Super Committee Makes Bold Move

The Joint Select Committee on Deficit Reduction or Super Committee which failed to find a compromise to save the United States from becoming Big Greece set up tents and card tables in Zucotti Park just above Wall Street in an attempt to force the Occupy Wall Street Protesters to come up with some specific demands. The lawmakers who had been appointed by their party leaders expressed frustration and outrage that the mass of recent college graduates and warmed over 60's radicals haven't shown the leadership and direction the country so desperately needs to survive the Great Recession.

"The OWS is in danger of making themselves irrelevent by not offering proposals on how to fix the nation's long term fiscal health." said one Senator who chose annominity to avoid offending lobbyists. "We members of Congress are too enslaved by endless campaigning and special interests while the protesters have the advantages of unemployment and homelessness to enjoy all the freedoms that only America can provide. It is time they grow up and point the way."

"I think the Occupiers are showing a shameless self indulgence and immaturity by refusing to compromise on their dogmas enough to keep the country going," said one Congresswoman terrified of her constituents. "If we can't get leadership from a throng of sex and drug crazed malcontents then we will be forced to turn back to Washington."

"Mayor Bloomberg can not evict us as we have Congressional immunity," said one of the Committee Chairpersons wearing a paper bag over his head. "We are being joined by Ambassadors from other dead beat nations coming over from the UN to demand that the OWS roll up its sleeves and submit something we can vote against,"

Don Arrup

Satire1

Daddy Warbucks' Eyes

I was told when I was two
That even though they had the same eyes
Warbucks was not her Daddy

Big Tuxedo, red dress, bald head, hair nappy

Annie's mom America
Her bounty shared by few
Her children orphaned
Husbands humbled
Horizon a dark blue

The Mideast rumbled
Europe stumbled
Far East rising near

People marched, dogs barked
Tea Party and Zucotti Park
Politicians try to ignite a spark
To light our fall into the dark
No candle to be found anywhere

Eyeless blind we had a ball
Bill came due we'd spent it all
A nation of hollow sockets
Divided by bulging and empty pockets
While rogue states build bombs and rockets
Once admired now they mock us

Hope that left over bird tastes good!
Happy Thanksgiving

Don Arrup
Satire1

GOP Candidates on Penn State Scandal

Satire1 interviewed the Republican Presidential Primary Candidates on the recent accusations of pedophilia by former Penn State Football Coach Jerry Sandusky that led to riots on the Happy Valley campus after the midnight firing of legendary Coach Joe Paterno.

Governor Rick Perry

“It seems this all began back in the Clinton Administration. President Bush was tied up with terrorism and starting wars but as all those problems have been winding down I think the current President could have done more to protect the behinds of our future leaders. “

“Our state gun rights assure there is no pedophilia in Texas but I routinely check the showers and locker rooms at the University of Texas just to be sure.”

Congresswoman Michele Bachman

“What I want to know is where was Mrs. Obama when all this was going down. The Obamas have been living on Pennsylvania Avenue for almost three years so this was practically in their backyard. It is traditionally the First Lady who acts as an advocate for the nation’s children and pushing vegetables on fat kids is only going to make them more attractive to these sick individuals.”

Ambassador Jon Huntsman

“Of course it was a state college. This is just another instance of how government spends your tax dollars raping our children.”

Former House Speaker and College Professor Newt Gingrich

“In academic circles it was just assumed that people become coaches because they are pedophiles.”

Governor Mitt Romney

“I know what I’m about to say is going to be controversial and I’m probably going to get a lot of flack about it from the media but as someone asking the American people for their vote to be their president I feel the public has a right to know. I always kind of liked Joe Paterno.”

Pizza Man Herman Cain

“This is another example of trial by media. Coach Sandusky was probably reviewing the Quarterback/Center exchange in that shower and if anything did happen it is Obama that should be fired not Joepa.”

Don Arrup

Satire1

Federal Government Surrenders Power to Occupy Wall Street Protesters

President Obama, House Speaker Boehner, Senate Majority Leader Reid and Chief Justice Roberts formally handed the Constitution and keys to the White House, Congress and Supreme Court over to a CUNY undergraduate in Sociology behind a card table in Lacotti Park today marking the end of the Free Market Capitalist Oligarchy that has ruled the country since its founding.

A guillotine was constructed in the graveyard of Trinity Church at the top of Wall Street to accommodate everyone making over a million dollars in annual income who is not a media star or Warren Buffet. The People’s Bureau of Investigation began arresting banksters and stock robbers as part of a nationwide sweep of anyone who turned a profit since the Great Recession began.

Private property has been abolished and all marriages are voided as the period of genital monopolization ends. The family unit is dismantled and children under the new age of consent (12 years) will be redistributed by lottery to couples demonstrating truly democratic relationships.

All private homes will be demolished as they are the most divisive and unequal element in society. Tents, wigwams and igloos will be the only allowable shelters in the new United Citizens of America. Banks will become free food distribution centers and nursing homes will end their age discrimination and accommodate anyone who has just plain had it.

Schools will stop manufacturing fodder for the heartless industrial poison machine and all institutes of higher learning will become research centers for time and mind travel.

October 31st is the new Independence Day. Every Monday is Memorial Day and Malcolm X’s birthday will replace Martin Luther King’s as a national day of observance.

Barter, seduction and violence will replace Federal Reserve Notes and all other currencies while workers will toil for the satisfaction of knowing they have contributed to the general good.

Legislation pending General Assembly approval:

Everyone is to be painted blue to end racial discrimination

Distribute nuclear arsenal to Third World countries and stateless minorities

Legalize terrorism

Invade Alaska

Recognize Disney World as a sovereign state

Mandate a Star Wars channel

Invite Iraq and Afghanistan to join the Union

Make Satire1 the blog of record

Don Arrup
Satire1

New Jobama Plan

President Obama announced on the White House lawn today that he has just hired over two million people currently behind bars in America as Conviction Demonstrators as part of a sweeping overhaul of the Penal and Housing systems.

