A Well Regulated Militia

"A well regulated Militia, being necessary to the security of a free State, the right of the people to keep and bear arms, shall not be infringed."

Amendment II to the Constitution of the United States

Back in the mid-eighties, I taught a Head Start class in what was the biggest high school in the United States. Clifton Park High School in Baltimore City was in a poor neighborhood and like many high schools in Baltimore had a reputation for violence. Since the school never attracted enough students to approach capacity the city put part of its Pre K program and Morgan State University's Head Start program in the lower floors in the back of the school. 

The whole pre school section of the Clifton Park was off limits to the high school students as was the back of the school where our students were dropped and picked up. Within weeks of the semester two murders of high school students by classmates occurred. Both deaths were caused by handguns- a 357 Magnum (Dirty Harry's massive pistol) and a 38 cal.  And both occurred right outside the door our children used just minutes before their release. 

Shooting deaths in and around Baltimore public schools were not uncommon and no action was taken to my knowledge to remedy the high school students violating our area. The police had a regular presence in the front of the massive building where the older students were supposed to enter and exit but I felt that the troublemakers were almost forced to our back side for their gang, drug and violent activities. 

I was shocked after the second shooting to find administrators explaining that we did not need a police presence outside our doors at the end of the school day because the high schoolers were not supposed to be there. 

I raised hell threatening to go to editors I had worked with as a freelance journalist and alienated the few allies I had in the program. In the anxious days following the second shooting I contemplated bringing a handgun with me to school to protect the children in my charge. Finally, we got our patrol car and I could go back to worrying about the educational and social needs of the kids. 

I relate this story to you in light of the recent massacre in New Town, Connecticut. I listen to the experts and politicians speculate on how we might better protect our children and I don't hear any answers. And I don't have any answers though it is a topic I have mulled in my heart and mind for decades. 

The Supreme Court has recently interpreted the Second Amendment to our Constitution as granting a right to individuals to own and bear arms. I'm not sure how they reasoned it so and personally do not care. The amendment is a grammatical disaster composed of four clauses linked by commas. The term "the people" is a collective term seen in the Preamble as "We the people of the United States." When the Constitution refers to the rights of individuals it usually uses the term "citizens."

How a right not to be infringed can be extracted from a sentence that begins with "A well regulated Militia" followed by a subordinate clause "being necessary to the security of a free State" I can't imagine. I am not a Constitutional scholar nor can I read the minds of the long dead framers of our founding document though Justice Scalia and Thomas claim to. 

That said, I do believe that Americans with full citizenship rights should be able to own a hand gun or simple hunting rifle. When our founding fathers were alive it took around a minute to load a single shot into a rifle or pistol. Nothing short of an artillery piece of their time could have produced anything near the slaughter we are seeing increasing in our society.

I am not against gun ownership but against semi and fully automatic weapons, large magazines and any other weapon that was developed for battlefield conditions being in hands of private citizens. Though background checks probably are helpful the shooter at New Town shot and stole the weapons of his first victim, his mother. Her sanity did not keep the weapons out of the hands of her disturbed son.

If you feel that you can not protect your home without a machine gun you probably should move. If you have fought for this country I regret that you do not have a right to a weapon similar to the one you used in that service anymore than you have a right to a tank or fighter plane. 

These are my thoughts and feelings and the only expertise I can claim is that I know what it is to worry about having children in my charge shot down. It is not something that happened somewhere else to someone else. It was my kids. In my backyard. 

As always, I invite your comments to my blog. 

Don Arrup

Satire1

Right Brain Left Hand

President Obama addressed the nation on national radio.

My fellow Americans, as we are all aware a sizable portion of our neighbors are still struggling and those who always struggle are in desperate straights. We here in Washington, both Republicans and Democrats, are trying our best to deal with the country’s wars and crises and we are not getting the job done.

The first thing that both parties have to do now is throw away the masks and own up to our true political natures. Only then with all the cards on the table can we have a true political dialog and begin to address the nation’s problems.

Democrats are not socialists. Democrats are communists. Not totalitarian communists but democratic communists. There is certainly not a dictatorship of the proletariat but a dictatorship of special interests and lobbyists. We are elected and if the majority of voters are unhappy with us we surrender our office and return home to meddle in our communities.

The Republicans are the socialists. National Socialists. They allow industries to write their own regulations, are devoted to the military industrial complex and promote the idea that every household is a militia.

We godless hippie tree huggers would rather destroy the entire economy of the Pacific Northwest than endanger an owl even PBS can’t get a picture of while the Bible thumping politically correct racists want the government out of our pockets but checking our genitals if we wish to marry.

