Well Blow Me Up

A deliberate corruption of an oft repeated phrase of Sailor Man Popeye, “Well blow me down.” Why the maniacs at Macy’s used his demise to buffoon him and balloon him and march his inflated image down Fifth Avenue on our day of giving thanks was never explained. It was as though Macy’s was singing “Ding Dong the sailor’s dead.”

Popeye gave no quarter to balloons. 

Canned spinach magically amassed muscle on Popeye’s right bicep causing its battlecruiser tattoo to fire a booming broadside over a tinny rendition of Yankee Doodle.  Any other bulges both sacred and profane remain undocumented.

Macy’s better hope Popeye doesn’t have a ghost. I’m not sure if even real people can haunt after death. Hard to say for cartoons. And I don’t want to hear Casper. He and his whole crowd are just a bunch of sheets. 

This is not a Halloween satire. This is a Thanksgiving satire. Halloween sucked this year. And saying better than last year is comparing dog shit to cat. Even last year was better than last year. Thanksgiving was simply insane. Christmas? Don’t even ask.

People of the Hebrew faith have rushed into Hanukkah already and don’t even try to blame the Lunar Calendar. They just want the holidays over with and who can blame them?

We survived Black Death Friday and now even Covid Cyber Monday. Many if not most of us will not see the new year because there isn’t even going to be one. This year is not 2021. It’s 2019 III. And when December runs out it’s going to be 2019 IV. 

Or not. You decide.

Don Arrup

Satire1

Scream Fest 2021

MSNBC Horrorween Lineup

Satan’s Sinema

Donald 

Dawn of the Delta

Sixth of January II

The Lie That Wouldn’t Die

The Price of Gas

Fox News Nevermore 

Mask Mandate

Who’s Q?

Don’t Stick Me

Pelosigeist 

Huckleberry Finn

Primaried

Don Arrup

Satire1

History Lessons

Satire1 in our ever vigilant pursuit of offering a clear picture of the nation, world and universe we live in has taken to the streets of Superior, Colorado to survey the knowledge of ordinary citizens about the history of their country and structure of their government. 

Who was the first president of the United States?

Jesus Christ                   22%

King George III            12%

Donald Trump              11%

Elvis Priestly                  6%

Madonna                        5%

George Washington        4%

Alfred E. Newman         1%

In what building was the Declaration of Independence signed?

McDonald’s HQ             18%

NY Stock Exchange       17%

Madison Sq Garden        12%

Trump Tower                  11%

Shake Shack                     8%

Independence Hall           6%

In what building does the US Congress do its business?

McCluskie’s Bar             22%

Potomac Motor Inn         21%

The Capitol                     19%

Trump International        11%

Who attacked the United States on December 6, 1941?

Zombies                          34%

Martians                          12%

Mexicans                         11%

British                               8%

Japanese                            4%

Canadians                          4%

Where did they attack us on that day?

Times Square                  16%

Hollywood                      15%

Mar-a-Lago                     11%

Pete’s Cycle Shop             8%

Hackensack NJ                 6%

Who was the president at that time?

Winston Churchill           22%

Abe Lincoln                    16%

Adolf Hitler                    15%

Fred Trump                     11%

Popeye Sailerman           10%

FDR                                  8%

GI Joe                               5%

Don Arrup

Satire1

Me F Os

See? I told you the earthlings have flying machines that can spot us. Birds don't have US Navy on their wings.

 Don Arrup                                                                                                           Satire1

Your Life On Covid Vaccine

 

Since the FDA hasn't given full clearance to the Covid vaccines millions of Americans remain wary of the shots. Satire1 in service to the public here shares some of the lesser publicized side effects of the big three.

COVID VACCINE SHOULD NEVER BE ADMINISTERED BY BITE

(I thought it was the nurses who wore the capes)

COVID VACCINES COULD AFFECT YOUR HAIRDO

(Just call her "Duchess")

COVID VACCINES COULD AFFECT YOUR MOTHER

(And this was on Mother's Day)

COVID VACCINES COULD AFFECT YOUR MANHOOD

(She's describing yours)

COVID VACCINES COULD AFFECT YOUR SELF IMAGE

(He's not staring at you)

So take your best shot!

