Achilles Wasn't Married

Physicians, trainers, coaches and massage therapists have been reporting an alarming rise in calf muscle injuries since the Supreme Court cleared the way for Same Sex Marriage in June. Lines running out the door and sometimes down the block of Sports Injuries Clinics and emergency rooms with patients standing on one leg or on canes or crutches as lower limb trauma becomes epidemic across the lower forty eight states.

The calf muscles consist of the bi-headed, heart shaped Gastrocnemius and the pancake underlying Soleus muscle. The sexy and more visible Gastrocnemius makes for the "great gams" while the slow twitch fibered Soleus actually functions as a second heart by pumping blood back up to the heart from the lower extremity.

Both muscles are bound in fascia that knots into the Achilles tendon known since Homeric times as "the gay tendon" since it is named after the hero whose nympho mother Thetis dipped into the river Styx by the heel making him invulnerable to personal criticism and bad hair days but leaving him totally neurotic about his thick ankles. Achilles and his fellow Myrmidonean warrior Patroclus had a thing that scholars still talk about to this day.

Evangelical anatomists have been warning for years that every step in the acceptance of homosexuality will further cripple the lower limbs of our obese, barely ambulatory society. 

Class action suits are being compiled by law firms from coast to coast against Elton John and Ellen Degeneres since both their first names begin with the letter E. The suits claim damages ranging from pain and suffering to loss of employment to I just want to sue gay people who make more money than me. 

Satire1 interviewed a variety of experts in law, gayness, anatomy, classical studies and people whose legs hurt. A sample of anonymous quotes follows:

"This is a Christian nation and I'm sick and injured of being ruled by gay people and their Greek gods."

"My wife and I are getting a divorce after 42 years because we're tired of everyone treating us like we're gay just because we're married."

"If anymore states recognize gay marriage I'm going to be in a wheelchair."

"The fact that record heat has cooked the nation and the calf muscles are both the hardest working and furthest from the heart leads me to think that even very mild dehydration could lead to severe muscle pulls in the lower body but that's just what these gay radicals want you to think."

Don Arrup

Satire1