Dear Uncle Samta

Though I’ve been a good boy I’ve had a rough year. I need 15 billion dollars to fix my car. I fell behind in my mortgage 700 billion and I was supposed to help my brother out in New Orleans. I somehow got myself into two wars. One came at me and the other was just there. That was a while ago but you know how wars are, easy to start and hell to finish. I’m losing my job and healthcare coverage. I’ve got no public transportation, the gas station is half way around the world and everything in the supermarket is made of corn that’s made from petroleum. I should have gone green a long time ago but I thought I could handle the beard.

I’m frightened Uncle Samta. This is definitely beyond worry. Everything I was worried about happened only it was ten times worse than I thought it would be. And it’s not over. I don’t know if it will ever be.

I used to be a leader. Now I’m just the guy with the big car and the big dog who goes in other people’s yards. The stink is on me. It’s hard to see ahead when what’s right in front of me scares me. I need to take care of my family. Need to find my kids good schools and afford them some opportunity. The tropical rainforests might be disappearing but the jungle is thicker than ever. My wife and I wear different colors and can’t listen to the other’s radio. The only thing we have in common now besides the kids is the belief that the other is wrong.

I don’t even know what to ask for. I thought maybe more money but what’s the use of throwing paper into a firestorm? I’ll try to save some things but everyone will hate me before this is through and with good reason. This is my fault. If the buck could stop evaporating for a moment it would stop here. Still, my finger aches to point in every direction. I guess it is easier to be angry than to be scared so I guess I should go from there.

Dear Uncle Samta, bring me courage, compassion, tolerance, patience and vision. Remind me that I have been frightened before, broke before and still found the heart to tame bullies and help my neighbors in need. Hold me to my ideals in this time of crisis. Raise your expectations and harden your judgment as I move into this time of no easy.

Happy Holidays.

Sincerely,
Don Arrup
Satire1

Bush Admits He Needed The Shoes

We don’t have a cobbler in the White House or at the ranch. And I try not to wear my cowboy boots at diplomatic functions. I have a lot of those. My valet, Leonard, is great. He’s kept the tops of my dress shoes looking brand new but those red carpets are like sandpaper. I put a piece of newspaper in the bottom. Folded up the editorial page of the New York Times with the Op-ed and I thought I was good for the day but I was through my socks before I got into the car to the press conference. So I pulled over the head of my Secret Service detail and said Chief, you’ve got dossiers on all these Iraqi journalists. Find out if any of them are wear a 9 1/2 AA shoe. Then check them out to see if they’re wearing black today and invite them to a private audience. Well, there were only two. One was a mullah or something with these I don’t know genie shoes, I guess. They were black and I like pointy toes but not curled up in the air. The other Iraqi citizen, the one in custody now, had on something that looked like shoes and they were black so I offered him a hundred dollars and an exclusive interview. I don’t know how much he paid for the shoes but they were obviously not new anymore. I thought it was a fair price. He accepted and we shook hands on it before we touched our feet. But when he took off his shoes it was like a bio-funk bomb exploded. I immediately turned away but even my hanker chef couldn’t save my eyes and nostrils from burning. The Secret Service guys tackled him and put his shoes back on. They deserve a medal for that. I apologized as best I could without breathing and gave him the hundred dollars and thanked him and promised to still grant the exclusive interview over the phone before I returned to the states.

Now, I can appreciate that his feelings were hurt. We all have feelings. We all know what that is like. And we all know very bad things can happen with shoes. I did my best to apologize and offered full compensation for the shoes I didn’t want. I thought he accepted my apology. It was hard to tell since by that point I couldn’t see clearly and my ears were ringing like Dick Cheney had shown me his gun collection. I’m not saying that what he did was right. I’m just saying that if when it comes to shoes there are different rules, ones that are not written down. They don’t differ culture to culture. They are understood or I should say misunderstood universally. Now the law can’t make a whole parallel set of circumstances for shoes. It’s not okay to kill your wife with your shoes. A dog maybe. And you can kill your dog because of your shoes. He chewed them up or disrespected them with his leg up. But the law is the law and I expect the Iraqis will dispense justice. I just feel sorry for whoever has to share a cell with him. I hope it’s a terrorist because those shoes will come off again and God help whoever is in that room.

Don Arrup
Satire1

GM Goes Green (With Your Green)

Check out some the exciting new models as General Motors Corporation unleashes its new line of proposed vehicles to meet the demands of the increasingly environmentally aware Americans.

GMC Dracula uses the latest biotechnology to give us a sports car that runs on human blood. Available with driver and passenger I-Vs so you can fuel your car as you drive. GM promises that the Dracula Hybrid, which can run on any mammal’s blood, should be out by next year. Should reduce green house effects and the need for more wars more than any other vehicle.

Chevy Cobber runs on corn oil. Since corn now makes up almost half of America’s diet why not feed the car as well. This family car also allows kids to pop corn in the carburetor while you drive. Perfect for going to the drive in.

Mini Hummer is an environmentally friendly SUV that seats only one platoon or catholic family. While doubling the gas mileage of previous models it still retains the killer crusher power on impact with other vehicles. Hillbilly armor extra.

Pontiac Pisser runs on urine and features a built in motorman’s helper so you can whiz your way to work. Why piss all your money away on petroleum gasoline when all you need to go is to go.

Don Arrup
Satire1

Online Shoppers Express Trample Envy

From coast to coast shoppers killed clerks and each other in celebration of Black Friday the traditional start of the holiday shopping season.

“Nothing could be more American than clawing your way over injured bodies to save a few bucks,” said Milford Miff, second assistant mob manager at the Valley Stream Wal-Mart in Long Island where a holiday hire was trampled to death Friday. “Its all part of our company’s master plan. Refuse to sell anything made with a living wage. Impoverish the populace and then hire a few while addicting the rest to our sales. It’s a shame really that it was a young person. We would have much preferred it to be one of the Moms or Pops whose local store we closed.”

Fifteen miles to the east at the Farmingdale Wal-Mart shoppers trampled each other. One shopper sought medical treatment only after she finished shopping. “Let’s keep our priorities straight,” she was heard to say.

Meanwhile in California Toys “R” Us shoppers decided it was more efficient to shoot each other to get to the cashiers. “I saw the men pull the guns out,” said Elbow Clugg who was at the next cashier, “but I didn’t think anything of it. I mean it is a toy store.”

Staff Sergeant Wiley Rambol who has just recently returned from his third tour in Iraq wore his M-16 on shoulder as he shopped offered these thoughts. “I have been afraid to come out into public since returning to the states. After the relative calm of Baghdad, its really tough facing my fellow countrymen when there is a sale close to Christmas. I would have done all my shopping in Iraq but the instructions are in Arabic and their fruitcakes smell funny. My wife has been terribly worried about my safety since I’ve returned. As if she didn’t have enough to worry about with our three kids in school. She prays everyday that the kids will survive long enough to enlist so the government can send them someplace safe. What we need in this country is a surge to get things under control.”

After Friday’s news online shoppers began organizing “mall mauls” around the country so they would not be denied the full holiday experience. “We have people in every state directing Amazon and EBay shoppers to locations where they can fight over ridiculous toys and have the sort of punk rock pit experience that holiday shopping has become,” said Rob Crouch, online activist and former Hooters Santa. “Christmas is about outdoing your neighbor and for people who live in apartments and shop online there just isn’t any chance to rub anyone’s face in it.”

Don Arrup
Satire1

Thanks No Thanks Giving

Reasons to be thankful

We are in only two wars.

The banks will be saved.

Auto-execs still have their private planes.

Hurricanes have blown off New Orleans.

Gas prices are down.

Politicians are back in their capitals.

The campaign is over.

The bubble has burst.

There is nothing left to hit the fan.

We’ve reached the peak of Shit Creek.

Give me a wing.

Reasons to be not thankful

Now that corn accounts for almost half the calories Americans eat, either through processed food or in corn fed meat, I propose we call ourselves Corn-Americans. Pop my cob.

Wall Street thought housing was the new corn. Just grind up everyone’s dreams together and you’ve got McDonald’s. Everything worked out. Out of the corn hole.

Don Arrup
Satire1

Headlines 2009

King Putin Declares New Cold War Has Begun
Pledges Russia will use all its might to keep God-ridden American communism from infecting the free world.

Blue China Begins Mass Arrests of Pro American Communist Sympathizers
Asks where did the crazy Americans get these ideas?

The Wall Street Worker’s Journal Celebrates May Day
Markets rise in anticipation of a new revolution.

Ford Bureau Of Investigation Refuses Cooperation With Chrysler Intelligence Agency
Still haggling over how to divide the 500 billion allocated to Automotive Intelligence.

No Bank Survives To Foreclose On Mortgages
The Fed forms Financial Gestapo to hold buyers in homes under house arrest as they still want to walk away from crummy sheetrock whack-ups.