Both citizen and foreign prisoners were drafted by executive order into the new Penal Corp and are to remain stationed in their current prison, jail or detention center. Those currently being charged with a crime are considered applicants and will only be hired upon conviction.

President Obama explained:

“Penal Corp participants will be paid the Federal Minimum Wage to cover the rent of their cells and board. This way the whole program pays for itself. It adds nothing to the deficit while creating over two million new jobs. And these are not short-term infrastructure projects but jobs that will last the length of the conviction. For thousands of Americans this will be a lifelong career.”

“My new Penal Corp will not infringe on the sovereignty of state and local prisons. Local laws and work rules still apply as the investments will continue to come from local taxpayers. But all detention centers will be issued PC T-shirts that say ‘This is not my punishment. This is my job.’”

“The new Penal Corp will also address the disproportionate toll the recession has taken on the poor and minorities as most of the hires will be from this group. “

“The Republicans are always saying put more people in jail. I say put more people to work. And if Congress ever gets around to criminalizing homelessness as I have requested we could end this housing crisis before the end of this year or whenever we can build enough children’s prisons.”

Don Arrup
Satire1

Phone Bone

We call people up to find out how we are doing. We ask them first so as to not seem insane but what we want to know is how we are. Not feeling well? Hell, how sick are you? I’m feeling better already. Marriage trouble? My husband’s more handsome with every detail. Your mother again? Glad mine’s dead.

We assume a zero sum world of misery. If you feel worse I must feel better. If you are out of luck mine’s just come in. If we are both down then we are a team against the world of friends who dare to enjoy these times.

Parties should be called comparison contests. Men talk vaguely about their jobs, cars and kids measuring their peckers against neighbors and kin. Women wear status and complement décor with inflection that tickles a nipple or pinches it.

Don’t read the paper when you are depressed. It will be too much fun. Celebrities’ miseries are our bounty. Envy avenged. Super models look like crap on Monday mornings. Some even get fat after having kids. Adonis actors slapped with paternity suits. Titans of industry and politics caught with working whores.

What more could you ask for?

Don Arrup
Satire1

Occupy Main Street

The nation’s wealthiest families have taken to the beaches of their private islands vowing to sit in the elements and not return to their homes until the tyrannous 99% stop oppressing them with their demonstrations in Zuccotti Park in Manhattan.

Braving 86 degree temperatures under bright sunshine which plunge to near 70 at night, American Plutocrats vow to stand up for “The Smallest and Most Oppressed Minority in the United States.”

Claiming to have not received any direct assistance from the federal government as they struggle through the most severe recession since the Great Depression the Plutocrats claim that the massive growth of their slice of the economy has caused them nothing but headaches and social isolation.

“The smart money was already long out of the banks and investment houses before the bubble burst. The government didn’t bail us out. We had already bailed ourselves out.”

“Nobody’s buying islands anymore and the market value of half my mansions has gone down by almost a third. I’m tired of seeing people who’ve lost their $125,000 homes complaining on TV. I’ve lost more than that on the asking price of my classic Bentley,“

“Sure we own Congress but for all the value we’ve gotten on our billions we would have done better to endow a new Monkey House at the National Zoo.”

“The way the national debt and globalization pans out now most Americans actually work for the Chinese. The beauty of it is if you move to China you could work for us.”

“How can this rabble complain about our lobbyists? Somebody has to subsidize the millionaires in Congress who are sacrificing their top robbing years to serve the nation. What do they want? Dumb thieves running this country?”

Don Arrup
Satire1

NYC Puffers Petition UN For Right Of Return

New York City Smokers have presented a petition to the United Nations General Assembly through the French Embassy asking for the right of return as the oppressive Bloomberg regime continues to restrict and harass them. The petition was considered a non-starter before smoking was banned in all city parks, beaches and public spaces in May. Now delegates of former colonial powers are seeing first hand the tyranny imposed on smokers under God’s roof.

Second hand smoke is not the issue as there are no studies to support the danger of being in sight of someone smoking outdoors. City council members claimed that littering was a concern but since there are already laws against this it is irrelevant.

The issue is class warfare and racism. In a city built on the trade of tobacco, where the average day’s air quality is more dangerous than smoking two packs of cigarettes a day anti-smoking hysterics now do not want to see anyone smoking. The question is who smokes?

Statistics show that the less money you make and the darker your skin the more likely it is you are a smoker. Smoking is the poor man’s comfort. Though the mayor’s office has claimed that smoking has decreased in the city they are going by local tobacco sales that are the highest taxed in the country. Even uneducated immigrants have figured out that those taxes can be avoided for a five dollar round trip ride on the Path train to New Jersey. (The New York City and State taxes on one pack amount to more than that,)

As the aging Yuppies who moved to New York from the suburbs found that their money and connections could override the rights of the poorer and more ethnically diverse native New Yorkers smoking laws became a weapon to shape the city to their liking.

Over a decade ago the Yuppies moved en masse to low rent party districts in Manhattan and Brooklyn then pressed to have the bars and restaurants cleared of cigarette smoke while allowing the far more toxic smoke of paraffin table candles to continue. Pushing up the rents on the artists and locals they then besieged their police precincts with complaints of noise. The noise was smokers forced outside to smoke conversing.

Why anyone would move to the East Village, Meat Packing District or Dumbo and expect suburban peace and quiet can only be explained by this group’s unreasonable sense of entitlement or just plain stupidity.