Don Arrup

Satire1

Sum(mer/more) Headlines

 

Goldman Sachs space lasers to charcoal remains of West Coast by August

CDC admits mask mandate was to cover up ugly people

Illegal Aliens voted in 2020 elections- most were from Mars and Neptune

Stadiums and arenas to demand proof of deodorant this fall

Meat Substitute Flatulence: the new Covid

Howard Johnson and other dead chains rise to compete in Spicy Chicken Sandwich Wars

July 5th designated by Congress as “Return to Total Dependence Days”

China set to buy Rhode Island

Baltimore Orioles sweep Yankees

Don Arrup

Satire1

If It Ain't Falling Down, Pull It Down

As buildings and bridges collapse throughout the nation and Biden’s super infrastructure bill covers everything from financing urban drug corners as enterprise zones to admitting the Moon into the Union as the fifty first state calls from alarmed citizens and opportunistic politicians for the arrest of all architects is reaching past local and even federal courts.

The solutions to never needing to upgrade or repair structures has been with us all along. In a country run by lawyers why rebuild anything when we can sue and imprison the architects? Satire1 went to the mountain of rubble at what used to be 42cd Street and Broadway in New York City to ask pedestrians both tourists and locals what they want to see happen.

Guy Say Hi

“The Empire State Building was hit by a bomber and lost one elevator group. Open for business next day. This was before architects started balancing glass boxes on their butts.”

Guy Say Bye

“If we built buildings like the Egyptians did nothing would fall down.”

Woman With Hat

“No building need be more than three stories tall. Make elevators illegal for all but the handicapped and too high heeled. Tear down downtowns and take the hat off Manhattan.”

Woman With Cat

“I really can’t see how a sane person can wear pants in a basement. Subsurface spaces are the underwear of any building. The same goes for shirts and blouses while in the attic.”

Him

“Normal eats babies.”

Her

I always always wanted to live in one of the houses I drew when I was a girl. I only drew houses under a big yellow sun. I never drew night houses. I think that’s what the architects have been feeding us. I think they’ve been slipping in night buildings and Moon houses. And now the Sun is going down.”

Her Sister

“The mistake we made- and this was a long time ago- is we let men stay in the house. I guess they’re just wasn’t enough caves and in many parts of the world you can barely scratch out a grave.”   

Who?

“I blame Issac Newton. I’m not saying architects are totally innocent. They use gravity. They are in league with the forces of nature. They designed the hospital you were born in and the sepulture you will be entombed in. To them you’re just a sack of sauerkraut that moves around some while alive. So they build a better mousetrap.”

Who’s Friend

“Think of the first woman to pick up a gutted carcass and think I could put things in here. And then realized caves are hard to decorate.”

Don Arrup

Satire1

June Around 21

Can humans really live to be a hundred and fifty years old or did last year just seem that long?

Did God invent religion because he couldn’t get any real, lasting wars going otherwise?

Does the United States have two major political parties because that’s what we deserve?

Biden. I won’t even mention the hair.

If you’re outside you don’t need a mask if you’re vaccinated. Indoors, if three quarters of your family is at least half vaccinated you still need a mask, six feet distance and a trampoline to have any idea what the CDC is recommending that day.

Summer travel? There’s never been so many places you can’t go.

And even more places you can go but can’t enjoy.

Trump but the hair matters. Blond Elvis.

Remember when kids missing going to school was unimaginable?

Remember when this blog used to be amusing?

Don Arrup

Satire1 

In Memorium

 Satire1 again suspends its wit this post in memory of those individuals and their families whose sacrifice makes this blog and others like it possible. 

Don Arrup

Satire1

Do Republicans Have More Blondes?

The Fifth Super Local, County, City, State, National and Intergalactic Republican Party Convention held once every forty years convened in Mohungus, Tennessee last week to determine the direction and undertow of Republican orthodoxy for the next two score. The convention was to be held in 2020 but was cancelled due to Covid and rigged election hysteria.

The first Order of Concern taken up was: Is the party too white for the evolving  American electorate?

After an hour’s debate it was agreed that people of color universally identify with fellow brunettes no matter what the skin pigmentation. The party was not too white and perhaps not even white enough. The problem was the party was too blonde.   

Trying desperately to avoid a peroxide riot a voice vote decided that the party leadership shouldn’t have more than one blonde- either Liz Cheney or Donald Trump would need to step down. This engendered a much more passionate debate.

Former Republican  presidential candidate Senator Mitt Romney called for Trump to excuse himself as he is more of a strawberry blonde or orange man.  Texas Senator Ted Cruz countered that Representative Cheney was a dirty blonde and therefore a dirty girl and a bad example to young conservative women.

Georgia’s Senator Lindsey Graham protested claiming former/current President Trump is the dirty blonde and House Republican Conference Chair Cheney is the dumb blonde.

Among other topics a formal panel in the Alfonso’s Pizzeria was held to discuss how to portray the Congressional frat party that took place on January 6th. A letter of apology was drafted but not signed to House Speaker Nancy Pelosi about her office being trashed. The blame was assigned to the University of Colorado’s mascot spreading rumors that “every American’s grandmother” had chilled kegs on hand for the visiting public.