Iran Pledges To End Occupation Of Alaska Early In Next Decade
Claims aggressive action was needed in anarchic 50th state to stabilize world oil markets and protect wolves.

Delaware Secedes From The United States
Claims country never recognized its unique accent and wants to print its own postage stamps. “We’re bigger than Monoco.”

Mafia Asks Washington To Nationalize Heroin and Cocaine Business
Warns laying off tens of thousands of drug dealers could lead to a spike in burglary and littering.

Paris Hilton Announces Her Candidacy For 2012
Hasn’t decided what office to run for and can’t remember if her boobs are really hers.

Chicago Cubs Win World Series
Sure sign of the Apocalypse.

Don Arrup
Satire1

Obama Dream Team

President Elect Barack Obama has promised to assemble not only the best and brightest minds of our time but of all time to help him in his upcoming administration. Below is a list of likely candidates for secretaries of top posts.

Treasury…Karl Marx, no wimpy socialist.
Defense…William Penn, killer pacifist Quaker.
State…Adolph Hitler, light-handed negotiator.
Interior…Sigmund Freud, the inside of your skull is his sky.
Posterior…Mariah Carey, between boyfriends.
Health & Human Services…Ronald McDonald, dietary expert & educator.
Commerce…Tony Soprano, knows business.
Labor…Paris Hilton, real blue collar ethic.
Corn (formerly Agriculture)…Michael Pollan, omnivore’s answer.
Energy…Rip Van Winkle, has ground covered.
Veterans Affairs…Yankee Doodle, seen it all.
Education…Pandora, will open box on school vouchers.
Housing & Urban Development…Ebenezer Scrooge, prisons are housing.
Homeland Security…Osama Bin Laden, knows our vulnerable spots.
Management & Budget…Curly Howard, Larry and Moe were busy.
Attorney General…Charles Manson, justice is blind rage.
Surgeon General…Doctor Frankenstein, bio-tech genius.
National Security Advisor…Alfred E. Newman, what, we worry?

Don Arrup
Satire1

Candidate Wins Election

Someone was elected to the Office of the Presidency of the United States today as a record number of voters voted for him or his opponent. It will probably take years to decide the outcome. Dozens of challenges in every state, Puerto Rico and Guam along with national challenges already being petitioned to the Supreme Court are being scheduled as militias form in front of strip joints, opera houses and via the Internet.

The FBI attacked CIA Headquarters in Langley, Virginia while the Air Force sank the majority of the Navy’s home fleet in Norfolk, Sand Diego and Hawaii. Marines are holding against the Army and managed to destroy the Pentagon. The National Forestry Service is holding twenty-two agents of the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms hostage while the Coast Guard is massacring the Border Patrol. Every free gun is hunting IRS investigators while some Post Office employees are being spared- but not many. Stock and commodity exchanges turned into roadhouses. Congress a kung fu movie. Cities riot, countrysides revolt, hermits having no one else to kill commit suicide.

Households across the country are experiencing a level of violence unseen before even during the holidays. “People just shouldn’t be within eyesight of each other. Its just asking for trouble,” said Hiram Gonatz, proprietor of a used adult books store. “Its just one of those situations where anyone with an opinion is the mortal enemy of anyone else with an opinion. Even if they agree.”

President Bush, having just emerged from murdering the late Vice President Dick Chaney in an ultimate fighting challenge, declared that it was everyone for them selves.

Ain’t democracy great?

Vote.

Don Arrup
Satire1

Primary Of Horrors

A Halloween Treat From Satire1's Pre Blog Email List


Friday, March 9 2008

Last Monday Samantha Powers, a Harvard professor advising Barack Obama, told the Scotsman newspaper that Hillary Clinton was a "monster." Though the assessment came as no surprise we are disappointed that Ms. Powers declined to identify just what type of monster Mrs. Clinton is. Fortunately, Satire1 obtained an interview with Toaz Peetrie, professor of Gothic Biology at John Hopkins University and the world's leading expert on the genetics of supernatural species. We asked professor Peetrie to identify not only Hillary Clinton but also all of the recent candidates for the presidency. The following is his assessment verbatim.

Obama is the twenty-first century incarnation of Dracula or, rather, Blackula, feeding off the drippings of bleeding heart liberals. He is suave, exotic, international and hypnotic and have you checked out the widow's peak on his wife? Clinton had him dead to rights in the polls less than four months ago but since she didn't drive one through his heart all she can hope to do now is trick him out into the sunlight.

McCain is definitely the Mummy. The Vietnamese probably used black Taoist techniques and embalming methods to turn him into some sort of Hanoian candidate during his five-year imprisonment. Even Rush Limbaugh couldn't kill him. This is not a human conservative we're talking about. If elected, McCain will certainly last over a hundred years and probably still be president. He might even attempt to untangle us from Iraq at that time if that's what the Vietnamese want.

Romney is a shape shifter, a technique the Mormons might have secretly learned from Navajo Skinwalkers. Liberal yesterday, moderate today, promising to be a conservative after elected, this power should have made Romney all things to all people but he ended up being nothing to nobody.

Huckabee is the latest variation of the Frankenstein monster. When the social conservatives saw the Republican field they quickly dug up the remains of Ronald Reagan and Jerry Falwell to piece together the best governor they could. They would have been successful too had William F. Buckley not lived so long. They really could have used his brain.

And Hillary? Hillary was the toughest call and I consulted with other experts from around the world. At first the hair suggested werewolf but closer inspection concluded that she is the Sphinx. It was just so hard to tell with the pantsuits.



Don Arrup
Satire1

Polls Show McCain Still In The Polls

Recent questions from the most publicized polls

Which candidate are you currently supporting, Obama or the Democratic nominee?

Which candidate do you feel could best handle the economy, Obama or the Democratic nominee?

Which candidate do you feel is more likely to get us into another war, McCain or the Republican nominee?

Is Barack Obama black enough to play for the Harlem Globetrotters?

Is John McCain too old to play in the NFL?

Is Sarah Palin a woman?

Joe Biden?

If another terrorist attack devastated New York would it be more harmful to the country than Wall Street remaining intact?

If New Orleans is flooded by another hurricane who is the better swimmer, Obama or McCain?

If the Earth is attacked by bigheaded Martians with rude booties who is better qualified to negotiate with them, Obama or McCain?

Who do you think could negotiate a better trade deal with the insect world, Obama or McCain?

If China and India surpass us in technology and trade us into the Stone Age who could build the best fire, Obama or McCain?

If Russia invades Alaska and Hawaii who cares?

Which candidate most reminds you of Elvis Priestly?

Which candidate most reminds you of John McCain?

Just who the hell is Barack Obama?

When will this clown show be over?

Don Arrup
Satire1

Candidates Come Out Against Straight Marriage

Senators John McCain and Barack Obama have both declared their opposition to heterosexual marriage and have similar plans to end the socio-economic institution before the end of their first terms.

“All this talk about outlawing gay marriage and changing the Constitution is a subterfuge and conspiracy of the restaurant and florist lobbies,” said McCain. “They want a amendment to the Constitution to protect marriage because marriage is unconstitutional and totally foreign to the principals this country was founded on.” McCain told reporters that God, Jesus Christ and Grover Cleveland never married while everyone in the Bible or who had signed the Declaration of Independence who did marry died. “This institution is an unchristian cancer brought over by the basest elements from the Old World along with slavery and taxes to infect and subjugate a free people. We must not allow the American people to sacrifice their God given freedom to maintain the premise of sitcoms.”

Obama concurred at a separate press conference later that day. “This is another area, along with the sellout, where Senator McCain and I are in complete agreement. I taught Constitutional Law and I can assure you that nowhere in that precious document will you find the authority of the Federal government or the States to grant one citizen genital monopolization over another. And I think it’s vital for the American people to understand that it doesn’t matter if it’s mutual and reciprocal. It’s a sexual suicide pact coerced upon people in the most vulnerable psychological state of their adult lives. I’m referring to the hormonal rage known as infatuation.”

“People don’t rise into love. They fall into it,” McCain said. “Like they fall into debt or addiction. There is no being sort of in love or kind of maybe. That’s just the confusion that follows the wild, all consuming rage of those first few years of uncontrolled copulation. Listen to the songs. I knew Johnny Cash and I am telling you he was not lying. If you could have seen him, as I have, sing Ring of Fire, live. I was there and I saw what everyone who was there saw. Johnny went down down down and the flames got higher. And let me tell you my friends it burns burns burns that ring of fire. He was talking about love. The dangerous madness of love that can lead to marriage and he was married to June Carter, a country western star of her own right who was as built as her hair. I never forgot it.”

“Adam and Eve were not married,” said Obama, “and Eve had never even seen a wedding gown magazine. They were exclusive because there wasn’t anyone else around. They did the tour of Paradise. Everything looked great the first time. But soon they’d seen it all and there was nothing else to do but talk to a snake about a fruit they weren’t supposed to eat. They had seen what all the other animals were doing. The animals weren’t married. They were just relaxed. They didn’t need some taboo food to get on down. The forbidden fruit was marriage. The snake was Satan and Satan is married. God isn’t married. If there was a Mrs. God don’t you think she’d let us know?”

