Dear Uncle Samta 09

I need a new decade. I wore this one out. Got a job. Got a better job. Got no job. Maxed out my credit card. Bought a house. Bought some stock. Was rich like twice. More broke now than I’ve been since I was a kid. Lost my hair, some teeth and the ability to read anything after sundown. My toes are down here somewhere. Ate too much shit. Took too much crap. Never got laid but was screwed with great frequency. Paid taxes. Saw doctors. Watched TV. Made friends on the Internet. My ass itches; more now than in any other time in my life. I hope that’s a good sign.

I need stimulus. Young beaver. Silver dollar pancakes. Row boat. A guy with a big hat and big beard to go fishing with. A retired porn star wife who makes beer. She doesn’t have to clean the house. Leave it a mess. My life’s a mess. I’m a mess. I’ll feel at home.

Obama’s been boss for almost a year and not a phone call or an email. I don’t think he’s asking about me. Anyone who knows me would tell me if Obama was asking about me. It’d be like a big deal or something. Invites total strangers to his parties. I don’t even have a record player.

Movies suck. It’s all eye drug and haemoid ice cream. Music’s worse. I freely admit that half the music I enjoyed was noise. Now it’s all noise. An angry hobo screaming at you about shit while you’re laying on the floor of a speeding boxcar.

TV’s all mean people and assholes. I can’t tell if I’m watching a reality show or a cartoon. The only thing more ridiculous and unreal is the News. And it’s a whole different world on every network. Thank god I never sesame to cable.

Young people post photo albums of every moment of youth I’m trying to forget. I expect people under thirty to be depressed, obsessed and psychotic but most of them just look concerned. They look like they’ll be middle-aged in like ten minutes. They scare me, even more than when I was young.

Looks like we have seasons again. Missed them. A cold puddle followed by a big puddle, hot concrete and finally the trees littering. I’d go to the park but I usually step in dog shit.

Happy New Decade

Don Arrup
Satire1

Take My Vote. Please

Senate Majority Leader Reid claims to have sixty senators willing to vote in favor of ending the debate on the bill that no one has read but everyone has bled. Below are democratic senators from around the country on exactly what bribe they demanded.

“I told Harry he’s got to take my mother in law off my hands. He lives two blocks away from me. His wife doesn’t work and is known for her foot rubs. I told him you want my vote I want my life. She can visit us anytime I’m not home. I’ll pay top rent dollar but your wife’s got to feed her and pretend to listen to her sometimes. Otherwise, you’ll wish you were in the Senate.”

“The people of my state need to get laid. I don’t care what it takes: legalizing prostitution, marijuana or gay marriage. I tell them sex is green. I tell them it is the only adult activity we haven’t taxed yet. I tell them it burns calories and aids sleep. A hand job and a bowl of ice cream is Saturday night in our capital. We can’t do anything to protect farm animals. Half our National Guard is in Iraq while our wool and dairy industries are being sodomized.”

“The people of my state aren’t sick. I’ve been in every hospital in my state and everybody’s just having babies or too damn old or did something stupid.
They have pills for everything. If you’re a senior we almost cover it. If not then the pharmacist is going to step around the counter and pull your pants off. Your wallet won’t cover it. Wear a long coat. This bill mentions that problem. I’ve been promised that.”

“I want the Super Bowl in our state. At least once a decade. Hell, we have a stadium you can bang your wife in but in the Hollywood Football League if you’re not on the coast or belly of this country you don’t exist.”

Don Arrup
Satire1

All For Joe

President Obama responded to the Health Care debate:

Of course Joe is going to get his way. I wouldn’t have it any other way. Joe is the way. I ran for the Office of the President of the United States in order to serve Joe. Every decision I make is ultimately weighed on a single scale: What’s good for Joe.

Now, I can’t take all the credit. The House of Representatives and the Senate have been working tirelessly to put on a show to dramatize the inevitable outcome. Way to go Joe.

Now Joe isn’t related to the plumber. They’re just both Joes. If there is any relation through family or organization I am totally unaware of it. The plumber lost anyway. Joe won. Joe always wins.

God bless Joe. Thank you.

Don Arrup
Satire1

Obama In Plain English

Afghanistan is f**ked up. It was before I took office and has been getting more f**ked up ever since. So we’re going to kick some ass. The Taligang has gotten bigger so I’m sending in more boots. They’re not staying forever. We’re kicking ass and then handing it over to the locals. Tell them we’ll send you some money. Keep a couple of our wise guys to talk to you. You do the bleeding and dying. Its your home not ours.

All of their neighbors are trouble. Some have nukes and some are developing nukes. And they all hate each other. The Osama gang is working the whole neighborhood and looking to trouble us. They’ve troubled us in the past and we’ve had enough of it.

Now it’s going to suck for a while. And even if we get everything out of this caper that we want it’s still going to suck. So the question is do we shrink the gun they’re pointing at us or do we keep losing over there or pull our people home and suck the big one soon.

How are we going to pay for all this? I say since we’re the biggest dog there we demand our cut of the corruption. A percentage of the heroin trade alone would pay for Afghanistan and Iraq.

And I know a lot of my critics have been complaining about my administration having our hand up our butt over this for weeks but we had to first figure which hand it was so we knew we were smelling the right fingers. I think we have a pretty good idea now. So you can all sleep better now knowing that the war, death and debt will go on.

Don Arrup
Satire1

No Thanks Giving 09

Satire1 asks all of its readers who are still employed to direct their charitable contributions to Bank of America in Charlotte, North Carolina so that they may continue their important lobbying effort to block consumer protections from becoming law. Our failure to properly fund this cause could result in a reduction of multi-million dollar bonuses so needed by the people who stole your children’s future.

I don’t know where to send the troops. The whole world terrifies me.

People are starting to pull 2010 on me. I don’t believe in 2010 yet. I can’t see the end of 2009. I haven’t survived it.

A rose by any other name would not smell as sweet. It’d smell like feet.

Don Arrup
Satire1

Lobbyists Versus Activists

I tend to fear lobbyists less than activists. Lobbyists just want to rob us. Activists want to tell us how to live. Now, it is true that the robbing lobbyists do tends to be perpetual. The hand goes in our pockets and never comes out. I consider it just another not being rich tax.

Activists, on the other hand (the one not in your pocket), want to have us by the throat. They want to tell us what we can do with our bodies, who we can marry, what we can ingest, where we can smoke and which human needs are legitimate and which are socialist.


Lobbyists bribe. Activists cry.
Lobbyists write checks. Activists write letters.
Lobbyists burn in Hell. Activists make our lives Hell.

*Readers are invited to add their comparisons through the Comment Function.

Don Arrup
Satire1

Afghan Corruption A Bargain By Wahsington Standards

Administration officials admitted yesterday that efforts to control corruption in the Afghan government of President Hamid Karzai have failed but noted that Kabul still remains a bargain when compared to Washington.

“In Washington the banking and financial industry have to spend $8000 per congressman to continue to rob the country. In Afghanistan you can own a legislator for a tenth of that.”

Obama defended President Karzai’s policies. “What our critics are calling corruption I call revenue. We can’t stop their drug trade but the bribes at least act as a tax on Afghanistan’s only thriving industry besides death. If you want to attract quality people to their government service then you do what Wall Street does to hold on to the best and the brightest. You let them steal.”

“When Halliburton and the other thieves go into a village the wash of your tax dollars acts as a economic stimulus. The American people have to accept that the only functioning economy Afghanistan has is drugs, mercenaries, terrorism and rugs. Rampant corruption assures that not all of the aid we send will end up in Karzai’s pocket as he jets out of the country the moment we pull our support and his shamocracy collapses.”

Don Arrup
Satire1

Gay Couples Stealing Straight Babies

Reports are pouring in from states that recognize same sex marriage that gay couples are stealing the babies of heterosexual couples. The Federal Bigot Bureau does not keep statistics for cross sexual preference kidnapping but members of Congress are considering making the abduction of children by gay couples a federal crime.

“These gay couples are taking later born children from straight couples who they deem have more than their share and can not properly provide higher educational opportunities for,” said Matrix Opem of the FBI. “The feeling in the gay community is that children raised without a liberal arts education could grow up conservative and breed voters.”

“Sure there are some gay couples that steal babies from straight couples but most, like my partner and I, steal their babies from other gay couples. I don’t know where the lesbians got our baby but she has a very well decorated home now,” said Hiram Lebcowski, spokesperson for the Give Me Your Straight Baby Coalition. “Everyone knows sperm donation is rape and we would rather die than have our baby brought up by rapists.”

“Of course gay people steal babies from straight couples. We’re godless perverts who live to corrupt the very fabric of civilization and improve fashion sense,” said Miriam Chalk of the Lesbian Cradle Robbers Union. “We’re raising children who will not see oral sex as a favor but as a right. If the public has a problem with it let them have a plebiscite. They’re voting on whether we’re human beings or not. Let the people take up this issue as well.”

Don Arrup
Satire1

Option Optional

Again Satire1 goes to the United States Senate to inquire how the so-called Public Option or the federal government’s alternative choice to private health insurance is coming along in the new health care reform bill.

