freedom. Labor Day is the last chance to go to the beach weekend.
Satire1 again chooses to suspend its wit this post in honor of those who do not receive bonuses when they screw up the entire world; grab international attention when they get drunk and forget their panties; gain viewers and listeners by playing to our basest instincts; sell books by sleeping with thieves and charlatans; and all other exploitive parasitic elements who take too much of this nation’s bounty.
To those of you who labor hard for little money and keep our world operating I thank you. We could not live without you.
Don Arrup
Satire1
Except for President’s Day there is no Boss’s Day. You might say every workday is Boss’s Day unless you have been one. Its not Employees Day but if you’re unemployed its not your day- you don’t get a day off or to celebrate or be celebrated and you damn well know it.
We have these holidays and we usually forget what most of them mean or chose not to think about it. Memorial Day is back to the beach weekend rather than a remembrance of the price paid and being paid for our freedom. Labor Day is the last chance to go to the beach weekend.
Satire1 again chooses to suspend its wit this post in honor of those who do not receive bonuses when they screw up the entire world; grab international attention when they get drunk and forget their panties; gain viewers and listeners by playing to our basest instincts; sell books by sleeping with thieves and charlatans; and all other exploitive parasitic elements who take too much of this nation’s bounty.
To those of you who labor hard for little money and keep our world operating I thank you. We could not live without you.
Don Arrup
Satire1
Friday, August 28, 2009
Ted
Your father bootlegged because he believed in booze, money and power. But he also believed that you help your own with those treasures accumulated. Growing up on the loss of your siblings to war, lobotomy, plan crash and assassinations your idea of your own expanded. Maybe it was the girl left in the drink. I don’t know. You were the go to man for the liberals for three decades. Like your rival Ron we always knew where you stood but trusted you would get a deal. Even your opponents in the Senate loved you. Perhaps it was because you listened. Perhaps it was because you had learned what it really is to be an American.
Don Arrup
Satire1
Don Arrup
Satire1
Friday, August 21, 2009
Health Care Reform-Hitler or Stalin
Radio Tyrants, Death Panels, Socialism National and Communist.
We have to cut down costs or the current growth of insurance companies profits will be unsustainable. . Don’t have to worry about the drug companies. A handshake behind closed doors. What are we fighting about? It’s over.
Public option? We have that now. Just wait a minute and two more families qualify for Medicaid.
Hey, we’re fat and broke and diabetic. Time to do nothing.
They’re fighting like kids in a schoolyard. Everybody wants change. Everybody promises change but you don’t have to change if you like your coverage. What would you rather have- higher taxes or higher premiums? You’ll get both, I promise you.
It will bankrupt the country. It’s bankrupting the country right now.
Its revenue neutral- like World War Two. How long do you have to stand and shit on this Earth before you realize that everything everything everything takes four times as long, terrifies at least half those involved, conjures setbacks, obstacles, tornadoes, typhoons, scandals, prosecutions and will cost at least ten times as much as the guys who couldn’t get laid in college and now are middle aged assure. Assure, you know, that’s the name of the best selling adult diaper. Or is that Depends?
The Republicans piss off and the Democrats shit pants. Your tax dollars at work.
Don Arrup
Satire1
We have to cut down costs or the current growth of insurance companies profits will be unsustainable. . Don’t have to worry about the drug companies. A handshake behind closed doors. What are we fighting about? It’s over.
Public option? We have that now. Just wait a minute and two more families qualify for Medicaid.
Hey, we’re fat and broke and diabetic. Time to do nothing.
They’re fighting like kids in a schoolyard. Everybody wants change. Everybody promises change but you don’t have to change if you like your coverage. What would you rather have- higher taxes or higher premiums? You’ll get both, I promise you.
It will bankrupt the country. It’s bankrupting the country right now.
Its revenue neutral- like World War Two. How long do you have to stand and shit on this Earth before you realize that everything everything everything takes four times as long, terrifies at least half those involved, conjures setbacks, obstacles, tornadoes, typhoons, scandals, prosecutions and will cost at least ten times as much as the guys who couldn’t get laid in college and now are middle aged assure. Assure, you know, that’s the name of the best selling adult diaper. Or is that Depends?
The Republicans piss off and the Democrats shit pants. Your tax dollars at work.