“I’m married. It’s right in my book, Something of my Fathers,” McCain said. “I married twice and the only reason my sanity survived is the five years I spent as a prisoner of war. Being a prisoner of war taught me how to survive being a prisoner of love. And men usually have the better part of the deal. I know I do. Cindy is almost possible. Now, Senator Obama and I have a lot of areas of disagreement but with the current crisis in interpersonal relationships on the edge of bringing down every household in the country its time to put aside partisanship and do what is necessary for the good of the country and outlaw marriage.”

“But what about the kids? Who’s going to take care of the kids?” Obama asked the crowd. “The same ones’ who are taking care of them right now is my answer. Nobody. Nobody is taking care of the kids after they’re two years old. No one ever did. We feed them and provide for them and if we pay constant attention to them we might slow them down a bit but there is no controlling them. Why? They’re not married. They’re still free. And most of all, and this is very important, they don’t have kids. Kids don’t have kids that’s why they can be kids.”

“I am not trying to shame you. I’m married. My parents were married. That is not what this is about,” said McCain. “All the studies have shown that once marriage infects a family it perpetuates itself for generations. Your parents weren’t bad people because they were married. I honor my parents and do not blame them for what they did or what happened to me. Twice. It’s the whole system. Marriage has corrupted every institution in this country and perverted our biology. Our churches pay their heating bills with the services. Its part of the clergy and organists’ income. Florists, caterers, tailors, printers, bartenders, photographers, hairdressers, waiters, bakers, limousine drivers, department stores and that’s just for the ceremony! This money could be better spent fixing our vital infrastructure and creating energy independence. Smoke fish not cigarettes. The Japanese live longer because they have lower corporate taxes.”

“This is the change I’ve been talking about,” said Obama. “Fiddling with the tax code or getting one more doctor to stick god knows what god knows where in you after you been waiting on an examination table in a smock for two hours is not the change we need. That’s just more of the same. The change I’m talking about and Senator McCain is talking about is breaking the last chain of slavery we as a society have allowed to bind us.”

“You won’t have to get a divorce, I promise you,” McCain continued. “No one will ever again have to get a divorce because we will simply abolish marriage and banish it from our shores. The marriage lawyers with their prenups and divorce lawyers and all these gothic courts we’ve set up will dissolve. They will have to leach off of someone else’s misery. And I know what you’re thinking. If we think we have an immigration problem now wait till the billions of husbands and wives start heading to our shores seeking asylum from their vows. Well, I’m going to be honest with you. It’s going to be a real problem especially if they come from countries that don’t recognize divorce. All it takes is one liberal judge to offer asylum to one abused wife or pussy whipped husband and the floodgates open. We have to make sure that doesn’t happen. We have to write it right into the legislation that we will use our influence and our foreign policy to end the plague of matrimony in all nations but this country cannot save the entire world from itself. The burden will fall heaviest on young people just like it does in war. They will have to say no to their families, their clergy and their leaders by saying no to each other. We can’t save people from themselves. We can’t save nations from themselves. But we can save ourselves and our neighbors.”

“I see the Statue of Liberty,” said Obama, “holding up a sign. An international sign with two stick figures joined surrounded by a red circle with a line crossing diagonally through the couple. Ladies and gentlemen, that could be a reality if we all just split up and go our individual ways. It really is that easy if we all work separately as a nation. Something we’ve become very good at in the last forty years. So tell your children, your parents, your spouse and most importantly tell yourself, just say no to marriage.”

Don Arrup
Satire1

Palin And Michelle Obama Dated Joe The Plumber

Neighbors and friends of Joe the Plumber confirmed rumors that the prospective Ohio businessman who spoke to Senator Obama and became a central topic of the last presidential debate had dated both Vice Presidential candidate Sarah Palin and Presidential candidate Barack Obama’s wife before they were married.

Confronted with the testimonies the plumber capitulated that he had always been a legman and never had a racial or political litmus test for those he dated. “I got around when I was younger and whether I was visiting Alaska or following my ball team to Chicago I always found that no matter where I went women have pipes,” said Joe. “I’m not sure how folks around here would know about my wider exploits since I’ve always been discrete about the bathrooms I’ve been in but I guess here and there I must have dropped a name to go with a Polaroid on my shop wall.”

Michelle Obama was reluctant to comment on the issue until a picture of her with Joe from 1987 where she was wearing a strapless purple dress was distributed on the Internet. “I do remember Joe. We met at a Big Boy’s on the south side. He showed up at a very special and vulnerable time in my life. He wasn’t like anyone I ever met in Chicago or Princeton. He had quite a wrench for a white boy and could tighten things I didn’t even know were loose.”

After hearing Ms. Obama’s comments Governor Palin decided to hold a press conference to address her relationship. “Of course I remember Joe. How could I forget him? He wasn’t just any old Joe. He was special and I’m sure he still is. We dated briefly since Joe was only in Anchorage for two nights. I tried to convince him to move to our fair state or at least come back after the thaw but Joe loved Ohio. Good ole Ohio Joe. He’s really the reason John and I are running for the Oval Office. To help people like Joe fulfill their dreams and clear our drains. You don’t happen to have his phone number? I’m in Ohio next week and Joe could really put some pump in my stump.”

The plumber was pleased after seeing the women’s responses. “It’s hard for me to recognize them with their clothes on but they both still look great,“ blow Joe. “There’s nothing number two about either of those ladies.”

The press asked Bob the Builder and Mr. Goodwrench if they might also share a past with either Governor Palin or Michelle Obama. “I don’t discuss the notches in my tool belt.” said Goodwrench. “Whatever I did with Paris, Britney, Oprah and Cher with my power tools is between us. No last names is my policy.”

“I’m gay,” said Bob the Builder, “but I sure wouldn’t mind erecting something with Barack and John is cute too in a Vietnam vet teddy bear sort of way.”

Don Arrup
Satire1

Candidates Each Pledge $20 To Help Banks

The candidates were cornered together at a hot dog stand outside the Belmont University’s debating hall and finally admitted to Satire1 how bad the financial crisis really is. “The sh*t has hit the fan and the fan is blowing it at other fans,” said Obama. While McCain wasn’t nearly as optimistic, “The sh*t has hit the fan and the fan is blowing it into jet engines.”

The McCain campaign has hit the crisis running with proposals to fix the country’s fiscal crisis.
First, in order to stop sending billions overseas to China and Saudi Arabia McCain proposes drilling tunnels to both countries so we can simply pour our hard earned bucks to the communists and terrorists. “Its more efficient and the taxpayers can visit the money holes with their children to show them where their future is going.”
Second, McCain believes government acquired houses should be auctioned on EBay so the same wolves we’ve bailed out don’t grab up peoples’ dreams at a bargain basement prices. “I’ll see to it that the American people don’t end up like the three little pigs this time.”
Third, McCain is drafting legislation to bust up Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac who he claimed in the debates spearheaded the sub-prime loan crisis. “I don’t even think they’re married.”

Obama, in response, acknowledges the economic situation has changed and pledges that if elected he will curtail Washington from going out to dinner as often. “And that includes a ban on take out for every government agency. All that business going to Chinese restaurants is adding to the trade imbalance. Pizza isn’t on the table as yet since we are trying to coordinate the rescue with the European Union but when it gets here I have first slice.”

The candidates are already arguing over where to waste the next 700 billion as both the war in Iraq and the Bailout/rescue just aren’t sexy anymore. McCain believes the billions would best be wasted on a war with Iran while Obama wants to rebuild New Orleans in the middle of the gulf. “We’re never going to be able to beat nature down there so I propose rebuilding the city as a series of arks much like Noah built. If a hurricane comes we’ll have the Navy on standby to tug the town to safer waters.”

Governor Palin criticized Obama’s plan on the stump, “I am offended that a Muslim homegrown community organizer is stealing ideas from our God.” Palin said that she was tempted as a governor to visit New Orleans after Katrina but feared the area couldn’t withstand another bitch. “This is what can happen to a city that embraces jazz in the midst of so much wonderful country western music.”

Senator Biden declined comment on Obama’s ark plan saying he had never actually seen Streetcar Named Desire but liked Marlon Brando in his other roles. “I don’t think the American people have anything to fear. With a democratic majority in both houses and the White House we’ll find someplace to waste the money.”

Don Arrup
Satire1

Who Bails Out Congress?

Reasons Lawmakers Changed Their Minds On the Rescue Bill

“The President gave me a cowboy hat.”

“I’ll vote against anything on Monday but if a bill doesn’t pass on Thursday it could cost me my weekend.”

“I thought all the Democrats would vote for it and leave me room to be righteous.”

“I forgot we’re in the majority now.”