“Well, as I see it, the Senate has three options. They can opt for the Public Option for all Americans, opt for the states to decide if they want to offer the option or offer no Public Option at all. I think we should opt to allow states the option whether to offer a public option but if it costs money I’m against it.”

“These bills are so complex and I have three bills in front of the Finance Committee. Thank god the lobbyists have already made up their minds.”

“Whatever the American people have been scared into believing will at the end of the day prevail.”

“I can’t bail out the big insurance companies again and face my electorate. So let the companies soak the taxpayers directly then taxes won’t seem so bad.”

Don Arrup
Satire1

Public Option

Satire1 had the chance to interview Senators from across the country while in Washington on the public option or the federal government’s alternative health care coverage that is to compete with private insurance companies and HMOs.

“I’m for the public option as long as it drops people as soon as they get sick. Otherwise its just not a level playing field.”

“I’m against the proposed public option. Even the federal government can only reach a certain level of inefficiency. People could get the care they need and swell even further our exploding Social Security rolls.”

“I don’t believe in offering the people a choice. I mean, this is America. What your boss chooses for you and your family is fine by me.”

“If the people want good health care coverage then run and win a Senate seat like I did. If you’re a convicted felon then stay in prison.”

“We have a public option for health care now. Its called join the Army.”

“AIG can be the public option. The public already owns it. Let the people rip themselves off.”

“This doesn’t have to anything to do with credit default swaps, does it?”

“I’m all for the public option. The government should offer it to anyone who buys one of our cars.”

“I say draft all the doctors and nurses who aren’t nuns.”

“Why are we messing with the only industry in the country that’s still making a buck?”

“Of course doctor owned hospitals cost Medicare three times as much per patient. Why would anybody go to medical school if not to make money?”

Don Arrup
Satire1

Take The Fall

Who cares about Health Care? We’re all going to die anyway. Whether you live to die rich or forgiven or remembered doesn’t matter. We are like the leaves on the trees. We grow, make our green and then find the rest of our colors hopefully before we fall. Where do we go when we die? In the Earth. That’s good enough.

Circumstances remain anxious. The desperate increase. The huge boulder of inevitability has been slowed by its slaughter but not stopped rolling. Who the hell ever called it a balloon? What pop blows away more households than Katrina? Well, they couldn’t afford health insurance anyway. They were always just a roller skate from the street.

Don Arrup
Satire1

Why Obama Won The Nobel

It is shameful to question the Nobel Prize Committee’s choice of United States President Barack Obama for the International Peace Prize. During the nine plus months of his administration President Obama has:

--Not started a new war even though it is obvious that the American people are tired of Iraq and Afghanistan.

--Bartended for a Boston Police Officer and Harvard Professor.

--Addressed the world’s Muslims and secured peace and security for the state of Israel.

--Not fought publicly with his wife First Lady Michelle Obama and ended domestic violence not only in the present but retroactively back two generations erasing scars of abuse suffered by millions of women and former children.

--Looked good in suits.

--Given the United States Congress the opportunity to make fools of themselves.

--Stood up for a College Football Bowl Championship Playoffs.

--Domesticated Rahm Emanuel at least for now.

--Given Joe Biden a job.

--Given Hilary Clinton a job.

--Extended my unemployment benefits.

Don Arrup
Satire1

Death Default Swaps

Its financial collapse season again. The leaves on Wall Street turn from green to red while the suits turn yellow. Hello. Too much bad paper to push unreal estate so they turn to buying up life insurance payoffs. After years of bundling home loans into securities and gamboling on the solvency of this mania with credit default swaps Wall Street turns to buying up life insurance policies from those no longer needing to protect their children or spouse. They bundle the policies into securities and pay the premiums and hope that water will run uphill this time. Before, they wanted to rob you by lending you money. Now, they want you to die.

Don Arrup
Satire1

Headlines During The UN Assembly

Health Care Debate Caused National Bullet Shortage
Unload your Constitutional Rights into your neighbor’s car. Rumors of Death Panels roaming the Midwest.

SUVS Protected By The Second Amendment
They kill more people than guns.

Sex Responsible For Overpopulation
Childless couples and singles celebrated the world over “I was careful and lucky and today I’m free” Day with masturbation and ice cream.

Marie Antoinette Gave Head
Is that what that huge wig was all about?

God No Longer Wants To Be Called Lord
Wants to be called “G” now.

Israelis To Be Called Palestinians Since They Live In Palestine

Diabetes Is The New AIDS
Obese is the new sexy.

James Cagney Put Something In His Hair

Record High Unemployment Among Six-Year-Olds
Experts blame aging Rock stars trying to stay relevant.

Sweatshops To Install Fans

Popeye Put Something In His Pipe

Asthma Linked To Breathing

Second Hand Cell Phone The New Smoke

Women Look Good

Obama Put Something In His Hair And Now He Doesn’t

Emmys Are A Commercial
Television makes itself an advertisement for television.

Monica Lewinsky Put Something In Her Mouth

Beer Tastes Good

Don Arrup
Satire1

Smoking Banned In Public Imagination

Nico Nazis of the NYC Dept. of Health have proposed banning smoking in public parks, beaches and imagination. A spokesperson for the agency suggested that the Sun was allergic to cigarette smoke and has brought the record rainfall of the summer in order to combat the second hand smoke of those relaxing in the parks and beaches. The spokesperson said that along with seeking the ban in open-air public spaces that they would seek a ban on smoking in the public imagination. This would include banning any movie or book that portrays smoking or characters who smoke. Casablanca, The Magnificent Seven and Star Wars would be among the casualties.

Nora Coffy, chairwoman of the Committee to Castrate All Smokers, praised the proposals. “My thirty-sixth floor apartment overlooks Riverside Park and I can’t open the windows to smell the Henry Hudson Parkway in spring because there is always some smoker violating a public bench with their murderous addiction. Sometimes it’s a cigar smoker!”

Don Arrup
Satire1

The Uncivil War

So once again South Carolina fired its volley at the Federal summit provoking uncivil war in a time of conflict. A white man insulting a black man in public is nothing new of course only this time the black man was the President of the United States addressing the nation. A perfunctory apology was strong-armed out of accuser by his party’s leadership. The President’s enemies mailed him checks.

The last time South Carolina protested a President it was Abraham Lincoln, the first Republican to hold that office, and the protest was cannon balls and rockets fired on Fort Sumter. The rebels won the day and lost the war. Some, obviously, never got over it.

Was the accusation correct? Was the President lying when he said that the Health Care Reform he was advocating would not cover illegal immigrants? In New York City where Satire1 resides most hospitals and clinics do not ask about a patient’s resident status. Whose fault is that? The Republicans did nothing to reform immigration when they were in power so the mess spills over into Health Care and Education issues. Congress could empower the President to cut off all federal health care dollars to states that don’t comply with the small print of whatever bill passes but South Carolina might see that as an intrusion on state’s rights.

I agree that the President pronouncing that illegal immigrants will not be covered strains credulity in practice. Some clinics and hospitals will probably find a way to cover abortion as well with the reform but is it a lie of the magnitude that the enemies of reform have spread? Death panels? Canadian socialism?

One politician calling another politician a liar is like a ram calling a bull horny.

Don Arrup
Satire1

Labor Day Rag

We don’t call it Workers’ Day because that sounds communist. We do recognize that many of us keep the world livable in dirty, often-dangerous underpaid jobs that are just as important as any other real job. If Presidents, moms, dads, groundhogs, veterans, secretaries and trees have their day so should those who feed, clean, sew, repair, build and dispose.

Except for President’s Day there is no Boss’s Day. You might say every workday is Boss’s Day unless you have been one. Its not Employees Day but if you’re unemployed its not your day- you don’t get a day off or to celebrate or be celebrated and you damn well know it.

We have these holidays and we usually forget what most of them mean or chose not to think about it. Memorial Day is back to the beach weekend rather than a remembrance of the price paid and being paid for our freedom. Labor Day is the last chance to go to the beach weekend.

Satire1 again chooses to suspend its wit this post in honor of those who do not receive bonuses when they screw up the entire world; grab international attention when they get drunk and forget their panties; gain viewers and listeners by playing to our basest instincts; sell books by sleeping with thieves and charlatans; and all other exploitive parasitic elements who take too much of this nation’s bounty.

To those of you who labor hard for little money and keep our world operating I thank you. We could not live without you.

Don Arrup
Satire1

Ted

Your father bootlegged because he believed in booze, money and power. But he also believed that you help your own with those treasures accumulated. Growing up on the loss of your siblings to war, lobotomy, plan crash and assassinations your idea of your own expanded. Maybe it was the girl left in the drink. I don’t know. You were the go to man for the liberals for three decades. Like your rival Ron we always knew where you stood but trusted you would get a deal. Even your opponents in the Senate loved you. Perhaps it was because you listened. Perhaps it was because you had learned what it really is to be an American.

Don Arrup
Satire1

Health Care Reform-Hitler or Stalin

Radio Tyrants, Death Panels, Socialism National and Communist.
We have to cut down costs or the current growth of insurance companies profits will be unsustainable. . Don’t have to worry about the drug companies. A handshake behind closed doors. What are we fighting about? It’s over.

Public option? We have that now. Just wait a minute and two more families qualify for Medicaid.