These are legitimate political differences that accurately reflect the views of the American people. There is no easy solution but America doesn’t quit when the going gets tough. America gets violent.

I have spoken to Senator Reid and Ex-Speaker Pelosi and together we have invited the Republican leaders to a closed-door session to see if we can find an equitable division of sovereignty between the parties. For instance, the Republicans will control legislation concerning firearms which means there will be no gun control while the Democrats will be free to completely nationalize the health care system.

Republicans can eliminate income, capital gains and death taxes while Democrats raise Social Security and Medicare contributions to the roof. Corporations can continue to regulate themselves while poor people continue to fend for themselves. Our armed services will begin collecting protection funds directly from the American people through their federalized National Guard units. Customs, DEA, FBI, CIA and the federal courts will operate off of confiscations. Air Traffic Control will be eliminated and I doubt anyone will notice.

National Parks will of course have to raise fees to become self sufficient and the States will have to buy disaster area insurance from the private sector. Good luck to Florida and Louisiana. The State Department will become the nation’s sole travel agency and passports will have to be renewed with each trip.

With these changes your entire federal government within ten years time could be running as smoothly and efficiently as Amtrak, the Post Office, Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac.

We are currently in negotiations to sell Alaska back to Russia at a handsome profit and China is considering relieving a sizable portion of our debt in exchange for Hawaii. Neither of these territories ever truly became part of the union as evidenced in their lack of professional ball clubs. They were mistakenly given statehood at the height of Cold War hysteria and with the Berlin Wall long gone it is time to dump these welfare states. And I am a son of Hawaii.

This may sound crazy to the columnists and talking heads but right now we are not willing to do what is necessary to either stimulate the economy or control the debt. Both our economy and war efforts are on life support and we’re compromising every treatment down to an aspirin tablet. Our inaction is turning the America we hand over to our children into a Chinese debtor’s prison. This is not what our Founding Fathers, Marx and Hitler, intended.

Don Arrup

Satire1

2013 No

Tea Party favorite Chris Christie used his power as governor of New Jersey to cancel Halloween in the Garden State to protect children from falling tree limbs and downed power lines left in the wake of super storm Sandy. So far, there is no indication the governor will outlaw Christmas. 

The fate of the new year of 2013 though is sealed. By executive order Governor Christie has cancelled both the New Year and all years following until it can be determined that they present no danger to the citizens of NJ. 

"Our state has just suffered a terrible wallop from Sandy and it will be years before many of our communities will recover. What we don't need just as we start to pick up the debris of 2012 is the thirteenth year of the millennium.  So I have instructed our state and local governments to ignore the standard calendar which was never voted on by the people of New Jersey and simply assign the days, weeks and months following December 31st as 2012 Two."

"I think the people of New Jersey deserve another shot at 2012. We were doing well, recovering from the Great Recession, until an unelected supernatural bureaucrat mother of nature committed this act of terrorism on us."

"President Obama, who has been outstanding in coordinating federal relief with our state and local agencies, supports canceling 2013 if we drop the ball on 2014 the following year."

"This is not a Republican or Democratic issue. This is a I just don't want to face a new year issue."

Don Arrup

Satire1

Sour Grapes

Mitt Romney on a conference call to major donors.

"Its hard to beat a guy who just gives people stuff for free."

"Obama wants to continue to fund the Veteran's Administration to care for soldiers who can't even fight anymore. And Public Television just because they get our children interested in learning. And relief for the Sandy smashed New York metropolitan area. What people who aren't rich are doing living near New York is beyond me."

"Obama Care is going to provide for millions more people. This will practically starve the funeral homes which are family owned businesses. I don't know what he has against entrepreneurs."

"Soon you won't even be able to buy food outside a restaurant without food stamps. If people aren't hungry they won't leave their TV sets."

"So Obama bought his support with your tax dollars but you were right to back me because if I had won you wouldn't have had to pay a dime."

Don Arrup

Satire1

Turkey Pardon Challenged

The Senate Ethics Committee will hold hearings on President Obama's pardoning of Cobbler the Turkey on the eve of  last Thanksgiving. Accusations have surfaced that Cobbler had actually lost the public's internet vote and that it was Gobbler the Turkey who should have been spared. Though the president said that neither bird would be killed no one outside of his daughters and pre school children took him seriously. Gobbler was reported to have been delicious.

Quotes from the buzz:

"Obama didn't have to pardon either of them. He could have eaten them both and you know he wanted to. There's a way a skinny man looks at a fat bird. "

"Cobbler? What are you talking about? If we didn't already have the term 'turkey neck' that feather bag would have forced us to make it up."