The SLCCSNIGRPC does not issue or publish their decisions and only time will tell the true direction of the Grand Old Party.

Don Arrup

Satire1

Ape Morning Blues

Sitting on my living room couch

So glad the television isn’t on

Shiny bastards dragging the whole region

Into my home creaking under its mortgage

Through their bright smiles and blinkless winks

They explain what a wreck our town is

Bam! There it is again

The paper the goddamn paper

Now the whole world’s problems

Are on my doorstep

I struggle to step over around through it

The newsprint stains my eyes and hands

My wife planted pansies beside the steps

To ward off neighbors cleavage

And evil apologizing egg borrowers

Divorcees who need to use her man

For just a wee minute

As if I still last that long

Got my portion right though

How did she know?

What women say over a fence

No man wants to No No No!

Don’t look at me like that

Over my half cooked bacon and runny eggs

Even if we were having waffles 

You couldn’t bring that up

There’s not enough syrup in the world

My red eared boss will be waiting for me

To yell at me through the back of his head

Or in rare good mood brags

How his oldest boy just got in

Alpha Zeta Circle Jerk fraternity

Majoring in hangovers and shit pants

At What’s A Matter U

Dolores a woman actually named Dolores

Chiseled beehive and pancake foundation

Covering acne scars Neil Armstrong 

Might have stepped over  

Perfume the Germans used in trench warfare

More rings, bracelets and baubles 

Than a gypsy thousandaire

The worst part?

After work I go home

The evening paper will be there

Explaining how things got worse

While I was toiling away

The problems that resolve 

Disappear from the headlines

Croak and you get a thumb print obit

The rest is an advertisement 

For the funeral home

The economy must go on

Pat the dirt down

Over your last real estate

Don Arrup

Satire1

2 B or Tuber

 

At the end of February of this limbo, while the country was consumed by vaccine conspiracies, Jewish space lasers and a delayed opening day for major league baseball, toy giant Hasbro took the opportunity to castrate one of America’s most beloved playthings.

The former Mister Potato Head was divorced from both his gender and his spouse as Hasbro decided that rather than continuing selling the mantato and his wife to the public they would ensnare the next generation with a “Potato Family Pack” which consists of two big and one baby sized bods with 42 accessories to be plugged into their accommodating orifices.

After sales dropped eight percent last year, the bros at Has decided that the militantly politically correct toddlers were no longer interested in the narrowly gender defined tuber and took divisive actions to appease their protests. 

Originally introduced to the market in 1952 as a single spud, Mr. Pothead was the first toy to be advertised on television. The original toy did not include a plastic potato body but only the sense organs, facial hair, glasses, shoes and hats not usually offered by super and farmers markets and other purveyors of the vegetable. 

The success of the brand eventually afforded Mr. P Head to marry Mrs. Potato Head which caused some consternation among parents unable to secure spuds of opposite sex. The marriage manufacturally led to Baby Potato Head forcing the Has Bros to provide plastic “potato” bodies.

Conservatives and Evangelical Gas Station Attendants claim Hasbro is inviting two year olds to play god with both America’s favorite starch and the nuclear family model. Mr. and Mrs. PH’s inclusion in the Toy Story film franchise critics claim is proof of their civic sainthood and that this change constitutes a cultural cancellation and theft of childhood memories from millions of Baby Boomers.

A growing chorus of former Mr. and Mrs. Potato Head recipients, now parents, are calling for a boycott of the company they refer to as Had Bro. 

Satire1 in our endless quest to provide the public with the answers they want questioned went to Pawtucket, Rhode Island the home of Hasbro and the Potato Heads to find out just how they are faring with the change.

Satire1

“Mr. and Mrs. Potato-

Potato Heads

Please Sorry we don’t go by we have different designations now

S1

Former Mr. and Mrs. Potato Head.

Former Mrs.

No one looks at this from the potato’s perspective.

Former Mr.

How were we ever supposed to live up to gender designations with absolutely no genitals-

Former Mrs.

-Or breasts-

Former Mr.

Just take a look at this new “family pack”. You see eyes, different noses, hats, ears, shoes with no legs in sight. A potato sitting on a pair of shoes? Where is the action supposed to take place? So Hasbro gave us two more hats. Really, that’s supposed to fix the problem?

Former Mrs.

Mrs. always have it so much harder. I was supposed to be the mother to that little plastic ball and they don’t even have a slit down there for me. You can stick anything anywhere in me except where it counts.