Hey, we’re fat and broke and diabetic. Time to do nothing.

They’re fighting like kids in a schoolyard. Everybody wants change. Everybody promises change but you don’t have to change if you like your coverage. What would you rather have- higher taxes or higher premiums? You’ll get both, I promise you.

It will bankrupt the country. It’s bankrupting the country right now.
Its revenue neutral- like World War Two. How long do you have to stand and shit on this Earth before you realize that everything everything everything takes four times as long, terrifies at least half those involved, conjures setbacks, obstacles, tornadoes, typhoons, scandals, prosecutions and will cost at least ten times as much as the guys who couldn’t get laid in college and now are middle aged assure. Assure, you know, that’s the name of the best selling adult diaper. Or is that Depends?

The Republicans piss off and the Democrats shit pants. Your tax dollars at work.

Don Arrup
Satire1

Obama Offers Palin Seat On Death Panel

In a bi-partisan gesture President Obama publicly offered former Alaskan Governor and Republican Vice Presidential candidate Sarah Rah Rah Palin a seat on the proposed death panel- the headstone of his Health Care Reform plan.

“If Governor Palin is afraid we’ll throw her baby in the gas chamber to reduce health care costs I as a parent can understand that. There have been many nights when the First Lady and I stayed up till dawn trying to figure out just what exactly we would do if the government came and took our daughters. We know the insurance company will murder them if either of them develops an expensive condition. But that’s all of us.”

“If Governor Palin feels that she will have no say in the fate of her baby then I am extending a seat on the Death Panel where her vote will have equal weight with the other fifteen panel members of her region.”

“Though not all the details of these panels has been ironed out between the 846 different Health Care Reform bills under consideration it is my understanding that most of them seek to model the historically successful Star Chamber of the Grand Inquisition and the Final Solution Committee of the Third Reich’s SS.”

“And they will be uniquely American Death Panels reflecting our community values of fairness and compassion. There will be no consideration given to the victim’s race, religion or gender. Only the viability of treatment and whether the victim is someone most of us would like to sleep with will be considered. The poor and disadvantaged will get an immediate pass to gas chambers through Medicaid with the federal government footing the cremation as well. I think that’s only fair.”

Don Arrup
Satire1

Summer Brave

Occasion to beach. Overcast. Forecast unfavorable.
Sand flesh water.
The waves kept pulling my pants down.
I kept tugging them up.
Pockets full of water.
Sun. Sun block. Sun burn.
Clouds win.
Hard breeze or soft wind.

The new real world we lived in began with my birth.
Everything before my birth is Old Testament.
Of course, now a new real world is crashing down on us.
Somebody else must have been born and I can barely keep my pants up.
I don’t blame them for the sea. Well, I’ve never actually seen the sea. Just the ocean. I think you have to be at sea with nothing but water around you to see the sea. I don’t blame them.

Everything wrong with the world up to 2007 is my fault.
I’m not solely to blame for 2008 and 2009 is well, we’ll see.
And despite the endless rain here and the endless drought opposite it is still summer. Here and there. Moments really.
It’s a lousy summer. But it isn’t over yet. Amen.

Don Arrup
Satire1

Obama Invites God and Devil To A Beer

President Obama having commented on recent altercation between the God of Light and the Prince of Darkness has apologized and asked Jehovah and Lucifer to come by the White House for a beer.

“I spoke without knowing all the facts. I’ve read the Bible and Milton but those are human accounts of a conflict older than McDonald’s. Now if God remains in heaven and the Devil continues to dwell in Hell I just don’t see any opportunity for progress. If the two great universal forces can’t be brought together in the same room I’m afraid that we the people will continue to suffer, age, rage and chose inappropriate footwear.”

“A guy calls up his health insurance company and tells the agent or the guy in India who answers the phone that their doctors have told him he’s dying and he immediately needs food, air, water, clothing and shelter or he’s going to die soon. He went to specialist after specialist hoping he would find another diagnosis but to no avail. Plagued with these relentless needs and just a breath or heartbeat away from death-as we all are- he pleaded with his health insurance company to save him. The person who only has a first name now holds the caller’s fate in his hands tells the insured that dying is exempt from coverage due to a pre-existing condition called birth. The company is compelled, even by state and federal law, to only accept people who were born and who can even recall the date of their birth. And since we begin dying from the moment we are born birth is a pre-condition to dying.”

“Now the dying caller wasn’t about to try to deny he was born. In all honesty he did fill in a date. A day he could not recall anything about. Not even sure he was even alive. The insurance company is acting within the law and has every right to deny the caller these prescriptions which he so desperately needs in order to survive.”

“Now you may to asking yourself what this has to do with inviting God and the Devil over for a beer and isn’t even this theological beer summit something Hilary should be handling as Secretary of Pants. I appreciate your confusion and if I had any idea whatsoever how they are linked except by our wider financial crisis I would explain it to you to the best of my ability.”

“We, the people of the United States and of the entire world, are stuck with this condition called Death because a Jewish couple from what I’ve read failed to obey God about this tree which started all the trouble in the Middle East which continues to this day. This is why we have to address Health Care, International Relations, Green Infrastructure, God, the Devil now in order to create an economy that will serve the needs of the born.”

Don Arrup
Satire1

Where's Obama?

Rumors, riots, demonstrations and spontaneous marches took place across the nation as the American public turned on their television sets Thursday night and President Obama was not lecturing the nation on the need to be calm.

“He wasn’t on Today or Oprah or whoever does the Tonight Show. Where is Obama? Do we still have a President?”

“They couldn’t have impeached him since yesterday. I thought it must be a conspiracy.”

“Obama’s been turning grey so quickly I thought maybe Michelle made him quit.”

“I think he made himself sick trying to push Health Care reform through.”

As Obama’s absence from the airways continued into Friday afternoon panic began to grip the nation. Commentators offered little solace with half hearted speculations that President Obama might be holed up in the Oval Office actually executing his duties as chief executive officer of the United States.

“I didn’t vote for him to be doing that same old crap. I voted for him to be on TV telling the country every night that The Man for once isn’t a white guy.”

“Maybe he’s on vacation. Does he have a ranch like the last one?”

“At least when he was overseas we knew where he was. Like that African country that fights Star Trek.”

“I never knew what he was talking about but I knew he was talking to me.”

Don Arrup
Satire1

You Judge

Satire1’s favorite excerpts from the Judge Sotomayor’s Senate Confirmation Hearings:

Sen. Hitler
“In a speech to mongrel Affirmative Action communists you were quoted as saying that you hoped that ‘an older Latina woman’ would make a wiser decision than a white man. It’s a common conceit among all groups, since everyone is a minority of one form or another that their group’s suffering is unique and gives them a special insight not available to outsiders. So my question to you is this. Do you think that I by virtue of my race have a smaller penis than the average Latino man?”

Soto
“ Penis size is not a factor that I generally take into account when judging a case.

Sen. Hitler
“Let’s be honest, Maria, you can feel my probe right now. Do I feel like someone you would like to date if you were single?”

Soto
“I think you would have a better time with Justice Roberts.”

Sen. Marx
“I’ve noted in your biography, Judge, that you grew up in government owned housing in the Bronx borough of New York City. You were nourished by the federal government’s food stamp program and clothed by welfare checks. You attended New York City public schools where you were taught that your state was your father and the city your mother and that the federal government alone is god. Having reaped the bounty of our socialist paradise you attended Princeton and Yale Law School on scholarship and attained as fine an education as the world offers. So would you explain to me, Judge, in your own personal opinion why your borough alone among the five is preceded by ‘the’ and do you think that I might simply refer to it as Bronx and not the Bronx?”

Soto
“You do and I will be needing the services of your proctologist to retrieve my gavel.”

Sen. Gun
“Judge, the second amendment of the Constitution states that ‘A well regulated Militia, being necessary to the security of a free State, the right of the people to keep and bear Arms, shall not be infringed.’ Now, in your legal opinion, don’t you think that the founding fathers also intended that the people had the right to keep their legs as well and that their legs should not be infringed upon?

Soto
“Though I am not a social historian my understanding of the time in which the Constitution was written local laws forbade bare legs in public.”

Sen. Gun
“Judge, why is Militia capitalized and the people written in lower case?”

Soto
“As I used to tell my classes at Columbia Law Militia here refers to what we would today call a gang. Gangs of that era raped women who worked outside their homes; hunted down escaped slaves and bondsmen; murdered debtors and bill collectors; suppressed free speech and generally maintained what was then considered civil society. Their reference is capitalized in deference to their close proximity to the chambers in which the Constitution was voted on.”

Sen. Dove
“Your Honor, do you believe that torture can be exempted from the Constitution’s prohibition of cruel and unusual punishment if the tortured is a candidate for lifelong tenure on the United States Supreme Court?

Soto
“The separation of powers delineated in the Constitution puts the floor of both the House of Representatives and the Senate beyond the reach of the courts. Thus the history of canings, shootings and murders in which the legislative representatives of the people are a law or lawlessness unto themselves.”

Sen. Hawk
“Do you, Judge, believe there are activist judges?

Soto
“I take the fifth.”

Sen. Hawk
“Amendment or rum?”

Soto
“Both.”