"Everybody thinks Gobbler was so buff but I know turkeys and I'm telling you he was obese."

"At my place Obama would have had to pardon a pizza."

"Obama had to pardon Cobbler after UN Ambassador Rice assured the world Gobbler was going down."

"Voters who didn't own a computer or weren't online had to wait hours at libraries to have their voices heard."

"I think the Chinese hacked this election."

"They were both white. Where's the choice?"

"I think the turkey should have pardoned the president."

"I had to chose between two turkeys earlier this month."

Don Arrup

Satire1

Petraeus

As the fallout of General Petraeus and Allen's irregular relations with married star hags continues and computers are confiscated and statements recorded, Satire1 takes to the shadows to find out how the spooks in the field feel about the former CIA Director's infidelity.

Napoleon Solo (Man from U.N.C.L.E.)

"Finally I understand why the THRUSH goons whipped me for fourteen hours because I wouldn't tell them who my biographer was."

China Doll

"As if it wasn't hard enough to seduce these middle aged alcoholic trench coats now we're getting competition from librarians."

White Spy (Mad Magazine's Spy Vs Spy)

"Sleeping with your biographer is just how powerful straight guys have sex with themselves."

Maxwell Smart

"Would you believe the D/CIA risked the security of the country because he was madly in love with a beautiful author? Okay, then would you believe he was fatally attracted to the kindred spirit of a fellow West Point Graduate? How about any any pretty face who flattered him and his wife looks like a pie wagon?"

James Bond

"M would never do that."

Boris Badenov

"I told you they were the real moose and squirrel."

George Smiley

"I guess two unfinished wars, the collapse of Europe, China muscling neighbors and stealing your industrial secrets and upheaval and terrorism throughout the Middle East just isn't enough action for some chaps."

Jack Ryan

"If these honchos who come over here from the Pentagon or the Hill would just spank their monkey like every other married man there wouldn't even be an Al Qaeda."

Don Arrup

Satire1

Soldier Boy

She fell in love with a soldier

But ended up with a spy 

Both married, have kids

And in the public eye

No pictures of her husband

Who was also fed the lies

Spy's wife got a big job

And doubled in her size

Ten years, two wars

Is a long not fucking time

He didn't win the wars

But controlled the mess we made

Sparing lives and treasure

Why shouldn't he get laid?

The big chief seat was taken

Where does a hero go?

To their 24th home

To run the spook show

All the dangers in the world

Not enough to fill his glass

So he reached to Carolina

For some easy ass

But groupies have their rivals

And wars all of their own

Everything's on the internet

Including who you bone

So our nation's greatest strategist

And master of our spies

Couldn't even cover up

A rendezvous with thigh

Don Arrup

Satire1

Plant Kingdom Weighs In

While the news and polling agencies wasted their time interviewing enfranchised Americans on the recent election Satire1 polled members of the plant kingdom as to who they would have preferred command their destiny.

Pumpkins- ornamental and sugar

"Obama is too thin. We don't know if Mormons have an All Saints Day so we don't know if they recognize Halloween but Romney has a Jack O'lantern smile and great hair."

Monsanto GMO Corn

"We don't care. Neither would dare touch our subsidies or the growing monopoly we have on the American and world diet. Romney doesn't drink Bourbon but he likes grits."

Hops

"Romney would have been a disaster for us while Obama's answer to racial profiling and civil unrest is to come in and have a beer."

Sugar Beets

"Michelle Obama is trying to ween your children off sugar and corn syrup in favor of moldy fruits and backyard vegetables. This favoritism is un-American and will end the hard earned attention your children won with their food allergies and asthma."

Tobacco

"Obama smokes on the side and though Romney doesn't the founders of his religion were big chewers. So we consider Romney and his contemporaries as traitors."

Wheat

"Obama has turned a blind eye to corn's Axis like takeover of your groceries. Even once sacred crackers like Saltines are losing ground to tortilla chips. It even has potatoes losing sleep."

Oats

"Mormons are just home grown Quakers so you know where we stand."

Cotton

"Stop picking on us."

Peanut

"I never saw either of them come out of their shell."

Broccoli

"The Latter Day Saints don't condone flatulence and Obama looks too thin to fart so they were a wash for us."

Lima Bean

"Ditto Broccoli."

Navy Bean

"Romney's was definitely our man. More ships more beans."

 Eggplant 

"Which one ordered an eggplant omelet?"

