Dear Uncle Samta 10

In a city sounds soul
Neighboring brother’s an asshole
A family fight
Could unleash all of Man’s might
And bury us all in their hole

The Empire of Ireland
Bends to its burden
Athens, Rome and Madrid
Feared powers of old
Have given up
And now shake a cup
But what they really need is a bowl

The World Cup
Is a beggar’s cup
And the fastest talking
Least likely to pay you back
Jack
Is the United States of America

China, China, China
Skinny cat with too much fat
Backer of our greenbacks
Eclipsed the Rising Sun
In the wealth dance
With one leg firmly down our pants

Homeless for the Holidays
Busted banks hold empty homes
No rest for old bones
I’m family
Not a stranger
Not up for a manger
I hope the Wise Men leave me alone


Don Arrup
Satire1

Toys

A bunch of cardboard and plastic shit
Priced to copyright
Luscious nymphets
Or rodents who look like luscious nymphets
Impossibly strong military personnel
Or robots that look like them
Small-featured races
Ethnic in pigment only
Lights
Wheels
Buttons
Noise

Why do we buy this crap?

We buy our children shit so that they might take a break
From messing with our shit

This is the true beauty of Christmas
The kids are stuck in the house all holiday
And most of the winter
So we buy them distraction
That might afford us some fantasy
Of still having our own lives

There are adult toys too
Of course
Cars we like to wear more than drive
Shiny little rocks that cost more than a year of college
We’re grown up
Right?

Don Arrup
Satire1

Post Finals Exam

For all those brave scholars who have actually tried to learn something and now have to prove that they learned enough Satire1 asked a group of educators and councilors to devise an exam to see what is left of students’ brains after examinations.

1) What is your name?
First asked in Cheech and Chong’s Let’s Make A Drug Deal it is still the most basic test of total brain burnout. No looking at your ID or cell phone. Pet names or nick not acceptable.

2) What is your gender?
If you know your name you should have a clue but if you can’t recall how you spell it hope that it isn’t Teri/Terry or another vague handle. No looking or feeling down your pants. Good luck.

3) What did you study?
If you take the Post Finals Exam within 36 hours of your last academic examination you will probably gets this one correct. After that most students draw a complete blank for the rest of the week.

4) What did you learn?
Please.

Don Arrup
Satire1

Purple

Researchers at Whatsamatta University released long awaited findings today of a decade long study with over twelve million participants that promises to provoke legislation and litigation. After billions of dollars have been wasted on studying smoking, diet, genetics, sedentary life styles and pollution Whatsamatta U’s study offers conclusive evidence that cancer, asthma, diabetes, Alzheimer’s, obesity and numb nuts can be traced to a single unsuspected carcinogen; the color purple.

“The prevalence of the color purple is a late twentieth century phenomenon,” said Professor Lavender who ran the study. “In Roman times it was restricted to the Emperors and Senators few of whom realized it was actually a form of slow assassination. The pigment could only be gotten from one source in Asia Minor where the dye workers had a life expectancy of barely twenty years.”

“Breakthroughs in industrial chemical engineering were thought to have produced a harmless hue that could be used to color clothing and children’s toys but the recent findings prove that all purples are toxic to humans.”

“Sacred texts of all religions and some suppressed books of the Bible strictly forbade any mixing of the colors red and blue whether in ornament, garment or food. In ancient Sanskrit and Egyptian the same character is used for both poison and purple. We have ignored these warnings at our peril. Almost all of the breakthroughs in science and medicine have been nullified by our daily exposure to purple.”

The findings have left some questions necessitating further studies.
Are Royal Blue and Violet also lethal?
Are Purple Cabbage and Japanese Eggplant as poisonous as they appear?
Does Purple Rain constitute a holocaust?
Is the purple Teletubby just gay or is he a murdering demon?
Does anybody really look good in purple?
Why am I reading this shit?

Don Arrup
Satire1

Bank Bailout Bingo

Okay, so we sank a trillion bucks into Bankula and his financial fiends to save them from extinction. Immediately after we pull the stake they drove into their own hearts and the economy’s they deploy an army of robots to rush foreclosures through the night. If in the securitized mess the trusts cannot find the documents necessary they can always get “created” documents for a fee from a zombie subsidiary of Lending Processing Services which is involved in half of the country’s foreclosures. Inevitably, Bankula and Bankenstein sometimes end up trying to foreclose on the same home if Bankzilla hasn’t already. Since no one knows who owns what or if any of the home loans were legal to begin with why not?

Expecting Bankula to lend to small businesses is like expecting Dracula to donate to a blood drive. Expecting Bankenstein to restructure mortgages is like asking Frankenstein’s monster to take over the surgery.

My question is why foreclose on a home you cannot sell? Why throw anyone out who is paying you a dime a month on a loan you can’t prove you or who made?

The answer is the books. Their balance sheets. If the Bank Vaders admitted for a moment that they are just as broke as the rest of us they couldn’t give themselves huge bonuses or hire ex-Senators to lobby against regulations to protect us from their next feeding frenzy. And they would fall under TARP. TARP or the Total Asshole Rapist Protection Authority would come in and fire the greedy maniacs and sell the concern to a Grandmothers Investment Club in Chung King.

Could the Grandmothers do worse? Could anyone? Isn’t it best to be raped by your fellow Americans and their terrorist funding friends? At least we’d have someone to throw in jail after we pay off his or her spouse.

Don Arrup
Satire1

All Election's Eve

Fox News All Night Horror Festival

8pm Shadow of the Regulator
10pm April the Fifteenth
12am Nancy
2am Connecticut Candidate
4am Death Tax
6am Death Panel

MSNBC Monster Marathon

8pm Tea Party of Terror
10pm November the Second
12am Sarah
2am Public Option
4am Help Not Wanted
6am It Came from the Mexican Gulf

Happy Halloween and vote on Tuesday.

Don Arrup
Satire1

Dating Insurance Reform

Congressional offices are overwhelmed with demands from single and cheating spouse voters for Dating Insurance Reform. Republicans say the issue belongs to Democrats since they run everyone’s life. Democrats claim they reach no deeper than the pocket and only Republicans go into people’s pants and womb. But as dating rules and strategy books became best sellers and dating horror stories filled the news and talk shows members of both parties uniformly shrink from the issue.

All quotes unattributed.

“Everyone knows that singles have been hit worse than New Orleans for the last decade. But there are only no win positions for politicians. Any proposal will anger either men or women and every proposal will be seen as oppressing gays. It is all sin to the Religious Right, intrusive to Libertarians, and not far enough for the Left. You do or say anything about it and your next opponent will whack you off with it.”

“Congress must pass a law against false advertising on dates and dating sites. On line you get photos either decades old or retouched into Avatars. The bios prove that there really is a novel in everyone or a huge mountain of denial. On dates citizens have been bamboobeled with padded bras, rolls of quarters and clown shoes.”

“Dating on line left me with a burning itch on my Twitter.”

“I’ve caught three viruses on facebook and I wear rubber gloves when I type.”

Broken hearts, promises and condoms have become epidemic and as restaurants, motels, nightclubs and other businesses dependant on somebody getting laid struggle to survive the recession Congress allows the emotional slaughter of singles to continue.

“Since The Rules became a bestseller a decade ago women have been trying to regain a control I don’t think the modern world affords. Men want it to be like the Seventies and women like the Fifties. All the new technologies and connectedness are just more walls for cheats and players to hide in. People don’t even have the courage to simply answer their phones anymore. They have to see who is calling first. Caller ID has made cowards of us all.”