Don Arrup
Satire1
Thursday, August 13, 2009
Obama Offers Palin Seat On Death Panel
In a bi-partisan gesture President Obama publicly offered former Alaskan Governor and Republican Vice Presidential candidate Sarah Rah Rah Palin a seat on the proposed death panel- the headstone of his Health Care Reform plan.
“If Governor Palin is afraid we’ll throw her baby in the gas chamber to reduce health care costs I as a parent can understand that. There have been many nights when the First Lady and I stayed up till dawn trying to figure out just what exactly we would do if the government came and took our daughters. We know the insurance company will murder them if either of them develops an expensive condition. But that’s all of us.”
“If Governor Palin feels that she will have no say in the fate of her baby then I am extending a seat on the Death Panel where her vote will have equal weight with the other fifteen panel members of her region.”
“Though not all the details of these panels has been ironed out between the 846 different Health Care Reform bills under consideration it is my understanding that most of them seek to model the historically successful Star Chamber of the Grand Inquisition and the Final Solution Committee of the Third Reich’s SS.”
“And they will be uniquely American Death Panels reflecting our community values of fairness and compassion. There will be no consideration given to the victim’s race, religion or gender. Only the viability of treatment and whether the victim is someone most of us would like to sleep with will be considered. The poor and disadvantaged will get an immediate pass to gas chambers through Medicaid with the federal government footing the cremation as well. I think that’s only fair.”
Don Arrup
Satire1
“If Governor Palin is afraid we’ll throw her baby in the gas chamber to reduce health care costs I as a parent can understand that. There have been many nights when the First Lady and I stayed up till dawn trying to figure out just what exactly we would do if the government came and took our daughters. We know the insurance company will murder them if either of them develops an expensive condition. But that’s all of us.”
“If Governor Palin feels that she will have no say in the fate of her baby then I am extending a seat on the Death Panel where her vote will have equal weight with the other fifteen panel members of her region.”
“Though not all the details of these panels has been ironed out between the 846 different Health Care Reform bills under consideration it is my understanding that most of them seek to model the historically successful Star Chamber of the Grand Inquisition and the Final Solution Committee of the Third Reich’s SS.”
“And they will be uniquely American Death Panels reflecting our community values of fairness and compassion. There will be no consideration given to the victim’s race, religion or gender. Only the viability of treatment and whether the victim is someone most of us would like to sleep with will be considered. The poor and disadvantaged will get an immediate pass to gas chambers through Medicaid with the federal government footing the cremation as well. I think that’s only fair.”
Don Arrup
Satire1
Thursday, August 6, 2009
Summer Brave
Occasion to beach. Overcast. Forecast unfavorable.
Sand flesh water.
The waves kept pulling my pants down.
I kept tugging them up.
Pockets full of water.
Sun. Sun block. Sun burn.
Clouds win.
Hard breeze or soft wind.
The new real world we lived in began with my birth.
Everything before my birth is Old Testament.
Of course, now a new real world is crashing down on us.
Somebody else must have been born and I can barely keep my pants up.
I don’t blame them for the sea. Well, I’ve never actually seen the sea. Just the ocean. I think you have to be at sea with nothing but water around you to see the sea. I don’t blame them.
Everything wrong with the world up to 2007 is my fault.
I’m not solely to blame for 2008 and 2009 is well, we’ll see.
And despite the endless rain here and the endless drought opposite it is still summer. Here and there. Moments really.
It’s a lousy summer. But it isn’t over yet. Amen.
Don Arrup
Satire1
Sand flesh water.
The waves kept pulling my pants down.
I kept tugging them up.
Pockets full of water.
Sun. Sun block. Sun burn.
Clouds win.
Hard breeze or soft wind.
The new real world we lived in began with my birth.
Everything before my birth is Old Testament.
Of course, now a new real world is crashing down on us.
Somebody else must have been born and I can barely keep my pants up.
I don’t blame them for the sea. Well, I’ve never actually seen the sea. Just the ocean. I think you have to be at sea with nothing but water around you to see the sea. I don’t blame them.
Everything wrong with the world up to 2007 is my fault.
I’m not solely to blame for 2008 and 2009 is well, we’ll see.