Don Arrup

Satire1

Elephant Rehash

With a sitting president with an approval rating just above Penn State's football coaching staff how did the Republican party manage to reelect him? To liberals Obama was a traitor, to conservatives a liar and to moderates he seemed out to lunch. 

Romney wasted his soundbites explaining that Obama was an honorable man just not up to the job and did nothing but convince unaligned voters that he himself had little integrity and would say anything to win. Romney wanted to be in front of the American people 24/7 and he wanted to hide. When asked about his taxes he asked about Obama's. When asked about Romney Care he criticized Obama Care. When asked about his defense policy he pointed to Obama's. 

Hey, we know Obama. Who are you?

His choice of unambiguous Representative Paul Ryan for VP only made Romney seem more suspect by contrast. He claimed that the government can't create jobs and that he would create 12 million jobs as president. He explained his 47 percent remark about as well as Clinton explained lying about the blow jobs. And finally, he wanted to put the nation's car manufacturers in the hands of lawyers and firms like Bain Capital.

Romney ran to the center after the primaries but he couldn't outrun the statements he made to win them. Most Americans don't make enough to owe the IRS. The word "taxes" only sends elephants screaming into the night. The Big Brother Government he lambasted was rescuing the northeast from the most powerful Atlantic storm ever recorded while his biggest supporter Governor Christie was praising the president for his interference and tyranny.

Almost everyone elected to Washington is part of the top 1% in terms of wealth and they like most Americans look out for their own. That's natural, that's democracy and that's American. But to listen to Romney and his wife recount how they struggled with only a million dollar stock portfolio while he attended Harvard seemed to most Americans a little out of touch. It's like he saying we only had a silver shovel to start out with but we turned it into a gold bulldozer.

Most Americans don't follow politics. Most vote with their gut. Both candidates put a microscope on their opponent and a magnifying glass on themselves. Since we knew Obama it appeared to be a contest between a flawed man and a slick ham. Didn't pass the mustard.

Don Arrup

Satire1 

Night of the Living Dead Ideas

As the country and world face new and frightening challenges Americans can be comforted with the fact that neither presidential candidate has ever had an original thought in their lives and certainly won't entertain any now that the country is falling apart.

Satire1 has gone straight to the garbage dump of history to interview the original proponents of today's clashing ideologies.

Franklin Delano Roosevelt

"I can't believe the country's kept that social security swindle I sold them back in the thirties. It is the most regressive tax ever created. The poor are whacked on every penny they make while the rich are touched only on their chum change. In 1935 when we passed it almost no worker lived to collect a dime while we padded the country club years of the owners. We didn't see the increase in longevity coming which explodes the Ponzi scheme but we thought it wouldn't last twenty years anyway."

Ronald Reagan

"Of course deficits don't matter unless you love your kids or prosperity or something. Nancy and I never fell into that trap. Just cut all the tax rates and starve the beast and the entrepreneurs and crime bosses will pick up the pieces. All you need is a big smile and a bogey man to blame. Getting votes is like selling movie tickets. Don't confuse them with reality. The public demands the same old crap."

FDR

"I loved your trickle down nonsense. I mean how many servants can the rich hire?"

RR

"Hey, I kept my promise to slash tax rates in the first year. Then after I learned my salary might be in jeopardy I raised them for the next seven."

FDR

"I do admire how much milage you got out of the Cold War even though the Soviets were long spent. I had World War Two to cover my ass when none of my charades worked."

RR

"I love how you Democrats get away with calling Republicans the rich man's party. I'd have sold our secrets to the Soviets for half the money you guys made 'representing' the interests of the poor." 

FDR

"We bought the poor off. Your party thought you could simply let a fifth of the country starve but found that your law and order campaigns actually cost twice as much in police and prisons."

RR

"Try four to six times as much when you factor in the private security but at least that's private sector."

FDR

"We both kept our friends rich with military buildups and enlistment was good jobs for the poor. I had hoped to keep us out of the mess but the Japanese just didn't get how the game is played."

RR

"The Soviet leaders knew I was the only friend they had. Without my bluster and threats of science fiction their people would have filled the streets for a washing machine that worked."

FDR

"You're more in touch than me. Who's the bogey man they're using now? The Arabs?"

RR

"The American people are tired of killing Muslims after two wars. They've been switching it more to the Chinese."

FDR

"The Chinese? We're more married to them than we were to our wives."

RR

"Yeah, but Americans don't feel like we're on top anymore."

FDR

"The average American knows what it is to be on the bottom on their belly but took pride that their country was on top."

RR

"Now their butts feels double pumped."

FDR

"This could drive people to the point of voting."

