Santa Balls

So we now have less than half the beds available for mental illness patients than we did in the 1950's when we had half the population and even young horn dogs pulled their pants up over their butts. Obama wants to deputize the Girl Scouts to collect all automatic and semi-automatic guns at the point of their berets. Semi-automatic guns being defined as anything developed after the blunderbuss. The NRA prefers arming the student body of grade schools and shooting anyone who's received a prescription for sleeping pills.

Who needs guns anyway? They now tell us that our anti-bacterial soup is not only totally ineffective against cold and flu viruses but the only bacteria it seems to threaten is the user. So if a robber kicks in your door at night offer them a bath. Even if it doesn't kill them right away you're contributing to public hygiene.

Does a hermit wipe his ass after a dump? How the hell should I know? They put more perfume and lotion in toilet paper than you'll find on an octogenarian escort. I see clean shaven hobos while half the guys working in the banks look like John Brown. 

The only thing the UnAffordable Care Act has managed so far is making millions of people sick with frustration and worry. The Republicans have been sick over it since it was passed but haven't found any remedy. Just let the illness run its course and you should be feeling better in time to croak. 

Don Arrup

Satire1

Why Single People Shouldn't Own Cellphones

Man on subway platform with an empty train sitting in front of him

"Hello, me? I'm going to be late. There's some type of holdup with the trains. I don't know how long it will be so don't make dinner until I get there. And it will be the usual one for dinner. Okay? Hope you get this message in time."

Woman sitting at a restaurant table looking at her phone sitting on the table setting opposite her thinking: 

I used to sit home and wait for that damn thing to ring.

College student in a very used car stuck in traffic

"Hey, dude, I'm not going to make the concert. Let me know what you want to do when you figure out where you are. Later."

Woman with legs standing in the middle of a busy sidewalk

"Who are you? How did you get my number? I know I have great legs. I only give my number to cute, civilized men, not assholes. I don't want you ever calling this number again unless it's about my legs."

Don Arrup

Satire1

Why I Won't Miss November

Cell Phones on Airline Flights

"We're going down. We're going down. There is nothing under this plane but air!"

Forty Hours is Full Time?

You're either on salary/commission and working 60 or working under 33. Four Senators claim the 30 hour definition for ObamaCare would cut workers hours. What planet do they work on? Forty hours is standard for government workers (disappearing and covered already) and factory jobs (gone).

JFK Conspiracy Theories

It's been fifty years. Yeah, we can probably figure it out now.

Senate Votes To End Filibuster

Senators will have to get their Dr. Seuss on their own time. The Cat In The Hat will come back. You heard it here first.

Iranian Nuke Clock Strikes Zero

Invest in marshmallows.

Food Stamps Cut, Farm Subsidies Untouched

Seventy per cent of farm subsidies go to huge corporate farms growing Frankengrains. Ronald McDonald will not go hungry.

Vatican Modernizes Official Church Language

Pedophile priests only allowed to use pig latin.

ObamaCare Website

Don Arrup

Satire1

Popeye Doesn't Live Here Anymore

It has been common knowledge among primary school children for generations that Popeye the Sailor Man lived in a garbage can throughout the period of American Ascendancy. Many attributed his fall from national hero and icon of American machismo to the decline of the nation's maritime industry and an ugly divorce from Olive Oil over the paternity of Sweet Pea (recent DNA tests affirm it was in fact Wellington Wimpy). So the question that has troubled the American people since the onset of the Great Recession remained: If Popeye the Sailor Man lived in a garbage can in good times, then where the hell is he living now?

Some experts on cultural matters and professional Popeyeists contend that Popeye, born January 17, 1929 in Thimble Theater, is deceased. His inadequate housing and diet of worms could only be survived by a younger cartoon as chronic exposure and lack of fiber probably compromised his ability to spit out the germs. While the Veterans Administration refused to close the case on one of the Navy's greatest WW2 heroes contending that millions of Americans live in WalMart whack ups, the modular sheet rock (pronounced shit rock) pre fab plastic plumbing disasters mounted on poured concrete and two by four skeletons. The VA contends that the vast majority of modern housing offers less protection and security than the metal trashcan Popeye made his castle. 

Forces in the construction industry have taken issue with the VA's pronouncements claiming that since the American Dream was quietly assassinated in the late Seventies their cardboard mansions offer an effective facade of respectability and affluence which is all most Americans ever wanted in the first place. Owners can point to their high utility bills and crushing mortgage payments as proof that they have "made it" and that many of the modern houses built in areas without weather should holdup for many generations of rabbits and fruit flies. 