Sen. Bun
“Judge, is there any mention of marriage, abortion, stem cells, second hand smoke, greenhouse gases, healthcare, bailouts, the Internet or your shoes in the Constitution?”

Soto
“ A properly tailored robe hides a judge’s feet. Neither the plaintive nor the defendant knows if the judge is in fact wearing shoes at all. Justice is not blind but blindfolded and there is a difference between being sightless and voluntarily surrendering sight temporarily for the purpose of an ideal. But the blindfold that Justice wears is of necessity loose so that our personified virtue can see where she is stepping. Justice is not interested in our face but I suspect that since she is a female deity or ideal that she is deeply fascinated by our footwear or lack thereof. I am here in Washington to provide the members of this committee with every opportunity to posture, grandstand, pontificate and show off for the cameras. I have been grilled over senseless abstractions posing as legal questions, particular phrases I used in hour long lectures delivered over a decade ago, the effect my television viewing choices in childhood had on my subsequent legal career and whether I put out on the first date. If confirmed I will be the third woman to serve on the nation’s highest court and I chose to refer to my judicial robe as a moo moo in the company of friends. Thank you, Senators.”

Don Arrup
Satire1

Foreclosures Costing Ghosts Jobs

Statistics released yesterday by the Bureau of Paranormal Affairs claim record high unemployment among ghosts, phantoms and disembodied voices as foreclosures empty houses of the audiences these specters depend on for their dyinghood.

“There’s just nobody to haunt in this whole neighborhood,” said Eleanor Minsk (deceased 1931). “The few families that are left think I’m from a collection agency.”

“I’ve been all geared up on weekend afternoons counting on realtors to at least bring in some matinees but there’s been nobody,” said Harold Tater (suicide 1964). “ I don’t know why I bother to gather my vibrations.”

“Nobody gives a boo when credit card bills and mortgage payments are worse than any nightmare.”

Edgar Allen Poe offered a perspective. “I’ve been dead for over a hundred and fifty years and have to travel constantly between Baltimore, Philadelphia and New York to keep my homes haunted and I tell you I’ve never seen anything like this. It was bad after the Civil War with more ghosts than houses in some counties and scaring squatters in the Great Depression made a lot of spirits give up the ghost but this recession is scary.”

In response to the crisis the National Parks Administration is extending visiting hours to national shrines to accommodate more dead veterans but admits that there has been a waiting list for years. “We haven’t had a spot free for a Vietnam Vet yet and we’re in two ongoing wars.”

Don Arrup
Satire1

Madoff Announces Retirement In 2162

After being sentenced by Judge Chin to 150 years in prison for running history’s largest financial ponzi scheme, Bernard Madoff announced that he would serve the term as a hiatus from his business and not officially retire until 2162 after he has had a few years of freedom to amass another fortune. Madoff will be 224 years old. “I may need another wife by then,” Madoff said. “I love the old girl but she ought to be okay for a while with the 15 million I transferred into her account when the wolves found our door.”

Madoff assured relatives that he loved his wife as much as any man could but that few marriages last 200 years. “When you’re young and in love you think you will feel the same way forever but as the centuries wear on the differences become difficult to ignore.
Mrs. Madoff is completely on board with me here agreeing to stick by me for my first fifty years of incarceration while I adjust. Then she can go dig up the hidden loot and begin her new life.”

Statistics show that couples separated by incarceration for over a century rarely reunite. “By being realistic now and dealing with the challenges ahead for our family we can still be friends when I’m out and attending our great great grandchildren’s weddings. “

When Madoff was asked if he thought he might remarry while in prison or after he responded, “I’ll probably be tired of being a husband by the time we divorce. I’d like to try being the wife for a change. Hopefully, if I exercise, eat right and keep my figure some nice large tattooed man will have me.”

Don Arrup
Satire1

Ayatollah Condemns Violence In Minnesota's Senate Election

As the boarders close between Minneapolis and St. Paul and the Minnesota National Guard is called out by Gov. Tim Pawlenty to disarm the State Police, Ayatollah Ali Khamenei, Supreme Leader of Iran, called on the international fantasy community to condemn the violence in the Gopher State. At the heart of the civil war are the disputed election returns from last November’s U.S. Senate race between incumbent Neanderthal Norm Coleman and challenger Hippie Al Franken.

“The city of St. Paul is appalled by the Governor’s suppression of the demonstrations calling for the seating of Al Franken to give the Democrats the filibuster busting 60th seat,” said Mayor Mary Richards.

“The election results are a farce,” said Mayor Ted Baxter of Minneapolis, “in a state with 4 million voters how could anyone win by as many as 300 votes in a recount that only took seven months?”

Violence escalated when Minneapolis’ most famous resident Minerva (Minnie) Mouse was shot down in the streets while protesting the protests. A camera crew from WJM-TV’s Six O’clock News was on hand to ask Ms. Mouse whom she had voted for. With her dying breath she confessed she could not remember the election having been so long ago. “Since breaking up with Mickey I’ve learned to live in the here and now.”

President Obama threatened grave repercussions if the Iranian meddling continues. “Though I along with former President Reagan owe our elections to the Iranian leadership, the people of Minnesota will decide for themselves who will be Mickey Mouse’s next girlfriend.”

Don Arrup
Satire1

Bush Wins Recount in Iranian Election

In a surprising development in the Iranian Presidential elections, George Walker Bush is declared the winner in a recount conducted by the Revolutionary Death to All Jews and Americans Council, a non-partisan group. The Supreme Court in Tehran and the Ayatollah Big Meanie publicly sanctioned the results and pledge full cooperation. Former United States President Bush responded to his victory on his ranch in Texas.

“The people of Iran have spoken and what they want is change. As the Iranian Supreme Leader I will ratchet up the nuclear program and prepare the country to meet its greatest threat: the aggression of the United States Military in its backyard. I will demand from the legislature unlimited powers to take back the Straits of Vermouth immediately and double funding to Hamas and Hezbollah in order to kick start a middle east peace process.”

Don Arrup
Satire1

BSTV Converter Box

On Friday, June 12, 2009 all analog television transmissions ended and only high definition digital signals are allowed to saturate our airways. Since the conversion to HDTV signals represented a financial burden on lower income Americans who were still receiving their transmissions like Fred Flintstone the federal government provided a converter box coupon program valued at $40 which was usually enough to cover the tax on the lower end boxes.

Being that no digital to analog converter box actually works the manufactures were encouraged to offer a wide variety of special features.

Antenna Tyrant 5000
Features patented BS* filter to remove any exaggeration or fabrication of facts uttered by politicians, experts and business leaders. Essentially shuts out news programs, documentaries, political campaign commercials, interview shows and the State of the Union address.

BoobTube 46D
Exclusive feature enhances breast size of any actresses or reality show participant displaying cleavage. May block out face altogether on generously endowed individuals like Dolly Parton or Rush Limbaugh.

Teltosterone Master
Offers only balls, pucks, guns, cars, bikinis, beers and animals. Easily combined with BoobTube 46D.

Estrogen Third Millennium
Blocks all balls, pucks, guns, cars, bikinis and beers. Animals optional.

Barney Carry Yoke
Adds simple calliope background to Hearing Impaired close captioning making every program a sing a long. FDIC warns not to operate with in laws after consuming alcoholic beverages.

Don Arrup
Satire1

GM.gov

Check out General Motors’ new bankruptcy line of cars. Remember, it’s your car company.

Cheney 7000 Torturer
No shocks, no brakes, no muffler but I must confess this dark little back-alley van made me feel safe to scream.

Obamalac
Not only rule but also own all you see in this answer to Henry Ford and his Lincoln.

Clinton Global SUV
From the lawless tribal area of DC to the luxurious villages of North Korea this hump takes the bump.

Soto Racerist
A real car to meet the real needs of everyone except white men.

Biden Time Electric
Essentially a two seated wheel chair with a bubble around it. Room to get frisky.

Don Arrup
Satire1

Congress Bans Waterboarding of Credit Card Holders

The International Red Cross complained to Congress and the Administration that American credit card holders are still suffering inhumane treatment from the banking industry and that recent legislation does not go near far enough to protect their most basic rights. “Offering a line of credit to an American is tantamount to giving a machine gun to a nine year old,” said the IRC spokesthing. “They not only shoot themselves in the foot, they blow it off completely only to find that their health insurance will not cover it.”

“The IRC believes that the facilities of Guantanamo Bay are a vacation resort compared to the treatment low income Americans and students suffer at the hands of credit card companies whose doomsday contracts steeped in legalese and flea font seduce citizens into financial white slavery. The almost universal clause that the companies reserve the right to do anything to you for any reason harkens back to Antebellum.”

“There’s a reason its called Master Card. It means the cardholder has a master who by contract can change the conditions of that contract for any reason at anytime.”
The new bill by Congress ignores most of the non-contract contract’s conditions but many members of Congress were quick to point out the new and few protections.

“The Banks will have to give you sixty days notice that they are going to have sex with your wife and I’m sure that President Obama will sign it,” said Congressman Schlub of East Virginia. “They can’t just walk into your- uh, their house and drop their pants at will like they do today. The American taxpayer should know when they’re being screwed and this legislation guarantees that. It will be April 15th and sixty days from notification from the banks.”