RR

"I don't think it will get that crazy."

FDR

"Does either party have any new ideas?"

RR

"You were at the start of American greatness and I was buried with the end of it. We had great lies then and countries need great lies in order to be great. We outlasted the Soviet Union because we changed from your lie to mine but now we're trying to keep the same lies going and lies only work so long."

VOTE

Don Arrup

Satire1

Halloween Network Programing 12

FOX

8pm

Count Barrack descends in April to bite your wallet and drain your assets.

10pm

Revenge of the Forty Seven Percent citizens who never even bothered to flush the toilet vote.

Midnight

Shadow of the Polygamist Mormon pol exposed as having multiple positions on key issues.

2am

Sandy Versus FEMA federal agency actually manages an emergency.

MSNBC

8pm

Embassy Security You might survive terrorists and spies but not the State Department bureaucracy.

10pm

The Thing With No Job Who will it blame? Who will it vote for?

Midnight

Poor People Legend of a people who were never middle class portrayed in bone chilling realism.

2am

The Empty Chair Eastwood directed documentary on the first Presidential Debate.

Don Arrup

Satire1 

Happy Halloween

Dead Vote

Since an increasing number of states have legislated to empower poll workers to disenfranchise voters for having names or skin the federal government fearing too low a turnout would threaten its legitimacy has lifted the ban on the dead and fictional voting in the upcoming presidential election. 

Satire1 in its never ending quest to bring you the low down on the low down has been going to graveyards, libraries and comics shops to poll the new likely voters.

Mickey Mouse

"I voted for Barrack Obama last time because I know how hard it is to be taken seriously when you're black and have big ears but the price of cheese both imported and domestic has risen faster than the rate of inflation throughout his presidency so I'm giving Romney a second look."

Sam Adams

"Romney is against tyrannous taxation but he doesn't drink beer."

Pocahontas

"Romney thinks I'm a Jew and Obama thinks I'm a cartoon."

Headless Horseman of Sleepy Hollow

"I do whatever the radio tells me."

Abraham Lincoln

"I don't know why we dead were disenfranchised in the first place. Half the living citizens don't vote."

Elvis

"Chuck Berry for president."

Moe Horowitz (of Larry, Moe and Curly)

"Not two Irish guys again."

Wizard of Oz

"We have to invest more in wind or soon we won't have any."

Paul Bunyan 

"I log companies for Bain Capital."

Bigfoot

"I only care about abortion."

John Wayne

"They're registering people who live in nursing homes. Ever been to one? Everyone moons around all day and takes drugs. Bunch of hippies."

Super Man

"I'm from Krypton so I've no problem with Obama's nationality but how does Romney conceal his identity without a mask?"

Rip Van Winkle

"Every time I wake up the country's in crisis."

Don Arrup

Satire1

Debate Report Card

DEBATE REPORT CARD

Punctuality:

Mitt always comes prepared and on time to debate but some of his ideas and statistics are from the Reagan Era. 

Barack was only physically present for the first debate and was continuously trying to sell the New Deal as something new.

Follows Debate Rules:

Mitt often acted like he was the sole speaker during the first debate but to be fair he pretty much was. Could have shown more effort in the third debate.

Barrack seemed overly aggressive and condescending in the third debate but I attribute this to his hanging out with the older Biden boy.

Answers Questions Asked:

Mitt and Barrack both acted like high school ego maniacs on a date. They ignored the moderators and crowed their accomplishments pausing only to put each other down.

Stated Positions Clearly:

If they just made elephant and donkey sounds it would have been clearer.

Offered Relevant Examples:

Both ignored the subjects to be discussed and timed their scripted sob stories and uplifting anecdotes with the precision of commercial breaks. All the stories sucked.

Willing To Be Specific:

Both offered the shadow of platitudes done in sign language in the back of a cave. Then barked stump speech soundbites for punctuation.

Served The American People:

It's always fun to watch rich and powerful men sweat.

Grade:

Don Arrup

Satire1

Debate 2012

1st Presidential Debate- Disemboweled- Winnie Poo'd vs Eeyore

Body language and facial expressions don't lie. Governor Romney having arrived a day early in mile high town had accustomed his colon to the stratospheric height and had just moved his bowels in triumphant fashion before the last touches on his makeup. 

President Obama having just dragged his large intestine across the skies stood in constipated tension. 

Romney having just let go of all his primary promises to Mad Hatters in one squat was nimble and loose with the facts. Obama trudged around the recession gorilla in the room.