The Popeye controversy recently peaked when students of the University of Baltimore followed up rumors in homeless shelters that Popeye had recovered the inheritance left by his Pappy and bought a newly constructed home in Baldwin, Md. The old salt who refused to be photographed or videotaped had a squint right eye, corncob pipe and chin like a baby's fanny claimed that his steel trash can had finally rusted out after sixty years and he couldn't replace it with one that wasn't made in China so he reluctantly bought the house. 

"This be a very pretty trash can but too's big for me. The landlubbers that's live here need 'em cause they gots so much crap and they likes to keep it organized so's it like everybody's got their own indoors garbage scow."

Asked by the BU students if he felt his new circumstances would change him he replied, "I yam what I yam be it in this or the old trash can."

Don Arrup

Satire1

Chaos.gov

Satire1 gained access to the God Help Me office of the Affordable Care Act Initiative Strike Force to find out what questions citizens were asking regarding their new health care choices. We spoke to Faceless Bureaucrat who runs the secret unit of economists, communists and insurance experts who some suspect understand the system.

S1

What was the most frequently asked questions from those who called or logged into your website?

FB

Can I keep my current health insurance.

S1

And will they?

FB

Get real.

S1

Besides debunking that fantasy what was the most frequently asked question by men?

FB

Will my new policy still pay for my Viagra.

S1

And will most policies still cover that fun saving drug?

FB

All policies will cover Viagra which now will be the primary therapy for impotence, incontinence, high blood pressure, heart disease, prostate cancer and depression to name a few. 

S1

What do women ask?

FB

They wanted to know if their health plans would finally stop giving their husbands Viagra.

S1

What were the concerns of parents?

FB

Would their plan cover elective surgery to remove their kids from their backs.

S1

For ObamaCare to work large numbers of young adults have to sign up. Has that been happening?

FB

Only the young hypochondriacs and the ones with previous conditions.

S1

Do you believe that a majority of younger adults will enroll?

FB

Yes, but by the time we get this system working they won't be young anymore. 

Don Arrup

Satire1

Halloween Horror Schedule 2013

FOX NEWS SCREAM FEST

4pm   Cruz To Nowhere

6pm   Tea Party Challenger

8pm   Rush To Limbaugh

10pm  Tomb Of The Entitlements

12am  The Severed Elephant

MSNBC HORRORWEEN

4pm   You Can Keep Your Health Care Plan

6pm   Syria Don't Dare

8pm   Sequestration

10pm  Baron Boehner's Blood Bath

12am  Return Of The Grizzly Mom

Don Arrup

Satire1

Sequestration Forecast

Hello, I'm Pooh Clark with today's weather forecast. The National Weather Service though heavily defunded and downsized reports that there still will be weather today with chances of sun, clouds and precipitation. Precipitation could come in the form of rain, freezing rain, snow, hail or sleet. Winds are expected to come from somewhere with a grandmother's advisory of possible winter storms, hurricanes, tornados, floods, lightning and wildfires. So be sure to wear clothing before leaving your home.

A travel advisory is still in effect for anyone going anywhere as traffic lights, toll booths, railroads and air ports are being operated on the honor system. Arriving planes at municipal airports will be given clearance in alphabetical order using the first letter of the pilot's middle name. 

Sunrise should take place sometime this morning in the East and linger over the Northern Hemisphere for twelve hours before setting in the West this evening. The Moon may or may not be visible tonight. No large meteors or comets are expected to arrive in the next twenty-four hours. 

Temperatures could range between minus 459 degrees Fahrenheit (Absolute zero) and 10 million (Sun surface). But most meteorologists are confident that we will experience fluctuations in the comfortable middle recorded range of minus 128 F and 134. So go out in a bikini but bring along that parka just in case it gets chilly.

With Fall just around the corner the precise moment of the Autumnal Equinox in your area can be calculated by standing a chicken egg on its head. The same method the country's leaders in Washington are using to balance the federal budget.

So before we go to commercial break let's talk briefly about yesterday's weather and when we come back we'll go over the entire weather picture for last week and we even have the temperatures.

Don Arrup

Satire1

Fall Movies 2013

Bears Eating Babies 2

Bless Me Father But Don't Touch Me

There Will Be Cum

Violence, The Movie

I Lost My Cellphone!

