Primary Of Horrors

A Halloween Treat From Satire1's Pre Blog Email List


Friday, March 9 2008

Last Monday Samantha Powers, a Harvard professor advising Barack Obama, told the Scotsman newspaper that Hillary Clinton was a "monster." Though the assessment came as no surprise we are disappointed that Ms. Powers declined to identify just what type of monster Mrs. Clinton is. Fortunately, Satire1 obtained an interview with Toaz Peetrie, professor of Gothic Biology at John Hopkins University and the world's leading expert on the genetics of supernatural species. We asked professor Peetrie to identify not only Hillary Clinton but also all of the recent candidates for the presidency. The following is his assessment verbatim.

Obama is the twenty-first century incarnation of Dracula or, rather, Blackula, feeding off the drippings of bleeding heart liberals. He is suave, exotic, international and hypnotic and have you checked out the widow's peak on his wife? Clinton had him dead to rights in the polls less than four months ago but since she didn't drive one through his heart all she can hope to do now is trick him out into the sunlight.

McCain is definitely the Mummy. The Vietnamese probably used black Taoist techniques and embalming methods to turn him into some sort of Hanoian candidate during his five-year imprisonment. Even Rush Limbaugh couldn't kill him. This is not a human conservative we're talking about. If elected, McCain will certainly last over a hundred years and probably still be president. He might even attempt to untangle us from Iraq at that time if that's what the Vietnamese want.

Romney is a shape shifter, a technique the Mormons might have secretly learned from Navajo Skinwalkers. Liberal yesterday, moderate today, promising to be a conservative after elected, this power should have made Romney all things to all people but he ended up being nothing to nobody.

Huckabee is the latest variation of the Frankenstein monster. When the social conservatives saw the Republican field they quickly dug up the remains of Ronald Reagan and Jerry Falwell to piece together the best governor they could. They would have been successful too had William F. Buckley not lived so long. They really could have used his brain.

And Hillary? Hillary was the toughest call and I consulted with other experts from around the world. At first the hair suggested werewolf but closer inspection concluded that she is the Sphinx. It was just so hard to tell with the pantsuits.



Don Arrup
Satire1