The Yuppies transportation of choice even in the most urban area of the country with the best public transportation system in the world is the SUV or Suburbanite Uber Volt (Suburbanites over the people), which is exempt from EPA standards and is estimated to produce an exhaust 10,000 times more toxic than tobacco smoke. Car exhaust, unlike tobacco smoke, does not dissipate but remains part of the air we all breath until it rains heavily.

So as children are less and less exposed to tobacco smoke they suffer more and more from asthma, bronchitis and deadly allergies. Even the most creative and manipulated scientific studies have been unable to explain this to the satisfaction of the oppressors.

Could it be that the affluent SUV and other big car drivers who live and work in climate controlled enviroments are murdering the poor minority smokers and are trying to deflect the blame by demonizing them?

The United Nations will decide.

NYC smokers are rebelling against segregation, employment and health care discrimination and demanding the right of return to bars, parks and beaches. They are taxed higher than any other American. While the health hysterics have returned to the tactics of their vegetarian and tobacco-despising hero Adolph Hitler the international community has reacted.

Pinwar Swinbowsie, delegate of Bong Congo explained:
“Americans are haters. The only reason they have not become more globally oppressive is because there are always voters whose ancestors came from wherever. In order to protect themselves from endless civil war they have created laws to protect the different groups defined by race, religion, gender and such. But they have to have a demon so they turn their insatiable prejudice on behavior groups. There are too many fat people so obesity is protected. So they pick on the smokers. Smokers are the new niggers.”

Don Arrup
Satire1

The News Don't Matter

Everywhere I go it’s the newspaper. I’ve had it. I walk out of my building into six degrees above global warming with a skin cancer index of dead in two weeks. I’m sweating. I can see my breath as a clear stream in the car exhaust. I walk closely behind a cheap cigar smoker for the fresh air. A woman with a matching hat and handbag steps on my foot with her stiletto and then threatens to sue me for checking out her behind. So I limp to the corner newsstand picking up the pace as one of the pitbullasorouses that Michael Vick didn’t murder is slobbering at my inseam. All to see Jimmy the Other Greek for some toilet literature.

Jimmy the Other Greek tries to sell me the New York Times, Post, Sun, Newsday and the Daily News, Dispatch, Tattler, Record. I tell him its summer. I hate the beach. I want a bikini magazine.

Jimmy says nobody wants to buy the papers these days and he doesn’t understand why. I tell him to just read one and the mystery will dissolve. He tries to sell me Sports Illustrated. I tell him the bikinis are too small. I want a big bikini magazine. Bikinis that actually have a whole woman inside them. I’ve looked at these models. They even live around here. They live on bottled water and makeup. They couldn’t eat if they wanted to. They have no internal organs.

Jimmy the Other Greek says there must be something he has that I want. He owes me money. I never lent him any money. I would just hand him a twenty for the two dollar Times and he wouldn’t give me any change. He put it on his tab. This has been going on for years and he owes me enough to put me through NYU Law School for a semester. I hear you can get laid there.

He tries to talk me into smoking. He says he’ll give me the cigarettes for free and all I have to pay is the tax. The entire price of cigarettes is tax. The pack costs a buck fifty and the rest of the fifteen bucks is federal, state and local tax. And they won’t let you smoke them anywhere. Not even in some co ops now.

Jimmy apologizes and said that he had some big bikini magazines last week but the Taliban came by and threatened to rip his moustache off. So he gave them away to the illegal immigrants who hang on the corner waiting for day work managing hedge funds.
Okay, forget it. I’m going to whistle while I toil this week. I need a sandwich. The counter I have the least fear of because not even a germ could survive the filth is two blocks south on Broadway. Order kosher ham on whole grain styrafoam with pomegranate mustard goddess low cal dressing and a fat Coke.

President Obama is seated three stools down sandwiched between the earplugs and dark sunglasses. I yell Hey Prez, what are you doing about getting my brother a job. Obama says he’s worried about his job. I say what about the deficit? He says look where I’m eating. I ask about the stimulus and he says he’s leaving a tip. I think Social Security will be there long enough for me to finish my sandwich so I leave the man alone.

House Speaker Boehner is at the corner getting a hot dog and negotiating the relish. Says he’s on the way to a tea party on Park Avenue. Old money and cucumber sandwiches. He needs a dog. A red hot. In Texas it would be a barbeque, big hair and boobs. Here, it’s a wrinkle post with a tiara. His socks are too thin, like hose. Black guys can pull that off but white guys just look like their wannabe sidekick.

I like Obama and Boehner. I know they really try doing what are today impossible jobs. Maybe I should say super impossible. They are not the problem. Politicians are not the problem. We are the problem. We’re just the bigger and harder working version of Greece right now and we still think we’re America.

Maybe last millennium. Before Wall Street started playing Monopoly with real real estate. We were all house happy. So the colleges and doctors figure if everyone’s a millionaire lets triple prices. I own two hundred credit cards.

My TV is not big enough. You need a screen wide enough to make you turn your head. Keep you active. My car is too small. I could never fit a NFL cheerleading squad in there. Not a polite fit. I don’t spend enough time beating my kids. They’re wild animals.

Don Arrup
Satire1

Straw Poll

Candidates look like assholes in August. It doesn’t matter which party. You can’t stand a politician next to a 500 pound hog and not think of pork. They promise to bring home the bacon and not charge you for it. They’ll cut spending elsewhere or tax everyone who isn’t a farmer.

You get pictures of governors and congress folk shoving oversized local fare in their face in the papers this time of year anyway. Campaigns never end and state fairs are a cheap vacation.

People don’t want to listen to politicians in August. Any August. And especially not this August after the most hysterical and unproductive summer since the blow job carnival.

I almost feel sorry for them. In the bright sunshine on a little stage in front of checkered shirts and aprons candidates look just like the snake oil salesmen they are.

It’s not their fault. We buy snake oil. We don’t like its taste. We don’t like its effect but it is all we will buy. We make these monsters and elect them. Cotton candy and corn dogs.