Tweet Story

That's Not My Leg

Super Something

Gay Marriage- The Rehearsal Dinner

Teenage Girl Saves World Not Worth Saving

Gestapo Nights

Satan Has A Facebook Page

Sorority Slaughter

High School Football Assholes

Cute Cartoon In Trouble

Cute Cartoon In More Trouble

Life On Earth Is Over (Documentary)

Big Car

To Mock A Killing Bird

Don Arrup

Satire1

Paw And Maw Santo

Satire1 visited Squeezebox, Nebiowadaho to talk to America's farmers Paw and Maw Santo who subsist by selling only 85-93% of the corn, soybean, cotton and canola seeds in the country about the legal persecution they've been suffering at the hands of family and organic farmers who use the wind to steal their patented seeds. 

Maw

"Paw and I have spent years using the Bible and the Constitution of the United States to change the genes of our crops to resist communism, atheism, vermin and the poison we sell for pin money and here all these hippies and families with their few hundred acres think they can just steal our seeds and not pay us."

Paw

"There's over 3,000 of these thieves organized by some lawyers into a mafia to stop us from claiming what is rightfully ours forcing us to get by on just eleven billion a year and what with inflation and cable costs going up-"

Maw

"-if you want to see the good shows on TV."

Paw

"You tell him, Maw."

Maw

"And we only have about 40 Senators and a couple of hundred Congressmen at our troth and what with Jews and Puerto Ricans and other radicals on the Supreme Court I don't see how a little family corporation like ours is to have a chance.

Paw

"This is the same court telling women they own their own breasts."

Maw

"This is why girls in Los Angeles are going around without bras."

Paw

"Spreading their breast cancer like influenza among the unsuspecting population."

Maw

"That's why even nuns and widows are getting it now."

Paw

"They think those pink ribbons are going to protect them."

Maw

"The color pink is a carcinogen."

Paw

"And it turns people gay."

Maw

"Even if they're married. And all these gay couples getting married and having gay babies who won't eat our corn."

Paw

"Pink is really just communist red whitewashed to seduce teenage girls into spreading their legs for FaceBook and these other meat market white slavery sites on the internet."

Maw

"It's anti-corn is what it is."

Paw

"We sell white corn, blue corn, yellow and Indian corn seeds but we won't make no pink corn seeds."

Maw

"Like those Castro people did down in Florida with the god fearing yellow grapefruit."

Paw

"And our pesticide only poisons the socialists and illegal immigrants that steal work from struggling Americans."

Maw

"Those Hispanics ought to go back to Spain where they belong."

Paw

"Those lawyers and hippies want to use their grandfather's seeds when God gave the grain seeds to Maw and me to improve and be fruitful with."

Maw

"They're saying the wind put our seeds in their fields. Well, we don't have no contract with the wind."

Paw

"All part of their Global Warming scam to rob struggling multinationals out of the meager living they eke out of the world's resources."

Maw

"The bunch of bullies."

Paw

"So you go on down to your local farmers market and ask them if they use our seeds."

Maw

"And if they don't you tell them to stop stealing from Paw and me."

Paw

"And stop giving us breast cancer and making our babies gay."

Don Arrup

Satire1

Date Night

As the United Nations General Assembly Circus continues President Obama missed his hand job with Iranian President Hassan Rouhani but did give him a call when he was on his way home from the prom.

Ob

"Hey Hass, whassup."

Ro

"Just chillin, Bammy."

Ob

"How'd you like world jam?"

Ro

"Chow was good but there's never enough chicks at these things."

Ob

"Your translator looked fine."

Ro

"Yeah, stacked too but I can get a translator back home. You know, in New York a guy wants some strange."

Ob

"Why do you think I finished out my undergrad at Columbia."

Ro

"What did you major in at Columbia?"

Ob

"Alcohol."

Ro

"You and Bushy. I know that is the most popular major in your country but in Persia we don't drink alcohol. But we have hookie."

Ob

"I majored in hookie in high school."

Ro

"Hookie is very nice. Only thing better than hookie is nookie."

Ob

"Well, you've got that right. Look, Hass, I would have invited you to my crib for some interns but since Bill-"

Ro

"I know all about it. Jewish girl on her knees five times a day and not praying to Allah."

Ob

"The good old days."

Ro

"You should have been in Tehran for the revolution."

Ob

"The Americans there didn't feel very welcome."

Ro

"But that was a long time ago. Like a blow job. When it's over it's over. Nothing happened."

Ob

"Yeah, but Hezbollah-"

Ro

"There's a lot of angry people. I can't do anything about that. My government has a lot of angry people.  Just like your government. You want to be president you need crazy people's vote. I need. You need."

Ob

"True enough. But the nuclear thing."