And despite the endless rain here and the endless drought opposite it is still summer. Here and there. Moments really.
It’s a lousy summer. But it isn’t over yet. Amen.
Don Arrup
Satire1
Friday, July 31, 2009
Obama Invites God and Devil To A Beer
President Obama having commented on recent altercation between the God of Light and the Prince of Darkness has apologized and asked Jehovah and Lucifer to come by the White House for a beer.
“I spoke without knowing all the facts. I’ve read the Bible and Milton but those are human accounts of a conflict older than McDonald’s. Now if God remains in heaven and the Devil continues to dwell in Hell I just don’t see any opportunity for progress. If the two great universal forces can’t be brought together in the same room I’m afraid that we the people will continue to suffer, age, rage and chose inappropriate footwear.”
“A guy calls up his health insurance company and tells the agent or the guy in India who answers the phone that their doctors have told him he’s dying and he immediately needs food, air, water, clothing and shelter or he’s going to die soon. He went to specialist after specialist hoping he would find another diagnosis but to no avail. Plagued with these relentless needs and just a breath or heartbeat away from death-as we all are- he pleaded with his health insurance company to save him. The person who only has a first name now holds the caller’s fate in his hands tells the insured that dying is exempt from coverage due to a pre-existing condition called birth. The company is compelled, even by state and federal law, to only accept people who were born and who can even recall the date of their birth. And since we begin dying from the moment we are born birth is a pre-condition to dying.”
“Now the dying caller wasn’t about to try to deny he was born. In all honesty he did fill in a date. A day he could not recall anything about. Not even sure he was even alive. The insurance company is acting within the law and has every right to deny the caller these prescriptions which he so desperately needs in order to survive.”
“Now you may to asking yourself what this has to do with inviting God and the Devil over for a beer and isn’t even this theological beer summit something Hilary should be handling as Secretary of Pants. I appreciate your confusion and if I had any idea whatsoever how they are linked except by our wider financial crisis I would explain it to you to the best of my ability.”
“We, the people of the United States and of the entire world, are stuck with this condition called Death because a Jewish couple from what I’ve read failed to obey God about this tree which started all the trouble in the Middle East which continues to this day. This is why we have to address Health Care, International Relations, Green Infrastructure, God, the Devil now in order to create an economy that will serve the needs of the born.”
Don Arrup
Satire1
“I spoke without knowing all the facts. I’ve read the Bible and Milton but those are human accounts of a conflict older than McDonald’s. Now if God remains in heaven and the Devil continues to dwell in Hell I just don’t see any opportunity for progress. If the two great universal forces can’t be brought together in the same room I’m afraid that we the people will continue to suffer, age, rage and chose inappropriate footwear.”
“A guy calls up his health insurance company and tells the agent or the guy in India who answers the phone that their doctors have told him he’s dying and he immediately needs food, air, water, clothing and shelter or he’s going to die soon. He went to specialist after specialist hoping he would find another diagnosis but to no avail. Plagued with these relentless needs and just a breath or heartbeat away from death-as we all are- he pleaded with his health insurance company to save him. The person who only has a first name now holds the caller’s fate in his hands tells the insured that dying is exempt from coverage due to a pre-existing condition called birth. The company is compelled, even by state and federal law, to only accept people who were born and who can even recall the date of their birth. And since we begin dying from the moment we are born birth is a pre-condition to dying.”
“Now the dying caller wasn’t about to try to deny he was born. In all honesty he did fill in a date. A day he could not recall anything about. Not even sure he was even alive. The insurance company is acting within the law and has every right to deny the caller these prescriptions which he so desperately needs in order to survive.”
“Now you may to asking yourself what this has to do with inviting God and the Devil over for a beer and isn’t even this theological beer summit something Hilary should be handling as Secretary of Pants. I appreciate your confusion and if I had any idea whatsoever how they are linked except by our wider financial crisis I would explain it to you to the best of my ability.”
“We, the people of the United States and of the entire world, are stuck with this condition called Death because a Jewish couple from what I’ve read failed to obey God about this tree which started all the trouble in the Middle East which continues to this day. This is why we have to address Health Care, International Relations, Green Infrastructure, God, the Devil now in order to create an economy that will serve the needs of the born.”
Don Arrup
Satire1
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