Critics point out that the bill will not become active for over a year and a lot of Americans will be screwed before the law takes effect. “The economy is a singles bar and has been since the late 1970’s,” said Senator Cocheesz of New Cuba. “You drink a little too much, spend a little too much and you don’t who you’ll wind up under.”

Advocates for consumers have pointed out that the new bill does nothing to limit the high interest rates that had been banned as usury in Western Civilization for almost two thousand years but were relaxed in 1980 during that high inflationary period when only bank lobbyists had good theatre tickets. “Where was I going to take my secretary when Cats was sold out a year in advance?” asked Congressman Bellows.”

The Department of Homeland Security has been flooded with requests from distressed voters to gain incarceration to GITMO in anticipation of the terrorists being transferred to unsold real estate developments in Arizona and Nevada. “Their dental plan is better than my union offers,” said Horace Achies of New York. “And I look good in orange.”

Don Arrup
Satire1

In Memoriam

Satire1 again suspends its wit this post in memory of those individuals and their families whose sacrifice makes this and other blogs like it possible.

Don Arrup
Satire1

CIA Purposes New Green Torture Techniques

A spokespook for the Central Intelligence Agency outlined new techniques of persuasion to replace the illegal legal illegal possibly criminal waterboarding, which anyone with access to a newspaper or a television was fully aware of except for certain democrat members of Congress. “Being born is traumatic. Growing up is brutal and growing old is cruel. What we at the Company have been trying to affix is the line between Edgar Allen Poe and Mark Twain.”

Pending findings of Congressional hearings and opinions from the new Injustice Department, the CIA is ready to implement a whole new line of Next Generation Green torture techniques including:

Video tapes of House Speaker Nancy Pelosi’s explanation of how she wasn’t told but heard that some were briefed about waterboarding no they said not waterboarding and snowboarding wasn’t even mentioned

A stuttering economist and an accountant with nasal problems explaining the U.S. tax code

Al Gore

Marriage

Highlights of Detroit Lions’ last six seasons

Los Angeles traffic

New York City hospitality

Irish cuisine

Rush Limbaugh’s Christmas Show

Barney and Friends

Sequels to any hit movie

Dancing With The Has Beens

Don Arrup
Satire1

Zombie Versus Vampire Banks

Bank of America is called such as it is bought and paid for by all Americans. As spent as the post honeymoon gonads of a octanagerian BA has gone from a gigantic mausoleum capable of only foreclosing homes and raising credit card fees to a black hole tax hole insatiable financial vampire too big to fail and to deep to nail.

Garlic will not protect you nor the cross. Bank of America cannot see itself in the mirror or face the sun but it knows what it needs: Your tax dollars.

“We are America. We are the Bank.”

Obama weighed in at a press conference.

“You see, the American people are so used to being sucked dry by these big banks that if we let them fail, for even a day, the shock to our system could be fatal. We could drown in our own blood so to speak. We’re like those pale women in negligees wandering inside the glass vestibules around the bank machines waiting for the bank to open- like Dracula’s coffin. Sure, it’s clean and there’s no cobwebs or bats flying around. And once in a while you see somebody actually walk out with some rather than just the chumps pinching the blood nipple machine for enough green to get a sandwich.”

“The first protection I will ask from Congress is that the Banks can’t take your pants. The American people need to have their butts covered. The Banks have already agreed to this in principle because if the American people don’t have pants they don’t have pockets and if they don’t have pockets where are the Banks and myself going to put our hands? So our Administration and the Banks have agreed to join hands while they are still in your pockets to protect your family jewels and treasure. This is the way to prosperity and a brighter future. We are Americans because we are the depositors, debtors and now guardian uncles of the Bank of America. Bank bless America and Bank bless all of you.”

Don Arrup
Satire1

Porky Pig, Bio-Terrorist

Porky Pig, The Three Little Pigs and The Little Piggies have been implicated in a report by the Central Intelligence Agency of designing and propagating the virus H1N1 otherwise known as Swine Flu. The report includes aerial photographs of a group of laboratories in northern Mexico formerly employed in the making of heroin and crystal methadone by the local drug cartels that the CIA claims have been converted into bio-weapons factories. “We may have had it wrong in Iraq,” says CIA spokesman, Agent X Death, “but this time we have hard evidence that the disgruntled former Warner Brothers star has joined forces with the disgraced real estate developers and the lower digits of children to create deadly drug resistant strains of their species influenza to transmit to the human race.”

As the World Health Organization studies the evidence President Obama is taking preliminary actions which he calls cautionary including an executive order to shut down the Cartoon Network and arresting children wearing sandals or going barefoot in public. “I know these measures may appear extreme to our uninformed citizens,” said the President, “but I will see to it that the Federal Government will bring its full and indiscriminate force to bear on those who threaten our lives and property. My own daughters have been isolated by the Secret Service and await blood testing and interrogation for wearing flip flops to the family breakfast table.”

The Pentagon has been ordered to present its contingency plans for the invasion of Mexico as the leaders in a majority of NATO countries have already pledged to commit troops to the effort. Al Qaeda released a video to Al Jazeera claiming credit for the pandemic saying that the swine and the haters of swine eaters have finally joined forces to cleanse the world of bacon breath. As scientists race to create a vaccine reports of massacres and genocidal rampages on hog farms and slaughterhouses from Chicago to Beijing continue to pour in.

President Obama promises to track down the perpetrators of this atrocity whether their house is made of straw, wood or brick. “We’ll huff and we’ll puff and we’ll blow their hideouts down,” Obama said. “We’ve already taken into custody the Little Piggies who went to the market, stayed home, had roast beef and had none, however, the Little Piggy who went wee wee wee all the way home at this time is still at large.” Agents of the FBI, DEA and Alcohol, Tobacco and Curly Tails are working in cooperation with local police to bring the last Little Piggy to justice

Acting Surgeon General and Acting Assistant Secretary of Health Rear Admiral Steven K. Galson (ARASGAASH) when asked what would happen if the virus mutates into a far more lethal and aggressive strain responded,
“Da-da-da-da-da-da-dat’s all folks.”

Don Arrup
Satire1

Why We Don't Have Universal Health Care

I asked the guy standing next to me at the bus stop why we don't have Universal health care. He said it was because I smoked and he didn't want his tax dollars covering my oxygen tank. I told him he was fat and I didn't want to pay for his triple bypass. The diabetic woman with three kids was asking people passing by if they had any candy while promising her kids ice cream when they got home. The church lady refused to pay for people who had more than one sex partner while the drunk announced he needed a drink and a new liver. The girl who had come out of the tanning salon said that if the bus didn’t come soon she’d get skin cancer which caused the junkie to laugh so hard he stumbled into the street where he was hit by a skateboarder not wearing a helmet knocking the junkie in front of an SUV driven by a guy engrossed in his cell phone. Then the SUV swerved and crushed a Smart car.

The fat guy turned to me and said, “You see, this is why I don’t exercise.”

*Read on the air as one of WNYC's semi-finalists in their Satire Slam Contest on 4/29/09. Thank you to all the readers and listeners for their support.

Don Arrup
Satire1

April Fool 2009

I had to go to the bank today but I couldn’t afford the fare to Washington.

This is all South Dakota’s fault.

Wall Street, Main Street, Mean Street. Did somebody switch the signs?

Toys Are Us

Since Wall Street feeds almost directly into Market Street circumstances have changed the two into Wal-Mart Street. Get your bib.

McDonald’s

You want to know what’s wrong with the economy? Rich people are skinny and poor people are fat. It just can’t work that way.

Which would you rather lose, your job or your mind? Are you losing your mind over losing your job? Or, have you already lost your job because the fear of losing it made you lose your mind? Does your job, even secure, make you lose your mind? Do you mind your job? Do you need a mind for your job? Was that burger with fries?

First Financial

Everywhere you go you see FF loans, FF bank, FF investments. You never see Last Financial anything because that’s you.

SAG

While the economy continues to sag the Screen Actor’s Guild, terrified that the studios might shoot another film in Hollywood, is demanding to be paid every time a fourteen year old whacks off to Netflix. Obviously, they are following the Detroit model that works so well for retired autoworkers. California leading the way again.

Rite Aid

The quickest way for the country to have affordable health care is to attack Canada and lose. As the Palestinians of North America we would be eligible for affordable prescriptions and could bitch about Ontario instead of Washington for a change.

Don Arrup
Satire1

Ghosts Of Wealthy Families Riot Over Estate Tax

Senator Blanche Lincoln of Arkansas and ten other democratic senators joined republican ranks voting to slash the so called “Death Tax” or estate tax that affects over one percent of population. “The children of multimillionaires are already suffering unspeakable deprivations as their grossly overcompensated jobs disappear here at home and their tax havens abroad open their books,” said Sen. Lincoln. “My Ouija board is rattling off the table with messages from deceased contributors demanding action.”

The current estate tax of forty five percent on the amount that exceeds 3.5 million for individuals and 7 million for couples might be cut to thirty five percent on the inheritance that exceeds 5 and 10 million. “Most of these children already had to endure growing up in affluence. Now they’re being asked to get by on just a couple of million bucks of unearned income.” Lincoln continued. “Family farms like Consolidated Foods and Mom and Pop stores like Wal-Mart might have to break up in order to pay the tax. Concerns that provide good jobs to their top management while only slightly exploiting their workers.”