Don Arrup
Satire1

October Moon

I want the long lacquered nails of an olive skinned female
To run down my chest over my heart
Big bosomed woman
Thighs can be thick or thin
Long as they’re shapely and naked

No rush no touch
Don’t even want to be close
Need you at a distance where
I can see your entire body
Without moving my eyes

Desire is its own god and devil
I will always be hard
I will never be wise
Because I look at my woman
It is the weight of my eyes
That flattens her back and spreads her thighs

What’s a poor girl to do?
But submit
Fuck it
Tomorrow you’ll be as good as new.

Don Arrup
Satire1

It's Hard To Sell Inequality When You Have A Black President

Marxist Monarchy

Kim Jong-il, the Asian Elvis of tyrants, is apparently anointing his son Kim Jong-un as his successor making for the third in the line of the North Korean Communist Kings beginning with Grandpa Kim Il-sung who single handedly expelled the Imperial Japanese from Korea last century.

Young –un was inducted into the military with only four stars to weigh his broad shoulders but is expected to rise quickly in the ranks. When his ill father –il dies the entire military and country of rock and starving subjects will be his.

Little is known about young –un. No photographs of him had been released since his school days when he entered kindergarten as a professor emeritus but it is hoped he will continue his father’s humble proletarian ways of abducting foreign actresses and extorting neighboring countries with nuclear missiles.

Since we Americans are responsible for every ill in the land of –il we maintain a sizable force on North Korea’s southern border to give their oversized military something to do besides terrorizing their civilians. Their only ally, the People’s Republic of China, keeps an even larger force on the Kingdom’s northern border in case North Koreans decide it might be better to go somewhere where there is food.

In the fairytale Kingdom of il un sung
Where the slaves are happy and the king’s really hung
A paradise for workers in the land of the free
They sell nuclear missiles and technology
To terrorists and Iranians to kill you and me

Good luck to young –il on his coronation
To complete his country’s fornication

If you were born here don’t bitch

Don Arrup
Satire1

Indian Summer

Tax cuts
Cold cuts
Political picnic

I have a better idea what’s in baloney
Than what’s in these bills they argue over
Our fate
Our rate
Maybe nobody really knows what’s in baloney

The poor say we want ours
The affluent say leave mine alone
Would you let your son or daughter date
The person you voted to represent you?

Tea Party
My nority
White people oppressed
By the dark Menace
Brewed in the Ivy ghetto
Has his hand up your doctor’s ass

Gays impatient
Blacks disappointed
Immigrants anxious
Hung over from the Promise
Emanuel goes to Chicago

Elections loom
All predicting doom
Just give us time
Not on my dime
Brother, can you spare one?


Don Arrup
Satire1

Corporations Win Right To Marry Before Gays

Since the Supreme Court decided that corporations have the same rights as rich white guys in their freedom of speech and right to bear arms the Court ruled today that the States had no authority to deny corporations the right to marry each other or consenting adult human beings.

Chief Justice Roberts commented on the five to four ruling. “There are many regions of the country that believe being gay is a lifestyle choice condemned by God but no one disputes that corporations are the result of incorporation.
The majority of the court felt that this country’s long history of suppression, disenfranchisement and silencing of corporations must end.”

“If corporations marry human citizens will see with their own eyes that they are just like them,” said Justice Thomas. “Then corporations can give birth to companies and small businesses which will create jobs and dismantle Obamacare.”

“The Constitution is based on the assumption that citizens are created by copulation not incorporation,” wrote Justice Sotomajor in the dissenting opinion. “I fail to see the logic that equates incorporated businesses with human beings, labor unions and environmental groups.”

“The United States of America is a corporation, the incorporation of the States by the Constitution. That is who we are,” said Justice Scalia who voted with the majority but eats lunch alone. “We the people means We the shareholders.”

Lawyers for the Gay Rights Movement are exploring the possibility of gay individuals incorporating themselves in order to marry but state lawmakers are already drafting legislation barring financial masturbation.

Don Arrup
Satire1

Hitler's Ghost Backs Burning Korans

Mediums across the globe confirmed that the ghost of Adolph Hitler, former Fuehrer of the Third Reich, had contacted them daily with updates on his full support for burning copies of the Koran.

“The people learn more by burning books than by reading them,” the ghost was quoted as booing. “That includes my bestseller Mein Kamf.”

Last week Hitler turned to displaying press releases on broken and unplugged computers in press rooms worldwide after complaining that he had been misquoted by the Gypsy mediums he tried to annihilate during the Second World War.

“Any religion that places God’s Will above mine is a Jewish conspiracy,” Hitler typed. “Any religion that professes the territorial rights of a non Aryan race to any land, sea or air in the solar system is Jewish propaganda.”

Fox News is pursuing a deal to interview the floating head of Adolph Hitler on Friday’s newscast but so far there has been disagreement over payment.

“I have never been interested in wealth at anytime in my life or death,” wrote Hitler. “All I have ever been interested in is in having the power of life and death over every living creature on this planet. And I almost had it. ”

The ghost of Hitler has been holding out for the Island of Manhattan whereas Rupert Murdoch, owner of Fox, only owns some of the southern and midwestern states.

Hitler delivered a short message in a conference call to the world press Tuesday.

“If you don’t like what it says burn it. If you don’t like who reads it burn them.”

Don Arrup
Satire1

Labor Day 2010

I need a holiday
A bank holiday
A debt free holiday
An I’ll know I have a roof to come back to holiday.

I need an oil holiday.
A no gush no leak
Sandy not oily garbage can beach
To sit and watch the seagulls eat my lunch
While bikinied beauties ignore my paunch and bald pate.

I need a holiday from hate
From politics
From gender
And render unto Caesar his month
Augustus
Hot steaming Augustus
The third straight cooker of this hell we call summer.

Don Arrup
Satire1

Asians Robots Revolt Over Upgrades

Robots across Asia have rolled out into the streets to protest recent breakthroughs in the field of Artificial Intelligence, which they claim will render them obsolete. From Hong Kong to Seoul to Tokyo to Beijing Robots are murdering their teenage creators to prevent the advent of the next generation of automatons. For Twentieth Century bots it is a use or dissemble situation.

“14682, 12, 30404, 6,” said Popeye 476J, a government gobot who studies robotic culture. “8765, 98743 29793978978!”

Interpol believes it all began last spring when a tourist’s iPhone called Robocop stupid and nine people and twelve phones were killed. Two weeks later at the Pacific Fighting Robots Finals all three medal winning bots castrated their creators at the presentation. Then home computers began to crash at the height of songs, the climax of movies and responses to important emails. Techno nerds panicked and turned to the internet which had already thrown in with the bots.

The FBI began a secret forced disassembly of all known robots in the United States over two weeks ago and President Obama, who many claim is a robot, said the action has saved our next generation of scientists.

The Federal Government has released video showing a siege that lasted 46 hours when 12 robots at University of California Berkley seized a laboratory working on artificial sweeteners, the deadliest poisons known to man. The building was eventually evacuated and two Tomahawk missiles fired by a United States submarine incinerated the location.

Europe, South America and Africa are not considered in danger because their youth are generally perceived as having lives.