Winner: Romney

Loser: The American People

Moderator: None

Vice Presidential Debate-Date with a sailor- Stat Man vs The Joker

Chaperone Martha Raddatz kept the boys hands on the table as they squabbled over who was the biggest liar like a sorority house mother trying to pick up the pieces of a disastrous date on Sunday morning. 

Vice President Biden was smiling like his Viagra had just kicked back in and was as intrusive as drunken sailor. Representative Ryan looked like it still hurt.

Winner: Marti Raddish

Loser: The American People

2cd Presidential Debate- Town Hall Brawl- The Mormon Mauler vs The Hawaiian Hope

Both Mauler and Hope reopened old wounds on their opponent with facts and jabs but threw only the widest roundhouses and feints at China, Iran and the economy.

Winner:

Loser:

Don Arrup

Satire1 

The No Committee

As the Democrats and Republicans come dangerously close to a compromise on a long term budget and simplified tax code, President Obama has appointed a commission of six leaders from each party to find a way to filibuster or tie up in subcommittee the new legislation. With the country on the brink of decision a bipartisan effort is being mounted in the midnight hour to save the country from itself.

Many legislators spoke off the record: 

"We've stabilized the economy with only a quarter of the population in real poverty. Most Americans are sinking very slowly in the new unregulated globalization. Any change could disrupt the flow to the top."

"I'm a Libertarian so I don't think the government should interfere with taxes. Corruption is the only fair and equitable taxation so I say let's give corruption a try. Most people will hardly notice the difference- if there is one."

"The federal government is just too big a machine to fix while it's malfunctioning. We need a complete shutdown if we are to do any meaningful repairs. And for long term repairs we'll need to shut it down for a year. Our armed forces can just pillage wherever they are overseas and air travel will be dangerous but schools and water are local concerns so who cares?"

"I buy gold and sell ammunition so a compromise would be disastrous for my business. Want and fear are the keys to secure prosperity."

"Six leaders from both parties? You need more people if you want nothing done."

Don Arrup

Satire1

O And Ro

In the first secret presidential debate held in Boca Raton, Florida for the one percent last Saturday, both multimillionaire Obama and billionaire Romney pledged do everything necessary to keep the international financial casino open to counterweight the threat of China's real growth. 

President Obama assured the owners of the country that the American victims know they've been robbed and if they don't cool the wholesale theft down a notch and hand over enough stooges for prosecution there will be a revolt. 

Governor Romney claimed that if they blamed it all on the government they could continue to harvest the rest of the country's wealth until they reached the natural and righteous balance of owning 99% while leaving the victims the tax free remainder. As long as we keep some form of death care and social immunity the sheep will graze.

Bah, replied Obama, even sheep smell a wolf. The jig is on, he added, push it and the jig will be up.

Romney disagreed. I have the smile and the hair. That is all the victims believe in anymore. I'll appoint Ryan to do all the dirty work while I sympathize with the victims- the American victims. I'll blame the black guy for all their woes. It wasn't his fault. He did his best. There just wasn't ever enough that he could steal to meet all your needs. 

Obama opined: Send the rich white weirder church than mine guy down in flames and the downtrodden will dance in the streets. Then I can continue to send rehashed Republican legislation from the 90's down for your Mad Hatters to filibuster.

The victims don't expect the government to help them, Romney argued. Only the illiterate super victims who the government maintained to scare the rest into line believed that. It is time for the charade to end and begin the harvest in earnest.

American victims are resourceful and used to the illusion of having some say in their lives, Obama countered. They can only be pushed so far down the toilet before they feel flushed. Then Occupy Wall Street will turn into an American Spring.

The victims will turn on the minorities like they always do in hard times, Romney said. They have plenty of Muslims, Asians and people of color to satiate their thirst for vengeance.

Do you really want to steal the rest of the country with a white guy in the Oval Office, Obama asked. If you really want to finish the harvest in the next four years I'm the perfect dupe. I'm black, supposedly Muslim, African and there are still working class conservatives who think I'm a liberal.

The moderator Secret G thanked the puppets for their time and reminded the owners that they will have to decide before the faux public debates began in order to manipulate the polls in line with their choice.

Don Arrup

Satire1

New Poll

Voters polled in over fifty states by a wide margin claimed that they would vote for any candidate that would just shut up and pull their commercials.

Frustrated to enraged over spots interrupting their favorite escapist shows and sports programs, voters said that the endless campaigning and negativity of politicians is trying to pull their heads out of the sand.

"I watch reality shows because there is not even a residue of reality in them. I don't think they are even human beings. The commercial breaks are supposed to be touched up models and then this clown comes on the screen saying he is just like me and the problem is he's right."