Ro

"Ah, the nuclear thing. I knew you were going to bring that up."

Ob

"Like a boner on a honeymoon-"

Ro

"Once it comes up it ain't going away. We all understand this."

Ob

"Any ideas?"

Ro

"So you, Bammy, have thousands of nuclear weapons, on missiles, in planes, submarines and artillery shells and you're afraid we're going to make a couple of fat boys."

Ob

"We have them so we don't have to use them,"

Ro

"Right. You explain to people of Japan. So we need same. We need them so we won't use them."

Ob

"You have Russia to cover your ass."

Ro

"We have Pooty. Pooty is our umbrella. Soon as Pooty goes anything goes. And Israel still has."

Ob

"We need you to follow the treaty."

Ro

"First you make Israel follow treaty. When Israel follows and inspectors find all their nukes then we agree."

Ob

"Ain't gunna happen."

Ro

"Ancient Israel was around for maybe four grandfathers, five at most. And this was before Mohamed. Then they come back after Hitler's killed and want it back. This is like a postman who knocked on your door and asked to use the bathroom. You let him. Forty years later he's retired. No bag. No uniform. He knocks on your door again and claims your bathroom is his because he took a dump there forty years ago."

Ob

"But JC was born there."

Ro

"JC was a very great prophet, the Koran gives him much praise, but he was a Roman Jew not an Israeli Jew."

Ob

"They ain't going away, Haas."

Ro

"This is why we need nuclear bomb. Pooty comes. Pooty goes. Even if Israel gives up all its nukes they still have you. Who Iran got?"

Ob

"Iran has Israel coming for them. Believe it or not, I'm the best friend you've got."

Ro

"I have Revolutionary Guard. You have Tea Party. I can't control Revolutionary Guard. Can you control Tea Party? And then you have Benji. Benji says Iran threatens Israel and all he does is threaten Iran."

Ob

"Well, your predecessor Afterdinnerjacket said something about wiping Israel out."

Ro

"He was Revolutionary Guard. I'm liberal. Do I hold you to what Bushy said?"

Ob

"This is all a tease, Hass, which is fine since I'm outside your neighborhood but pretty soon Benji is going to demand you put out or he'll put you out."

Ro

"What's your point, Bammy?"

Ob

"Even the American people realize that there is nothing I or anyone in our gang can do to control this. Things are crazy right now-"

Ro

"You don't have to tell me."

Ob

"I'm glad we're talking but there is nothing I can do if there isn't some action soon."

Don Arrup

Satire1

Green Eggs And Cruz

In a 21 hour filibuster speech Senator Cruz of Texas held up the chamber's vote on the House Budget Bill without ever really explaining why he doesn't like green eggs and ham. In the guise of reading to his daughters via CNN, Senator Cruz read Dr. Seuss's entire manifesto on intellectualism and demagoguery creating a new homosexual communist world order. 

Senator A

"I knew Senator Cruz was a communist but I didn't know he was gay."

Senator B

"I knew Senator Cruz was gay but I had no idea he was a communist."

Senator C

"I knew Senator Cruz was gay and a communist but I never suspected he could read."

Senator D

"I knew Senator Cruz was gay, communist and literate but I didn't know he was Jewish."

Senator E

"I wanted to hear The Cat in the Hat."

Senator F

"I'm a little wary of the eggs they serve in the Senate Dining Hall."

Senator G

"I don't eat anything green. Period."

Senator H

"I don't eat anything green and anything that can't scream."

Senator I

"Sam I am is one of my constituents and what a lot of people don't realize is that he raises pigs and chickens."

Senator J

"The green eggs are intellectuals and academics (eggheads) without any real world experience and the hams are the politicians and talking heads spouting their ignorance in the media. The box Sam I am won't eat them on is television and the fox he refuses as a dining companion is Fox News.  Since most people read their papers or listen to the radio in the morning they're pretty much our national breakfast."

Senator 

"Cruz said something about health care but it only distracted from egg story."

Don Arrup

Satire1

Emancipation

Dear Friends,

Some of you are familiar with my views on prostitution. I have never viewed it as amoral and believe it should be legal. Many marriages and relationships are prostitution and given an empty respectability for their real or portrayed monogamy. Like Prohibition and the War on Drugs, this situation has simply empowered the worst elements of national and international criminality. Our legal system has only facilitated sex trafficking and "white" slavery by punishing the victims while letting go the customers who in some instances are shamed by having their names published for needing sex. It wasn't until the end of the Clinton Administration that the Justice Department began to look into the enslavement and rape for profit that has ruined the lives of tens of thousands of young people every year. The JD under the Bush Administration admirably began addressing this horror movie reality as a priority.