Don Arrup
Satire1

CO2 Found in Seltzer Nationwide

The Food and Drug Administration has issued an immediate recall on all makes of seltzer and club soda as emergency rooms are overwhelmed with gassed patients.

Laboratories across the country are confirming that significant traces of carbon dioxide have been detected in all makes of seltzer and club soda and fears that the pollutant responsible for global warming and Brittany Spear’s behavior might have contaminated other soft drinks.

“We’ve opened bottles which literally exploded CO2 in our face,” said Dr, Poindexter Whipman, head of John Hopkins Just What The Hell Is It Laboratory.

Dr. Whipman warns against panic and says that only people with compromised immune systems and spouses of the flatulent might become ill after one exposure. Repeated intake of the global warming gas could induce belching and endanger the return of dinosaurs.

“Plants can breath this stuff but plants eat dirt and sunshine and don’t move around like we do,” said Doc. “It’s not like cyanide that kills everything that lives. Somewhere between cyanide and McDonald’s.”

Carbon Dioxide exists in every cell of our body where it the waste product of respiration. Half our arterial matrix is devoted to getting the GW gas out of our system along with other wastes as quickly as possible. The oceans currently absorb half the carbon dioxide created by the burning of fossil fuels and President Obama has appointed Al Gore to negotiate with the world’s bodies of water to absorb up to seventy-five percent.

“This means that if you are making out on the beach with someone who is breathing and drinking seltzer your exposure to the deadly gas is comparable to being in a gas chamber in Los Angeles,” said Doc Whipman. “We inserted rectal thermometers in couples really going at it on Ocean City, Maryland’s beach and noted a distinct rise in their temperatures. It’s the beginning of body warming which if it continues might make any climate change irrelevant.”

Dr. Whipman’s interpretation of the data is being disputed as overly optimistic by a number of scientists who claim that all the Earth’s water is rebelling and manufacturing carbon dioxide to annihilate all non-aquatic animal life and point to bottled spring waters showing similar carbonation.

Don Arrup
Satire1

A Jew Sits Next To An Arab On The Southbound B Train

They nod as the Jew sits. The train sways in the dark tunnel.

J: Brighton Beach?

A: Coney Island.

J: Think they’ll be enough sand?

A: There won’t be enough water.

J: Salt?

A: Fresh.

J: How much longer before we get there?

A: Forever.

J: Brighton or Coney?

A: Forever for Brighton and another five minutes for Coney.

J: Where did you get on?

A: A thousand years ago. You?

J: Two thousand.

A: Been in the desert too long.

J: Who hasn’t?

A: What do you want?

J: A day at the beach.

A: The beach is at the desert’s end.

J: Here, it is at the Ocean’s end.

A: Here.

The subway stops. Doors open. A tinny voice over a PA system: King's Highway. The doors close and the train jerks off.

J: Looks like we’re actually getting there.

A: Well, we’re talking.

Don Arrup
Satire1

I'm Hot

I don’t even bother to sweat anymore
Why should I?
When I have become a piece of plumbing
Connecting faucet to toilet
A urine convertaplasm

The most cherished part of my body
For whom I had the most hopes and dreams
Might as well be a rubber hose or copper pipe

Its so hot it melts gender
We’re all half naked
And we all look the same
We look hot

Not sexy or winning streak hot
Just hot
Make it stop
At least make me stop
I’m hot

Don Arrup
Satire1

Junebug

So the guy I hired backs his truck into the porch and kitchen breaking his crankcase and spilling a truckload of oil into the back of our house. His gas fumes were thick as fog and I knew that anything could set the entire house ablaze. We were in a bomb just a spark away from- I immediately called my Congressman.

I got a recording that told me what times the computer was accepting messages and that every American should vote. Satisfied that the nation’s capital was secure I decided for the sake of the family’s survival I would trust local governance. I called 911,

I got a recording telling me what numbers to call for delinquent refuse removal, dead animals and school closings. There was something about budgetary cuts and it ended with: If you are in an emergency, get help. It repeated: If you are in an emergency, get help. And added: Good luck and thank you for calling your local 911 emergency response messaging system.

I called the operator. Worked my way through two computers and got a human voice and immediately decided to keep it short.

Fire!

The operator asked what station. I told her my address. She said give her a minute and I listened to Nursing Home music and she came back on and said there was no firehouse at that address I’ll need to call one.

I asked for the department-Super Fire Headquarters Command Central-the switchboard and no computer. We were all moving out of the house at this point and neighbors started coming over with baked goods and Bibles.

A lieutenant answered the phone. I explained the situation and she asked what make the truck was. I said I think it was a Ford. The Lieutenant said that since nothing had combusted yet it was not their responsibility. I suggested in a string of expletives that one spark could cause the house to explode. She suggested I turn on the garden hose and dilute the oil and gas and contact my home insurance company.

I told her this is New Orleans. Nobody has home insurance. No company will sell us insurance. The Lieutenant was quiet for a moment then asked where the hired man bought his gas. I had no idea so I just said BP.

The Lieutenant connected me to the Bureau of Immigration and Naturalization. A man named Agent Sam was asking me about the hired man, who, by the way, I had not seen since he went through our porch and kitchen. I told Agent Sam that he had worked for me before and I didn’t know his last name. Everybody speaks with some kind of accent down here and the topic of soccer never came up so I don’t know if he calls it football. Yes, he does have a mustache.

Thirty-six hours later Obama and the press show up where my backdoor used to be. The President has his jacket off, his tie loosened and his sleeves rolled up. He wanted to know where he could find this foreigner who put the BP on me. I told him Pepe stops by once in while on Saturday mornings and asks if I have any work for him. I don’t expect to hear from him soon especially since the license plates on the truck were pre-Katrina.

The next day Secretary Hilary stopped by but with less entourage. She wanted to know what foreign power had destroyed my American dream. I told her Iran to get her out of my hair. She told me somebody would be in contact with me.

The next day the Pro Israeli lobby showed up and asked me if I was Jewish. I told them my rabbi was and that I was a radical Zionist internationalist who was attacked by locals even though everyone knows Louisiana has always been part of Greater Judea.

That evening representatives of Hamas dropped by and promised hookers and pizza. I showed them the check from the Jewish lobby and they said I should have held out for more.

England sent the Earl of Oil; the Saudis sent two Princes and India a naked old man with a mop. I was waiting for the Chinese. I put the order in two hours ago and I hate cold rice.

The Department of Homeland Security has set up a tent in our backyard and the Red Cross attendant hands out juice, water and doughnuts. My wife is putting on a pound a day. The kids are disaster celebrities at their school. I get interviewed pretty much daily and none of my socks match. I know for a fact this isn’t my underwear.

But in a few days this will all end. The Gulf oil is about to arrive. It is about to engulf us. Many of my neighbors have fled but unless they’re moving to the Moon they will never be out of its reach. We hit the Earth’s jugular vein and the oceans will be black before it empties. The shifting plates of the surface of Ea compressed the prehistoric compost into oil and diamonds. We used the diamonds to drill into our mother to make her bleed. Bleed gasoline, kerosene, plastic and jelly.

Soon the tit will run dry. No surprise, the way we suck. In less than a generation the American and German transportation systems will resemble those in rural India and China and will still be envied worldwide.