Former Mr.

I didn’t exactly excite parents at first. Especially dads. What? A bunch of plastic shit to stick into my dinner? I like my potatoes baked and topped with butter. Cut into fries or Westerns. Hash browns home fries Sheppard pies. I don’t want a hat on my potatoes. Potatoes already have enough eyes. What, my kid’s supposed to make a pet out of my vegetable? Is this what America has come to?

Mrs.

You had the whole spotlight to yourself. You were the big spud.

Mr.

I was the dud spud. I didn’t even have a body. You remember just being in pieces. Parts. Eyes to see. Ears to hear. Hands on short tubes. Shoes. 

Mrs.

And hats.

Mr. 

And hats. You’re going to call me Mr. then give me something somewhere to Mister me out.

Mrs.

I should be Mrs. Pear Head. At least I’d look like a mother. I look exactly like him except for some eye makeup and lipstick.

Satire1

Well, Barbie and G.I. Joe seem to be happy with their careers and they have never had genitals. 

Mrs.

If I had tits anything like that whore I’d rule the toy box.

Mr.

Half a french fry. Maybe with two tater tots underneath. Something.

Mrs.

People think because we star in popular movies we have all this power. 

Mr.

You’d think we have a dressing room. Nope, scene wrapped and we’re broken down and back in the box.

Mrs.

You know what kids learn playing with us?

Satire1

Now? Diversity and inclusion.

Mr.

No, they learn that being a potato sucks.

Don Arrup

Satire1

My Vac My Tribe

A leaked FBI report identifies the new wildfire of misinformation crossing the dark web and social medias concerning the effects of the different Covid 19 vaccines on the characters of the inoculated. Analysts for Homeland Security fear a new division of the citizenry that will replace race, class, religion, generation and political orientation into the camps of which vaccine an individual took.

People who took the Moderna vaccine now identify as Mods. Those who had Pfizer call themselves Pfizzies, Johnson and Johnson are Jojos while the unvaccinated go by Zombies.

And they don’t like each other.

President Biden’s Vaccination Czar, Dr. Ouchie, says that even the best handled pandemics create conflict and chaos by the time they approach containment. “We don’t expect it to be worse than the Civil War and not quite that long if everyone wears visored helmets and kills each other at a distance of at least six feet.” 

“The important thing is that we make sure all battles are fought outside for the safety of the soldiers,” said Dr. Ouchie. “And no D-Days or Picket’s Charge which are now considered militarily inefficient and known to be super spreaders.”

The federal government is trying desperately to negotiate peace between the conflicting vaccine factions as they are forming but so far none are willing to trust the Zombies. Only the Russian Sputnik V’s (Putins) are willing to talk to them.

The failure of both the Oxford/AstraZeneca (Asszoles) and China’s Sinopharm (Chi-umps) vaccines has left potentially huge power vacuums in Europe and Asia which either the virus or consolidated vactoids could exploit. 

In order to inspire some reasonable dialogue between the camps, Satire1 took to the corner of Deep Hole and Hornblower in the heart of Minnehaha County, South Dakota to extract some reactions from the locals.

Spurs

“Anytime I heard the term ‘half assed’ I always thought of some cow hand only wiping half his south end. Now I know it means one of those darn JoJos passing themselves off as vaccinated after only one shot.”

Sadlecrack 

“He wasn’t a Mod when I married him forty two years ago. Who the hell have I been sleeping with?”

Real Old Timer

“This Pfizzie so claimed grandson I can’t recall says he’s good with Pfizer Bio Heck? When I was in school Pfizer worked for the Kaiser.”

Bison Butt

“Anybody who has seen as much as a Star Trek episode knows vaccines make you sterile. That’s why I only subscribe to Zombie dating sites like Don’t Stick Me.”

Dolly

I doubt anybody saw this coming. It’s breaking up marriages- even the four that work. Even Biden and Harris aren’t talking.”

Pappy

“I hope they open up the saloons and whore houses before they open the churches. I have nothing against praying and singing but goddamn.”

Don Arrup

Satire1   

Congress Fails To Pass Spring

Another Covid wave, children from the forgotten Americas amassed on our doorstep, Asian lives matter too, Xi Je Ping in bed with Putin and the stock of suburban homes with swimming pools depleted Congress can’t agree on what day of the week it is let alone what month of the year.

“We just passed the most bipartisan piece of legislation in years,” said House Speaker Nancy Pelosi. “Twelve genuine red as blood state Republican Representatives voted along with my minions to declare last Saturday, March 20th the Vernal Equinox and first day of spring.”