But the FBI are not the ones who bust whore houses. Local authorities in the vast majority of states follow local laws and end up arresting and imprisoning kidnapped boys, girls and women, treating them as criminals rather than victims. They do not rescue them.

This has been of special concern to me as an American. I love the writing and sentiment of the Declaration of Independence but feel that it was a crock of shit. I would have never signed the Constitution of the United States. We did not even begin to drag toward anything anyone could call freedom and liberty until the most important battle of our Civil War, the fight for the Thirteenth Amendment (beautifully portrayed in the recent film "Lincoln").

Not only in my country but in my hometown and adopted city slavery has been allowed to continue. Locking up and deporting rape victims, many of whom are not welcomed back to their former homes, has done nothing to hurt the business model of the sex slave trade which discards their victims after a few years as their market value (youth and beauty) are quickly consumed. 

Finally, New York state, the immigrant state to this day, is addressing this injustice. 

http://www.nytimes.com/2013/09/26/nyregion/special-courts-for-human-trafficking-and-prostitution-cases-are-planned-in-new-york.html?hp&_r=0

Hopefully this initiative will prove successful and a model for the rest of the country.

I apologize for this piece's lack of humor, which though perfectly valid and often more effective in communicating the essence of an issue, but I wanted you all to be aware of a little noted change in a part of our society that could prove to be a small but very real turning point in this country's unending struggle to manifest its highest ideals.    

Don Arrup

Author of Satire1

Rice Putin

President Obama in his primetime address to the nation last Tuesday used the phrase "American Exceptionalism" to explain why his speech clarified nothing about his plans to address the Syrian government's use of chemical weapons on their own population. The consensus among talking heads and louder asses was that he was using AE to denote the country's unique origin and circumstances rather than the neo-conservative notion of United States superiority. 

"American Exceptionalism" was originally coined by Joey Steel (Joseph Stalin) in a letter chastising American communists for excusing our country from the greater historical forces that plague the rest of the world. He sent the letter in 1928, one year before the Stock Market Crash and the Great Depression that followed proved he was right. 

Before the inspection/destruction joke was offered, Russia's president Vladimir Putin wrote an Op Ed piece in the New York Times taking issue with Obama's vague utterances. Putin, a former KGB agent, probably had the speech decoded into something intelligible enough to argue with. As Obama's speech and Putin's rebuttal stole the front pages through the weekend, Satire1 took to the streets and corridors of power to find out if anyone anywhere has any idea what they are talking about besides just bombing Syria into the Stone Age.

Senator Zee

"I think ole Joe is still running Russia. Don't they have his brain in some bowl all wired up to a gabbaphone?"

Tex Mexas

"Obama said he was going to bomb Syria because the evidence is clear that the children and old people we kill with our bombs don't suffer."

Kelly Cockroach

"This government and its citizens have been using chemical weapons against my species for over a hundred years and nobody says nothing."

Governor Heep

"Rootin Tootin Putin is just trying to confuse the American people with his clear argument and prose. It's a dirty communist trick."

Tori Pone

"You have Hezbollah on the government's side fighting Al Qaeda on the rebel's side. Doesn't that mean they're both our allies now?"

Senator John McCain

"I told the president we should have armed the rebels before we found out who they were. Now we look stupid."

Don Arrup

Satire1

Who's Driving The Bus?

As unseasonal heat returns to the streets of ole New York, elections, like adolescent erections, have popped up, primaries for the parties, liar's poker on a billion dollar scale. The whole damn Apple is up for sale. Who wants to take the blame for the next four years?

At the United Nations, Russia plays roulette with chemical weapons. Obama tap dances on Republican faces. The public doesn't want war. Washington will give them more. Arab Spring, Rebel's Summer and Washington's Fall.

As China goes on hacking, Big Oil continues fracking, Americans drive cars made by Welfare corporations like our adopted industrial farms all financed by banks using Uncle Sam's credit card.

Damn it's hot. The city's an August parking lot. I want beer, bikini'd women and a beach to park my rear. But Labor's weekend's come and gone. The end of summer's song. And it's back to work if you have it again.

Don Arrup

Satire1

Supreme Court Rules All Marriage Unconstitutional

After upholding most of the Unaffordable Health Care Act the Supreme Court issued a far more important and sweeping verdict that the marriage between any two individuals is unconstitutional and in violation of the guarantees of liberty and due process under the law. 