Don Arrup
Satire1

Greed Versus Need

One of the seven deadly wins
When you have what you need
Is wanting more greed

Or is it ambition

A fuzzy point
On the scale of desire

Wanting two shoes
Is not greedy

Wanting two pairs of shoes
Not unreasonable

Shoes for every utility
Probably wise

So how many shoes
Two
Many

The girls next door to me
Had Barbie dolls
One each

Never owned two bikes
At the same time

Not a Mormon
Or a Muslim
Don’t even have a lover

Money is funny
Abstract
Yet powerful

Acquisition
Stuff
Access

If you’re greedy
Respect won’t cut it
Got to be envied

Be so in awe of me
You want to kill yourself
Then I’ll be happy

Greed is a bad drug
You’ll never get enough
Have it all and more
And still be poor

Don Arrup
Satire1

August 2 And A Half

With no deficit ceiling deal in sight Satire1 feels compelled to list the changes that will take place on August 2cd or 3rd when the federal government defaults on its debts.

The U. S. Mint will strike the words and symbols for cent(s) and dollar(s) from coin and paper currency with a stamp embossed with a red question mark. Major retailers have already begun retooling pricing guns and billing printers to reflect the change from the dollar to the question mark.

After Social Security checks fail to arrive your mother and her best friend will move in with you. And they will be in a good mood.

American troops in Afghanistan will defect to the Taliban who still pays in tobacco and poppies.

China will invade and hold Japan in escrow.

Greece, Portugal, Italy and Spain will overrun France and Germany and declare the American Question Mark the only recognized currency in Europe.

Gasoline stations, pharmacies and liquor stores will only accept gold and ammunition for their products.

Credit cards will be replaced by biometric butt cleavage swipes. Your ass will be billed directly.

The United Nations Food for the Affluent Project predicts that those “with no ass at all” will face starvation and hemorrhoids.

Four divisions of the United States Army will seal the southern boarder and prevent illegal immigrants from returning to Mexico.

Hospitals and Community Health Clinics will return to their original functions as mortuaries.

All Air Traffic Controllers will be dismissed. Flight departures and arrivals will improve dramatically.

As restaurants, convenience stores and drive in take out joints close hundreds of millions of Americans will be reduced to cooking their own food.

Schools will open in September without teachers. Educational video games will be played under the supervision of hobos and other professionals from the hard-core homeless population. Test scores in cities will rise to near literate levels.

Leading business schools will follow Harvard’s lead in dropping courses and majors in Finance, Banking and Investment and replacing them with Brothel Management, Narcotics Marketing, Hypnotism and Lobbying.

Satire1 will have a decent post for once.

Don Arrup
Satire1

Obama Declares War on Neptune

President Obama addresses the nation:

My fellow Americans as you are all aware our Midwestern States have been under constant bombardment this season by the elements of wind and water taking the lives of our citizens and causing irreparable damage to homes, communities and even entire towns. This threat to our lives and economy is nothing new but whereas in the past our forefathers shrugged them off as the acts of God new intelligence has been brought to light by the Central Intelligence Agency proving that this was not the act of the one true God but of a pagan deity who has been tyrannizing the people of the Mediterranean for over two millenniums.

This terrorist goes by many names: Poseidon, Earth Shaker, Giver of Horses and Neptune. He has been positively identified as the force behind all of the tornadoes, tsunamis, floods, hurricanes, typhoons and earthquakes. As tyrant of the waters, wind and tectonic plates he is responsible for the flooding of New Orleans through his daughter Katrina, the recent devastation of Japan and now he has turned his aggression to the very heart of America.

Our battle with Neptune is nothing new. We had begun looking into his network over twenty years ago but as long as Neptune wreaked his devastation on third world countries and our poorest regions we gave it no priority. Now he is again targeting us and is even going after our white people.

In secret communiqués to the International Monetary Fund Neptune has threatened to ravage the economies of the major economic powers if his homeland of Greece is not given better rates on their loans. The Peoples Republic of China which has been suffering massive quakes of late claims to have evidence that Neptune solicited his niece Venus to put the love madness on the Managing Director of the IMF in order to depose him.

The United Nations Security Council has remained in session since it became apparent last March that Neptune has turned to nuclear terrorism in attacking Japans Fukushima Daiichi Reactors.

The battle with Neptune will require a coordinated international effort since water, wind and horses are everywhere. Historians contend that the Roman Emperor Caligula’s war against Neptune ended inconclusively due to a lack of such international cooperation. We have better technology and weaponry now but since the United Nations acts only after the slaughter and NATO proved to be useless in Libya I have called for unilateral action by our military to be taken immediately.

After consulting the leading members of both parties of Congress I ordered the Navy to begin bombing the floor of the oceans. Special drone submarines have been deployed to bomb the deepest depths of the seas and under the polar caps. In cooperation with our neighboring allies of Canada and Mexico our armies have surrounded the Great Lakes and the Gulf. Last year’s oil spill is now suspected to be the work of Neptune and his nymphs but we’ll take the BP money anyway. The Coast Guard has closed all harbors and remains on high alert at our coastlines. As we speak the Air Force is patrolling our coastlines and flat states with orders to shoot to kill any tornado or hurricane that comes into sight.

We need the American people to understand that not all of this terrorism can be traced to Ancient Greece and Rome. The Department of Homeland Security in cooperation with the Federal Bureau of Investigation has implicated, located and arrested Old Man River and is currently holding him for questioning.

In response to my critics over my policy regarding torture I say this. Torture is not in alignment with American values and has rarely proven to be effective. I see no advantage to be gained in waterboarding Old Man River since he is made of water and though he has yet to confess he does seem to be rolling along.