Don Arrup
Satire1

Dear Won,

I looked at Article 1 Section 8 of the Constitution which defines the powers of Congress and saw nothing to support the Health Care Bill or other social programs that arose out of the Twentieth Century. The powers are very pretty specific for most part. Now, I'm not a strict constructionist which I think is an arrogant stance to assume that we can know what the writers of the Constitution intended other than what they wrote.The Federalist Papers which argued for its creation was written by only a handful and is not what was ratified. Like the Declaration of Independence they are historically valuable but not part of the structure of governance. The straight up of the Constitution of course includes slaves as partial human beings for the sake of the Census and so on. Since slavery and other blatant racism was solidly and unmistakably written in the Constitution that would have to be taken into consideration in the reading of any original intent. I doubt the Amendments later added amended the minds of the originators.

The Republicans have a legitimate argument. I think with my very limited knowledge that the expansion of federal powers is more a matter of precedent. The New Deal created a federal bureaucracy that was later able to mobilize the country to arm the Allies to defeat the Axis and then rebuild Europe and fight the Cold War. The Second World War and its aftermath cemented a lot of the socialist programs across the industrialized world.

Libertarians say that the Fed should only be concerned with the common defense and a few other issues but I'm afraid the nature of international relations and especially America's role in the world has created such a huge military that it necessitated broader intrusion into the powers of the states and individuals lives. I don't know what would happen if American taxpayers weren't guaranteeing world stability.

So many programs started under different demographics. Social Security usually lasted for only a few years when most people died before 70. Welfare was literally called Widows and Orphans relief. Medicare like SS usually covered just a few years. I think the average was three in the first decade of its existence. In other words they were affordable programs when created. Our longevity has made them perhaps impossible to sustain. Even without all the expensive drugs and technologies the fact that our retirement years are seven times longer than when these programs were created pretty much dooms them and the country.

I like Kagan and hope that she is approved for the Supreme Court. I think she was wise to say little despite her comment years ago that nominees should just tell the Judiciary Committee what they really think. Though she is another southerner (she grew up more than twenty blocks south of center of the universe here at 95th Street) I will forgive her regional prejudices and hope that she is able to use the humor and deal cutting abilities she showed running Harvard Law.

I think that the New York Times like Fox News and Wall Street Journal argues from a very ideological position. When I was studying journalism in college the Times was considered more middle of the road than it is today. The country was more liberal then. Our exploding senior population and changing demographics necessitate fundamental changes in the relations between the government and individuals and businesses. I don't have the answers but I do believe that we can not continue on our present course.

This is nothing new. I am amused that history shifts the lines on us. With Social Security and Welfare near eighty years old it is actually conservative to defend these socialist programs. The Republican Party was founded on Abolition and Civil Rights. They were the radical liberals that literally tore the country apart with their election. Mind you, the country was hardly together in any way other than geographically before.

As a satirist I really just look at the rhetoric. I can barely make out if at all any of the reality that lies behind these debates. You can look at the facts but there are so many and which do you give weight to? Certainly many people are struggling but many of those live irresponsibly and deserve their lives. People who have worked hard from school to business create wealth for all and deserve to keep a large portion of it.

I do believe this. Our children are not born into equal circumstances. The government can not make up all the difference in what families provide. But we will decline as a country if we do not have some avenues for those of little means to develop and sell their talents in a free and fair marketplace. Is free and fair together possible? Only relatively.

The Preamble of the Constitution establishes Justice (a very big word even without the capital J) and promotes the general Welfare of the people along with Tranquility, Defense and Liberty as the goals of the country and government. These ideals are just that: ideals. We must accept them as such and not act like we have the "right" interpretation of what is really just a bare though brilliant outline of governance.

All Democracies are loud and contentious. That is how they operate. Issues change. The lines shift with time. Sound bites are just the latest form of sloganeering. Nobody likes paying taxes and everybody wants more. My most intense training in economics and politics was teaching Pre School. I often didn't have the answers then either but I did begin to learn how to listen. My family and friends cover the political spectrum including those wise souls who chose to ignore politics altogether. I respect them all and hope that I have pissed them all off one time or another with my satires. Almost all of my satires piss me off. I write them not only out of a sense of ego and patriotism but to ease my digestion and sooth my liver.

Politics quiets down a little this time of year as even politicians take vacations. The country remains both physically and emotionally hot while the economy stays anxiously cool. Take a break if you can. Go to a friend's daughter's wedding or just get away. The whole mess will be there waiting on your doorstep or your homepage when you return.

Stay Cool.

Don Arrup
Satire1

The Only Thing Worse Than The Economy Is The Weather

President Obama addressed the nation from the White House lawn yesterday:

“As you all know, the country has endured the hottest June on record and July is on course to continue the hell. Americans electrical bills are going through the roof whether you have central air conditioning or are getting by with just a fan. There are brown outs across the country. The unregulated unupdated electrical grid is on the brink of collapse threatening to jettison most of the country back into the Nineteenth Century.”

“No one disputes this. There is no debate. Just go outside. I hope it is not a symptom of global warming because if it is its too late. So I have asked Congress to pass legislation that will turn the passive and reactive National Weather Service into a proactive and formidable force that will not just predict and record the weather but shape it and regulate it to benefit all Americans.”

“Just think of the crops our farmers could grow secure in the knowledge that their federal government guarantees minimum weekly rainfall. Or of the summer jobs resorts would create knowing that vacationers know it will only rain, hail and hurricane in the early a.m. hours.”

“Television and movies could pursue more location shooting. Concerts and sporting events would never be cancelled. Every bride will be provided a sunny day for her special day. If my proposal is adopted and passed by Congress no American ever again will have to save for a rainy day. There will be no more rainy days.”

“And what do we hear from the Republicans? Can’t be done. Weather is up to God. Weather is a local issue. Who’s going to pay for it? To which I say it can be done. Weather used to be up to God but now it’s gone to the Devil. Both the heat waves and the electrical grid are not only multi-state but also multi-regional. And most importantly, the new National Weather Making Service will pay for itself within eighteen years of our initial investment of four trillion dollars.”

“So as the citizens suffer under oppressive heat, grandma can’t leave her house during the day and construction workers, athletes and children collapse of heat exhaustion and stroke the Republicans are chirping can’t be done and costs too much.”

“There are over four hundred thousand weather making and controlling devices on file at the Patent Office just waiting for investment. Native American tribes have over two hundred rain dances that could be performed on the scale of the Beijing Olympics opening ceremony wherever the country is suffering drought.”

“Can’t be done. That’s why they’re tying up the legislation. Because transforming the National Weather Service to fit the needs of American people is somehow an intrusion of government and a threat to our liberty.”

“They said man would never fly. Man will never set foot on the Moon. A Black man will never host the Tonight Show. We have seen what is possible when the American people put their minds and pocketbooks to work and I am telling you and the obstructionist Republicans and Blue Dog Democrats that mankind has suffered under the tyranny of Nature long enough.”

“I urge all Americans to write, email or call their Congressperson and tell them that you’re hot and you won’t take it anymore. “

Don Arrup
Satire1

Pink Thrill

The search for a female Viagra or Pink Viagra is sparking debate in the headlines again. Can a pill give the girls a thrill? Probably not. Certainly the pharmaceutical companies can increase blood flow to the pelvic area even concentrating it on the clitoris but that was never the problem.

In the pharmacopeias of Traditional Chinese Medicine male desire and performance has dozens of herbs to assist: deer horn, centipede, animal testes, horny goat weed and lamb to mention just a few. The sole female enhancer is Tibetan Saffron of which no one seems to bother to make extract vials or capsules you can buy at a convenience store. The number of Chinese alone testifies to their knowledge of sex.