Other democratic senators admitted to being haunted by the ghosts of their state’s wealthiest families. “I’ve got ghosts from my state waking me at night saying that inflation in Purgatory is eating up their life’s savings and even the prices in Hell have gone up,” said Senator X, another defection for the Democrats. “ In Hell, everyday is April 15th.”

Happy Tax Day

Don Arrup
Satire1

Obama Promises To End Suffering Of Super Rich

President Obama in a press conference today stated that the United States would not stand by while both the country and the world’s super rich continue to suffer in this economic downturn.

“America will not stand by as zillionaires are reduced to billionaires before our very eyes. America will not watch hard working families who through sweat and sacrifice endured birth in order to make their dreams come true be reduced to almost imaginable wealth. Not only here in our country but around the world.”

“The American people are a generous and compassionate people and understand that the magnificent bounty provided us through this abundant land bestows on us an obligation to secure the massive fortunes of not only the super rich of our country but the super rich of the world as well. For one thing, few countries have the combined wealth to match their super rich citizens. Someone is going to have to pick up the slack and that someone is the American taxpayer who for generations has been the world’s guarantor of obscene legacies and amassments.”

“While we speak, the Rothschilds face foreclosure on their summer country and may soon be forced to abandon it to its native inhabitants if we do not act soon. The gross domestic product of France no where near approaches the loss the family faces if we do not step up to the plate and bail out these fabled folk. America does not forget that it was the Rothchilds who provided the credit line America needed when it and the world faced its darkest hours in the Second World War. The fact that the family also financed the Third Reich throughout its rise to power and conquest is beside the point. Hitler was never given the favorable rates America enjoyed and that was the difference that saved the world.”

“Tonight, as Americans gather in their boxes underneath their bridges sleepless with worry that the Rothchilds, Rockefellers and Hapsburgs may be facing deprivation I assure that we will identify any working American who has two nickels to rub together and that I will get one of those nickels to the Rothchilds and other needy families like them.”

Got any change?

Don Arrup
Satire1

Ralf Kramden, One Of Us

Another Lost Episode and Decade of The Honeymooners

(Ralf Kramden enters his Brooklyn apartment. His wife Alice is ready to put out supper.)

Ralf
Hi Honey. Dinner sure smells great but before we eat there’s something I want to run past you.

Alice
More important than your supper? Well, lets hear it, Ralf.

Ralf
Alice, I’ve been thinking about this all day ever since I talked to McGinty down at the depot. We’ve got to buy this apartment.

Alice
Buy it? Ralf we struggle to make rent some months.

Ralf
Alice, the only reason we have trouble paying rent is because we pay rent. We’re just throwing money down the drain. We could be owners, Alice. There are only two kinds of people in the world, renters and owners. I’ve been a renter all my life. I want to be an owner.

Alice
We’d be the owners of a mortgage, Ralf. This place wouldn’t be ours for twenty or thirty years.

Ralf
That’s the beauty of it, Alice. This place will pay for itself. By the time we sign the papers and make a few payments this place will already be worth more than we paid for it. All we have to do is refinance and pay the original mortgage off with our profit.

Alice
What if the real estate market goes down, Ralf? Did you ever think about that?

Ralf
Real Estate doesn’t go down, Alice. Maybe a couple of times for a year or two in the past but there’s seven billion people in the world now and they all need a roof over their head. God isn’t making any more land and Global Warming is shaving off what little we had to begin with. I’m telling you real estate is going up. Pow, zoom, right to the Moon.

Alice
Just like the Internet was going to make millionaires out of everyone who invested in it ten years ago?

Ralf
This is totally different, Alice. I was right about the Internet. It’s bigger than ever. We just didn’t make any money on it, that’s all.

Alice
We lost money on it. Half of our lifesavings to be exact. And that’s only because I refused to let you invest my half.

Ralf
This is totally different, Alice. Big as it is, the Internet is still just air. I’m talking about this apartment. You’re not going to tell me this isn’t real.

Alice
The apartment is real, Ralf. No argument there. Its real estate that isn’t real. They’re asking for a quarter of a million dollars for this place.

Ralf
That includes the bathroom.

Alice
And we’re going to have to pay a maintenance fee every month almost as high as the rent we pay now along with the mortgage payments. Ralf, nobody in his right mind would loan us the money and where would we get the down payment?

Ralf
We’re already approved.

Alice
What do you mean we’re already approved?

Ralf
I called a couple of the mortgage lenders who have advertisements on the bus, spoke to each of them for a couple of minutes and they all approved.

Alice
Did you tell them how much you make?

Ralf
They didn’t ask. They just looked up our credit score and approved. Alice, we can sign the papers tomorrow and in a couple of weeks this place is ours.

Alice
Ralf, unless we have the money to buy this place outright signing papers won’t mean we own this place. It will mean this place owns us.

Ralf
Real estate has to keep going up, Alice. The bus drivers union has most our pension money tied up in it.

Alice
So we’re already overexposed with the real estate market and you want to gambol our personal savings on it too?

Ralf
Double or nothing, it’s the only way to get ahead. You don’t get anywhere in this life without taking a chance.

Alice
How about slowly adding to our saving account at the bank?

Ralf
Nobody’s more up to their neck in real estate than the banks. If it goes down the banks go down. But even then my union would just force the company to raise the fares. That’s the American way. You take a chance and if you screw up you find a way to make the other guy pay.

Don Arrup
Satire1

*This satire marks the first anniversary of Satire1 on the web. Thank you readers.

Viagranomics

Now that science has finally cured aging and conquered gravity we have entered the age of Viagronomics. Home values, stock prices and the nation’s virility will only rise. Nothing goes down. Nothing gets soft.

The recent financial crisis is merely a reset on our mindset as the completely new reality which people, having suffered the ravages of Time and been denied perpetual copulation, understandably doubt. It is a crisis of confidence. People lost their financial boners because they naturally assumed that today could be operating in conditions similar to those in the past.

Why don’t our leaders tell us that the past is over?

They say tomorrow. They say change. They talk about our children. We all knew what tomorrow, change and children meant. The same old shit only worse and more expensive. Now they mean the same old shit on fire.

Here’s how we’re going to burn. Since there is no way even if we wanted to pay for the retirement and care of the first class of baby boomers which is happening today the government will propose the brothelization of retirement. Studies estimate that by turning our retirement homes and communities into brothels we can cut the costs of Medicare in half. That is still four times more than we can afford in the most prosperous of times but it is a beginning. Social Security will become Sexual Security so that taxpayers can get screwed for being screwed. Those workers earning too little to pay taxes are screwed anyway.

The states will be invited to prostitute their middle and high school students so that they earn their educations and gain real world experience. Pornography will be blocked from the Internet and cable television to assure a steady demand for old and young ass. Condom use mandatory. Conversation discouraged.

With much of the costs of entitlements and education covered the American economy will be free to fly again. The rate of our growth will follow the projection of a youthful erection. Hard on for prosperity.

The lesson of Viagranomics is clear. If you are old, young or a taxpayer you are screwed. So screwed no one will deny it. Somebody will get rich and many will get richer but it won’t be you. You’re screwed.


Don Arrup
Satire1

Obama Appoints Three Little Pigs To Head Housing

The first little pig will head Fannie Mae. The second little pig Freddie Mac. The third little pig will be the new Foreclosure Czar. What happened to the one who ate roast beef? President Obama corrected.

“Do not mistake these industrious swine who fulfilled the American dream only to see two of their dreams blown away by the big bad bank with toes masquerading as consumers. I hired the three little pigs. They are not related to nor have ever had any business dealings with the little piggies. My three little pigs don’t even have piggies. And what especially bothers me about these little piggies is the message these toes are teaching our children.”

“Now, the first “little piggy” is the big toe and I think it should be called the big piggy but we can have a debate about that and probably should. So the big little piggy goes to the market. That’s what we all need to do today. Right now we’re like the second little piggy who has lost confidence in America and our economy and is intensifying the recession by staying home. Maybe the second little piggy has lost his job or is afraid of losing his job and we’re going to try to do something about that. The third little piggy has roast beef but how much can he enjoy that roast beef when right next door the fourth little piggy has none? Maybe the big little piggy can pick him up some when he goes to the market but his retirement account has shrunk and his home’s value is down and I’m about to tax him right out of his shoe. Which brings us to the fifth little piggy who goes Wee Wee Wee all the way home. I’d like to appoint him budget director.”

Don Arrup
Satire1

Vatican Denies Abortion To Woman Raped By Martians

Pope says if the mother is Catholic the monster is Catholic.

Don Arrup
Satire1

Dinosaurs Sue Mother Nature For Extinction

“Evolution is a conspiracy,” says Ty Rex, king of the carnivore dinosaurs. “We didn’t live our lives just to become your fossil fuel.”

A growing movement among extinct species has been gaining force in recent millenniums. Naturalists have long complained of having Dodo eggs dropped on their heads from the extinct birds protesting their classification. Other species claim to be misrepresented by paleontologists. “I’m not as horny as I look,” said the triceratops, “just try to get under this tail.”