“Finally, funds to research ponies as an alternative energy source.”

“I didn’t want everyone to think I was easy.”

“Speaker Pelosi explained to me how the thousands of calls and emails from constituents were really just directed to my office and not to me personally. And she was right, none of them asked me how I felt about the bill. They were just trying to use me to vote their view. Pelosi calls it Representative abuse.”

“The bill had grown to 450 pages and the leadership was threatening to make us read it.”

“I had the wrong underwear on for the first vote. Briefs never shrink right. Barney Frank fixed me up with some silk boxers and the country can breath free again.”

“This is a historic vote, second in importance only to my vote to authorize the President to invade Iraq, This bill will change fundamentally the relationship between the public and private sector for generations. I voted my conscience Monday and went home and my wife kicked my ass.”

Don Arrup
Satire1

Mr. Monopoly Goes Directly To Jail

FBI Seize Get Out Of Jail Cards
“Rich Uncle Pennybags will not pass Go this time.”

Boardwalk Falls To Under $600
The jewel of Atlantic City real estate being offered for less than $600 for the first time since Parker Brothers constructed it in 1935. “They’re practically giving away Baltic Avenue for peanuts.”

Water Works Found Polluted While Electric Company Goes Way of Enron
It’s a roll of the dice to see if investors will recoup anything on these utilities. “Tap’s dry for pension funds and lights out for retirees who thought they had a safe investment.”

Fear of the Bank’s Failure Sends Players Scrambling
No FDIC protection for the colored money. “I might as well have my savings in a Money Market account.”

Building Boom Halts
“The green houses are too small and who wants to live in a red hotel? It looks like whore house.”

Fed Blocks Investors Selling Short on Short Line
“Anyone hopping on these railroads is in for a ride.”

Forget Free Parking, Community Chest Overwhelmed, No Chance
“Nothing good in the cards this time.”

Income and Luxury Tax Survive Intact
Figures.

Scottie Dog Dons Top Hat, Old Shoe and Thimble Before Shooting Himself with Cannon
Pooch once thought tough as tin couldn’t face real world consequences.

Treasury Secretary Paulson Threatens To Take Over Game
“Guess my old Wall Street friends will have to learn to play Sorry.”

Don Arrup
Satire1

Sesame Street Agrees to Acquire Wall Street for One Trillion Cookies

As long-standing investment firms on Wall Street collapse or disappear Treasury Secretary Paulson has worked feverishly behinds the scenes in secret to find a buyer for the whole street. “We can’t keep running to the next hole in the dyke,” said Paulson. “Its time to sell the whole lesbian.”

Interest was shown in the purchase by the governments of Saudi Arabia, China and Russia but the offer was withdrawn for national security reasons. “We need an American buyer to keep this vital economic lifeline in local hands and avoid any chance of political blackmail,” said Paulson. That is when the Sesame Workshop was approached about the deal. “They’ve done a great job of running their street despite its wide array of conflicting interests and businesses. We’re sure the culture of Sesame Street will infect the Wall Street firms and inject them with a dose of reality.”

Sesame CEO Oscar the Grouch speaking from his trashcan agreed. “These Ivy League leaders were living in a world of fantasy. Its like they all shared the same infantile dream that the housing bubble would never burst. In a era of stagnant wages I can’t imagine how they could believe that people could keep paying more for their homes.”

“Its not calculus or even algebra but good simple arithmetic that housing prices can’t go up if the average person isn’t making more money. Obviously, these Harvards and Yalies need a brush up course in their numbers. Something we’re very good at doing here on Sesame Street,” added Slimey the Worm, CFO of SS STR.

As reporters pressed Oscar on why he would be willing to risk the acquisition of so much bad paper he replied by singing “I love trash” his signature song.

Sesame board member Big Bird said he understood the frenzy that led to the downfall of so many banks and hedge funds. “I wanted to buy a nest mansion in a better neighborhood but the prices were just so unreasonable. What they were asking for a twig and paper china bowl nest on East 83rd street was just insane. I’d rather live in one of those flimsy poured concrete and sheet rock monstrosities they sell the humans.”

Fellow board members Bert and Ernie agreed. “We would each love to have our own place,” said Ernie, “but with our take home pay and the reality of New York City rents cohabitation is a necessity. So Bert has to live with my Twiddlebugs and I have to live with his pigeons.”

“I’m tired of being called gay,” added Bert.

Sherlock Hemlock, world’s greatest detective and long time resident, has been pouring over the books of the various surviving Wall Street firms in search of discrepancies. “What do you want us to do,” asked Hemlock, “Trust Morgan Stanley to verify Morgan Stanley Trust?”

Cookie Monster appears to have been the lone board member who opposed the deal. “A trillion cookies? That’s like more than I could eat in a lifetime. Nothing is worth that.” Cookie had hoped to get Wall Street for less by waiting just one more news cycle.

“I hope not many of those suits end up moving into our block,” said Kermit the Frog, journalist and one time variety show host. “I mean we may be crawling with vampires, monsters and wild animals but those financiers are just out of control.”

Popular Sesame Street icon Elmo was unavailable for comment as he was being tickled at the time.

Don Arrup
Satire1

Palin's Pitbull Bites Obama's Pig For Stealing Its Lipstick

Months after McCain put lipstick on Hillary Clinton’s health care pig Obama smeared McCain and Palin’s Bush policies pig. Now sows across the nation feel pressure to put on makeup before leaving their pens to socialize with other barnyard animals.

“After centuries of being the butt of overweight humor and the more recent hysteria against fat our sows are now burdened with these totally unreasonable expectations of body image and glamor,” said Porky star boar of film and television who often serves as a spokes-swine for his species. “ As if they di-di-di-di-didn’t have enough on their minds with feeding the piglets and keeping the pen tidy,”

Farmers fear that the added stress will result in weight loss and less pork belly profits. “It’s a real concern when major politicians and the media are pressuring your animals to live up to their affluent standards of appearance,” said Old McDonald who has a farm E I E I O. “And a lot of the sows are beginning to refuse mounting because they feel unattractive and unappreciated. It has the boars all frustrated and confused. I can’t tell you how many fights we’ve had in the barn this last week.”

Futures in pork bellies have skyrocketed on the commodities market as rumors of a sex strike among swine circulated while the stocks of cosmetic companies rise in anticipation of a whole new species market.

All this after Governor Palin’s reference to her hockey whore pooch has dog barbers and groomers complaining that their customers were demanding they hire a make up artist to service their pets.

“Dogs are the only animals sophisticated enough to wear makeup,” said Roxy Star well known fashion passion downtown actress and dog friend. “I took my Pokey out the other day and a woman referred to her as a pig because I hadn’t put eyeliner on her. I could see making Pokey up if she were wearing her best sweater and maybe a cap. Then makeup would be appropriate but obscuring her natural beauty everyday just because some politicians are squabbling is stupid.”

“Its about time politicians confronted the cosmetic failings of our domestic animals. It’s a national disgrace how poorly turned out so many of our pets and farm animals are,” said Terre Cherry popular New Jersey DJ, “Everyone knows neither party has a clue about what can be done about the housing market or oil prices so why don’t they take care of our other crises like too many ugly dogs?”

“I can’t even get my wife to wear lipstick,” said Old McDonald, “but now I can see she was on to something. Didn’t want to raise the bar too high in the barn. I know neither of these candidate clowns are going to make us prosperous or safe but somebody has got to bring home the bacon.”

Don Arrup
Satire1

Palin Faked Daughter's Pregnancy, Now Daughter is Faking Hers

TOP PICKS FROM THE RNC RUMOR MILL

Palin Faked Daughter’s Pregnancy, Now Daughter is Faking Hers
McCain declined comment saying he didn’t know much about biology.

Fiorina Says Calling Palin a Mother is Sexist
“All we hear about is her executive experience as a mayor and a governor but do you have any idea what it takes to place in a beauty contest?”

Poll Shows 61% of Voters Won’t Vote for Ex-Con McCain
“To the North Vietnamese McCain was a terrorist.”

McCain Accused of Fathering Palin’s Grandchild
“I’m telling you it wasn’t me. It was some liberal community organizer.”

Palin Finally Declined Bridge to Nowhere but Thanks the American People for her New Sun Room
“It faces North by North West and that’s exactly where Putin will come for us.”

Palin Says US ABMs in Poland Will Protect Russia From Invasion from Mars
“Everyone knows that the Red Planet is Communist and aggressive. We had been sending them diplomatic feelers for decades but they’re just the North Korea of Space.”

McCain is Obama’s Father, Biden Sired Palin
This should break the partisan gridlock.

Palin Doesn’t Believe in Evolution
Understandable since there is no sign of it among Alaskans.

Palin Says Community Organizers Caused All of Country’s Woes
Understandable since community organizers in Alaska are referred to in the lower 48 as heads of lynch mobs.

Pairs Hilton Has Never Met Palin
Makes all the other rumors sound plausible.