In a six to three decision justices sided with the State of Delaware that only corporations had the right to marry and that churches and Justices of the Peace have been soaking the public offering illegal legitimacy to sexual relationships making us a country of "pimps and whoes."

The National Association of Divorce Lawyers whose services will no longer be required had argued for the institution of marriage and promised to find another case to protect the institution of divorce.

"The verdict is inconclusive regarding divorce. Over half of married couples chose divorce proving it is the more popular and necessary institution. The Court's ruling today denying states the power to recognize matrimony as a legal relationship does not necessarily mean that the states can not recognize divorce."

"Basically, if you were married this morning before the verdict was released you are now shacked up. The ruling doesn't prohibit you referring to yourself as married. The right to lie was upheld in a First Amendment Case verdict today protecting the right of scumbags to claim they were war heroes."

Lobbyists for caterers, florists, dressmakers, magazine vendors and Karaoke machine manufactures vowed to find another case to bring to the high bench.

Justice Scalia uncharacteristically explained his voting with the majority before getting into his sedan. "I married my whoe even though I knew it was wrong. I thought the issue of gay marriage would expose matrimony for what it was and force us to strike it down. I did it because my whoe wanted it. She needed and still needs the lie. I always knew I was wrong, my parents were wrong and their parents. Marriage is not only unconstitutional it is un-American."

The Federal Bureau of Investigation is charged with disarming Justices of the Peace, clergy, Elvis imitators and boat captains who work the various now illegal "hitch houses."

Justice Kagan, the only justice on today's court to have never been entrapped, commented:

"It's all been just one multigenerational romantic Ponzi scheme. Basically a couple of copulators get together and copulate themselves a commune composed of the fruits of their degeneracy and then lord over them for a couple of decades and then send them out to expand the commune. Family is just the Madison Avenue Disney Sunday school name for communism."

Justice Sotomayor, who divorced in 1983 and voted with the majority, said:

"Though I knew at the time that my marriage couldn't possibly be legal it was the only way to obtain a divorce which had always been my ambition. Though this ruling does not necessarily protect divorce it opens the possibility for citizens to obtain a legal divorce protected by the courts without all the messy emotional and financial entanglements of marriage."

Justice Kennedy weighed in:

"It has been a supreme injustice that the rewards of divorce have been denied to citizens simply because they had the sense and the decency to avoid marriage. Religious institutions which depend on familial enslavement to populate their constituencies can recognize any relationship they want and call them whatever they wish but soon we hope to have a case that will force them and everyone to recognize divorce."

A spokesperson for Michelle Obama said that since the institution of the First Lady has become associated with being a spouse of the executive that she be referred to as Top Moll from now on. Former spouses of Governors and Mayors are considering Big Squeeze, Head Hancho, Stud Bud and Puddins as their new titles.

Don Arrup

Satire1

Don't Budge

At home with the Budgets. Bud Budget likes to make money. Money is something you accumulate. Bunny Budget likes to spend money. Dollar birds should be free and fly away after they tickle your palms. Tonight, the Budgets are ordering out. 

Bud wants to go Chinese. Bunny likes Italian. Bud says the Italians service is slow and the food too expensive because they pay a living wage. Food made by drudges is healthier and costs less. You order Chinese and you are master. Order Italian and you are a paisan. Bunny fears that the sweat kitchen workers don't have health insurance and will cough on the rice. Bud says that there is only so much health to go around and we Americans are lucky to have immigrants to be sick for us.

Both Budgets love Sushi but Bud says with the kids in college they can't afford it. Bunny says put it on the credit card. Not with our mortgage and falling assets, Bud replies. Bunny calls Bud a cold fish. 

The Budgets take a break from the discussion to snack on chips. Two bags later they're down to melba toast topped with peanut butter and it is becoming an argument. Bud suggests they compromise and order from the Korean place. Bunny says the old owner's son just died and the grandson has just taken over. Nobody in the whole restaurant looks as if they've eaten in weeks except for him.

They're down to the last of the peanut butter which they scoop with their fingers when Bunny suggests the Greek place. Bud says they've been ravaged by bill collectors and probably don't even have a pizza oven anymore. Bunny says that is all the more reason to patronize them or they will close and drug dealers and banksters will take over the mall. Bud says that Big Bank and Big Pharma have been there for years but they only rob people during the day.

Bunny suggests Mexican as a compromise. They're underpaid and exploited. Bud agrees but says the guy who delivers the food won't leave. He'll want to mow the lawn or fix the roof. He'll offer such a cheap deal we won't be able to turn him away. That's how they exploit us. 