Queen Kong is suing the City of New York for abduction and ape-slaughter claiming that giant apes are an endangered species. “He was arrested in our Kingdom of Skull Island, extradited to the United States, held without charges and he’s not even Muslim.” The Queen feels that the death and destruction caused by the King in his attempted escape was justified by his oppression. “They sail a blond half way around the world to trap my Kong and think that there isn’t going to be trouble? Blonds have been blonds ever since there were blonds.”

More recent extinctions like honest bankers and sane brokers bide their time. This isn’t the first time the climate changed.

Don Arrup
Satire1

Night Of The Living Banks

On Main Streets across the United States agents of the FDIC armed with nets and blowtorches hunt down zombie banks. Loan dead creatures whose debt and inactivity sucks the blood out of local economies and threatens wider regions and the nation. Shareholders on paper plantations have become the prey. Armies of the foreclosed gather and squat in unfinished developments called Obamavilles terrorizing the early buyers who purchased within their means.

The Environmental Protection Agency has taken over Wall Street as a toxic loan dump. Doctor Frankenbama injects capital with lighting legislation but the stats are flat or falling. Shitty Bank and Bum of America hang in the balance.

I need health care. There’s no hospital in this town. I’m due this month. Don’t worry. We’re ordering the cement now.

Infants plucked from their mother’s breasts to march into the exploded Head Start program. If people had to take porn sites out on dates the economy would get going again. Screw the infrastructure. Land planes on rivers like they do in New York.

Stimulus. Stimulus. Throw money at it. When the bear sees its greenbacks it will run away. Then we can build a bonfire to keep us warm till May.

Don Arrup
Satire1

Don't Bank On It

When I was in grade school the local bank gave us folding cardboard dime holders or bank cards in which you were encouraged to save up one hundred dimes for ten bucks, the minimum deposit at the bank. I never made it to fifty. I was no different than the government schooling me at the time. I bought the same things: guns, tanks, planes and bridges in a more modest form. Always had public works going. The bank was educating us in saving and thrift or they just couldn’t get their hands in our pockets soon enough. The government guaranteed your deposit and the FBI had killed all the bank robbers. When I got a paper route I quickly filled one up and opened an account. I would get a statement every year showing my accrued interest. I never put another dime in that bank. By the time I was paid in checks and needed an account charges had been introduced and my one hundred plus dimes were gone. My original nest egg was bank charged into oblivion.

I have since calculated that the bank has turned my ten bucks into a billion dollars. My ten dollars became the seed money on which they leveraged a hundred dollar loan for a used car. Once the car was paid off they took that hundred and leveraged a loan for a thousand dollars for new car. That paid off they leveraged the ten fold for another ten fold loan for a crummy house. Then for the good house, the big house, the mansion, the hotel culminating in a privately owned prison, the cash cow of American real estate.

Prisons will not slow down with the economy. They will thrive. Even more than they do now. All the other assets that grew out of the loans are crap now. Now the prison is the castle on the hill. Banks and prisons both have bars. We keep money prisoner but it still controls us or out of controls us which brings us to the present situation. Since no one knows what is going on we are all experts.

Almost everyone I know owes some bank-student loans, mortgages, credit cards and the quiet grip of an empty dime card. The money’s here behind our thick walls. We won’t show it to you but we have wide lapels and pinstripes and fat cigars to smoke in our big car. You can trust us. We might even be called trust. Don’t go to a savings and loan. They’re uninsured pirates posting bail for squatters and calling it homeownership. I listened to all this and watched the neighborhood bank that provided the dime card eaten by a citywide bank which was eaten by the statewide bank which was eaten by a regional bank helping it to become a national bank. I thought eventually there would be just one bank, The Bank. And I thought The Bank would own the government. Instead the government owns the banks. I guess we won.

Don Arrup
Satire1

Valentine 2009 Treat

Stop Sucking My Dick

I don’t want a million dollars.
What would I do with a brand new car?
Traveling is for people who can sleep anywhere.
Anything that is comfortable looks like shit-
Clothes or furniture.
Gold is cold and silver icy.
Diamonds are hard and silk is limpy.
Caviar comes out of a fish’s ass.
Havanas smell like cigars.
Wine is just sour grapes.
Love, baby, is all we’ve got.
So stop sucking my dick and bring your lips up here.

Happy Day of Friends and Lovers,

Don Arrup
Satire1

Senate Says War With Iran Is Better Stimulus

A growing number of Senators are expressing doubts that anything short of a major war will save the economy. “This is the worst economic recession since 9/11 and the Great Depression.” Said Sen. X. “And both of those economic disruptions were only resolved by war. Afghanistan was too legal and hopeless. Nobody governs that place or ever will. Iraq was almost the perfect size and we weren’t going to use him again after Kuwait. Now Iran is the money. They attacked and occupied United States soil in 1978 by taking the embassy. Then they stuck their hand up the ass of Hezbollah to murder 246 Marines in Lebanon. They armed the radical Shiite clerics. Half the population of Baghdad is their spies and they’re twice the size of Iraq which let’s face it is past its prime as a military adventure. Where we mess up is hanging around. I’m not talking about occupying Iran. I don’t know any Senator who is. I’m talking about a quick roll through- three to six months tops- and if we don’t take too many casualties we go straight through to North Korea. It’s going to be tough on our boys defending South Korea but it’s about time they earned their pay. We won’t stay there either. South Korea can take care of that mess. Israel can have Iran. I’m sure that there's some passage in the Bible that gives it to them. After we stimulate the economy I see no reason for unnecessary violence on our part. Bring the boys and girls home and maybe we can find some nurses.”

“The Iranians attacked Greece, a NATO ally, without provocation just twenty-five hundred years ago and we did nothing,” said Sen. Y. “We’ve allowed ourselves to be distracted by the Franks, Germanic tribes, Redcoats and Reds for too long. Persia was always the enemy. These mullahs are just Xerces with a prayer rug.”

“Our automobile industry is suffering because Washington hasn’t provided it with a big enough war,” Y continued. “Detroit does fine with half the world on fire. You can’t ask American car companies to compete with the former Axis powers in selling cars to the public. Everyone wants a car from the guys who killed their uncle. Look, we would be doing the Iranians a favor in the long run. Their economy is a mess too. They need this war more than us. And in a decade or two they can outsell our cars here too.”

“I don’t like cats,” said Senator Z. “They all come from Iran and Vietnam. We took on half the cat problem in the sixties and lost because we didn’t do anything about Iran. Now we’re still stuck with cats and those beards are just laughing and scratching at us. I say war and if it gives three squares and some new boots to Americans who would otherwise be unemployed then all the better.”

Go stimulus!

Don Arrup
Satire1

World Leaders Can't Fix Shoes

The young Cambridge man who threw his shoe at Chinese Prime Minister Wen Jiaboa said that the shoe was made in China and he had hoped the Prime Minister could fix it. “He was talking about trust and trade and here my Chinese shoe was falling apart. I thought he should put his money where his mouth was and fix my shoe. I’ve given up on these leaders fixing the economies and political conflicts. If you can’t save people’s lives or livelihoods could you at least fix our shoes?”

Ex-President George W. Bush admitted he had no cobbling skills. “My dad was in the Navy and I was Air National Guard. Both of us could stuff a parachute and probably make our beds if we didn’t have servants but we just never really wore down the shoe leather. When the Iraqi journalist threw his shoes my way I thought they must have been directed at Maliki. Maybe he had been a haberdasher or something. I knew I couldn’t help the man’s shoes.”

John McCain took offense at the notion that sailors and fliers couldn’t cobble shoes. “Do you think they gave us new shoes at the Hanoi Hilton? I’m telling you they didn’t. You walked in the shoes that brought you there and it was up to us prisoners to repair and maintain our shoes as best we could. Actually, after the hospitalization I had a pair of hemp slippers or jungle jacks as we called them. You had to reweave them almost daily. That Iraqi and this English fellow should have thrown me their shoes. I’m sure I could have done something with them.”

“My wife, the First Lady, handles all the shoes in our family,” said President Obama. “Now I don’t know if she had some help before though I’m fairly certain that if she needs help now we have an excellent White House Staff- I don’t know if we have a cobbler- but with two growing stylish girls and me just back from a two year campaign trail there have been no shoe incidents in our family to my knowledge. I certainly didn’t need an Adlia Stevenson photo of me with a hole in my shoe. But let me say this, our country is going through some very hard economic times right now and people are going to need their shoes. I don’t know if we can keep a roof over everyone’s head but I will see about doing what we can do in a bipartisan manner to get something around people’s feet. We’re going to have to take on this financial crisis from the ground up and build a solid foundation for economic growth and future prosperity and that all starts with our citizens having some decent shoes. And it isn’t going to be one size fits all. Appropriate footwear to meet the feet of the nation. And as to what I would have done if the shoes were thrown at me I would have thrown them back.”