Within the next twenty-four hours the Justice Department will issue Emergency Directive Number 441 outlawing the filling of pools, flying of kites and any other activity that might aid and empower the enemy. All equestrian sports including the Belmont Stakes are cancelled since he is known to be the god of horses as well.

This is a full bipartisan effort and commitment to meet the threat posed by the Olympian and his agents and a guarantee from your federal government to deliver the same protection and rescue that we have demonstrated on 9/11, in New Orleans and the Gulf of Mexico.

In conclusion I ask the American people to understand that these actions are not meant as a declaration of war on water, wind and the Earth themselves. Indeed, our bodies are mostly composed of water and the Earth is our home. Our foe is radical Olympian Paganism that seeks to subjugate modern societies to the elements of Nature and the limitations of the planet’s resources. And that is something I promise you the American people will never submit to.

Don Arrup
Satire1

Gimme Swelter

All life on Earth
Is derived from the Sun
Plants eat its shine
And breathe our exhaust
Thus calories are made
Graze

Yesterday was hot
Today was worse
Tomorrow unimaginable

The Sun is reminding us
Who’s boss

Enjoy the heat
Or suffer

Don Arrup
Satire1

Deficit Dance

Obama walked out to the middle of the dance floor
Alone
Un-chaperoned

He looks at Speaker Boehner
Then winks at Senator McConnell
Holds his arms open
To air

The music’s playing
Nobody’s dancing
Crowd’s getting nervous

Obama invites them to his house
To do homework
Hang out
And plan the next dance

Then Bo and Co go
To a Tea Party
And don’t ask O along

O says if nobody dances with him
Next new moon
He’s turning the music off

Where is the love?

Soldiers dying
Neighbors crying
Coworkers fired

Is this the best we can do?

McConnell has an idea
Everyone stands on the edge
Of the dance floor
And grooves
Before the ceiling caves in



Don Arrup
Satire1

Summer Vacation Deals 2011

Middle East Revolution Tour
Dodge bullets. Battle helicopter gun ships and be part of history. Luxury suites at world class hotels available at bargain basement prices throughout the upheaval.

European Basket Case Cruise
See Hitler’s job done as Mediterranean countries collapse to German frugality and get a preview of America in 2012 when Republicans cut government services back to the Stone Age.

Mexican Gang War Adventure
Get insider deals to your favorite narcotics while enjoying a reenactment of Roaring Twenties violence on an epic scale. In Spanish with American bullets.

Japanese Disaster Parks
Missed Hiroshima and Nagasaki? See what the real mother did when nature unleashed her fury on the coast of Nippon.

Chinese Pollution Parks
Watch our creditor scramble to put out rivers on fire while wading through air you can pluck with a chopstick.

Epicurean Extinction Excursion
Visit illegal restaurants across the globe serving endangered species. Where the rich play god for real.

Holy Land Sex Slave Trade Holiday
Get your religion and your rocks off too in brothels packed with pretty “masseuses” from the former Soviet Union.

Mid West Tornado Whirl
Be swept up in the amusement park that covers four states. You may not land in Oz but you’ll be in for a hell of a ride.

Mississippi Flood Party Barge
Join Old Man River on a paddlewheel BBQ over whole congressional districts that have since turned to mud parks.

Rustbelt Poorism Pilgrimage
America of tomorrow can be seen today in crumbling cities and towns where corporations have shipped jobs to other solar systems.

Land The Banks Forgot Bleisure Trip
Invest in what’s left of the mess of Florida and Arizona real estate while enjoying sunshine and others desperation.

Bring the whole family. Let them marvel at reality!

Don Arrup
Satire1

Hot Night Blues

Yesterday it was fun being an American
Yesterday I was free
And there were fireworks
We watched them on TV

The grill was hot
The beer was cold
Kids marched around
Sparklers and ka-boom

I was a free American yesterday
Today I’m just an American
And I don’t feel so free
Is it just me?
Or is it most of the country?

I hope it’s just me

Half the country hates the president
The other half hates the one before
That’s nothing new for us
The U.S. doesn’t stand for us
Nobody believes there is an us
In the US

Everybody talks about them
And you have to listen a while
To know which them they mean

Mean

Nothing new for the US or us
Founding Fathers spread rumors
Shot each other
Hated each other to their graves
Only Adams and Jefferson made up
Then died on the same Independence Day

Don Arrup
Satire1

Poems For The Last Day Of School

BEHIND THE DESK

Nine months behind the desk
Outside the Sun shines
Preparing for nine lives
Behind the desk
Career promotion bills

Better than just the chair
Principal’s office, witness box, electric

Teach the children well
That Life is Hell
And the work is never done

Run outside today
If you are young
And still believe in fun

I’ll be here
Behind the desk
Waiting
For you to replace me


NO VACATE

My whole life has become a job
And I don’t like the boss
Never satisfied
Can’t mention raise
Or a day off

Endless depression
One-man recession
Hairline
Bottom line
Only my belt stretches

At least I can’t get fired
Or laid off
But I also can’t retire
Only expire
Dead end job me


SUCK ME

Humans
Second on the food chain
Elevated by mosquitoes
Since we’re the baldest blood bags

No fur or fuss
No scale or hide
To obstruct
The suck

They annoy us
To frustrate and inspire us
Keep us hungry

So much do they control us
We buzz about
Growing food
Working for food
Buying food

Take out
Drive in
Make out
Sin sin

It’s not a sucker
That is born every minute
But the to be sucked

Don Arrup
Satire1

Congress Denies Moon Right To Eclipse

Congress interrupted its debate over raising the debt ceiling today to vote to deny the Moon the right to eclipse over North America both tonight and in the foreseeable future.

House Speaker Boehner
“We may have trashed the space program but we still own the Moon since President Richard Nixon colonized it on July 20th 1969. The American people spent billions of dollars to get those astronauts up there to civilize that rock and its only once a month when we can view the full benefit of our investment.”

