Senators John McCain and Barack Obama have both declared their opposition to heterosexual marriage and have similar plans to end the socio-economic institution before the end of their first terms.
“All this talk about outlawing gay marriage and changing the Constitution is a subterfuge and conspiracy of the restaurant and florist lobbies,” said McCain. “They want a amendment to the Constitution to protect marriage because marriage is unconstitutional and totally foreign to the principals this country was founded on.” McCain told reporters that God, Jesus Christ and Grover Cleveland never married while everyone in the Bible or who had signed the Declaration of Independence who did marry died. “This institution is an unchristian cancer brought over by the basest elements from the Old World along with slavery and taxes to infect and subjugate a free people. We must not allow the American people to sacrifice their God given freedom to maintain the premise of sitcoms.”
Obama concurred at a separate press conference later that day. “This is another area, along with the sellout, where Senator McCain and I are in complete agreement. I taught Constitutional Law and I can assure you that nowhere in that precious document will you find the authority of the Federal government or the States to grant one citizen genital monopolization over another. And I think it’s vital for the American people to understand that it doesn’t matter if it’s mutual and reciprocal. It’s a sexual suicide pact coerced upon people in the most vulnerable psychological state of their adult lives. I’m referring to the hormonal rage known as infatuation.”
“People don’t rise into love. They fall into it,” McCain said. “Like they fall into debt or addiction. There is no being sort of in love or kind of maybe. That’s just the confusion that follows the wild, all consuming rage of those first few years of uncontrolled copulation. Listen to the songs. I knew Johnny Cash and I am telling you he was not lying. If you could have seen him, as I have, sing Ring of Fire, live. I was there and I saw what everyone who was there saw. Johnny went down down down and the flames got higher. And let me tell you my friends it burns burns burns that ring of fire. He was talking about love. The dangerous madness of love that can lead to marriage and he was married to June Carter, a country western star of her own right who was as built as her hair. I never forgot it.”
“Adam and Eve were not married,” said Obama, “and Eve had never even seen a wedding gown magazine. They were exclusive because there wasn’t anyone else around. They did the tour of Paradise. Everything looked great the first time. But soon they’d seen it all and there was nothing else to do but talk to a snake about a fruit they weren’t supposed to eat. They had seen what all the other animals were doing. The animals weren’t married. They were just relaxed. They didn’t need some taboo food to get on down. The forbidden fruit was marriage. The snake was Satan and Satan is married. God isn’t married. If there was a Mrs. God don’t you think she’d let us know?”
“I’m married. It’s right in my book, Something of my Fathers,” McCain said. “I married twice and the only reason my sanity survived is the five years I spent as a prisoner of war. Being a prisoner of war taught me how to survive being a prisoner of love. And men usually have the better part of the deal. I know I do. Cindy is almost possible. Now, Senator Obama and I have a lot of areas of disagreement but with the current crisis in interpersonal relationships on the edge of bringing down every household in the country its time to put aside partisanship and do what is necessary for the good of the country and outlaw marriage.”
“But what about the kids? Who’s going to take care of the kids?” Obama asked the crowd. “The same ones’ who are taking care of them right now is my answer. Nobody. Nobody is taking care of the kids after they’re two years old. No one ever did. We feed them and provide for them and if we pay constant attention to them we might slow them down a bit but there is no controlling them. Why? They’re not married. They’re still free. And most of all, and this is very important, they don’t have kids. Kids don’t have kids that’s why they can be kids.”
“I am not trying to shame you. I’m married. My parents were married. That is not what this is about,” said McCain. “All the studies have shown that once marriage infects a family it perpetuates itself for generations. Your parents weren’t bad people because they were married. I honor my parents and do not blame them for what they did or what happened to me. Twice. It’s the whole system. Marriage has corrupted every institution in this country and perverted our biology. Our churches pay their heating bills with the services. Its part of the clergy and organists’ income. Florists, caterers, tailors, printers, bartenders, photographers, hairdressers, waiters, bakers, limousine drivers, department stores and that’s just for the ceremony! This money could be better spent fixing our vital infrastructure and creating energy independence. Smoke fish not cigarettes. The Japanese live longer because they have lower corporate taxes.”
“This is the change I’ve been talking about,” said Obama. “Fiddling with the tax code or getting one more doctor to stick god knows what god knows where in you after you been waiting on an examination table in a smock for two hours is not the change we need. That’s just more of the same. The change I’m talking about and Senator McCain is talking about is breaking the last chain of slavery we as a society have allowed to bind us.”
“You won’t have to get a divorce, I promise you,” McCain continued. “No one will ever again have to get a divorce because we will simply abolish marriage and banish it from our shores. The marriage lawyers with their prenups and divorce lawyers and all these gothic courts we’ve set up will dissolve. They will have to leach off of someone else’s misery. And I know what you’re thinking. If we think we have an immigration problem now wait till the billions of husbands and wives start heading to our shores seeking asylum from their vows. Well, I’m going to be honest with you. It’s going to be a real problem especially if they come from countries that don’t recognize divorce. All it takes is one liberal judge to offer asylum to one abused wife or pussy whipped husband and the floodgates open. We have to make sure that doesn’t happen. We have to write it right into the legislation that we will use our influence and our foreign policy to end the plague of matrimony in all nations but this country cannot save the entire world from itself. The burden will fall heaviest on young people just like it does in war. They will have to say no to their families, their clergy and their leaders by saying no to each other. We can’t save people from themselves. We can’t save nations from themselves. But we can save ourselves and our neighbors.”
“I see the Statue of Liberty,” said Obama, “holding up a sign. An international sign with two stick figures joined surrounded by a red circle with a line crossing diagonally through the couple. Ladies and gentlemen, that could be a reality if we all just split up and go our individual ways. It really is that easy if we all work separately as a nation. Something we’ve become very good at in the last forty years. So tell your children, your parents, your spouse and most importantly tell yourself, just say no to marriage.”
Don Arrup
Satire1
skip to main |
skip to sidebar
Social and Political musings of the Mad Playwright of 95th Street.
