Candidates Each Pledge $20 To Help Banks

The candidates were cornered together at a hot dog stand outside the Belmont University’s debating hall and finally admitted to Satire1 how bad the financial crisis really is. “The sh*t has hit the fan and the fan is blowing it at other fans,” said Obama. While McCain wasn’t nearly as optimistic, “The sh*t has hit the fan and the fan is blowing it into jet engines.”

The McCain campaign has hit the crisis running with proposals to fix the country’s fiscal crisis.
First, in order to stop sending billions overseas to China and Saudi Arabia McCain proposes drilling tunnels to both countries so we can simply pour our hard earned bucks to the communists and terrorists. “Its more efficient and the taxpayers can visit the money holes with their children to show them where their future is going.”
Second, McCain believes government acquired houses should be auctioned on EBay so the same wolves we’ve bailed out don’t grab up peoples’ dreams at a bargain basement prices. “I’ll see to it that the American people don’t end up like the three little pigs this time.”
Third, McCain is drafting legislation to bust up Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac who he claimed in the debates spearheaded the sub-prime loan crisis. “I don’t even think they’re married.”

Obama, in response, acknowledges the economic situation has changed and pledges that if elected he will curtail Washington from going out to dinner as often. “And that includes a ban on take out for every government agency. All that business going to Chinese restaurants is adding to the trade imbalance. Pizza isn’t on the table as yet since we are trying to coordinate the rescue with the European Union but when it gets here I have first slice.”

The candidates are already arguing over where to waste the next 700 billion as both the war in Iraq and the Bailout/rescue just aren’t sexy anymore. McCain believes the billions would best be wasted on a war with Iran while Obama wants to rebuild New Orleans in the middle of the gulf. “We’re never going to be able to beat nature down there so I propose rebuilding the city as a series of arks much like Noah built. If a hurricane comes we’ll have the Navy on standby to tug the town to safer waters.”

Governor Palin criticized Obama’s plan on the stump, “I am offended that a Muslim homegrown community organizer is stealing ideas from our God.” Palin said that she was tempted as a governor to visit New Orleans after Katrina but feared the area couldn’t withstand another bitch. “This is what can happen to a city that embraces jazz in the midst of so much wonderful country western music.”

Senator Biden declined comment on Obama’s ark plan saying he had never actually seen Streetcar Named Desire but liked Marlon Brando in his other roles. “I don’t think the American people have anything to fear. With a democratic majority in both houses and the White House we’ll find someplace to waste the money.”

Don Arrup
Satire1