House Minority Leader Pelosi
“I don’t think the Moon was as sound a purchase as Louisiana or Alaska but June is a romantic month and the height of the marriage season. Couples shouldn’t have to go off on a Honey Eclipse.”

Senate Majority Leader Reid
“Werewolves are citizens too and I don’t know what they are supposed to do if we didn’t act. Its time the Moon stopped trying to take a night off every time it slips outside our orbit of the Sun.”

Senate Minority Leader McConnell
“This wouldn’t even be an issue if we had a McDonald’s up there. I say we declare the Moon a tax free development zone and let the free market take care of the astronomy.”

President Obama
“I have signed the bill, it has become law, and I applaud Congress on their swift bi-partisan effort to close this solar-lunar loophole which has left our country in the dark so many times before. I invite all Americans under clear skies to enjoy their Moon in its full majesty and leave the crescents to Al Qaeda and the Taliban.”

“ Later this month I will propose a bill to Congress to extend summer indefinitely to help our country wean itself off heating oil and dependence on foreign powers, many of whom can’t even throw a respectable revolution.”

Don Arrup
Satire1

In Memorium

Satire1 again suspends its wit this post in honor of those individuals and their families whose sacrifice makes this and other blogs like it possible.

Don Arrup
Satire1

Guide To End Of Days

For those of you new to the end of the world and Universe Satire1 has provided a handy guide to dealing with the Biblical Apocalypse that began today May 21, 2011.

How to recognize the Apocalypse
The first sign of the Apocalypse is the great powers (currently the United States and European Union) will find themselves in frightening financial straits perhaps even owing money to recent enemies. This is already well underway.

The second sign of the Apocalypse is that the greatest power on Earth will find and destroy the devil of this Millennium and discover that none of their problems have gone away. This happened earlier this month.

The third sign of the Apocalypse is a revolt of the downtrodden masses around the Holy Land succeeding by returning to the original Universal language used by humans before being dispersed at the Tower of Babel. Tweeting or the Language of Thumbs took over this (Arab) spring.

What you can do to deal with the Apocalypse
Well, actually there is nothing you can do but Satire1 provides you with some complete wastes of time and money that might delude you into feeling safer until the earthquakes finally begin to tear the surface of the Earth apart.

Buy a bigger house than you can afford.
Since most of us will be buried under our own roof why not get a big one to run under when the rain of fire begins. Interest rates are at record low levels and no one pays off their mortgages anymore anyway.

Buy a too big vehicle.
Following the logic of the too big house purchase, why be buried in a small car? The rain of fire might catch you on the road and you will have seconds to feel superior and protected watching Smart cars cinderize before you perish in your Military Transport.

Enroll in a college you can’t afford.
That would be any college by the way including State schools. Since there will be no jobs even if the Earth is saved by Divine Intervention you would be a fool not to accrue massive debt and the full spectrum of sexually transmitted diseases. When visiting prospective campuses forget the library. Check out the pool.

Bear children you have no intention of raising.
Since spanking is prosecuted as murder and even gentle guidance can get you arrested for verbal abuse let your wild offspring run roughshod over your neighbors property and enjoy what little time they have. No one reaches maturity anymore no matter how much time they have so what the hell? We’re all going there anyway. Why not get used to it here?

Don Arrup
Satire1

Who Knew?

The accusation that Osama Bin Laden only vacationed in Pakistan but lived and worked in Washington D.C. as valet to the current and former presidents has been confirmed by the White House.

Imp Erp has run security at the White House since 2006

“I couldn’t recognize him without the hat. I guess technically it’s a turban but it reminds me of the Alka-Seltzer kid’s hat. That kid’s name is Speedy. We know where he is. But no, I didn’t know he was the world’s most wanted man. Not with the trim beard and a tie.”

Justin Blow, FBI Liaison

“He passed the security check. His resume stated that his name was Osama Bin Laden. Listed Al Qaeda and the Mujahideen as former employers. We thoroughly investigated his background and it all checked out. How were we to know that he was the Osama Bin Laden?”

Dick Cheney, former Vice President of the United States

“President Bush was never informed that his valet was the most notorious terrorist in history. Osama gave a great shave and haircut. Knew how to use an iron and could slip a cowboy boot on a kangaroo. And don’t forget the propaganda value. He was our most valuable ally in selling two wars.”

Eman Iman, State Department Liaison

“I couldn’t figure out whether he was tall or gay.”

X, National Security Advisor since 2009

“He and President Obama hung out a lot and even prayed together. Surprisingly they’re both closet Jews.”

Secretary of State Hilary Clinton

I can say for a fact that he was tall. But I have no personal knowledge of his sexual preference. He did like to make videos of himself and at his age…”

General Umph Sucocski
“I can’t tell you how relived I was to learn that he was a terrorist and that he was dead. I thought he was a lobbyist.”

Wax Awf, White House Shop Stewart
“Of course I knew he was the terrorist but he was always up on his dues. Threw a couple bucks to every drive and campaign we had. No absenteeism. All the armies and lawyers in the world couldn’t have taken him out if he just showed up for work everyday. This is America, not Wisconsin.”

Felicia Spread, Tour Guide since 2003
“Did I know Sámi? I was like only one of his wives for like three weeks, mostly in War Room, but I got tired of hearing about his other wives and he wanted me to go to his compound on the weekends but it was like seventeen hours by plane.”

Joe Biden, Current Vice President of the United States
“I’m going to miss his haircuts. And I need a trim. But most of all I’m going to miss Osama because terrorism needs a face. Who are we going to throw darts at? Paint on the bottom of our urinals? The reason we struggled in Korea and Vietnam was we didn’t have an individual who personified the enemy. And Atmydinnerjob and Kim Ill whatever. They’re just clowns.”