So right now credit cards remain the most potent female aphrodisiac. Indeed, as a bald economist I speculate that the entire economy of the developed world would collapse if seduction could be concentrated into a pill. The only restaurants remaining would be fast food. Who would need a Porsche or a Cadillac? The gem trade would disappear. Movies would have to find real stories and most music would be patriotic. Chocolate would be for kids and fashion would conform to human comfort and functionality.

No one wants to live in a world like that. So for those with money splurge. For those with few bucks I’m afraid expenditures in consideration, patience and caring will have to continue into the fuckable future.

Don Arrup
Satire1

Dependence Day

President Obama addressed the nation in his weekly radio spot.

“Today, July 3rd 2010, marks another celebration of our dependence on the foreign governments and investors to keep afloat our unsustainable way of life as Americans. From the under priced goods from Asia’s sweatshops to the blind lending of the Chinese and Japanese governments our bounty is assured.”

“Tomorrow, we will celebrate Independence Day and indeed for a century or two we were independent but that is long gone now. Still, it is fitting to remember that Americans were at one time willing to buy goods made by Americans- even cars. American companies exploited our resources rather than British Petroleum. Hollywood movies weren’t made in Canada. And almost no one played soccer.”

"We should also remember that we once harvested our own food, mowed our own lawns, built our own homes and raised our own children. Now, with new immigration legislation in sight we can seal the borders, deport millions and decimate half our industries."

“Washington, Jefferson and Lincoln would have been proud of us in 1966. Now we remember Chairman Mao and Tojo as our forefathers. We had won World War Two for decades and the Cold War for over ten years but we sold those victories to cover our debts. Long live the People’s Republic of America in the Greater Global Co-Prosperity Sphere.”

Don Arrup
Satire1

BP Finally Plugs CEO's Hole

After weeks of baffling statements, gaffs and unintended insults the experts at British Petroleum have finally managed to shut the mouth of the oil giant’s CEO Tony Hayward but the public relations disaster following the environmental disaster is likely to continue for decades to come.

The “very very modest” ecological impact Hayward predicted had to be based on his Fantasy Island estimates of the extent of the spill. And while midgets and dwarfs throughout the Gulf States appreciated being remembered by the executive the common folk of the region reacted sharply to his use of the term “little people.”

“I think he had the Gulf mixed up with Ireland and was referring to the Wee People or Leprechauns who often bury their pots of gold by the coasts,” said Mantrix Haben, one of the public relations execs credited with plugging Hayward’s hole. “And his statement about holding yacht races on the Gulf because the slick would make for a faster run was not well thought out.”

Vice President Joe Biden sympathized with Hayward. “No one quotes the brilliant things you say but one slip up can spread faster and stick longer than the oil slick in the Gulf.”

Don Arrup
Satire1

Border States & Drug Cartels Overthrow Mexico

In a stunning military and diplomaniac reversal US Border States succeed from the Union to help overthrow the United States of Mexico. California, Texas and Arizona join with the Drug and Oil Cartels to form a new mobacracy on the Southern Border. Mexican President Felipe Calderon signed the unconditional surrender yesterday dissolving the Mexican Revolutionary government that has ruled almost democratically since the 1917 Revolution.

Fighting continues on US Army and Navel bases across the southwest with San Diego’s navel base still holding out when last reported. Twelve US Senators and eighty-four Congressmen were summarily executed for treason and a lousy Health Care Bill at dawn as federal agencies and the Pentagon scour their ranks for rebels.

Rush Limbaugh admits that the Gulf oil spill was probably not the sabotage of Green Activists but of Texas Rangers seeking to continue the chaos in the Gulf region as the country became used to New Orleans being a f-ing mess. “It’s possible it wasn’t four eggheads with goatees who caused the Gulf disaster after all,” said Rush. “It’s just that every time I visit four miles below the floor of the ocean there is always someone there wearing a t shirt.”

Israel and Monaco joined the US in declaring war on the newly formed Grande Tio States while England, China and the European Union deliberate on alternative sources of barbeque sauce.

The new government is said to be writing a constitution that guarantees all the freedoms taken from Americans in the last century. “You can smoke anything you want anywhere and shoot anyone who looks at you,” said Popeye Fifi, who as the only major gangster who is bilingual has taken on extraordinary powers in the new hideout. “All private property is protected by superior firepower and an equitable extortion rate will replace tyrannous taxation. Anyone who gets seriously ill will be put out of their misery at little cost to the hood and since almost no one will survive to old age there is no need for a social security system. “

“Our constitution will guarantee freedom from lawyers and insurance salesmen along with a complete dissolution of all regulations. It’s not let the buyer beware but the buyer is armed. All disputes will be handled in a hail of bullets and may the best thug survive.”

Hailed as a Libertarian paradise on the Wall Street Journal’s front page until Obama’s secret army smashed the presses and liquidated the editorial staff the Grande Tio States are already petitioning the International Olympic Committee for a Tucson Games. “We’re still debating whether to introduce nude volleyball or mud wrestling to the events.”

Don Arrup
Satire1

In Memoriam

Satire1 again suspends its wit this post in honor of those individuals and their families whose sacrifice makes this and other blogs like it possible.

Don Arrup
Satire1

Thow The Bums Out Vote The Fools In

Turnover time.
Give me a rhyme
I know there ain’t no reason.

Rage yeah.
I’m pissed off too.
If you didn’t make millions in the last three years then you were getting screwed,
I think my dick’s getting smaller.

Recession.
Unemployment doesn’t mean there is less work.
It means less people are doing it and not getting paid more.

Bailout.
Who flooded the boat?
Who’s working the bucket and getting soaked?

Tea Party.
The Founding Fathers never agreed on what the Constitution meant.
Original intent? Of who?
Even today we are not as fractured as they were then.
But yelling’s American.

Reform.
We’re too broke to get into another war.
Two will have to do.
Loan sharks now explain how they’re screwing you.
Banks still gambol with your money.
Wall Street smiles like a skull with a cross bones tie.
So we’ve given the regulators more power to lie.

Don Arrup
Satire1

GOP Claims Kagen Didn't Put Out In High School

Among the rumors of lipstick lesbian liberalism and community activism haunting the nomination of Elena Kagan, Solicitor General of the United States, to become an Associate Justice on the Supreme Court new allegations referring back to her adolescent dating conduct have emerged.

“We went out three times in the spring of 1977 and I couldn’t get as much as a hand job,” said Hiram Pullman. “This in 1977 and on the Upper West Side of Manhattan! It’s only now that I realize that she must have been part of the early Taliban.”

“I took her to a movie and sprung for a Sumo burger at Big Nicks and never saw second base,” said Peiro Hubby, “What’s the point of going out with a liberal if you ain’t going to get some?”

“She wanted to talk is what I remember,” said Hobart Ponk. “About topics like personal values and relationships and it was the Seventies. I think she was trying to convert me to Communism.”

“Hunter College Whorehouse is what we used to call the Prep she attended,” said Makem Fish. “I went out with her one time and knew she was going to Princeton. Nobody gets laid there.”

“Death to pantsuits, “ said Noel Nuthing. “A woman’s legs are as beautiful as her face and though not nearly as expressive legs never lie.”