Palin Denies Putting Lipstick on her Pit-bull
“I’m the bitch in my house, thank you.

Biden Has Offered No Opinion on Palin
Yeah, right.

Don Arrup
Satire1

Headlines Overlooked During DNC

Obama Admits He Doesn't Know How Many Houses John McCain Owns
"I've never had to take John home after chambers and I've only been to Arizona a couple of times. Wonderful state though. May even still be in play. Needs more cities. Michelle's not a desert person."

McCain Hospitalized After Bad Hair Day
A spokesperson for the McCain campaign assured reporters that the Senator's hair was never in danger and that a group of top cosmetic surgeons were being flown in from Los Angeles as he spoke. "Senator McCain is totally in command of the crisis. We can't put America at risk. This could happen on the last day of our convention. John McCain and his campaign are fully focused on finding someone who can comb the Senator's hair."

Fourteen Way Tie For Worst Speech Ever Uttered At Democratic National Convention
"My husband thought I was great and I don't even give head."
"They laughed at the wrong parts."
"No one's afraid of hamburgers anymore."
"Cows have to stop farting. They're melting the polar caps."
"I lost my house."
"I lost my job."
"I lost my health coverage."
"I lost my mind."
"I lost my virginity."
About time.

Don Arrup
Satire1

Obama Soley Responsible for Spike in Oil

Senator Barack Obama admitted today that the most recent McCain ads suggesting he is responsible for the recent spike in oil and gasoline prices were dead on the money- his money and yours.

“Before accepting my party’s nomination for the Presidency of the United States I feel it’s important that the American people understand that my opponent, Senator McCain, is accurate when he says I’m the reason you are paying significantly more for your gasoline and heating oil. Since entering the United States Senate I have acted as a one man country and developed my own diplomatic relations with India and China among others and have pressed them to abandon the bicycle which I assured them makes them look ridiculous and third world to top investors and promised them their economies would thrive if they would just waste more energy. If they could not afford the automobiles I told them to just buy the demon piss and burn in it in ditches. If investors don’t see you doing everything you can to pollute your environment, mortgage your children’s futures while enslaving yourselves to the Middle East terrorist sponsors then they will take their investment dollars elsewhere. India and China listened to me and put incredible demand pressure on the international market driving up the commodity futures Michelle and I have been cornering for the last three years. Understand that each move each breath even every thought that flashes by in my brilliant Ivy head raises the price of your gas and your heating oil.

Now, drilling offshore or in Alaska won’t give you any relief until my daughters are out of the house but it could affect my oil futures now. There are three hundred million people in the United States and I can’t please all of you so I’m going to please myself. Osama and Obama can both get rich on the same paper. McCain married millions while my wife will be taking a brutal pay cut to work twice as hard as First Lady. The American people know how to sacrifice and so I’m asking all of you to give it up at the pump to keep the first family rich. You did it for eight years for younger Bush. I’m asking all of you to do it for my family.

Don Aruup
Satire1

McCain's the White Guy

On the campaign trail:
I’m sorry, McCain, I’m not voting for an ex-con for Big Man.
>I was a prisoner of war in Hanoi, North Vietnam.
What were you doing there?
>I was bombing their logistical lines.
And how was that making things better?
>I loved attacking the enemy.
Now you seem like a reasonable man.
>Yes, I’d say I am a reasonably reasonable man.
So, you do everything for a reason.
>Navy man.
So North Vietnam must have really messed with you.
>They weren’t always gracious hosts for the five years I stayed.
Well, you did bomb them first.
>Because they attacked South Vietnam.
And your cousins lived there.
>No, my honor lived there where my country had made a commitment. I was part of the flesh and blood of that commitment. It was an honor and I always strove to think about it and treat it as such.

On the street in Baltimore:
Yeah, I’m voting for McCain. Why shouldn’t we have a brother in the White Man’s House?
--No, no, McCain’s the white guy.
McCain’s done time and he got his college from being in the service.
--He wasn’t in the service he was in the Navy. He went to that Admirals’ College in Annapolis.
McCain’s got college and prison. He knows war and street.
--What’s his first name?
John.
--That’s the name of a guy who has to buy his ass.
It’s not all that white.
--Pimp’s meat.
What about John Henry—with the hammers?
--I’m telling you McCain’s the white guy. Even his hair is white.
What color’s his wife?
--Rich.
Who doesn’t like that color? Didn’t he grow up in Chicago?
--No, he was born in Coco Solo.
I thought he was from Africa.
--No, Coco Solo is in Panama.
He’s not from Chicago?
--That’s Obama.
No, Obama is Fred Flintstone’s kid.
--No, Bam Bam is Barney Rubble’s kid.
McCain is not a cartoon. I’m telling you he is a brother.
--I’m telling you he’s the white guy.
I know he’s got a white mama.
--They both do.
But I’ve seen pictures of him in the paper. He’s shade, man, just like you and me.
--Obama.
No, no, McCain, the brother.

Don Arrup
Satire1

Oh Eight Oh Ate O Hate Olympics

Though pollution is officially under control, the carbon monoxide levels are still dangerously high. Men and women are asked to respirate on Mondays, Wednesdays and Saturdays while children, athletes and old people may breath at will.

Too many flags, the world is too small. I’m tired of the color, the excitement, the smiles and the youth. There’s nothing to be happy about. Most of you will lose.

Only Batman, the Lone Ranger and the Phantom will be permitted to wear masks. If Superman and Chinaman can take the pollution so should you.

Brett Farve breaks world’s record in false retirements. Red Army team has been delayed by road game in Georgia. Sudan’s Equestrian team is still busy in Darfur. Beach Volleyball is not a sport. Protesting in Tiananmen Square is. 2012 Games should be held in Tibet, which is to say nowhere. Thank god China completely cleaned up its human rights record before the Opening Ceremonies and has allowed the media all the access it promised.

What do I think of the games? Hitler would be proud.

Don Arrup
Satire1

Bernanke Gives Good Fed

And Treasury Secretary Paulson who helped give Bear Sterns the golden sack has hopped into bed with the ménage a trois of Bernanke, Fannie and Fred to make for mixed doubles just in time for the U.S. Open legs tourney. Lets still have an economy after Labor Day. If we don’t have any banks left who is going to foreclose on all those criminals who stole the nation’s homes on credit?

Why bother to foreclose? Just send in Blackwater to kill the T note terrorists where they steal my good sleep in beds pillaged in installments. They’re the ones eating food everyday starving half the world to death. Driving cars and heating homes they never should have possessed in the first place.

McCain’s guy was right about us being a nation of whiners. The price of gas skyrockets to almost half what the rest of the world has been paying for years and all I can think about is that guy in China. I used to make four hundred times his salary and now I only make a hundred times what he makes. I’ve lost three quarters of my income standing still. He and these people with homes are impoverishing me. It’s all a conspiracy

Obama said that McCain’s ad said or implied or lied that Obama doesn’t look like the faces on the dollar bills. That’s a compliment. The numbers are pretty but no one loves those mugs. Boycott the banks and you’ll murder them. Credit cards are suicide. I came, I saw, iPod.

Don Arrup
Satire1

It's Not a Recession Yet

Fannie and Freddie will be fine. Bill Gates is still rich. There is plenty of new home construction in Manhattan and New Orleans. Somebody somewhere can still pay her mortgage. Iraq isn’t that expensive and Afghanistan is practically a bargain.

The dollar has shrunk so much there isn’t room for the big heads anymore. Mexican families are sending money north to help immigrants here for a change. Wall Street is going south for vacation. Martians are buying General Motors. Gas costs more than imported champagne.

What do you mean I have to buy a new TV after Christmas? What, are you trying to kill me? I don’t mind the layoff, the foreclosure and the repop on my car but you’re making my TV obsolete? How am I going to know how poor I am if I can’t see it on TV?

Wall Street asks Washington for help. Bush signs new government regulations. Al Qaeda complains about its credit score. So what if you can’t afford food, the energy to cook it costs too much anyhow. Think of the money you’ll save on your gas and electric. We’re all supposed to be skinny anyway, right? Hey, maybe soon we won’t be able to afford global warming. But China and India will probably pick up the slack. About time they did their share.

I feel sick but I know its nothing because I can’t afford health insurance. I’d go to the emergency room but the economy’s in there right now and all the King’s horsemen and all the King’s men are examining the pieces of eggshell that was once this country and are trying to figure out if it’s a recession or a depression or a forgotten episode of the Twilight Zone.

My wife says our money worries have made me impotent but I told her don’t worry my organ is too big to fail. Let one of these talking heads addressing the Congressional committees pump new life into my manhood and give her neck and wrists a rest- maybe Fed Chairman Bernanke with the baldpate and hair around the mouth since his head kind of looks like my wife’s lap. He’ll do. Even if he can’t save the nation he might save my weekend. Then we can decide on Monday whether it’s a recession or not.