“Now the sun can come out. Daffodils bloom. Cherry trees blossom. And we can take our spring break to refresh our rhetoric, hold fundraisers, keep the rage up against our opponents, hold more fundraisers and get back here to get as much nothing done as we have in the past twenty years. All we need is for the Senate to sign off on it.”

The United States Senate, the world’s foremost deliberative body, couldn’t pass gas on a diet of broccoli and beans so Satire1 spoke to legislators and their staff on the possibility that the nation will actually experience the warmer seasons this year. 

Senator Eyebrows

“The people don’t want spring. They’re tired of change. Same old merry go round of seasons. It’s all just to sell us more clothes than we need. We can’t legislate ten pounds off your thighs. Grow up or vote for somebody who gives a damn.”

Pencil Mustache 

“It’s always winter somewhere. Who does Pelosi and Schumer think they’re fooling? We had March last year. What did it get us? Covid. So we said okay. We gave March thirty one days and declared April Fools. What did that get us? More Covid. Don’t talk to me about Autumn. It’s only Autumn if your party wins. Otherwise it’s the Fall.”

Wrong Shoes

“I’m with Nancy all the way on this one. We had winter: holidays, snowfalls, the Super Bore, overpriced limp roses and way too much TV. We’ve got to spring out of this funk. It’s too deep to crawl out of. Forget spring. Declare this season Catapult.”

Not That Hat!

“It’s gotten to the point where the Dems are just bullying us with scientists. Doctors, ecologists, geologists, epidemiologists and now astronomers? Reagan and his Nancy would only listen to an astrologist and the country thrived.”

Flat Top

“Mother Nature has been exhausted by the virus and climate massacre. She can’t pull spring off this year. She needs a stimulus. Congress must act or Mother Nature will just take her course.”

Ham Hands

“The donkeys actually think this is spring? Give me a break. They’re just trying to make voters feel guilty for not cleaning out the foxholes we all live in now.”

Over Half of the Interviewed Legislators from both Parties

“I just listen to my constituents. Whatever they say is the truth.”

Don Arrup

Satire1

Friday Eve

 

Having just gotten the schedule for the March Zoom rehearsals for a project with the Drama League I couldn’t help but notice that it identifies the days by their numerical standing in the month with no mention of their position in the week.

The fourth, eleventh, eighteenth and twenty-fifth of the lamb eating the lion month are what used to be called “Thurs” days. Of course, no one who has progressed past believing in Santa Claus, equal opportunity and the Easter Bunny still believes in Thursdays. The twenty four hour period between Hump and Thank God (even if you are an atheist) had been a lingering conceit of traditionalists and people who think that novels and films reflect reality anymore than reality TV does. 

You don’t have to make your way in this world for long or even be a student for more than a grade or two to know that Mondays can be very blue. And Tuesdays are just too- I would even say way too- but what are you going to do? Saturdays belong to your god and Sundays to mine? 

So is it a camel or dromedary after that too too Tuesday? Or in less zoological terms are there one hump or two mid week? (In contradiction to the Camel cigarette pack it is dromedaries who are singularly humped) 

Mad Dame Phylis Morris, one of the country’s leading dayologists, pointed out that despite an almost universal understanding throughout history that Thursdays are bullshit it like every other insane conspiracy theory has its defenders. 

“I don’t care if some great power human or divine made weeks a hundred days long there still wouldn’t be a place for Thursdays. Go through your week. Collect evidence of every time you open your eyes. You’re not going to come up with even a shadow of a Thursday. The evidence just isn’t there and never was.”

Both political parties in the United States retreat immediately from any mention of a gap between Hump and Friday. “Getting over the hump gets you over the Thursday delusion or so it is wished,” said He Who

Died a Wednesday. “Since both parties have now devolved to the point of contradicting each other over everything from the Sun rising in the east and setting in the pockets of the one per cent both fear entanglements in meaningless arguments  that will take up what little time they have for the meaningless arguments they suspect get them elected.”

Don Arrup

Satire1

Vaccine Not Mean

Cellphone hellphone buzz beep beep

Word from JoJo’s Pharmacy

Cancelation 

Come now and reap

Doors close in minutes 12

Run like hell

And your arm

We’ll swell

With immunity

Coat grab quick cab

Pinched between

The teeth of the key

Health care card

Ballpoint papers pen

Coat off hoodie gone

Roll up sleeve

That’s not where we shoot

We’re neighborhood friends

Drop pants

Bend over dance

Nurse spanks till

Buttocks bloom

Horse needle long

As a lost love song

Plunger pushed

Vaccine whoosh

Today I feel like shit

And loving it

Hope you get yours

Soon

Don Arrup

Satire1