"The starving children and tsunami victims only get their spots on late night TV when I'm just facing the screen. But this intrusion into prime time when I'm still conscious with the state of the nation and world is a violation. If I wanted to know what's going on or who's responsible I'd watch the news."

"The message is always the same. The world is on fire, the economy's collapsed, morals corrupted, liberty stolen, future gone and this is the greatest country in the world."

"Why why why do candidates put their faces on TV? Where did they get this from- Frank Perdue? Okay, the presidential candidates look like a game show host and a basketball coach but these mugs running for Congress look like the people at the bus stop who never take the bus."

"I hate them all. And the more I see them and the more I know about them the more I hate them."

"I'll happily vote for anyone I've never heard of."

This is the first major poll conducted by YBS/Herald/Record to survey in the seven secret states that usually decide national elections.

Don Arrup

Satire1

Wealthy Hop Victim Bandwagon

As Candidate Romney zig zags the nation with his zig zag explanation of a speech he gave at a $50,000 a plate fundraising dinner in Boca Rotan many of their fellow billionaires across the nation feel outraged that Romney omitted their victimization.

"I paid a hundred and fifty grand to sit in a monkey suit between my wife and her sister while trying to saw a rubber chicken and listen to a game show host tell us what we already know. The cake was drier than a slob's sponge and the coffee tasted like petroleum. Now, I don't know what your idea of a victim is but let me suggest that there is no sucker worse than a rich sucker."

"I didn't care about the "donation." I just wanted him to get up there and swear he wasn't Obama. And he didn't do that."

"I made my fortune and bought my state and now I'm paying top dollar for legislators who wouldn't even make good party clowns."

"The unemployed are free from income tax. The homeless don't pay property tax. What are these people complaining about?"

Don Arrup

Satire1

Say It Ain't So, Mo

The riots in Libya and Egypt over trailers of the video Innocence of Muslims that have rocked the Middle East and cost American lives have been found to be over the low budget quality of the video rather than the portrayal of the big Mo as gay, perverse and murderous.

"If you are going to insult the entire Muslim world put some money into it. The black screen desert looks like I Dream of Jeanni without Barbra Eden."

"If Tom Hanks played the Prophet Muslims would be out of the streets and packed into the movie houses to see this. Why couldn't they at least get a washed up TV star like one of the two guys from Friends who never works anymore?"

"I haven't seen the trailer. I just like to kill Americans and I'm not spending my vacation in Afghanistan."

"I haven't seen the trailer either but I was just really missing the chaos and violence of the uprising."

"Here in Cairo, if the Israelis or Americans don't throw us a bone once in a while the people calm down and the Muslim Brotherhood and army strangle us in our sleep."

"If the movie praised Allah and portrayed the prophet Mohammed in the most glorious light it would be much worse. The production values were worse than shit. Shit would have to shit to make this shit."

"I lived in New York America for two years when I was attending Columbia University Ivy League and I can tell you-somebody made this on their daughter's credit card. Some angry unattractive man with an exceptionally small penis who aspires to great power and influence bought the costumes at a Halloween store."

"They are Halloween store Jewish costumes of Moses, Mary and Joseph. Muslims who saw the trailer suspected it immediately and looked them up on the internet. Historical inauthenticity in movies will not be tolerated."

"Hitler Nazi was right. Hollywood is the propaganda machine of the International Brotherhood of Zion and these sub-Indy production values oppress and enslave Muslims in a  unglamorous light."

"Nobody cares about that YouTube crap. This is about the major networks not picking up any sitcoms about American Muslims for the Fall lineup again."

Don Arrup

Satire1 

Jayne Mansfield 9/11

Her skin was celluloid golden

Lips an almost disembodied red

Hair a blinding silver

Big white bosoms

Beautiful throat

Nobody notices that

She helps us forget

The two jumbo jets

Busting out of her blouse

Taking down buildings

The Twin Phalluses 

Of capitalism

Or was Manhattan her body

And Jayne supine

Staring at the sky we thought ours

And the planes phallic

Frustrated last hard ons

Of oppressive patriarchy

Jayne and Marilyn

We prefer them dead

Auto decapitated

Slumbering into suicide

Un-aging

Two dimensional

Silent

Long as Jayne kept her head

And after

We sucked her tits

And called them America

We sucked the biggest tits in the world

For two generations

Now they won't even show us the nipple

The tenth anniversary of 9/11 was it

We've moved on

Or slid backwards

Or fell down

The rabbit hole of patriotism

The evil beard we blamed

Is finally dead

Now we're free to hate each other

Again

Don Arrup

Saitre1

Obamamercial

Greetings from sunny Charlotte, NC. No Tea Party storm to cancel our first indoctrinercial so sit back and listen to governors of states you've never heard off, mayors of urban nightmares and losers from past elections    explain how everything is the Republicans fault and Obama's prophecy of hope and change is only beginning to manifest.