Don Arrup
Satire1

White House Faces Foreclosure

The Ministers of Finance of The People’s Republic of China and Government of Japan announced that with the Federal Government of the United States of America owing over nine and half trillion dollars and our debt ballooning close to an additional two billion a day it is time to foreclose on the delinquent account and seize all Federal buildings and Military bases both in this country and across the globe.

Pong Ping, China’s Finance Minister said that they expect to unload the overseas bases of the U.S. Navy, Army and Air Force in a matter of weeks to the host countries provided the weapon systems and Coke machines are included in the deals. “Saudi Arabia has already made us an offer on two of the bases on their soil,” said Ping, “And Iraq has already given us a check.” Ping noted that under the agreement Japan would recoup most of its paper with the huge bases in Okinawa, South Korea and Hawaii (which is practically Japan anyway). China has already begun dismantling the Washington Monument for shipping to Beijing and hopes to have it erect in time for the Olympic games. “We could open the Games with the Liberty Bell,” said Ping, “but I’m not sure what we’ll do with the Star Spangled Banner.”

While attempting to contact the White House for comment we were met with a recording from the phone company explaining that the account was terminated for failure to pay their bills.

“I never planned to live in the White House,” said Barrack Obama. “There is nothing in the Constitution that says the Executive of the United States has to live in a White House. The original Executive Mansion was burned down by the British in the War of 1812 and when they built a new house First Lady Dolly Madison liked white. When I get in office my First Lady is choosing the color. America always wins the Super Bowl. I really don’t see why this Olympics should be any different.”

“Do I think America is going to win the Super Bowl? Of course I do. Do I think America will win the World Series? I don’t know about that. I don’t know if the World Series could be won by America if it really was the Series of the World. Japan has a good league, China, Cuba; I don’t think we could beat Cuba in a fair contest. And I’ve been to Miami, Cuba many times. Best cigars and brothels in the world. I’ll win the black vote because I’m one of them. I’ve been in prison. I’m blood,”

“I’m a Chicago guy,” said Obama, “A Harvard man. For those of you outside the Boston metropolitan area it’s pronounced Hard On or Hard Up. Harvard along with the other top endowed universities could buy the debt of this country and own it outright like we did before the Twentieth century destroyed the meritocracy. I hope my wife paints the Man’s House crimson like our Alma Mater. Then the people could call it the Blood House.”

Don Arrup
Satire1

Olympic Committee Running out of Oppressive Regimes for Future Games

Insiders of the Olympic Committee’s governing board have expressed concern that they are having trouble locating oppressive tyrannies to host the next Olympic games.

“There are fewer and fewer truly oppressive governments that can afford to host the Olympic Games due to either the lack of population through genocide or on going civil war,” the insider told Satire1. “Without worldwide demonstrations and heads being crushed right outside the games on television nightly we fear the next Olympics just won’t get any coverage.”

Insider went on to explain that the increasing frivolity of the games with its backyard and bikini sports requires the gravity of inhuman political oppression to justify its attention. “Half of the games just look like your vacation at Club Med with fewer boob jobs,” he continued. “Its just a bunch of guys showing off and women trying to get attention. People won’t know if they’re watching the Olympics or Spring Break Vacation. We need to put it in a brutal political context for it to be taken seriously. “

The gold standard of Olympic games was set in Berlin under Adolph Hitler who knew how to put on a show. The passing of the torch that brought so many delightful and entertaining protests worldwide began then. “The Greeks always did their games at Delphi so they didn’t have that pr tool. But what use is it if the games are in Sweden? Then it’s just a handful of bored people waiting for some shorts to pass by with a torch in her hands. “

Even critics and human rights advocates admit that you can’t beat China for the location of the current games. “They’ve slaughtered their own students, subjugate their neighbors on a massive scale and threaten everyone in their hemisphere in a country where you can’t even breath the air or drink the water,” said a spokesperson for Olympics for Humanity. “After North Korea I’m afraid that we’re going to be stuck with a poor African country like Sudan which I don’t think can afford the Olympics.”

Don Arrup
Sature1

McCain Accused of Sitting Out War in Hotel in Hanoi

Recent remarks made by retired general and former commander of NATO Wesley Clark expressing doubt that Senator John McCain’s military experience in any way prepared him to be president has stirred unexpected controversy:

“I’ve read in a number of sources over the years that John McCain stayed in the Hanoi Hilton for over five years while other members of his squadron had to fly dangerous missions over North Vietnam.” Said 42x. “I bet he was having tea with Jane Fonda and Ho Chi Min while his family was collecting his combat pay.”

“The North Vietnamese had to use the French luxury hotel because they couldn’t afford a proper prison,” said 6itch6, “It must have been humiliating for McCain to be forced to eat croissants and soufflés and drink champagne when he was used to the Academy diet. He probably had to wear a striped shirt and a beret like a French pimp. They were trying to take away his identity.”

“I think being in prison is the best preparation for being president,” said 5ma5. “In the White House he won’t be able to pull down his fly without a congressional hearing, the press watches your every move and you can’t get anything done except start a war. Its practically the same job.”

“So McCain lost the Vietnam war. We’re going to lose Iraq to Iran anyway,” said Ydumpme. “Winning wars is too expensive. McCain knows that if you lose you can go home. If we win like we did against the Germans and the Japanese we have to stay for half a century. There’s just no stomach for that.”

“I think General Clark is nuts,” said NbarN. “If Vietnam invades us again McCain will know just how to handle them.”

Don Arrup
Satire1

Say What, Prez?

Senator Barack Obama threatens to end the increasing democratization of presidential speech enjoyed under President George W. Bush by dragging the political discourse upward and over the heads of many Americans. Where as Bush stayed within an elementary school range Obama’s high school vocabulary will leave many citizens out of the debate wondering what all the fuss is about. Since his appeal in the primaries proved to be mostly among the more educated he has chosen to address them alone employing 10th grade words to describe the complexities of the problems the nation faces.

“The fact that he even has a vocabulary shows he’s not one of us,” noted Fred Flintstone of Bedrock. “He talks about our children’s futures but my kids can’t understand him. They’ve never had any trouble understanding President Bush and they’re older now”

“I hope he doesn’t plan to impress the terrorists with his fancy Harvard talk,” says Jethro Bodine of Beverly Hills. “All they learn in school is how to hate Jews and Americans and make atomic bombs. They don’t even know the Bible.”

“You know why his speeches are on You Tube? Its because everyone has to listen to them five times with a dictionary beside them to have any idea what he’s talking about,” said George of the Jungle. “I don’t see why he can’t draw pictures or better yet make cartoons to explain how diplomacy works.”

“I don’t know what he’s talking about,” said Tarzan. “Big White Yale Man I understand. We’re right. They’re wrong. We’re good. They’re bad. You’re either our slave or our enemy. Everybody in world understands him. No problem.”

“If diplomacy is going to have any chance of working you’ve got to keep the message clear and simple,” says Archie Bunker of Queens. “You can take most of George W’s speeches and act them out in a few gestures that foreigners can understand. A lot of these foreigners don’t even speak English you know. ”

Don Arrup
Satire1

Bush Calls for Eco-Sanctions on Iran

Due to the Iranian government’s continued refusal to comply with the Atomic Energy Commission’s inspections President Bush is calling on the Security Council of the United Nations to impose a sanction of the Earth’s atmosphere on Iran denying them both air and sunlight until measurable progress can be demonstrated. The sanction would in effect create a bio-dome over Persian territory for the unforeseeable future.

“Since economic sanctions haven’t worked its time we got crazy and start using ecological ones,” said President Bush in a special news conference held on the White House lawn Tuesday. “Our scientists assure me that the Sun has been producing solar power by nuclear fusion not sanctioned by the AEC so Iran has been in violation going back perhaps as much as a couple of hundred years.”

When asked how the United States and the international community planned to create this bio-dome the President smiled. “It won’t cost the American taxpayer a penny. All we have to do is allow China and India to keep doing what they’re doing and then encourage Iraq. Pakistan and Afghanistan to do the same. In a few years the pollution won’t allow a ray of sunshine or a breath of breathable air into the whole region.”

“This means more solar power will be available for our economy to harness since we won’t be sharing it with that part of the world,” the President continued. When a reporter suggested that the pollution was liable to disperse throughout the Earth’s atmosphere and poison us as well the President became annoyed. “There’s no hard evidence that that will happen. Just look at Los Angeles if you can see it; it has had no effect on the blue skies of Hawaii.”

As reporters continued to express doubt as to the safety of the proposal President Bush became belligerent. “I didn’t say there wouldn’t be any sacrifice to be made by the American people. My mother loves the rugs from that region but we’re going to have to choose between breathable air and national security. I think the last two elections proved where the American people come out on that question.”

Don Arrup
Satire1

Obama Considers General for Vice President

North Dakota Sen. Kent Conrad told the Associated Press today that Sen. Obama’s VP vetting team was looking at retired generals as possible candidates to balance the ticket against war hero John McCain. Satire1 asked citizens on the street which retired general they thought might make a good running mate for Obama.