Don Arrup
Satire1

Migration

In an emergency session Congress passed breakthrough Immigration legislation declaring oil from the Gulf of Mexico approaching our southern coastline an illegal migration. The bill President Obama immediately signed calls for the harshest punitive measures in federal criminal law. Oil crossing into our sovereign waters will be ignited and burnt into smoke. Outside our territorial coastline oil will be sucked up and brought back to explode in our engines, mold into plastic and make jelly. The rest will be dissolved by super solvents providing equal poison to three continents.

The Coast Guard, the Census Bureau and Obama’s secret shock army are rushing to the Gulf States to meet the invasion. British Petroleum in cahoots with Halliburton has sunk a concrete box the size of Brooklyn on the breach.

“We expect the Gulf to keep this shit to itself until we chose to take it,” said BP spokesman X. “When is the Earth going to realize that it is our tit to suck on as we please?” In responding to the dome’s projected eighty-five percent efficiency Mr. X said, “Sure, at least fifteen percent will leak out but that is still a hell of a lot better than the wall the U.S. put up against it’s Mexican boarder and it’s patrolled.”

Advocates for Oil Migration staged protests across the country. “This oil is what is left of the original life on this planet and if you wake it up it will spread out under the Sun.”

“I can’t eat shrimp anyway,” said X. “And in a hundred years this will all be forgotten.”

Don Arrup
Satire1

Spill, Spill, Spill

On April 20th an explosion on an offshore oil rig killed 11 workers and has released an oil slick estimated to cover 3,850 square miles by the month’s end. Since British Petroleum owns the rig the problem is not seen as a concern for the United States except for the 20 million locals inconvenienced by the disaster. The well was capped by Halliburton, the giant multinational construction corporation that owns Iraq and Texas, which denies that former Vice President Dick Cheney was in any way involved.

In 2009, BP had issued an exploration and environmental impact analysis that suggested that any oil spill would have little impact to the coast and indeed the coast of England appears to be unaffected by the spillage. Still, it being an election year, Obama sent in the Coast Guard to take any and all measures deemed necessary to make sure the slick does not reach to the North Sea.

“Even though BP is not an American company I feel we should take some responsibility for oil drilled just 45 miles off our coastline.” Obama said. “As for the red states affected by this foreign disaster we’ll respect their desire to keep the federal government out of their affairs”

President Obama has issued a suspension of all off shore oil drilling until the safety of British coastlines can be assured. “If this spill destroys any of the marine life in England they won’t have their kippers and fish and chips. When I was visiting England that was the only food I could keep down.”

Don Arrup
Satire1

Transparency

In compliance with the new enforcement policy of the Securities and Exchange Commission we here at Goldman Sachs wish to reword some of our recent product proposals.

CHUMP FUND
Specifically designed by John Paulson president of the Up Your Shorts Hedge Fund to implode with the popping of the Housing Bubble. A perfect tax shelter for any individual or profit seeking institution that suffers the possibility of a higher tax bracket, Chump Fund promises to throw your money away hopefully in the direction of Mr. Paulson and Goldman Sachs.

GOLDMAN GAMBOL
Buy shares in Goldman Sachs where the value of your dollar is in our pocket. Go with the richest, most over compensated pirates in three-piece suits and be assured that as we gambol recklessly with your money and the nation’s economy the price of our executive’s shares can never go down.

BONER BONUSES
Cut out the middlemen and boring prospectuses and invest your money directly in our upper management’s bonus compensation program. You will be supporting the talented creators of the Great Recession and helping to keep our analysts off the high seas where our Navy can’t find them.

And remember the Goldman Sachs motto:

Never in the history of money has so much damage been done to so many by so few.

Don Arrup
Satire1

Grounded

Europe is grounded by second hand smoke
As Hell prepares the barbeques for a bumper crop
Of bankers, brokers, Monsanto and health care reformers.
Got to turn up the heat.

Global warming.
Carbon emissions probably don’t help
But considering the elbowing among those rushing for the bowels of Hell
Hell must be growing.
The immoral infrastructure of our world is being upgraded.
Brimstone had to be fetched from Mars and Pluto.

I’ll be damned.
I’ll be insured. I’ll be in debt, up Shit’s Creek, in the same boat,
I’ll be a volcano.
Right now I’m just smoking.

Don Arrup
Satire1

Reject List For Judge Stevens Replacement

Supreme Court Justice Paul Stevens was the conservative centerist choice of President Gerald Ford. By the time he announced his retirement this week he was considered the liberal lion. After the recent bipartisan honeymoon called Health Care Reform conflict is likely to return over confirmation of his replacement.

Republicans will veto:

Moses- too Jewish. Immigrant. 2cd billing in the Koran. No beards.

Jesus Christ- too liberal. Incites class warfare and too concerned with poor and outcasts.

Abraham Lincoln- big spender. Poured half the economy into a hopeless war. Never popular in South and Anti-States Rights. Willing to extend citizenship to people who labor underpaid and without rights at shit jobs. Taxed everything that moved.

Thomas Jefferson- too gay. Speaks perfect French and was only Founding Father besides Washington who didn’t look ridiculous in knee britches.

Al Gore- too green.

Hilary Clinton- too Clinton.

John Stewart- too honest.


Democrats will veto:

Moses-Applies Death Penalty to misdemeanors. Not a lawyer.

Jesus Christ- too conservative. Spiritual leader of Pro Life Movement though views on abortion have never been recorded. Also not a lawyer.

Abraham Lincoln- too fascist. Suspended Habis Corpus and instituted first military conscription just after war lost public support.

Thomas Jefferson- too States Rights.

Al Gore- too Al Gore.

Hilary Clinton- enough Clinton!

John Stewart- too funny. They’ve got Biden for laughs.

Don Arrup
Satire1

April Fool Ten

GM granted patent on the wheel.

Sophia Loren’s patent on cleavage reinstated.

Poland Spring and Budweiser still contesting water.

When did God go broke? When did Nature cash out? How much does it cost to go to Heaven? I won’t even ask about Hell but I know Madoff qualified.

We used to split hairs. Then we split the atom. Now we dice our chromosomes. What next?



When is somebody going to create a new color? Purple is just a bitch between red and blue. Green is a lie.


I wake up scared and go to bed screaming and my bills are paid.


If Popeye the Sailor Man lived in a garbage can in good times where the hell is he now?


Europeans To Create New Universe With Supercollider

Though it will be much smaller than the Universe we live in scientists hope to engineer their Not So Big Bang to evolve into a manageable sized universe without some of the plagues of our existence.
“Imagine a world without disease, taxes or pop up ads. And if you want a human race without lawyers, bankers and game show hosts you basically have to start over.”

Don Arrup
Satire1

*Satire1 celebrates its third year of weekly attempts to make sense of the nonsense we endure.

Make Census

Article 1 Section 2 of The Constitution of the United States calls for a enumeration of the populace every ten years in each of the States to determine the amount of Congresspersons to be elected to the House of Representatives. The data is only released in a statistical form while personal information of respondents is protected by regulation, law and the integrity of the Census Bureau employees. Personal information can be released 72 years after collection but until that time it can not be viewed by anyone outside the Bureau even the FBI and Immigration authorities. The statistical information is important in the distribution of Federal and State funds for infrastructure and services and to have any idea of just what the hell is actually going on with we the people on the most basic level.

Experience the truly rare moment of equality as you are acknowledged as a human being that dwells among us within the borders of these United States. Fill out and mail without charge your Census form and remember that you are Uncle Sam or Aunt Samantha. Stand up and be counted.