This prime time line up includes:

Mystery!

Just ask yourself after any speech just what the hell were they talking about?

Romance!

Hear Michelle Obama describe the man we elected four years ago and know ever less about.

Comedy!

Joe Biden's speech.

Suspense!

When will Joe Biden screw up?

Sex!

Bill Clinton explaining why everyone should sleep with Democrats.

Inspiration!

Obama once again explaining how in life only facts get in the way.

Don Arrup

Satire1

White Men's Party

The National White Men's Party wrapped up its convention in Tampax, Florida after nominating Utah Mitt and Saint Paul for CEO and CFO of the Incorporated States of America. Addressing entrepreneurs across the country about the dangers of health care and taxes, the NWM paraded their wives and mistresses across the stage to prove that the rumors that they were misogynists were greatly exaggerated. 

The theme of the convention was We Did It Ourselves featuring dozens of small business owners who swore that they never used United States currency or the highways and were completely independent of government control. 

"I own a gun shop in Wyoming and I will not hire any communist who has attended a public school where they only teach atheism, unionism and equality. I home school my children in the science of mythology and gun ownership. And I will sell a gun to anyone who has either the corn, oil or gold to buy one."

"I've been forced to hire over a thousand illegal immigrants on my Idaho farms each harvest because the Hawaiian Administration won't protect our borders. Otherwise, these people would continue to hang out along the town road urinating in the corn fields. I don't know who invites them here."

"The reason the economy almost collapsed was because of government regulation and interference. Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac are the Bonnie and Clyde of home lenders and the hundreds of billions made by the banks is small recompense for the anxiety and confusion they experienced."

"When are we going to get a conservative Supreme Court? Scalia and Thomas are just a couple of old hippies who couldn't keep Roberts from falling in with the coven appointed by the Socialists."

"Preventative care is un-American. If people would show a little self respect they wouldn't be tying up the emergency rooms but would wait just a little longer and go straight to the morgue."

"They wouldn't let Ron Paul address the convention because he refused to wear make up."

"I like the swirling blue matrix in the background. If you stare at it long enough you can almost see Ronald Reagan."

Next Week:

Full coverage of the Exploited Victims Infanticide Party in Harlot, NC!

Don Arrup

Satire1

The Empty Chair

Mitt Romney should have dropped the platitude laden empty speech and just come forward and sat in the empty chair that Clint Eastwood addressed. Then Clint could have dropped the schizoid ventriloquist routine and simply asked Romney what he planned to do about the problems the country is facing.

Perhaps Romney would have also told Clint to go fuck himself.

Certainly that has been the message we have gotten from both parties the last four years. We're pandering to our base. To hell with what is good for the country. Republicans sell supply side snake oil and Democrats pretend something like the grotesquely underfunded entitlement programs can remain in tact.

Clint Eastwood has already given us our leader, the people's choice, the empty chair.

With polls showing 70% of the American voters wishing they had some other choice it remains unlikely that Jesus Christ or George Washington will throw their hats in the ring. 

Politicians pretend to be able to do anything the voters demand of them. They are department store Santa Clauses who listen and nod. I'll get rid of the twelve million illegal immigrants. Balance the budget without raising taxes. Protect Social Security, Medicare, Medicaid, food stamps and unlimited unemployment benefits without turning us into Greece. Washington is the North Pole. The store is closed.

On this Labor Day weekend, as state governments dismantle worker rights and union members shop at Walmart and other facades of Chinese infiltration, let us reflect on the Fall. Not the season but the course our divided nation has chosen. For when the music of our vicious, uncompromising self righteousness ends what will everyone be looking for?

Don Arrup

Satire1

  

Definitions

Legal Rape

Forcing a woman to continue with a pregnancy that is the result of a rape. Also known as double rape or compound rape. 

Legitimate Rape

The unwelcome and forceful penetration of Representative Todd Aikin.

Illegitimate Rape

The unwelcome and forceful penetration of anyone who is not Todd Aikin or a convicted rapist.

Financial Rape

The last three decades in the United States economy.

Political Rape

K Street. 

Cultural Rape

Reality TV.

Student Rape

Tuition at American higher education institutions.

Sanity Rape

The 2012 political campaign.

Don Arrup

Satire1