Bud shouts Quickie Burger. Bunny says she doesn't eat factory food. Real hunger starts to set in. Bunny says they'll have to start growing their own food if they are ever going to eat again. Bud spills out his wallet and demands they eat the money. Not the Dollar Birds says Bunny. Bud says eat them before they're taxed away. 

Don Arrup

Satire1

Beach Blanket Bunko

Early 60's teen idol Frankie Avalon testified under oath today in the ninth circuit court of appeals in California that he participated in what some public intellectuals are referring to as perhaps the biggest cultural Ponzi scheme perpetrated in the Twentieth Century. Avalon admitted that he accepted cash enumerations to portray himself as a teenager on spring break pursuing the late Annette Funicello though both were happily married and raising children with their spouses. 

The entire ruse was filmed at Big Sur in 1962 as part of a bogus documentary released to the American public under the title Beach Party, a study of California surfing culture. Aided by former Playboy centerfolds and sons of washed up Hollywood has beens, American International Archeological Pictures continued the series of seven propaganda films portraying California teenagers as fun loving, horny erotic dancers and athletes who might break into song at any moment. 

The Golden State Tourism Board has been under investigation for fifty years since the release of Beach Party as questions arose to Avalon's and Funicello's actual ages, the proliferation of perfect bodies and the source of the background accompaniment to the extemporaneous singing. The FBI and Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco, Firearms and Bikinis has retired agents whose entire careers were spent in hunting down the still elusive Big Daddy.

So successful was the scam that other big player con men enlisted Nancy Sinatra, Bob Denver and James Darren to lie about their age and submit to phony home movies of their beach and surfing exploits. An entire genre of popular music took over the airwaves created by suburban kids who had never even seen the ocean and commanded the top of the charts until the Beatles (four British virgins who had never been to second base) invaded with their four part harmony love songs. 

Avalon, who had testified under immunity, afterward told the press that it was only the passing of Funicello last year that allowed him to consider going to the authorities and finally put the controversy to rest. 

"It was a heavy burden to bear for half a century but we did it for love. For love of the music, for Southern California but most of all for love of the money."

Family members of Funicello confessed that Walt Disney was treating Annette like a rented mule after she busted out of her Mickey Mouse Club sweater and that after a childhood spent on the deception and depravity of the big ears Annette needed a new lie, an even bigger lie to smother the shame of the first. 

Avalon went on to admit that he had never surfed in his life and that the scientific evidence presented to the public was done with a back screen similar to the technique used in movie making. 

This revelation comes as a god send to the descendants of Eric Von Zipper whose garden cycle club fought heroically throughout the process to expose the scam. 

Don Arrup

Satire1

Call To War

President Obama addressed the nation in his weekly radio address on the Top Dollars For Your Gold and Cartoon Network channels on Tuesday morning.

"Good morning. I would like to take this time to inform the American people that I have ordered the armed forces of the United States to invade the territories of Alaska and Hawaii in a pre-emptive strike against their imperial masters Russia and Japan. I want the American people to understand that this decision was not made lightly or in haste. I have had three full bowel movements since the proposal to plunge us into war with what were intended to be our forty-ninth and fiftieth states was made. 

Now, I know, some of you are asking yourselves, why declare war on two areas that we kinda think of as being a part of this country. But are they? Alaska is northern Puerto Rico, a huge welfare state and black hole for the tax dollars of the lower forty eight, politically controlled by an oil company, where the inhabitants practice rugged individualism while living off of kickbacks from the billions we invested in the pipeline. 

And Hawaii? Come on. No one is from Hawaii. No one ever was from Hawaii. They were a small group of flop islands for Pacific Islanders and Pirates since men first got in boats. The whole magilla is nothing more than a tourist rest stop between the Americas and Philippines. That's why anyone who has no idea where they were born says they're from Hawaii- including myself. 

This wasn't an easy decision to make. The White House has been in consultation with the leaders of both parties in Congress who agree that if either had an NFL or NBA team they could spared. But their continued presence within striking distance of our shores must be addressed and the American people's safety is always our top priority.

The potential benefits of an invasion, followed by an expulsion of the squatting populations, are almost too numerous to list. First, this will send a clear message to Russia that their policy of arming Syria and Iran will not be tolerated. To Japan, that the theft of factory jobs from American corporations in China must end. To the world financial community that the federal government is willing to make the necessary sacrifices by axing both a solid red and solid blue state in a spirit of true bipartisanship. And to the world that America can still actually win a war despite having history's largest and most expensive military.    