Don Arrup
Satire1

China Recalls New Year Over Mad Ox Disease Fears

The People’s Republic of China recalled their New Year 4707 of the Ox over fears of the spread of mad ox disease. Allegations that the New Year was fed recent Rat and Pig years illegally has astronomers, philosophers and astrologers scrambling for clues as to the health of the current times. Children are being denied birthdays. Pregnant women are moving into their eleventh and twelfth months of gestation refusing to give birth until the health of the New Year can be determined. Grandmothers across Asia refuse to get out of bed saying that the Sun is a liar. Clocks, computers and watches are being destroyed and burned in public. The actress whose voice would announce the time on the phone was beheaded in Shanghai. An angry mob of thousands paraded her head on the end of pole through the streets shouting bring back yesterday.

But the Ox ate the Rat and that was that.

Government officials took immediate emergency measures by lining every Taoist, Feng shui expert and Children’s television program host against the wall. Despite hundreds of executions and proclamations from the government every indication points to a continued slide into tomorrow.

Some theoretical physicists are suggesting blowing up the Sun since China has both a large nuclear arsenal and rockets capable of penetrating outer space. Critics point out that the attack would probably prove more symbolic than practical since the Sun is just one big ongoing explosion to begin with. Health officials have suggested leading the entire nation in a super slow Tai Chi Chuan form through the use of television, radio and the Armed Forces. They do concede that the form would at most slow time down perhaps only making the mad year longer. Seated meditation is still the only method known to stop time but the government banned it as too religious. The Minister of Science and Snakes said that the ancient Mayan calendar due to end in three years was overly optimistic. “I don’t see anything on the planet outliving the American banks.”

Don Arrup
Satire1

Bush Haters Face Emotional Unemployment

I wanted him gone for eight long years, dreaming of America like Shangri-La and after the black guy gave the speech he walked down the steps and I feel empty. Its like he doesn’t care that I hate him anymore. I still hate Cheney but it just isn’t the same and he’ll probably die soon.

He invaded Vietnam and started trouble between Israel and the Palestinians who always got along swell before him.

Before he was president I weighed 20lbs less and had no gray hairs.

He charged me too much for my house and gave me diabetes.

I smoked cigarettes all day long as much as I liked wherever I liked and then his administration comes and I’m addicted.

Without George W. Bush to hate I just don’t know what my marriage is about anymore. We disagree about everything else. Hating the president was all we shared. Every night after hours of shouting and hiding and not listening we would find him, the destroyer of our lives, George W. Bush. I really never believed that Cheney had anything to do with us as a couple. My friends are deluded about that.

It was impossible to be a woman while he was in office.

I voted for him in 04 just so I could hate him for four more years. Hated him for four, voted for him in 04 and went on hating him for four more. If I hate the new guy I’m a bigot. God, I miss him.

Don Arrup
Satire1

In Defense Of W

Since June 11, 2002 the United States has not suffered another new terrorist attack on its soil. However, Simon Cowell is still at liberty and on the air.

The wars in Iraq and Afghanistan have overshadowed Bush 43’s deft interplanetary diplomacy. Many foreign policy experts believe that if Al Gore had won in 2000 we would be at war with the Sun.

During his term White House interns have returned to blowing security guards.

In the last eight years the price of VHS tapes has fallen by more than half and vinyl records are practically free.

The United States has stopped acting like the meat of a Mexican/Canadian sandwich.

People have stopped blaming teachers unions for Hurricane Katrina.

Richard Nixon has become a sympathetic figure.

No one asks George Walker Bush why we didn’t go into Baghdad anymore.

No one cares about Vietnam.

Detroit is almost out of its misery.

Blowjobs aren’t such a big deal.

Don Arrup
Satire1

Hamas & Jewish Settlers Ally And Invade Israel

In an unforeseen turnaround of historic proportions the Iranian backed Palestinian terrorist organization Hamas made a secret alliance with the radical Jewish settlers of the West Bank and together launched a two front attack on the state of Israel breaking through Israeli army lines and taking nearly one third of its territory. Proclaiming a marriage of convenience in order to end the “Tyranny of the Two State Solutionists” Hamas and the settlers who have declared themselves the New Judea claim that they will wage war against the state of Israel and the Palestinian Authority Fatah until there isn’t a pacifist left in the region.

“If God didn’t want war he wouldn’t have made human beings,” said Shem McDonald, spokesperson for the New Judea Secretariat. “We have raised the Temple and it is a tank.”

“Israel was becoming impossible to terrorize,” complained Mohamed Smith of Hamas. “We launched over two thousand rockets and the Israelis ignored us. They were deliberately attempting to impoverish us of our weapons. It’s a violation of our human rights as a people. What have you got to do to get invaded around here?”

On January 2cd the Israeli Army entered the Gaza Strip. “Everything everywhere is a trap in the Middle East,” said Col. Hiram McDougal of Israeli Army Intelligence. “There’s just too much religion and oil and people and Sun for anything but craziness. “ Col. McDougal said that he was surprised that Hamas and the settlers hadn’t allied before. “They both want the exact same thing. They want all of Palestine for themselves. Why did it take them so long to realize this?”

Both Hamas and the settlers have pledged to annihilate the other once the unbelieving majorities are exiled. “This is holy land. If you aren’t killing or being killed you don’t belong here,” said Smith. McDougal agreed, “Caliphate or Messiah, just bring it.”

Don Arrup
Satire1

Fiscal Crisis ABC

Kitchen Table

A: Hey, they’re giving away houses for no money down.
B: No money? That’s what we’ve got. Let’s get a house.
A: I think we’ll have to at least start paying for it later.
B: I can do anything later. Call the man.

New Kitchen Table

C: The neighbors say our house has doubled in value.
D: How am I supposed to sleep with only six bedrooms?
C: We could refinance and get back every penny we paid for it and fly around the world.
D: And will you look at that yard. I’m retiring soon. What if I want to raise elephants?
C: We could use the rest of the equity to buy a yacht and sail around the world.
D: I’m suffocating in here. The walls are so close I can see them.
C: Let’s sell this place. We’ll get double our money for it.
D: Double? We’ll get triple or nothing.

Realtor’s

A: We have no credit history.
E: We have a loan for that.
B: We have no income.
E: We have a loan for that.
A: We have no job.
E: Hold it. That changes everything. If you’re both going to be home all day you’re going to need a bigger house.
B: When do we have to start paying for this?
E: Did you read the fine print?
A: We can’t read.
E: Later. The fine print says later.
B: I can do anything later.
E: Put your X here.
A: So we can just move in?
E: Right after you pay my commission, title fee, deed fee, closing fee, registration and processing.
B: How much is that?
E: We can loan that to you too.
A: When do we have to pay that back?
E: Look, it’s all fine print. Sigh here and here and here.
B: What after a few years we don’t win the lottery and the bank wants its money?
E: Just walk away.
A: Where will we go?
E: I don’t care. Hey, you could come back here to your Aunt’s. Of course, if you do she’ll need a bigger house.

Wall Street Big Office

F: Longest running housing boom in history and the banks have all the action but I’ve got the perfect plan. We capitalize the mortgage companies, chop up the loans and re-bundle them into securities to sell.
G: I don’t know. Those loan officers have gotten pretty loose. They’d give a dog a mortgage for the commission.
F: We just break up the loans small enough and redistribute them to spread the risk.
G: Yeah, but what if a lot of these loans default?
F: Foreclosure. They’ll take back the house which will almost certainly be worth more by the time of eviction.
G: What if too many loans default?
F: We’ve sold that paper. What do we care?

Wall Street Bigger Office

H: Our stock’s only up ten points this week!
I: And the rest of the street is up over twelve!
H: We’re doomed. Every print, newsletter and TV analyst will be telling investors to dump us for our competitors. We won’t survive the month.
I: Our Frankenfinance office says it has the next big thing, collateralized debt obligations.
H: Can we make money on them?
I: They project billions.
H: What’s our exposure on these loans?
I: Nobody knows but it’s a good bet even the courts couldn’t figure it out. Want me to tell you what they are?
H: I know what they are. They’re perfect.

AIG London Office

J: What are these?
K: Bundles of smithereened loans we’re selling as securities.
J: What do you want me to do with these?
K: Insure them. They’ll sell better if they’re insured.
J: We charge a higher premium for that. So what’s really behind this paper?
K: God knows.
J: How do you expect me to insure these if I can’t value them?
K: They’re worth what people will pay for them.
J: What do I insure them against?
K: Investors coming to their senses.
J: I’ll take that bet. Give me a couple of hundred billion.
K: That’s all?

Securities and Exchange Commission

L: Wall Street is out of control with these junk loans and credit default swaps. I don’t think our policy of allowing the firms to police themselves is working.
M: We’re a grossly under funded and under staffed agency. Getting the firms to agree to police themselves is perfect. Now that they’re working for us there isn’t anything they can do without them knowing about it. We have them completely covered.

Bond Rating Office

N: I heard that Fannie and Freddie wouldn’t touch this stuff till the firms threatened to cut them out of the market.
O: AIG underwrites it and your brother in law works for one of the big boys. How’s he doing?
N: He just bought another Porsche.
O: Wow, and he’s a moron. Too bad we don’t have a rating higher than triple A.

The Fed

P: The industry is swindling home buyers and fleecing investors.
Q: The markets will work this all out.
P: I fear a lot of people are going to get hurt in the process.
Q: This is the Fed. What do you care about, people or the markets?

The Treasury

R: Zzzzzzzzzzz.

Don Arrup
Satire1