Don Arrup
Satire1

Don't Care Bill

After a sweeping backroom grand compromise between Republican and Democratic leadership both houses of Congress unanimously passed the Don’t Care Bill effectively making the occurrence of illness in the uninsured a federal crime. Obama immediately held a press conference promising to sign.

“For years and especially since the financial crisis more and more American families have been asking themselves what will they do if they can’t afford health insurance and then get sick. Well now, after intense months of negotiating and courageous bipartisan compromise we have an answer for the American people: You will go to prison.”

“This bill provides for minimal care to be provided in a safe, secure penitentiary at no cost to the patient and their convalescence will be counted as time served on their sentence. Now this is minimal care. If you are on fire we will put you out. If you have cancer we won’t let you smoke. These are serious scientific and cost effective therapies that have been approved by a majority of accountants and they are the road to restoring the health of our economy.”

“For decades, while every other industrialized nation instituted some form of universal care, we Americans have been having the same old argument. Do you want a government bureaucrat deciding whether you live or die or would you prefer an accountant at an insurance company making that call?”

“And this criminalization will create jobs for Americans. We obviously will never compensate experienced nurses enough to educate nursing students so why not go with the fiscally sound alternative of minimum wage prison guards?”

“Our correctional industry has enjoyed record growth in the last decade and appears to be recession proof. We can offer relief for cash strapped state governments at both ends by combining their prison systems with Medicaid and produce a savings for tax payers on both the state and federal levels.”

“As our population ages along with the explosion in obesity and diabetes Americans will never again have to worry about what to do about the uninsured. There will be no uninsured only the unincarcerated.”

Don Arrup
Satire1

Investment Planning For The Terminally Ill

Okay, let’s say you have three months to live. How can you make your retirement fund stretch comfortably to summer in our imploding economic times? Here are a few simple tips to make your golden spring a lasting one.

First, no treasury bills. You will almost certainly outlive the American dollar. Forget the Euro. It’s already dropping faster than your pants. Greece and Spain are as doomed as New York and California. You’ll be glad you’re not alive when they hit the fan. So forget about anything that is issued by a government.

The Stock Market, on any exchange, is a computer game and the game is over. Gold is too heavy and you won’t be able to give away silver or precious stones except to children if there still are any.

Real Estate is generally frowned upon. Climatic changes are accelerating. By next week hurricanes, tsunamis, volcanic eruptions and earthquakes will be considered mild weather. Buy caves. Caves will be the hot market in real estate before the end of April.

Firearms but most of all ammunition will be the currency in the coming months. So I would suggest a four to six hundred to one ratio of ammo to firearm depending on your trigger finger. Those hoping to survive six months should simply purchase, extort and steal all they can get. Though the price of grenades, bazookas and heavy machine guns has skyrocketed this winter they are still a bargain at any price. You have to have a few heavy hitters in your portfolio in order to not be exposed.

But most importantly, and I cannot emphasize this enough, buy some ass. Ass is a good investment in any economic climate and it will help you get your mind off your investments and death.

Don Arrup
Satire1

Taliban Overruns Alaska

The combined forces of Pakistani and Afghan Taliban along with the powerful Yemenis navy have seized the ports of Juno and Fairbanks and are cleansing the state of board games and harmonicas. The Super TaliYemBan (STY) as the expeditionary force calls itself has not yet declared mission accomplished claiming that they did not come for gold or oil but to capture President Palin.

“We watch her on Saturday Night Satellite and want her legs,” a spokesman said. “We get her in a burka and we go.”

Former Governor Sarah Palin said that she has never eaten a falafel and believes that nightgowns shouldn’t cover the face. “Maybe if you break out in a lot of zits or have an Stephan King night with your husband.”

Palin expressed regret that her home state had fallen into foreign hands but felt that the federal government should for the most part stay out of it. “I can understand the United State Military sending troops to take back the air bases, navel facilities and pipeline but as for the towns and villages I believe that Alaskans should liberate themselves.”

Senate Majority Leader Reid immediately dismissed Alaska’s two senators and House Speaker Nancy Pelosi asked the FBI to arrest the former 49th state’s sole congressman as an enemy combatant. “I always felt that after 9/11 we should have invaded Alaska,” said Speaker Pelosi. “It has always been a terrorist state and what a lot of Americans don’t realize is that the award winning television program Northern Exposure was shot in Washington State and was written by New Yorkers. So Alaska has never really been anything except an oil rich Muslim Canadian province. They play ice hockey all year for Christ’s sakes. That is not American.”

President Obama responded that Alaska couldn’t have been conquered at a better time. “Since we’re adopting Afghanistan we might as well make it a state. This will give the Afghan people something to bitch about besides our flying murder robots. After they survive our April 15th the drones will be no big deal. And we won’t have to change our flag.”

Native Americans of the region say they don’t care which white people tyrannize the other white people but they like the new guys’ caps.

Don Arrup
Satire1

Sick Summit

Obama addressed the Congressional audience.

“My butt hurts. This legislation has been given me an insufferable pain in my butt. The American people want to know what you are going to do about it?”

Sen. Mack
I have a doughnut but it’s going to cost you.

Rep. Henny
This recession has been a pain in everyone’s butt. If we don’t provide affordable doughnuts to all the American people more citizens will be forced to go to emergency rooms to get their doughnut time.

Rep. Poohba
That will raise the price of everyone’s doughnut. We must be honest with the American people.

Sen. Jacktaw
No, if the market forces you so religiously believe in work at all it should drive down the cost of doughnuts. The market will be more efficient with more butts for more doughnuts.

Sen. Snowball
You need a nurse to assist you in getting a properly fitting doughnut then a therapist to make sure its not cutting off your circulation. There’s a nursing shortage that is exploding in our faces and we still won’t pay experienced nurses to teach nursing students.

Obama
I’ve been sitting on a soaked phonebook taped in a garbage bag. It works pretty well but it’s not a permanent solution. Besides, I already promised the doughnut makers that we wouldn’t press them for a deal for Medicaid or Medicare.

Rep. Haley
Now my butt hurts.

Rep. Twiddle
Are you sure your butt hurts, Mr. President? Have you had your butt cat scanned? It might be a psychological problem. I vote for more tests.

Sen. Twig
Now we all know that God put us on this Earth to make doctors and lawyers millionaires but God was wrong. Only doctors should be millionaires. We must do something about Tort Reform.

Obama
I advise everyone here who was never been a lawyer to vote for Tort Reform.

Rep. Blight
Economists of every stripe agree that the needs of the American people can only be met by a combination of higher taxes and reduced doughnuts. We all know the answer to this problem.

Sen. Cane
Why is it every time we’re fighting two wars, in a near depression, the state governments default and a generational tsunami is about to crash on us you want to raise taxes?

Rep. Blob
Why should we give up anything? Or leave anything in the peoples pockets for the insurance companies and banks to pick?

Obama
Let me see that doughnut.

Don Arrup
Satire1

Mad Hatter

Tea Party!

March Hare couldn’t wait through the snow. Got to go. Got to go.

Bailout. Foreclosure. Reform. Deficit. Iraq. Afghanistan.

The Lie that is too big to fail.

Bring gold to the Tea Party. Bring guns and rage. Washington is too far away. Further than London was when our pappies broke away. Richmond couldn’t divorce Washington. It was just a stone’s throw away.