“Robert E, Lee would definitely make Obama competitive in the South,” said Buba Rockfella of Richmond. “General Grant was already president and probably wouldn’t be interested in the second spot and besides he’s a Republican.”

“I think Caesar or Alexander the Great would make terrific Vice Presidents,” said Celina Muff of New Jersey. “I know they weren’t born in the United States but since there wasn’t any United States when they were born I think it’s a historical and unconstitutional prejudice to over look their talents.”

“I think George C. Scott is the man for the job,” said Alfonso Geathers of Baltimore. “How many guys can say they won World War II and the Academy Award.”

“General Motors is the best general this country ever had,” says Francis Connie, who retired as a private after a lifetime of service. “I mean General Electric and General Foods did a great job running the Navy but if Obama wants to pick up Michigan and Wall Street Gee Moe’s the man.”

Don Arrup
Satire1

China and Israel to replace Michigan and Florida Primaries

Even though it appears that Barack Obama has secured the Democratic nomination Satire1 has learned that the super agenda committee of the National Democratic Party has decided to hold secret primaries in China and Israel to replace the delegates from Michigan and Florida. We have contacted some of our friends in the two countries to see what they think of this development.

“Florida hasn’t been part of the United States since Disney World.” said Shem Euroberg of Tel Aviv. “The peninsula has been a politically shared colony of Cuba and Israel where we live in tolerant co-existence with the Cubans controlling sports and we Jews the real estate. I belong to Israeli Floridian cooperation group that seeks to cement cultural ties between the two areas offering scholarships for students of both locations to study or party in their cousin lands. The Supreme Court of the United States never had jurisdiction over Florida and the people’s votes are never really counted anyway. Since George W’s brother was the Colonial Governor I guess he just made a few calls. “

“Michigan has always been a part of China,” says Wu Wu Wha of Beijing. “The native Chinese who you misnamed Indians had been living there since before the Yellow Emperor when they introduced potatoes, tomatoes and corn to the otherwise barren hemisphere. Nothing grew on the recently formed rock you call the Americas and there were no animals. The first Chinese there had to spread themselves too thin to create a functioning ecosystem and exhausted themselves digging the rivers, bays and gulfs necessary to support life throughout the lands. This led to a cultural breakdown and historical amnesia that still plagues our brethren today. We Chinese invented gamboling and those pots really are ours. This is just one more injustice which will be addressed after our successful Olympic Games when the People’s Liberation Army can carry the Olympic spirit to the four corners of rightful Chinese lands.”

“I don’t like the shikseh or the shvartz,” said Telob Achhem of Hebron, “I want to vote for Bloomberg or the muscleman who runs California. I don’t know why the United Nations allows Americans to elect their leader. They’re all car crazy and they can’t even make a funny sitcom anymore. They’ve got a lot of smart people over there that know business. Who do they elect? Cowboys, clowns, actors, bubbas and peanut people. The whole place is really China anyway.”

“America is just a big mall. I don’t care who the store manager is,” says Me No Shat of Kwoon Dune, “Elections are a waste. This pair of shoes or that. These primaries are just Ivy League school version of Survivor. There’s not even a fat guy.”

Don Arrup
Satire1

Meat in Space

There is no reason why Americans have to endure vegetarian courses just because their grandparents were not as affluent as we are today. Desert should be meat. The English who are envied across the world for their lively cuisine eat meat pies: Shepard’s pie, pork pie, steak and kidney pie, whatever you can find dead in the woods pie. Forget ice cream. Meat cream. Jell-O? Hello. Jiggly consume. Hot blood sundaes. Kids want something cold? Jam a stick into a frozen hamburger patty and viola a meatsicle. Coconut shrimp is desert. I don’t care how low cut her neckline is. Barbecue anything and its desert. That sauce is 80% sugar and 100% corn syrup along with some stuff you really don’t need. Sounds like desert to me. Don’t eat the apple eat the worm. He’s the winner. Just boil him in maple syrup and whatever fat that isn't attached to you. There’s more lard in a doughnut than a suckling pig so that’s covered. Cops know how to eat. If we can put meat on the Moon we can break the stranglehold that fruit and a couple of foreign beans have on our most precious confections.

“Cherries jubilee and Bananas Foster are po’ folk fare,” explains Horst Schwinehund, pastry chef of The Fountain of Meat in Chicago. “No dessert should be served that isn’t built around pork.” Horst went on to describe a drive he took with his family through the Illinois countryside.
“Mile after mile we drove past animals just hanging out on fields or in pens. It’s a scandal. How do you explain that to your children when you’re sending them to bed with only ice cream and cake in their bellies after they’ve slaved over Nintendo for hours? Those anibums should be covered in chocolate and sitting on multicolored paper plates.”

“We certainly have enough meat available to us in this country,” said Wilbert Boetog, Professor Emeritus of Butchery at the University of Meat in St. Louis, “there is no reason why our children should be exposed to vegetables until they are at least old enough to vote.”

“Just look what’s happening in Tibet right now,” he added, “those vegetarian Buddhists are getting their heads crushed in thinking they can kick out the carnivores. Never happen. They’re going to get eaten up.”

“Zoos are the worst offenders. City zoos should be a lunch counter in the park where you can get a zebra sandwich or monkey dog,” says Felicia Grott of the Meat and Drug Administration, “The happy animals in children’s books and cartoons are sending out the wrong message to our young: that animals are our friends and we should be like them and hang out all day bothering each other and acting like we’re on ecstasy. This in no way prepares children for the man eat dog world they’re going to have to compete in.”

“I think we’ve been missing out on a whole host of desert animals that are around us everyday. We could breed gerbils and guinea pigs just as fast as kids could eat them. Isn’t that better than wasting their little lives running on wheel cages all day? Just look at their eyes. They’re saying please eat me now I’m bored to death and I hate kids.”

“It’s different with dogs and cats. We get to neuter them and a lot of them have jobs. But I don’t see why we need starlings and bluebirds flapping around when we have ipods. It’ll take months of advertising on the kid’s channels but they’ll be screaming for Honey Beaks if we just do the right thing.”

Don Arrup
Satire1

In Memorial

Satire1 suspends its wit this post in memory of the individuals and their families whose sacrifice makes this blog and others like it possible.

Don Arrup
Satire1

Clinton Sweeps Osama in West Virginia

Hillary Clinton won the West Virginia Democratic Presidential Primary on May 13th leading Osama Bin Laden by more than forty per cent. Senator Barack Obama was also on the ballot but no one knew who he was.

“Being a terrorist himself he should know how to deal with these guys,” said Tex Whittie of Mingo County who voted for Bin Laden, “and he’s the richest of all these millionaires running so he’s probably the smartest.” When asked if he considered Barack Obama as a choice Tex said, “I saw him once on TV and he seems like a pretty smart guy but he’s only a senator in Al-Qaeda. What this country needs is the head guy.”

“I voted for Billary Clinton the last two times and was thrilled to support him again,” said Marge Nobainer of Pocahontas County, “and he should use Monica Lewinski again as Secretary of State. She has great secretarial skills and could make some real headway with those Talibanians.” When informed that it was Bill’s wife Hillary who was running Marge seemed surprised. “That big headed stud talking on the back of the pickup truck was his wife? I’m not for gay marriage.”

“I wouldn’t consider that Obama fellow after I heard how his preacher caused 9/11 and gave truck drivers AIDS,” said Milbore Chesston of Wirt.

“I didn’t know Hillary and Ben Laden were in the Senate together till yesterday,” said Eloise Poke of Boone. “I thought she had a real job. I would have voted for John McCain but I don’t see how he could run the country from a North Korean prison cell.”

Don Arrup
Satire1

Hell Care

We have about as much of a system of Health Care in this country as we had oversight in the housing market and disaster relief for New Orleans. We pay enough in insurance to send every eighth citizen to the Moon and that’s where they and another quarter of the population might as well be if they get sick. Satire1 asked the three presidential candidates to forget their proposals for a minute and just tell us what they want for themselves and their families from our health care chaos.

BO
I don’t see doctors anymore. They have too many opinions. Jeremiah Wright is a Doctor of Theology and he’s crazy. The guy who was giving me physicals in Chicago bought an option on tickets for the Cubs in the World Series this fall. Crazy. My wife and daughter go to an OBGYN. What does that mean? They still have their time of the month and rip me a new one in between. I don’t know what your tax dollars are paying for.
I go online to Web Sawbones and type in my symptoms and then order the drugs from Mexico. With orders over three hundred dollars they throw in a carton of Marlboros.
I have a health care plan something like Hillary’s. It won’t make much of a difference even if it gets past the lobbyists. Might get kids covered. That would be something, America caring for its kids. You know what makes me sick? Thinking about health care.