Don Arrup
Satire1

Internetcourse

It really is a world wide web
The question is who’s the spider?

I’ve never owned a hell phone
Never text or twittered
I’m disconnected
Single in the Stone Age
Crawling through a wire
While others surf microwaves

Its killed single dating
There is only double dating
Guys ask out a woman and her cell phone
To join him and his cell phone
They’ll never be alone

Why wait till tomorrow to enjoy the date
Fodding the fodder to your friends
Text them blow by blow
With photos of yourself
In the bathroom

I like email
Playing army men
Free pornography
And Fantasy Football

Not so big on being followed
Profiled
Custom brainwashed
Maybe we already live in China

I stare at screens too much
Like now
Outside the trees are bouquets
When the Sun shines
Women
Walk the streets with bare legs

Don Arrup
Satire1

N Korea Inc.

The Joint Chiefs of Staff have asked Congress to pass legislation allowing the Pentagon to sell theater or low radiation neutron shells and warheads in order to avoid being permanently out of the lucrative international market in nuclear weapons.

“We can’t let North Korea and Pakistan capture the whole market with that atomic junk they’re peddling. Every country that will survive as a country will be nuclear. Either by owning a trustworthy atomic devise or being reduced to glowing ashes. The genie is out of the bottle. We can’t allow the destruction of life on Earth without getting a piece of the action. “

Proponents claim that profits from sales to the 42 countries that don’t hate us could compensate for the coming cuts in defense spending.

“The North Koreans are making billions not millions on secret sales to rogue nations and terrorist organizations while the Pakis are sometimes giving it away to anyone who has a gripe with India. They’re making friends and they’re making money. We have better stuff laying around waiting to be disarmed.”

“Why buy something that could blow up in your face? We have the only product with a proven track record. Just say Hiroshima and Nagasaki and we’ve got ourselves a sale.”

Don Arrup
Satire1

Budget Blanket Bingo

Gang of six, Ryan’s revolution, debt ceiling, that huge commission Obama created and never listened to. Confused?

Satire1 has been cataloguing the wide range of proposals coming out of Congress on how to address the long-term budget deficit. Chose your favorite three and email your Representative and Senator.

Tax candidate’s campaign funds as income. We all know they’re working for it.

Tax every church and nonprofit that doesn’t believe in my God.

Dissolve the Office of the First Lady. It’s nepotism pure and simple. The President should sleep with his running mate.
(Put the vice back in the Vice Presidency.)

Since the Moon is an American colony we should charge for the use of its image in foreign publications and video.

Extend the Death Tax to include a partial write off for salvation and heavy penalties for damnation.
(Don’t let the Devil get his due.)

Soak the rich.

Forget the poor.

Tax profits and fund losses out of existence.
(Level the playing field.)

Rebuild the nation’s infrastructure. Build three more US Treasury mints and get the presses rolling.

Set up special panels to investigate whether chronically ill patients on Medicaid or Medicare are secretly Canadian.

Return hospice care to the basements of funeral homes.
(Will cut health care costs in half.)

Raise Social Security eligibility to age 90.

Charge countries for their liberation.

Tax sex that doesn’t result in pregnancy.

Recalculate poverty level by global standards.
(Fifteen bucks a day, you’re fat.)

Don Arrup
Satire1

April Fool 2911

Okay, so here we are two and a half years into the Great Recession, just days before a federal government shutdown, home prices falling, oil and food prices rising, flying into another war wearing a NATO T shirt. Baseball opened in the snow. Football will be played in the courtrooms. And the worst Academy Awards broadcast ever.

Still, we’re lucky compared to most of the world. China is literally running out of women. The Arab world has run out of bullshit. Europe has nothing but and Japan is shaken, soaked and burning.

Why doesn’t this make us feel better? Our rivals and enemies are crumbling while we’re only falling, rising and stumbling. We should be happy but instead we are scared.

A decade from now, when Canada and Nepal dominate the world things will be different. California and Japan will be physically and politically part of the Philippines, the preeminent Asian power. The Divided States of America embroiled in over two hundred border wars and contested control of key highways. Europeans will have returned to slaughtering each other over copyright infringements and soccer games. Israel will be a Muslim state after Iran and Saudi Arabia converted to Judaism. While the Caribbean Islands becomes the center of world finance and shoe fashion.

Sitcoms will have gone the way of Soap Operas. Broadway will be all nursing homes and gay clubs as if it wasn’t already. Sports will be played by robots and music replaced by digital stethoscopes with which people will dance to the grind of their own internal organs.

There will still be taxes on everything. Debt will begin at birth, as parents will no longer foot the bills for their offspring. Schools will be mandatory and charge college like tuition graduating citizen serfs whose sole freedom is to vote for the Board of Directors which replaced Congress and the Robber Baron who acts as executive. A bank charter will replace the Constitution.

Marriage will be illegal for all while prostitution will be considered a rite of passage for young folk and the best means of erasing the accrued debt of their upbringing. Romance will be treated as a mental illness and Love recognized as the delusional psychosis it has always been.

The world’s population will hold at about 22 billion. The oceans will be lifeless and only twelve other species larger than insects will survive. Genetically altered corn will be the only crop and dog the only meat. All diseases will be fatal including acne and halitosis. Still McDonald’s will thrive.

Or not.

Don Arrup
Satire1

Spring 2011

Japan trusted Nature
To not be too cruel
Now all of their technology
Makes them look like a fool

Iraq is about over
Afghanistan’s a bore
Go to North Africa
And find a new war

We spend four times on the old
What we do on the young
The rest pay the bills
So who’s having fun?