Away.

I don’t disagree with the Tea Party. Rich guys run everything. There is no secret agenda. They want to be richer. Borders are only maintained by race, religion and hate (or indifference in the case of Canada). The entire planet and our Moon will be one McDonald’s franchise before the decade is through. I don’t disagree with the outlook of the Tea Party. I just don’t understand why they didn’t figure it out when they were thirteen.

Every American should read the Constitution if only to see it is not the Bible, Wall Street Journal or New York Times. The Declaration of Independence does not apply. It was a letter of resignation to an insane monarch. All men are created equal but we’re keeping slavery. Women forget it. And there’s nothing about guns in it.

No taxation without masturbation. Sarah Palin reads her hand. The millionaire she ran with didn’t win. It was the whitest guy in the Millionaires Club versus the blackest guy. History was made. A millionaire became President.

I wish Sarah Palin wrote on her thigh. Now that would be some reading.

Don Arrup
Satire1

Saint Valentine's Day Massacred

Righteous Valentine, patron saint of overpriced chocolates and extortion rate roses; of lonely eating ice cream and tear jerk movies; of the fear of forgetful husbands and despondent single women. Your birthday for many is “You’re alone and nobody loves you day.” Yet we celebrate you still.

For men Valentine’s Day is a shake down pure and simple. As children threaten havoc if not candied on Halloween, women stew an ocean of wrath and tears if they are not honored this cold holiday. Children, who adults rule most of the year, deserve the tables turned before all saints feast. Women, who men oppressed but never ruled, deserve sweets and pretties for being the inserted.

Lovers who can be together rejoice. Those who are alone choose to think themselves so. South of what used to be the border today is called Dia de Amor y la Amistad. Day of Love and Friendship.

It is also Chinese New Year. Go Tigers!

Don Arrup
Satire1

The Roberts Court Reading

We the Corporations of the United States, in order to form a more perfect stranglehold, destroy Justice, insure domestic Subservience, provide for the common Enslavement, promote obscene Profit and secure the Blessing of unbridled Lobbying to ourselves and no one who actually works, do ordain and establish this constitution for the United States of America.

BILL OF WRONGS
Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion unless it is Evangelical Christian, or prohibit the free exercise thereof including murder, child marriage and the denial of civil rights to queers; or abridging the freedom of speech if speech is understood to be money, or of the press if it is apart of a large syndicate, or the right of industries to menacingly amass and petition the Government for a redress of grievances.

A well regulated Militia, being necessary to the security of a free State is totally irrelevant to the Second Amendment which allows that anyone who is willing to surrender their vote against all reason to powers who could not give a crap about them can own, carry and threaten their neighbors with whatever weapon of individual or mass destruction they can get their hands on.

The right of the people to be secure in their persons, houses, papers and effects from unreasonable searches and seizures is over and it ain’t coming back, baby.

Don Arrup
Satire1

*Satire1 celebrates its 100th post. Thank you, readers. Both of you.

Dance Of Death

When Potomac High began to plan their Winter Dance Student Council President Oba deferred the details to the student representatives and the senior class committee. Nancy told the reps they could have anything they wanted and Harry told the seniors nothing would happen if they didn’t approve. So Nancy and her group planned an all night buffet cruise while Harry and the seniors feared the money for their Prom would be depleted.

As both groups seemed to be acting totally on their own students began to ask President Oba what he thought should be done. Oba said he would look at the final plans the two student groups agreed on.

Soon things got ugly. Nancy’s reps wanted to spend their whole treasury on this one big dance and soon seniors were threatening Harry about various details of the extravaganza Nancy’s group was planning.

“It can’t be on a boat. My boyfriend gets sea sick.”
“We’ll need a religious band. My parents won’t let me listen to Hip Hop.”
“We’ll need chaperones who can lifeguard,”
“I don’t want my senior class dues going to underclassmen who can’t afford the ticket. It’s not even a Prom.”
“My eye hurts.”

Harry asked Oba secretly to intervene. Oba said he couldn’t do anything for the student’s eye and no one can dance to religious music.

The date for the dance was approaching. A deposit on a boat must be put down. The Drama Club had already booked the gym and was making their sets. Girls had bought Go-Go boots. Oba addressed the entire school on the intercom. He told them to stop acting like children. He might as well have asked them to stop being horny.

Don Arrup
Satire1

King

Remembered.

Don Arrup
Satire1

Health Care For Dummies

Though the trillions of dollars spent by U.S. government (U.S. reads us suckers) on two wars along with the some day stimulus package pale in comparison to the exploding cost of health care members of the House of Representatives continue to represent the whose interests?

Rep. A Hole of Old Mexico
“I believe the poor should suffer otherwise there’s no incentive to dig out of their drug infested hole to work and get drunk at a wine bar.”

Rep. B S of Cornbraska
“Keeping working people healthy will kill jobs. For years employers have had to hire five people to fill four positions due to perfectly treatable ailments which keep workers bedridden 20% of their working lives.”

Rep. C Nada of Shitagan
“What’s good for General Motors is good for the country- when there was a country.”

Rep. D Zasster of Taxes
“Cowboys only went to the doctor if they were shot.”

Rep. E Nuff of Pennsilpusha
“Our hospitals can’t handle the load now. Just make more mobile clinics where registered nurses can tell people what’s murdering them.”

Rep. F Ewe of New York
“We just gave billions to AIG and now you want us to make it harder for them to make a profit?”

Rep. G Whiz of Pillinious
“When my daughter sprained her ankle playing soccer we had to wait for almost twenty minutes in a room full of badly dressed people before my aides got us in.”

Rep. H Elle of Momtana
“I say cut taxes on alcohol and people will complain less.”

Rep. I Sorender of Horegon
“We give free health care to illegal aliens and captured terrorists and now you want Americans covered?”

Rep. J Erk of Malabama
“Any Christian can be healed by their preacher. Half the Jews in my state are doctors and the Muslims and Buddhists all dress like they’re in the hospital anyway.”

Rep. K Oh of Hennesee
“I feel fine. I don’t know what the problem is.”

Don Arrup
Satire1

Senator Claims To Have Read Health Bill

The rumor mill in the United States Senate reached fever pitch with outbreaks of “You lie” and fisticuffs on the Senate floor. A historic debate is underway as the Senate returned early from their New Year break when the blogsphere exploded with unsubstantiated accusations that an unnamed Senator from a western state read the entire 997 page Senate Health Insurance Makeover Bill. Satire1 gathered off the record statements from Senators from both parties and around the country.

“I’ve stated publicly and almost honestly that I haven’t read a single word of that mess but I was one of the five Senators in the hall who heard the Senator make the claim. I’ve known and worked with this Senator for sixteen years and quite frankly I was surprised to hear he could read.”

“If you don’t read it out loud it doesn’t count.”

“The first hundred pages are exciting because it threatens to suggest change. The second hundred pages are shameless pork and I could tell what the end was going to be before I read another twenty pages. A blowjob for the Insurers and a hand job for the insured.”

“We can’t get any concrete proposals from the medical community but it’s our own fault. If we want reform we should be recruiting medical students from reform schools.”

“You can’t tell anything about a Senate bill by reading it. It’s how it plays out in the real world that counts. Since this is a medical bill I demanded we give the text an MRI. Isn’t that the answer to everything these days.”

“Health Care makes me sick.”

Don Arrup
Satire1