As I speak the Pacific Naval Task Force in Pearl Harbor has all but closed the noose on the ports of Hawaii as the Second Marine Division lands on the beaches of Honolulu. The Air Force's Strategic Bomber Command is leveling Fairbanks and Juno in Alaska as the Army marches up into Canada to join forces with their army to end the threat to our mutual borders. 

The full force of the North Atlantic Treaty Organization is being mobilized to supply the sunscreen and fur coats our troops will need to bring this crisis to a successful and complete conclusion. Not since the Great War of Grenada has the resolve of the American people been so tested. We can't fix any of our real problems so it is time to make up problems we can fix. 

So go to your nearest convenience store and treat yourself to a tall cool drink and a bag of candy and shoot anyone who doesn't look like you. Thank you and God bless America."

Don Arrup

Satire1

High Waisted Pants

I tend to listen better 

When I'm only half dressed

And find uncharacteristic humility

Half naked

A fact never lost on my wife

And common knowledge among doctors

The riot act read

As I sit on the examination table

Feet hanging off the edge

Feel like a kid while the Doc says I'm aged

Doc's right, of course

Right

Fried food doesn't taste good

Too much meat in the world

Salads satisfy

Cigars take too much time

And everyone everywhere

Loves to exercise

The watery decaf compliments perfectly

The bowl of crumbs

Soaking in the blue milk

Yum yum yum

Diet beer, soda water in wine

Bed before the news

Sex

Less frequent than crime

Age is all in the mind

If you don't look down

Or carry groceries up stairs

Or waste your time 

Counting hairs

Not so bad after a while

Soon you learn again to smile

But you never go back to the doctor

To feel better

Don Arrup

Satire1

Colonoscopy

(SCENE: The deepest office in Saudi Arabia's Al Mukhabarat Al A'amah (General Intelligence Presidency-GIP). BIG MO behind big desk questions X MO standing at attention in front of.)

BIG

And what did Doctor Wahzoo find there?

X

Six polyps in a configuration of four bunched closely together with one satellite on each opposing end . 

BIG

Syria, Israel, Iran and Arabia with the United States and Russia just around their respected corners. Were the polyps removed?

X

The doctor couldn't without legislation from Congress which would have to be reviewed by the Supreme Court.

BIG

And even the Japanese can't make a drone small enough to swallow.

X

If they could they couldn't let the Chinese know.

BIG

And China owns the President Obama's colon. What of Obama's former opponent Senator McCain? Do we have anything on his constitution?

X

He received a clean bill of health from the Mayonnaise Clinic in Minnesota when he ran in 2008.

BIG

When even Obama was a young man. McCain wants intervention. He even intervened across Syria's border to talk to the rebels. What did see?

X

The same as Doctor Wahzoo no doubt.

BIG

Hezbollah.

X MO

McCain wants Obama to ground Syria's air support and arm the rebels with Stinger missiles. 

BIG MO

The air. The air. What makes McCain think that even the full bore of American military might can stop what is in the air?

X MO

Or stop the seasons. Our Arab Spring is inevitably turning to hot summer. In the glare of the desert sun only Shia and Sunni will be apparent. 

BIG MO

History is as open as a book. The sand will be red.

X MO

Your orders, Big Mo?

BIG MO

Like there is anything I or Obama or Putin can do?

X MO

Our absolute control of the American Health Care chaos may be slipping with the implementation of ObamaCare. It is as unpredictable as our region. 

BIG MO

American Health Care is the Middle East. Facebook and Twitter annihilated geography. Distance and time roam with Einsteinian freedom. The only borders left are the edges of maps. National identities don't extend beyond street corners. And every man and woman hourly re-calibrates their relationship to Allah and the devil dollar. 

X MO

I have to go to the bathroom.

BIG MO

Good. Good for you. But why go to the bathroom when you could go to the United States Congress? We need an analysis of those polyps. We need an endoscopy of President Obama and what's that camera they swallow for the small intestine?

X MO

Enteroscopy.

BIG MO

We need a complete picture of the primary canal of President Obama. An analysis of his very core. Syria has gone chemical, Iran nuclear, Israel ballistic, Egypt berserk, China aggressive, Japan reactionary, Africa fundamentalist all while Canada lurks in the shadow of its Hollywood brother. 

X MO

There is nothing we can do about Canada.

BIG MO

Allah took all the sins and failings of men and made Canada. But you can get a good deal on a colonoscopy there.

X MO

That's how they make you a Canadian.

Don Arrup

Satire1