HC
Everywhere I go and speak to the American people I am always asked what’s the real difference between my health care plan and Senator Obama’s and I tell them, there’s no difference. There’s no difference between Senator Obama’s and my plan and Senator McCain’s. We’re all on the United States Senate’s millionaire club plan. We’re completely covered for whatever we want or need and you’re paying for it. You’re not going to get that. Oh, I’ll force your employer to offer you something that you’ll be forced to take which should make both of you miserable and drive more jobs overseas. You see my plan is all about choice.

JM
I won’t go to a doctor with a handicap over six. If he’s a surgeon he better not be four over par. And I try to get photographs of their golf shoes. They’ll tell you a lot more about his skill than the waste paper he’s framed over his wall. We’ll find a way to make health insurance premiums affordable to most Americans. We’ll never be able to get the insurance companies to pay up but under my administration I guarantee that you will be refused care by a licensed medical doctor or registered nurse. You don’t need layers of wasteful bureaucracy to say no. No matter what’s wrong with you you’re all right in my book. Of course, if either of my opponents has their way you’ll have a Jamaican woman waving a chicken over your head and telling you to drink more green tea.

Don Arrup
Satire1

Obama attends Wrong Church

Senator Barack Obama having broken ties with long time pastor and evangelator Rev. Jeremiah Wright declared, “Wright is wrong so I’m attending Rev. Wrong’s church because he is right.”

Rev. Wrong’s Middle Kingdom Not Chinese Church of Somebody Saved Some of Us in Chicago also has some controversial positions and its own Liberation Theology. Dr, Wrong’s SSSU Church holds that—

--Black Muslims created the HIV virus at Morgan State University in Baltimore, Maryland in 1974 to kill drug addicts, gays, milkmen and barbers. The master plan proved only a partial success; there are no more milkmen.

--American Slavery was the result of a multi-generational conspiracy to get in on the New World. North Western African tribes paid the Arabs to sell them to the Dutch and Portuguese. Alex Haley and black scholars have known about this for years but fear the loss Affirmative Action.

--There are no surviving descendants of the chosen people of the Bible. Jesus was the last Jew. The Arabs are their closest relatives but they got their own guy. Still, there was a Holocaust and it took place in New Jersey.

--Ireland is not a country. Scotland is.

--No one ever migrated to America for economic opportunity or political and religious freedoms. Everyone comes here because they heard you could get laid.

--White people can dance- just not to music.



Don Arrup
Satire1

NFL Draft Overlooks Top Talent Again

John McCain; Naval Academy; 5’10” 172 lbs.
OLB (Old Lying Bastard)
This durable maverick backer, the first real prospect out of Annapolis since Peanut Carter over three decades ago, really holds his ground and has the experience and instinct for defense but is weak on the economic side of the ball. Has no problem sticking his head into the storm and has recently showed uncharacteristic patience in letting the play come to him and then fully exploiting his opponent’s weakness. Having fulfilled his military and legislative obligations, McCain is already past a number of his playing years and will have to make an immediate impact in the world scene.
Pros
Defense, Immigration, Independence, Own party hates him
Cons
Economy, Immigration, Iraq, Press loves him

Hillary Clinton; Wellesley; 5’4” 126 lbs.
SS (Savage Shrew)
This tough campaigner never gives up on a play and is able to adapt quickly and disguise intentions. A punishing hitter who thinks fast on her feet is great in one on one match ups but draws flags for unsportswomanlike conduct. Married to former All American Bubba Bill.
Pros
Health care, Trade, Knows whole playbook inside out, Plays big in big states
Cons
Waffles when caught in middle, Husband, Not a team player, One third of the country hates her, First and only American ever to embellish a story about a trip overseas.

Barack Obama; Columbia; 6’1” 185 lbs.
TE (Total Elitist)
Relative unknown has made a sensation despite never having scored a bill. Graceful moves and deceptively nimble, he makes big plays in the open field but suffers under press coverage. Admired for the tough blue collar ethic the Ivy League is known for. A class act most of the time but can be haughty if he has to be.
Pros
Inspiring. Good looking. Eloquent in a tight spot, Open to new ideas. Half African American
Cons
Can’t bowl, Wife, Pastor, Has no new ideas, Half African American

Don Arrup
Satire1

Hard Water

Due to the far reaching effects of the current water crisis, Satire1 set up a panel of experts and average water users to discuss its origins and ramifications.

Expert A: Water had been enjoying its longest boom since the Stone Age. Never has it been as popular or fashionable as it is now. As people began to identify more with their water it graduated into a near necessity so naturally people wanted to own their own well. This did not go unnoticed by the banks and lending institutions that got together with Wall Street and invented ways to monetize the drilling of America.

Expert B: Now it’s important to understand that everybody drilled everybody else in this process. The real problem is that even those of us who weren’t seduced by this frenzy are getting drilled now.

Expert A: Overzealous lenders and drillers may have ignored their fiduciary obligations and persuaded landowners to drill in unproductive areas promising a waterfall on their investments. There are a lot of dry holes out there and many that do no more than bleed off once productive wells.

Expert C: The over drilling has led to mineralization of the entire nation’s water supply. Rivers, creeks, springs, wells and reservoirs have all hardened. We are now living in hard water times.

Expert B: And the water is only going to get harder.

Citizen 1: Isn’t there something the Federal Government can do to soften the water? It’s just been hell on my hair.

Expert A: President Bush has said that he believes the water could begin to soften as early as next year and that this would be a short mineralization. While he is more optimistic than most his administration has taken steps to contain the crisis. Rushing the Army Corps of Engineers in to save Poland Springs might have averted a catastrophic disruption to the nation’s water table.

Citizen 2: And people throughout the country whose wells taste like the Dead Sea won’t get any help except a for few hand holding programs from Congress.

Citizen 3: Arnold Schwarzenegger couldn’t get a comb through Hillary or Obama’s head. I think McCain’s wife combs his hair.

Citizen 2: It’s the same old story. The rich drink bottled water while the poor have to survive on tap.

Expert C: Water supplies across the globe have been affected. The pain really is widespread. We are living in a global village where if it rains in New York someone in China gets wet.

Citizen 3: I first noticed it in my underwear. I can’t tell you what hell this hard water can make of your laundry.

Expert B: You have to understand everybody got thirsty. It wasn’t just the big guys or the middle guys or the small fries. There was so much water flowing you’d think people would get bloated just looking at it but it made them thirstier. And the more water they saw the thirstier they got.

Don Arrup
Satire1

Bitter Pill

In San Francisco Democratic Presidential nominee Senator Barack Obama said that many working class voters were angry and bitter over economic conditions and have squandered their votes on religious, gun and immigration issues. The Clinton and McCain camps and small town citizens were quick to respond.

“He’s accusing working class and small town Americans of having feelings.” Said Bishop Mobely of the Clinton Camp. “Just because they didn’t go to Harvard doesn’t mean they’re children. It was a very condescending and elitist remark. These hard working Americans hate immigrants, love guns and use God to isolate themselves and condemn others because that’s the American way.”

“Sure things are tough right now for us here in the sticks,” said Clayton Heeb of Bentwig, Pennsylvania. “Our jobs moved overseas, our homes were foreclosed on and illegal immigrants took what few service jobs and affordable shacks were left but we don’t let it get us down or angry. We just buy more ammo.”

“This guy Obama is out of touch,” said John Deersly, an independent. “There will always be problems to solve and sacrifices to be made but its not like we don’t have a wife to beat.”

“I believe in Jesus in good times and bad,” said Betty Jo Bob Jean of Somewhere, Kansas. “This Iraq Obomber fellow dressed too funny when he was a child to understand how we feel. I think he’s one of those intellectuals, the same people who got Jesus in trouble and were nowhere to be found when he got crucified. How Jesus got mixed up with Jews is a great mystery but I think he did it to warn us against education.”

“I’ve seen nothing but smiling faces at our rallies all over this country,” said Ellen Nest of the McCain camp. “John tells them all about our progress in Iraq where we are disarming the populace; breaking up militias and criminal gangs; rebuilding the infrastructure; securing the borders; ending paralyzing partisanship; creating good jobs and how someday we will have the chance to do the same here in America.”

Don Arrup
Satire1

April Fool

Dear Fools,

April Fool believes that...

fossil juice is expensive now.

we're going to have a clean election about positions and ideas.

pigment has nothing to do with it.

genitals have nothing to do with it.

age has nothing to do with it (got us all there eventually).

the dark can not shine, the soft can't be strong nor the old be new.

the Feds will save Wall Street.

somebody will save the poor suckers at the other end.

we will get out of Iraq soon.

their job can't go overseas.

their pension is secure.

social security will still be there.

their car, washer machine and toothbrush are not part of a diabolical master plan perpetrated by haters of the Earth to end all life soon after their deaths when all the resources have been raped of Nature and even clowns aren't funny anymore and all shoes hurt.

someone will read this blog.


Don Arrup
Satire1