Teachers expelled
Police off the street
Library’s closing
Mayors taking the heat

Washington’s the wolf
Who huffs and who puffs
And inside the straw house
Is no one but us

Don Arrup
Satire1

Opportunity

Japan experienced the strongest earthquake recorded in its history this week followed by a tsunami American politicians can only dream about. As Japan’s emergency and armed services scramble to bring the government’s resources to where they are needed politicians calculate how to exploit the disaster to further their agendas.

Governor Wawaker of Prefecture Wawkawsen
“This is a national emergency so our public servants are going to have to pitch in and relinquish overtime and hazard pay as they work twenty hour days on the frontlines of the flood and radiation disasters.”

“This earthquake was caused by the heavy burden of public employee benefits on the tectonic plates of the Earth’s surface and I was elected to run our local government like a Chinese sweatshop in order to save the planet.”

Prime Minister Obawa
“I have asked the National Diet to pass emergency measures compelling the federal government to nationalize anything and everything that was shaken by the earthquake or dampened by the tsunami. Though this will be interpreted by some as socialism this week has proven that no individual is powerful enough to stand up to the forces of nature alone.”

“There will be aftershocks and more quakes but if my bill is passed no private property will be harmed as there will be no private property. If any individual or corporation contends that their property was undisturbed this week I’ll go down there and shake it myself.”

Don Arrup
Satire1

Don't Get Tunisia On Me

Children of Mad Wisconsin
Gather in the square
Refusing to wear their underwear

Promises to voters
The workers be damned
Strike if you like
Let politicians ham

Minority pols are on the lam
Holed up in hotels
Watching C Span

Concessions offered
But are they enough
The deficit’s written
In taxpayers’ blood

The weaker Govs
Who helped make this mess
Nowhere to be found
As this goes to press

Gov Walker unswerving
Has the law under heel
But is this change
An old or new deal

Triumphant Arabs
Your day in Sun
Know that your battles
Have just begun

Don Arrup
Saitre1

Egypt

Since there was only one story briefly interrupted by the Super Bowl but which has now resolved into a military democratic dictatorship caliphate Satire1 looks at how the newspapers and programs portrayed the struggle.

New York Times
Protestors Continue Pressure For Health Care Reform

Wall Street Journal
Protestors Riot Over Regulations

Tobacco Times
Arab Protests Continue Over Hookah Ban

Tea Party Tattler
Cairo Tax Party Continues

National Enquirer
Mummies Join Egyptian Protestors In Streets

MSNBC
Obama Overthrows Mubarak

FOX NEWS
Obama Assumes Presidency In Egypt

Jewish Times
Obama Abandons Loyal Tyrant

Don Arrup
Satire1

The Ides Of February

As if being single wasn’t hard enough
Romantic misadventures
Replay in opaque fuzz
More forgotten than felt
Only the confusion is clear

Pretty faces, vulnerable eyes
Haunt me this quiet morn
But their accumulation
Dissipates them
There is no One
Thank god

So I miss nobody
Her absence much easier to endure
And her wrath no more
Than the general ache of being alive

Perhaps this is reason to celebrate
The Ides of February
Another Valentine’s survived

Don Arrup
Satire1

Baltimore Joins MidEast Upheaval

The City of Baltimore, Maryland broke out in massive demonstrations as students and taxi drivers faced off with police in the streets of the downtown area over a host of issues that has had commentators referring to Charm City as the “Tunisia of the West.”

As the port city to the Old Line State of Maryland whose northern border with Pennsylvania constitutes the Mason Dixon Line or division of North and South going back to colonial times Baltimore is literally the Middle East of the United States.

A long failing public school system, increasing unemployment, extreme weather, a disappointing Ravens playoff run and the near impossibility of singles to get laid has the population near the breaking point.

“This city was as hot as Iraq last summer and now we’re living on the North Pole and the Governor has refused to act.”

Complaints that politicians allowed HBO to abandon “The Wire” in favor of a New Orleans based series is interpreted by many as the final straw in the decline of the city.

“New Orleans isn’t even America. Only Europeans listen to jazz and where the hell are the guns?”

“The Steelers stole that Division playoff game. We were whipping their butt until the local officials pumped stupid gas into the Visitors locker room at halftime and the mayor didn’t even protest.”

“I’ve heard rumors they’re putting celery in crab cakes in New York and calling them Maryland Crab Cakes.”
Editor’s Note: This rumor has been confirmed.

Drug dealers complain that they can’t find high school graduates with enough proficiency in division and subtraction to carry out proper drug deals and many recent graduates haven’t had enough science education to even use a book of matches.

Maryland State law gives tenure to public school teachers after only two years and parents feeling their children’s futures are being wasted by an intractable education bureaucracy are calling on local drug kingpins to stand up for the community and have bad teachers murdered.

“Good teachers don’t need tenure. The teachers that need tenure need a bullet.”

When the kingpins declined to get involved experts reminded them that soon no graduates would be educated enough to be able to afford drugs.


Don Arrup
Satire1

Children

Children never ask themselves if they can dance or sing. They just do. Then at some murky point of misunderstood maturity they wonder if their dancing is cool and compare their singing to professionals. People love their iPods and TV but something has been lost but not completely.

Don Arrup
Satire1

New Year Blues

My life
No idea

Feeling
Snowed in

Tired
yeah
Confused
what?

Off my feet
Headache

New Year
New rock

Boulder rolling
Like a hand on a watch

Don’t get it together
Spread out

You rush
You crush

Don Arrup
Satire1

2011 Resolutions

President Barack Obama
Cut taxes and spending

House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi
Raise taxes and spending

Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell
Stop Obama

House Speaker Steve Boehner
Stop crying

Vice President Joe Biden
Stop

Wall Street
Stop

WikiLeaks
Stop

Tea Party
Enough

MoveOn.org
Too much

American Public
Grow up

Satire1
Wrap it

Don Arrup
Satire1